Divorce and Property Issue

divorceincork

Hi

I am at my wits end in my relationship with my wife and I am looking for advise. There is no hope for the marriage but I won't burden you with the details.

I have two major obstacles in getting out of this relationship.

The first is my son and the second is the our large mortgage and negtaive equity that comes with it.

We are both earning under 30k a year but after tax our take home pay is in the region of 2000 per month. So combined income of 4000 per month. but our mortgage is 1300 per month after relief and childcare is 1000 euro a month. Which leaves us with 2000 euro. But with bills, food, tax, insurance, petrol, doctors, car loan etc there is very little left at the end of the month left over. I am happy if I can get to pay day with €50 left in my account.

I want out of the relationship but the mortgage and childcare has to be paid and we are not in a position to do this.

If i leave the house I assume I will have to pay my half of the mortgage of at least 700 a month, half the child care 500 a month, which leaves me with less than 700 a month. With the rent on new place will be another 400 a month for a kip, which brings me down to 300 euro a month, i know that maintance grants are around 100 odd euro a week, leave me a 100 euro in the red before i buy my own food, pay bills, petrol, clothes etc.

I want to be around my son as much as possible too and for these reasons I just cannot see myself being able to leave anytime in the next few years but I am so unhappy in my marriage.


We have a four bedroom house on three floors would it be possible that I could have exclusive access to two bedrooms and she could have access to the two on the top floor as well as access to the living room with shared access to the kitchen as part of a seperation deal? This is far from ideal I know but I cannot see any other alternative. If I move out I simply will not be able to live. Sometimes I even think ending it all maybe the best alternative but I could not do that to my son.

Your advise would be greatly apperciated on this matter and any sugesstions you may have.

Thanks and regards

The most frustrated and glum man in Cork

JuliusCaesar

This is actually quite a common situation for couples (I mean ex-couples) to be in. You are certainly not alone. It is really really difficult and I have great sympathy for all of you in this situation.

In some arrangements, people have set hours to use the kitchen to cook. tbh, it is a little more expensive to have 2 sets of groceries. If it is in any way possible to have a 'civilised' break up, it makes more sense to have a kitty like some shared houses do, to buy stuff like cleaning materials and maybe even staples like cooking oil/salt etc.

If there's any way to get a second job, even for a short time, to build up some savings on both sides, do so.

The trouble really starts if there are any other relationships. But you've got enough on your plates in the meantime.

divorceincork

hi juliuis

Thanks for advise. Second jobs are so hard to find these days when so happy people are out of work. I can only work from 6.30 on in the evenings and weekends whilst someone out of work is free 24 hrs a day. Even if I got a second job I would be working to live as opposed to working to have a life. Doing 16 hour shifts for the next 18 years to pay bills is not a realistic option.

There has been no other people involved on my end and I would be surprised if there was any on hers. The better option is not a better person than her just not having to deal with her on a daily basis is all i am looking for.

cheers

Victor

divorceincork wrote: »

Sometimes I even think ending it all maybe the best alternative but I could not do that to my son.

Sometimes things don't work out, sometimes things are very difficult. Bottling up the anger with no safe release mechanism can make things seem worse than they are.

I realise that you feel the relationship may be at an end, but it would be useful to get some personal counselling to help you put a better perspective on things. As to whether relationship counselling is necessary, I don't know if it will work, but it could be useful so that you could restructure your lives, such that you can at least work together to provide a good life for your son.

I'm not saying this is a solution, but might it be useful if you and your wife had separate floors in the house. Let us say you have the two rooms on the top floor, one as a bed room and one as a living room (call it a "study" for your son's sake) and you wife can have the main living room and a bedroom. Share the kitchen as necessary. Your son can come and go between the two living rooms.

divorceincork

Thanks Victor

I think the seperation of the house would be a good idea. I guess 1) i want to know is this a realistic option in a seperation case and 2) will she agree to it?

Victor

I know people in a similar situation, although there are two children involved. The parents don't have a relationship any more (or certainly have a different relationship), but both are available to the children on a daily basis, for which they are grateful.

I can't speak for any other couples or how likely anyone is to agree to it. It is something that both will need to work at. In you favour (I'm not taking sides ), mother and child hardly need a whole 4-bed to themselves and it would help both sides financially.

athtrasna

One thing to bear in mind are the legalities of separation and divorce in this country. There is a phrase along the lines of "separately domiciled" which means you can't apply for a separation while living at the same address. There was an article on it during the summer, can't remember where, about it causing problems for couples who wanted to divorce but couldn't afford to run two separate households.

The_Conductor

You really need proper professional advice on this.
Its not the case that you can draw a line down the middle and agree to you paying half the childcare, half the mortgage etc...... The way the Irish system is structured- you are responsible for providing accommodation for your child and the mother of your child, until such time as your child is of legal age and no longer exclusively in education. It doesn't state that it has to be in this house- just accommodation.

You really need to get professional advice.

Really sorry to hear of the predicament you find yourself in OP.

JuliusCaesar

This might be useful to read.

I wasn't saying to work two jobs forever, just temporarily if possible. You'll both need some money to sort this out. Go for mediation if possible, rather than the legal route. It's generally cheaper, and not so vindictive.

tara73

what got my attention is, do you really have to pay 1000 Euro for childcare per month?
1000 euro/month for childcare seems a bit over the top, even in celtic tiger times that was expensive. I know everybody seeks the best for their children but are you sure you're not ripped off here and can you find an alternative to this perhaps?
saving several 100s of euros per month can give you some financial relief and if things get worse/you need your own space you could finance a small apartment.