Insomnia

yermin

(This wasn't originally intended for the bereavement section, but I think it actually belongs here, as it's relevant)
This is a bit lengthy, as I feel I have just discovered something quite important, for me anyway. I decided to post it, in case anyone else in the same boat could benefit from it.

Brief history: I lost my mum to cancer nearly ten years ago when I was 18 and became the legal guardian of my 16 yr old brother. An unusual situation I know, but it was an unusual situation .. It's coming up on 3 years now that I then lost my little brother to complications from an epileptic seizure. Some things I have learned are that no matter what you feel after it's happened, time does dull the pain. You will live a normal life again and you can be happy again. It's ok to ask for or seek help, even years later. I am just learning this last one now.

I've had insomnia for many years now, at least I've had countless nights where I have literally not gone to sleep at all, that means lying awake for hours on end, no sleep, none, and have ended up just getting out of bed, feeling wasted, weak and pretty insane in order to go to college or work etc.(I labour the 'really no sleep' bit, as most people don't really experience this, and tend not to believe it, or think I'm exaggerating, which I'm not) It has always been a mental thing, as in it has to do with having a lot of negative stuff to think on, and worry about, and it has been that way as long as I can remember, from early teens. I won't go into it any deeper than that, all I'll say is in my life things have happened that would, I believe, explain my state of mind.

Last night something happened that hasn't happened in a long time. It took a lot out of me, both physically and mentally, as it was quite intense. Ultimately however, it was kind of pleasurable in a way. As a result of this thing that happened, I slept well last night, or well for me anyway, and woke up feeling rested, thoughtful, and quite thankful too actually. Well, what was it?! you ask, and thanks for reading this far! It was this ... I was watching something on you tube, and it really doesn't matter what that was, but what matters is, it triggered something, and I started crying uncontrollably. I was racked with this scarily intense, powerful sobbing for around an hour. A lot of stuff went through my head during this time, the kind of stuff I would normally really not want to think about, but last night, it fuelled my grief, and really it felt like some kind of ultimate release, and purging of all this really burdensome stuff. Like I said, there was in the end, something almost perversely enjoyable about it. I know those of you who have seen the film 'Fight Club', may be thinking that I have just stolen part of the plot, and the similarities were one of the things that came to me this morning when I woke up, feeling quite peaceful in a way I haven't for ages. It just made me think that there was obviously something to it, other than being a plot device or something. It makes sense though, crying is very therapeutic. I don't do it very often at all. I'm sure years have gone by without crying a tear at times. So that adds to the scariness of it, it's such a loss of control over your emotions, and yet when you 'get into it' it just takes you, and it's such an alien process to me. That's very strange to admit really, as it's such a natural thing, and I wouldn't be human without it.

So, I cried a lot last night. I certainly don't feel less of a man for saying that, if anything I think some men are afraid to admit to things like that. It helped me sleep like a baby log. I woke up, incidentally remembering a dream I had 'just' had. It was about someone I lost a while back, my brother. In the dream it was his birthday, and we were just together like in years past. There was a certain truth in that dream, or atmosphere, that reminded me of what it was really like when he was alive, which I was thankful for. Memories about stuff like that can get clouded, or warped strangely sometimes. One of the first things I thought after waking and remembering that dream was, 'There is truth in tears'. Sounds a bit lame looking at it on the pc screen now. But tears certainly unclogged my head and let me see some things clearly again. Well, ok, my hope was that this might help someone else who has difficulty sleeping, maybe, who knows, this experience might be of interest to someone. Happy sleeping all

beks101

Wow. What a rough ride you've had.

I know it wasn't the point of your post, but I just had to reply to tell you how sorry I am about your mother and your brother. You've certainly had to grow up fast. I really hope Christmas went easy on you this year.

I hope 2012 is full of good luck and goodwill for you x

LegacyUser

Key to good sleep :

Only go to sleep when you are tired (Ie, when you know you cant stay awake any longer. Its a waste of time even getting into bed if you know you will lie awake for at least 15 minutes) ONLY GO WHEN YOU CANT STAY AWAKE.

ALWAYS WAKE UP AT THE SAME TIME (ALWAYS), exception of course, your wedding night etc!

So, Get into bed only when sleepy and ALWAYS get up at the same time. ALWAYS, force yourself at first. It takes 21 days on average for a person to form any habit!