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Poem- Opinions

  • 03-01-2012 11:40am
    #1
    Shreddingblood
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 791 ✭✭✭


    (first effort so go easy)
    Stone’s Throw
    Hollowed out husk floating aimless, flittering through grey and white
    It sublimates, the peace permeates in the aftermath
    Holding back diatribe, tremors disturb the placid surface
    Vainglory to regret, satisfaction to distress, a calculated egress


    A humble footnote on a page


    For when there’s no lack of caring
    It leads to a fruitless daring
    The appraisal’s never sparing
    Even for a crime considered absurd


    A change of heart

    I will pave the way
    I will seize the day
    From the ashes of disaster I’ll accomplish a feat so bold
    When the question is asked, the truth will not be told


Comments

  • #2
    PurpleBee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭PurpleBee


    I'm not really sure if you were writing to fit in complex words at the start and rhyme at the end but it seems to me that the content has suffered as a result.

    Vainglory and diatribe are really jarring.

    Having said that, as a first effort, its better than anything I've ever done, but as with most first efforts, there's plenty of room for improvement...


  • #3
    Shreddingblood
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 791 ✭✭✭Shreddingblood


    PurpleBee wrote: »
    I'm not really sure if you were writing to fit in complex words at the start and rhyme at the end but it seems to me that the content has suffered as a result.

    Yeah i kind of thought that would be what most people would think. I will say that every word in the first half was purposefully written some of the words are abstract because they have a personal meaning but in the second half I did try to make it rhyme.

    Cheers for the kind words.


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