Help... again, will I ever learn?

46w

Ive already posted this under the relationship thread, havent got much advice tho so I said Id put it up here also, sorry for the duplication.

Im a gay man. Im 30. Ive been seeing a guy who is 3 years younger than me the last 2 and a half years. We both live in rural Ireland. I posted here before about it. Its driving me crazy. The first 2 years or so it was great, we both just wanted casual sex, it worked very well and we both really enjoyed it. It was exactly what we wanted. I then however fell for him. The last 6-8 months has been difficult to say the least. I have deep feelings for him. I also came out to my family a few months ago which was one of the best things Ive ever done.

We spent a few nights together before Christmas. He told me he didnt want a relationship. He has told me this before but I thought he was comming around to the idea more recently. I decided after that night that I wasnt goin to contact him again. Which I didnt. He however texted me wishing me a happy Christmas. I wished him the same but said no more. I thought he was just being polite. He then texted me a few nights later when drunk. He was asking what is the story between us. I just told him to text me when sober that I couldnt talk at the time. I didnt think he would but he did 2 days later. We texted all night long. Mostly just talking crap until I said Id ask him where was this going. He again said he didnt want a relationship. He said he `more than really really likes me`but that the fact that im a fella is a big problem for him. Hes not out at all. He said he didnt realise how much me missed me till I wasnt there. I said to him not to consider it a relationshipp, thats just a word. I asked him if we could meet halfway between where we both are and see how it goes for a while. He said hed give it a go. Now what I meant by meeting halfway is still something Im not sure of myself, I dont know what I meant by this really. I said I needed a few things from it, I need him to be open and honest with me, to communicate properly with me and tell me if Im going too fast or doing something hes not happy with. He said he`d give it a go. I said sound, lets try it!

Im happy in one way, but I Hope I havent made a mistake. I hope I dont end up getting hurt. I know he wont do it deliberatly and I know he has feelings for me but Im unsure if he can give me what I need. After over 2 years of being with him am I wasting my time thinking he will ever really want me like I want him if he doesnt by now?. When we are together its just amazing. He has told me that he feels the same.

Its the gay thing thats affecting him. Hes very insecure about being gay, hes in denial I think. He says hes bi-sexual but I dont buy that, I was the same way myself, pretending to be bi when I was actually gay. He more or less told me hes actually gay one night but just stopped short of saying it out. I was the same way, It took me a long time to come to terms with being gay. I told one of my mates what is going on and he told me Im lining myself up for a big let down. Maybe hes right. I just dont know. I can see that if I was looking in at this and it was someone asking for my advice Id probably be saying, "walk away, get over him and move on". Its just not that simple tho, I feel soo much for him, its crazy, when we started this "thing", I never saw this happening.

Theres another issue too, I have more or less got a job abroad. Im working here alright but I thought before Christmas a move away would be a good thing. I wouldnt be going till prob the end of Feb if I do go. If I thought this thing with him here would work out I would stay. Its a catch 22 situation. Hard to know what to do. Am I mad in the head having anything to do with him?. I probably am, but Im in love with him, its not easy to walk away! I cant imagine ever meeting anyone else who I can have the same feelings for... Is that silly? They say theres plenty more fish in the sea but I dont know. This is my first time being in love. I dont want to have to wait as long again.

Any comments would be really appreciated!

Annasopra

You were given lots of advice on previous threads. Not being harsh but it seems like you want to receive advice but don't want to take the advice on board!

baby and crumble

I echo what mango salsa has said, you've gotten tons of very good advice from posters here regarding this issue before. But even though this will be repeating that advice, and possibly being a bit harsh, here goes:

1) You have to take this guy at his word. He says he's bisexual- that means that he is bisexual. Just because it was a stepping stone for you to acknowledge being gay, it's not for him. There are plenty of bisexual people in the world who ARE bisexual. By not acknowledging his sexuality as he presents it, you are not respecting him as a person.

2) You are being very pushy. The guy says he doesn't want a relationship. So don't bully or cajole him into one. You say you said to him that

I need him to be open and honest with me, to communicate properly with me

but it seems to me he is already doing that, and you're not listening. You don't believe him when he's telling you he's bi, not gay, you don't trust him that he doesn't want a relationship... surely you can see what you're doing?

3) Right now, you'd be mad to turn down a job for this situation. This guy is clearly really confused about what he wants and who he is- by that I mean he sounds like someone who needs to be alone for a while, and tbh so do you. It sounds like time away meeting new people would be good for you. If you do end up in a relationship with this guy now, I honestly don't see it being long until this guy starts really resenting you, for dismissing his bisexuality and badgering him into a relationship. You're basically doing a Mrs. Doyle on this fella. "Ah go on, be in a relationship with me. Ah, go on, go on, go on"

My honest belief is that there is no one magical person for everyone- there's tons of perfect people for everyone, and the magic happens when that person honestly and sincerely is in the same place as you emotionally, physically and (naf as it sounds), spiritually. This guy is not in the same place as you, and talking him into saying he is isn't the same as him getting there on his own.

fluffybiscuits

46w wrote: »

Ive already posted this under the relationship thread, havent got much advice tho so I said Id put it up here also, sorry for the duplication.

Im a gay man. Im 30. Ive been seeing a guy who is 3 years younger than me the last 2 and a half years. We both live in rural Ireland. I posted here before about it. Its driving me crazy. The first 2 years or so it was great, we both just wanted casual sex, it worked very well and we both really enjoyed it. It was exactly what we wanted. I then however fell for him. The last 6-8 months has been difficult to say the least. I have deep feelings for him. I also came out to my family a few months ago which was one of the best things Ive ever done.

We spent a few nights together before Christmas. He told me he didnt want a relationship. He has told me this before but I thought he was comming around to the idea more recently. I decided after that night that I wasnt goin to contact him again. Which I didnt. He however texted me wishing me a happy Christmas. I wished him the same but said no more. I thought he was just being polite. He then texted me a few nights later when drunk. He was asking what is the story between us. I just told him to text me when sober that I couldnt talk at the time. I didnt think he would but he did 2 days later. We texted all night long. Mostly just talking crap until I said Id ask him where was this going. He again said he didnt want a relationship. He said he `more than really really likes me`but that the fact that im a fella is a big problem for him. Hes not out at all. He said he didnt realise how much me missed me till I wasnt there. I said to him not to consider it a relationshipp, thats just a word. I asked him if we could meet halfway between where we both are and see how it goes for a while. He said hed give it a go. Now what I meant by meeting halfway is still something Im not sure of myself, I dont know what I meant by this really. I said I needed a few things from it, I need him to be open and honest with me, to communicate properly with me and tell me if Im going too fast or doing something hes not happy with. He said he`d give it a go. I said sound, lets try it!

Im happy in one way, but I Hope I havent made a mistake. I hope I dont end up getting hurt. I know he wont do it deliberatly and I know he has feelings for me but Im unsure if he can give me what I need. After over 2 years of being with him am I wasting my time thinking he will ever really want me like I want him if he doesnt by now?. When we are together its just amazing. He has told me that he feels the same.

Its the gay thing thats affecting him. Hes very insecure about being gay, hes in denial I think. He says hes bi-sexual but I dont buy that, I was the same way myself, pretending to be bi when I was actually gay. He more or less told me hes actually gay one night but just stopped short of saying it out. I was the same way, It took me a long time to come to terms with being gay. I told one of my mates what is going on and he told me Im lining myself up for a big let down. Maybe hes right. I just dont know. I can see that if I was looking in at this and it was someone asking for my advice Id probably be saying, "walk away, get over him and move on". Its just not that simple tho, I feel soo much for him, its crazy, when we started this "thing", I never saw this happening.

Theres another issue too, I have more or less got a job abroad. Im working here alright but I thought before Christmas a move away would be a good thing. I wouldnt be going till prob the end of Feb if I do go. If I thought this thing with him here would work out I would stay. Its a catch 22 situation. Hard to know what to do. Am I mad in the head having anything to do with him?. I probably am, but Im in love with him, its not easy to walk away! I cant imagine ever meeting anyone else who I can have the same feelings for... Is that silly? They say theres plenty more fish in the sea but I dont know. This is my first time being in love. I dont want to have to wait as long again.

Any comments would be really appreciated!

He was clear from the outset that he didnt want a relationship and you are pushing it and perhaps putting him in a position he does not want to be in. While he is not out , you applying pressure on him for a relationship will just make him feel more arkward. You can do a few things. Either wait for him to come out and be in a relationship, just remain friends and curb your feelings or cut him off completely. We have all been there, unrequited love but we hurt no one more so terribly than ourselves. Perhaps the new job might be what you need. Best wishes OP ...

fluffybiscuits

baby and crumble wrote: »

I echo what mango salsa has said, you've gotten tons of very good advice from posters here regarding this issue before. But even though this will be repeating that advice, and possibly being a bit harsh, here goes:

1) You have to take this guy at his word. He says he's bisexual- that means that he is bisexual. Just because it was a stepping stone for you to acknowledge being gay, it's not for him. There are plenty of bisexual people in the world who ARE bisexual. By not acknowledging his sexuality as he presents it, you are not respecting him as a person.

2) You are being very pushy. The guy says he doesn't want a relationship. So don't bully or cajole him into one. You say you said to him that



but it seems to me he is already doing that, and you're not listening. You don't believe him when he's telling you he's bi, not gay, you don't trust him that he doesn't want a relationship... surely you can see what you're doing?

3) Right now, you'd be mad to turn down a job for this situation. This guy is clearly really confused about what he wants and who he is- by that I mean he sounds like someone who needs to be alone for a while, and tbh so do you. It sounds like time away meeting new people would be good for you. If you do end up in a relationship with this guy now, I honestly don't see it being long until this guy starts really resenting you, for dismissing his bisexuality and badgering him into a relationship. You're basically doing a Mrs. Doyle on this fella. "Ah go on, be in a relationship with me. Ah, go on, go on, go on"

My honest belief is that there is no one magical person for everyone- there's tons of perfect people for everyone, and the magic happens when that person honestly and sincerely is in the same place as you emotionally, physically and (naf as it sounds), spiritually. This guy is not in the same place as you, and talking him into saying he is isn't the same as him getting there on his own.

Very very true and as someone else said (might have been you baby not too sure!) ,c ast your net out wide!

Conor30

I agree with every word baby and crumble said. If I were you, I'd definitely move abroad for that new job. I don't know where exactly it is, but it's probably better than here at the moment and it'd be a fresh, exciting start for you! It could be the best decision you ever made for yourself. Wish I were moving abroad!!!

If this guy is for you, he won't pass you by. The best thing you both could do with is space to work out what you want. Also, by moving abroad, this bloke might realise he was possibly taking you too much for granted.

46w

mango salsa wrote: »

You were given lots of advice on previous threads. Not being harsh but it seems like you want to receive advice but don't want to take the advice on board!

Your probably right I guess. Just soo hard. I appreciate all your comments. I agree with what you have all said.

Conor30

We want what we can't have and don't want what we need!

46w

Conor30 wrote: »

We want what we can't have and don't want what we need!

What do we need?

Conor30

46w wrote: »

What do we need?

Somebody who truly loves us back, someone who wants the same thing(s) as us and ultimately someone who is actually good for us.

46w

thats exactly what I want

Conor30

46w wrote: »

thats exactly what I want

Yes, so do most people - but we often look for it in the wrong guys, etc.

46w

Yea, thats true I think. How do I fall out of love with him tho. I think the move away probably is the only way. At least it will be a clean break... Its just too hard around here to make a clean break from him. He lives only a few miles from me and I see him often.

Killer Pigeon

46w wrote: »

Yea, thats true I think. How do I fall out of love with him tho. I think the move away probably is the only way. At least it will be a clean break... Its just too hard around here to make a clean break from him. He lives only a few miles from me and I see him often.

Just forget about him and start dating again. I don't think that there are many other ways to fall "out" of love. The move abroad will help. It will be painful but that's the consequences you'll have to pay. Next time, look for someone who will fulfill all your needs, not just in the present but in the future too. The only reason you're in the position you're in now is because you were thinking in the moment, rather than looking ahead. Love is dangerous, methinks, and should be treated as though it were fire.

i_steal_sheep

Killer Pigeon wrote: »

Just forget about him and start dating again. I don't think that there are many other ways to fall "out" of love. The move abroad will help. It will be painful but that's the consequences you'll have to pay. Next time, look for someone who will fulfill all your needs, not just in the present but in the future too. The only reason you're in the position you're in now is because you were thinking in the moment, rather than looking ahead. Love is dangerous, methinks, and should be treated as though it were fire.

Get on that plane 46w...

Conor30

Let us know what you decide anyway 46a and how you get on if you make that move abroad!