Why do [some] guys cheat on their long term girlfriends - bored, or not in love?

hondasam

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Did he just have a one night stand or did he have an affair?
It is possible to stay together, some people cheat once and never do it again.

We broke up for a few months, and he met up during this time, and when we got back together we moved in together. When he went home every few weeks he saw her - think they were FWB. Found the emails. So that was why i was wondering, one night stand is one thing. Judging by the emails, he has told her pretty much everything about himself, career, his family, friends etc.. Of course saying things were not working out with us.

It's more than a one night stand. He has got close to her.
You might be better to post this in Personal issues. good luck

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=127

Tweet0004

Thanks

Pdfile

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Why do guys cheat on long term girlfriends, if they have no children, and are not married, and are free to walk away, as they are not married. I know girls do too. Not all guys cheat, i am aware of this, but just seems so common now adays, and think that they are afraid of been on their own.

cause ive got 99 problems and the itch is one....


the tarts in the wezz disco i swear... :rolleyes:

Spread

Solved!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2083692/Why-men-ALWAYS-cheat-love-partners-dont-want-leave-them.html

Tweet0004

agree with you , but there is a difference between boys and men

candy-gal1

not fancying the person theyre with long term anymore and staying with them till something else comes along but also telling the long term one that they love them and will always be with them etc etc, cheating on them, and then breaking up with them seems to be the way to go for some people ive heard :rolleyes:

XenaLady

candy-gal1 wrote: »

not fancying the person theyre with long term anymore and staying with them till something else comes along

Thats the whole point, depends on how much ya like the other half. Wouldnt want to upset anyone if it matters, but if it doesnt... ah well...

DEFTLEFTHAND

A man can be in genuine love with a girl but still may want to sample rare fruit, Can the wimmins make sense of that?:D

XenaLady

some of us gals might even think the same way lolz

holystungun9

Tweet0004 wrote: »

agree with you , but there is a difference between boys and men

True dat, jus ask those singer guys.

Scanlas The 2nd

Because men love their partners and love sex with other women. Simple

p

For further reading on this matter:
http://www.amazon.com/Red-Queen-Evolution-Human-Nature/dp/0140245480

Robdude

I dated a girl for four years in and after college. She was great and we had a good relationship. We spent three of those four years living together.

I cheated on her a lot.

My problem was that I really liked being in a relationship with her but I also really liked the excitement of meeting someone new. Some of the best memories of my life include the first time I kissed a new girl. The first touch, the first look, starting a relationship, getting to know the girl - I couldn't have any of that with my girlfriend - because we ALREADY had it. We already knew each other.

At first, I tried to just 'suck it up'. I was with a girl, so I didn't get to do those things. But after six months or so, it really bothered me. I thought about breaking up with her - but I didn't want to hurt her and I didn't want to lose the good relationship we had. I truthfully didn't know what to do. In 5 years - I could imagine her and I married with kids - but I was young and in college....I wanted to 'party' a little too.

The first time I cheated on her, I didn't set out to do it (but I allowed it to happen). It was at a big party at another school, visiting an old friend. Nobody knew me. I met a girl and made out with her. It was awesome.

When I got back I felt great. And my relationship with my girlfriend was even better. I was in good mood, I appreciated her again. And it was so *easy*.

I didn't feel any guilt. It was easy to rationalize it. She didn't find out, so she didn't get hurt. I didn't even sleep with this other girl - it was just making out. Nobody got hurt. And I had a wonderful time. It was great. Life was good.

I realized that I could have EVERYTHING I wanted by cheating. I could have a mature relationship with my girlfriend *AND* have the thrill of a new girl by cheating. It seemed so easy.

And truthfully, it was.

I'm not some super attractive, smooth guy, that can just pick up girls whenever he wants. I'm just a regular guy (at best). But I started going out of my way to not mention my girlfriend outside of the circle of people she interacted with. I was in a club sport in college and my girlfriend never interacted with those people, so I told them all we broke up.

When I wasn't around my girlfriend - I was single.
When she was around - I was with her.

Over the months, every now and then, I'd met some new girl. And I'd pursue her. And it was *so much easier* to hit on a girl when I knew I had a girlfriend. Maybe it means I have low self-esteem or something - but I was way more successful with women at bars and parties when I had a girlfriend.

Some of the times, it would be a one time thing. Other times, I'd meet a new girl and end up 'dating' her for a few weeks/months. In my head though, I knew that the new girl was just a fling.

The really ironic part of it all, was that in many ways (aside from the actual cheating) I was a better boyfriend while I was cheating. Before I started cheating, I wasn't even really sure if we should be dating. I felt bad and resentful for missing out on the experiences I wanted in college....but once I was cheating, I thought our relationship was perfect. I appreciated her more and I was more caring and more attentive.

This went on for years. She never found out and was never negatively impacted by any of the cheating I did.

MagicSean

Robdude wrote: »

but I was young and in college

Pathetic excuse for being a selfish liar to be honest.

Jay D

Robdude wrote: »

I dated a girl for four years in and after college. She was great and we had a good relationship. We spent three of those four years living together.

I cheated on her a lot.

My problem was that I really liked being in a relationship with her but I also really liked the excitement of meeting someone new. Some of the best memories of my life include the first time I kissed a new girl. The first touch, the first look, starting a relationship, getting to know the girl - I couldn't have any of that with my girlfriend - because we ALREADY had it. We already knew each other.

At first, I tried to just 'suck it up'. I was with a girl, so I didn't get to do those things. But after six months or so, it really bothered me. I thought about breaking up with her - but I didn't want to hurt her and I didn't want to lose the good relationship we had. I truthfully didn't know what to do. In 5 years - I could imagine her and I married with kids - but I was young and in college....I wanted to 'party' a little too.

The first time I cheated on her, I didn't set out to do it (but I allowed it to happen). It was at a big party at another school, visiting an old friend. Nobody knew me. I met a girl and made out with her. It was awesome.

When I got back I felt great. And my relationship with my girlfriend was even better. I was in good mood, I appreciated her again. And it was so *easy*.

I didn't feel any guilt. It was easy to rationalize it. She didn't find out, so she didn't get hurt. I didn't even sleep with this other girl - it was just making out. Nobody got hurt. And I had a wonderful time. It was great. Life was good.

I realized that I could have EVERYTHING I wanted by cheating. I could have a mature relationship with my girlfriend *AND* have the thrill of a new girl by cheating. It seemed so easy.

And truthfully, it was.

I'm not some super attractive, smooth guy, that can just pick up girls whenever he wants. I'm just a regular guy (at best). But I started going out of my way to not mention my girlfriend outside of the circle of people she interacted with. I was in a club sport in college and my girlfriend never interacted with those people, so I told them all we broke up.

When I wasn't around my girlfriend - I was single.
When she was around - I was with her.

Over the months, every now and then, I'd met some new girl. And I'd pursue her. And it was *so much easier* to hit on a girl when I knew I had a girlfriend. Maybe it means I have low self-esteem or something - but I was way more successful with women at bars and parties when I had a girlfriend.

Some of the times, it would be a one time thing. Other times, I'd meet a new girl and end up 'dating' her for a few weeks/months. In my head though, I knew that the new girl was just a fling.

The really ironic part of it all, was that in many ways (aside from the actual cheating) I was a better boyfriend while I was cheating. Before I started cheating, I wasn't even really sure if we should be dating. I felt bad and resentful for missing out on the experiences I wanted in college....but once I was cheating, I thought our relationship was perfect. I appreciated her more and I was more caring and more attentive.

This went on for years. She never found out and was never negatively impacted by any of the cheating I did.

Ya can't say all that and not tell us how it ended!! Unless she's on boards of course

candy-gal1

XenaLady wrote: »

Thats the whole point, depends on how much ya like the other half. Wouldnt want to upset anyone if it matters, but if it doesnt... ah well...

well maybe thats just me then, but imho if your with someone long term, with many ways of commitment, tell the person you love them, will be with them forever if youll have them :rolleyes: , etc etc then why cheat tbh, also why cheat on someone if your already planning on breaking up with them anyway, then lie that you never cheated even though your breaking up so you may as well say it now tbh



people are just confusing, not you xenalady, just in general

Robdude

MagicSean wrote: »

Pathetic excuse for being a selfish liar to be honest.

That wasn't intended to excuse what I did; only to offer insight into my situation.

I felt like college was meant to be a time of experimenting and freedom. I wanted to have crazy college adventures and then, afterwards, settle down with a wife and have a family. I still believe that is the most common course of action - and when I look at the average age for getting married, it's aligns with my beliefs.

Azureus

I always said to any boyfriend I have had, if you wanna sleep with/kiss someone else, just call me and break up with me first. The lack of thought and consideration for your partner involved in an act like cheating is despicable, its not the physical act behind it, its the betrayal involved and anyone who does that is scum-excuses like 'bored' or 'not in love anymore' are worthless-man up and break up with the person first. This applies to both sexes.

puddinboxxx

Robdude

Jay D wrote: »

Ya can't say all that and not tell us how it ended!! Unless she's on boards of course

Ultimately, after about four years we did break up (I ended it). She never learned of the cheating and we're still friendly with one another via e-mail.

I expected that, as I got older, I'd grow out of the desire to cheat. But that didn't seem to happen. When we finished school, our plans to get married were getting closer and I still didn't feel 'ready' to get married. And, we learned that we both had slightly different expectations for how our life together should be.

So I ended it.

Most relationships, particularly those amongst younger couples, end in a break up or divorce. I'm not sure if that means it was a failed relationship. Without the cheating, we might have broken up sooner.

Johnny Foreigner

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Why do guys cheat on long term girlfriends, if they have no children, and are not married, and are free to walk away, as they are not married. I know girls do too. Not all guys cheat, i am aware of this, but just seems so common now adays, and think that they are afraid of been on their own.

The thrill of knowing they can get away with it.

sunnymar

Robdude wrote: »

Jay D wrote: »

Ya can't say all that and not tell us how it ended!! Unless she's on boards of course

Ultimately, after about four years we did break up (I ended it). She never learned of the cheating and we're still friendly with one another via e-mail.

I expected that, as I got older, I'd grow out of the desire to cheat. But that didn't seem to happen. When we finished school, our plans to get married were getting closer and I still didn't feel 'ready' to get married. And, we learned that we both had slightly different expectations for how our life together should be.

So I ended it.

Most relationships, particularly those amongst younger couples, end in a break up or divorce. I'm not sure if that means it was a failed relationship. Without the cheating, we might have broken up sooner.

"without cheating we might have broken up sooner"

so you measure how good a relationship is based on how long it lasts?

Also, the absolute arrogance off that statement. Do you not think your ex deserved to be with someone who didnt cheat on her? Who thought being with just her was enough?

Acacia

They want the best of both worlds.


I know a guy who was madly in love with his gf, but just went out and had sex with another girl for no real reason. Well, he couldn't explain why. Just because he could, I think.


It's fairly hard to tar everyone with the same brush though.

Jay D

sunnymar wrote: »

"without cheating we might have broken up sooner"

so you measure how good a relationship is based on how long it lasts?

Also, the absolute arrogance off that statement. Do you not think your ex deserved to be with someone who didnt cheat on her? Who thought being with just her was enough?

Is it really up to anyone else to judge? I don't agree with cheating, in fact even seeing it on TV has a weird affect on me but everyone's different.

BunShopVoyeur

Robdude wrote: »

I met a girl and made out with her. It was awesome.

Like totally dude. :pac:

theTinker

I've never cheated on any of my gfs. Never see the point in it.

My friends always cheat though, I find it really strange but ive become accustomed to it.

In my experience and reasoning on this topic over the last decade, I believe its due to 3 reasons.

1.People are too weak to shape thier life how they want it to be. They'll stay in manogomous relationships sa they dont want to be alone, or they dont want thier gf/bf to be with anyone but them, even though they dont actually want to be manogmous.

2.Alot of people are not naturally suppose to be manogamous. Some people are really suited to it, but if you find yourself wanting to be with others while in a relationship, and cheat or feel incredible urges to cheat. Then Its simple, manogamy is not for you.

3.Drunken mistakes. I am loath to admit this can be a reason, but sometimes some people do just get so incredibly ****faced that they havent a clue what they are doing. Rare though. Most of the time its reason number 2.


I myself, dont belong in a manogamous relationship. Im in my first open relationship now and its working out pretty darn well. Having the freesdom to spend any type of time with any one i choose is quite liberating, and my gf is just someone who im crazy about. So its nice to have both.

theTinker

Azureus wrote: »

I always said to any boyfriend I have had, if you wanna sleep with/kiss someone else, just call me and break up with me first. The lack of thought and consideration for your partner involved in an act like cheating is despicable, its not the physical act behind it, its the betrayal involved and anyone who does that is scum-excuses like 'bored' or 'not in love anymore' are worthless-man up and break up with the person first. This applies to both sexes.

I completely agree with this. People are well more fecked over by the lying and deceit invovled. Sleeping with someone is an act that can be forgiven or ignored or whatever, but when you prove yourself untrustworthy and a liar. It undermines the whole relationship.
Take the lying, deceit, and betrayal out of sleeping with someone else, and i think alot of people wouldnt give a **** in most ways. Its usually that thier perception of thier partner is destroyed which is the hardest part to get over. If the perception is correct and theres no betrayal. Its all good. Well once people get over thier insecurities.

Scanlas The 2nd

Azureus wrote: »

I always said to any boyfriend I have had, if you wanna sleep with/kiss someone else, just call me and break up with me first. The lack of thought and consideration for your partner involved in an act like cheating is despicable, its not the physical act behind it, its the betrayal involved and anyone who does that is scum-excuses like 'bored' or 'not in love anymore' are worthless-man up and break up with the person first. This applies to both sexes.

So if your boyfriend broke up with you at 10pm on Saturday night and got back with you at 6am Sunday morning having banged numerous skinny bitches in the interval you'd be ok with that. I like the cut of your jib.

Azureus

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

So if your boyfriend broke up with you at 10pm on Saturday night and got back with you at 6am Sunday morning having banged numerous skinny bitches in the interval you'd be ok with that. I like the cut of your jib.

Who said I'd take the fecker back!?

Sure Id be fine with it once they were just skinny bitches he was banging, no fat chicks!

Scanlas The 2nd

MagicSean wrote: »

Robdude wrote: »

but I was young and in college

Pathetic excuse for being a selfish liar to be honest.

Chill out with the judgemental crap, his post was very genuine and insightful, he wasn't cheating on you.

ItsAWindUp

Selfishness?

Eric Cartman

cheating is usually just about having sex with different people , if more partners were open to being allowed to have no strings sex (no attachment) with other people then it wouldnt be such a problem.

Scanlas The 2nd

ItsAWindUp wrote: »

Selfishness?

Everything anyone ever does is selfish. People do it for pleasure and excitement.

Azureus

No strings sex is all well and good in theory, but its not chemically possible for the majority of women (I don't know if it works the same in men). Attachment hormones are released and thats the end of that! We're chemically designed to be crazy.

hatrickpatrick

Why did this thread have to turn into a battle of the sexes?
AH knows I feel quite strongly about some of the double standards against guys, but I'm sorry, cheating on your partner no matter WHAT gender you are is the height of selfishness.
If you don't want to be with him/her anymore, be honest about it and break up. By cheating on someone but staying in the relationship and (presumably) keeping it a secret, what you're saying is "it's ok for me to be with whoever I want but I still want you to keep yourself for me". If you want to have an open relationship there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but if it isn't mutually agreed you're being horrifically cruel to the person you're cheating on.

This happens more or less equally in men AND women - if you don't want to be with someone, have the decency to end it so they can be free AS WELL as you being free. Asking someone to save it for you when you're not going to save it for them just being spoiled.

--LOS--

Happens the other way around too, why do women cheat? Why does anyone? Coz they're A-holes, no other explanation really.

stupidusername

Azureus wrote: »

Attachment hormones are released and thats the end of that! We're chemically designed to be crazy.

well then I must be chemically a man.

Azureus

stupidusername wrote: »

well then I must be chemically a man.

I said the majority of women, obviously these things aren't definitive. I dont think its exclusive to women either from what I remember reading but I'm not entirely sure tbh.
I know I couldn't have one night stands or sleep around because emotionally it would feck me up,and after looking into the reasonings behind this apparently its a chemical thing. Sciencey people would be better with the facts on this one though

Eric Cartman

stupidusername wrote: »

well then I must be chemically a man.

your one of the lucky ones then

starlit

They are either insecure, needy, or have commitment phobia. It might just all be about being with another person to full-fill other needs that their partner cannot or is not fulfilling. or that they want something better or want excitement the thrill of it all. If they found out their partner is not happy or relationship is not going well perhaps its ending or that the relationship is too hunky dory and boring.

Or they are just selfish and want want want not give give give. Its all give and take but they take it rather than give. Temptation is just too much for them not to let it go if an opportunity arises.

Doesn't matter whether they are male or female have boyfriends or girlfriends or not.

Tweet0004

Thanks for such great answers. Think there are so many reasons. But when you are in a long term relationship, and looking to eventually marriage. You think, well, is he is in love or not. Will he turn around a few years down the line, and say i am off, and you were planning on marriage and children.
I know some people cheat, and eventually stop as they get older.

But personally, think, one person should be enough for anyone, if this is not what you want,then just be honest and sayit. By cheating, you are not giving your partner the choice to end it and leave. So think it is the lying that bothers me most.:)

jimbobaloobob

Did you start this thread for advice?

Tweet0004

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

Giselle

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

I'd say a large chunk of the time, cheating is caused by opportunity.

Scanlas The 2nd

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he could just love both you and sex with other women.

mariano rivera

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

Neither

The truth might be harder to take

Your long term boyfriend is an asshole

Outkast_IRE

I believe its the lack of "Honour" in the traditional sense in todays society.

Show me a man you would truely say is a honourable man and i will put money down that he does not cheat.

Also guys and girls who cheat on their OH are generally cowards who want out but are unwilling to hurt the other half in order to get out.
Whereas by cheating they are causing far more pain when found out compared to if they simply split up.

XenaLady

candy-gal1 wrote: »

people are just confusing, not you xenalady, just in general

just to clear things out, I never did cheat on anyone and never will, but I dont really judge the ones that end up doing it.

Zulu

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

Well look at it this way: if he was really, really, really happy with you, he wouldn't have cheated. So you are right to blame yourself.

Scanlas The 2nd

Zulu wrote: »

Tweet0004 wrote: »

Wanted to know, if cheating is caused by not been happy or just not in love ,and he was unable to end it.

Well look at it this way: if he was really, really, really happy with you, he wouldn't have cheated. So you are right to blame yourself.

I disagree, he could be really times 100 happy but then he finds himself in a situation where a really sexy woman is seducing him and he just doesn't have te will power not to receive pleasure from the woman in the moment.