"I'm Just Not Ready for a Relationship"

Ickle Magoo

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

So the lad was upfront about where it was going and the girls were stupid enough to think they knew better or could change him. How is this an example of him being a dick?

Lol, no...he wasn't being upfront...that's the point - and he'd be the first one to tell you that, think you're just looking to be insulted at this stage!

He was perfectly happy to be in a relationship, infact if memory serves, he was in a relationship...he also liked stringing a lot of other ladies along. Look he's a friend, I'm not trying to paint him as a monster, I'm just using him as an example of someone who uses the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship" when infact they knowingly have no issues with being in a relationship - they are just using that line and it's connotations to ensure the benefits remain on-tap.

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

I wasn't saying it doesn't happen, I'm arguing with the generalised interpretation laying the blame at the door of men who are candid about the likely outcome of the relationship.

As above, there is clearly a difference (which I've argued myself if you read the thread) between genuinely considering yourself in the wrong place/head-space for a relationship and blatantly lying to someone to try to ensure you can have your cake and eat it.

seenitall

Ah jaysus, of all the times to say that to me! (I will freely admit that I can come across biting or patronising when the blood is up, but this truly isn't one of the times when it would be even half-intended! )

I normally really respect and enjoy your contribution on boards, just disagree this time. No offence meant.

phoenix833

coco_lola wrote: »

it states that if a guy wants to be with a girl, he will go to any lengths to do so, simple as.

I'm a guy and I 100% agree with this. I met a girl before christmas and was I very interested,first time in a while actually, went on a date and unless I'm useless at reading signals or she was a brilliant actress she was interested in me too.

Christmas came along, she went home for almost a month and when she came back she'd gotten back with her ex-boyfriend. Or so she says...:D

Obviously I was disappointed but I wished her luck because I was ready for a new relationship but IMO if she went back to her ex there was obviously still some feelings there and so wouldn't really have been in a position to have a relationship with me.

In a normal circumstance minus the ex boyfriend I definitely would have tried my utmost to get something going. I think it's a fine line to walk though...to seem interested but not infatuated and coming across as needy/incessant.

Kevin Duffy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Lol, no...he wasn't being upfront...that's the point - and he'd be the first one to tell you that, think you're just looking to be insulted at this stage!

He was perfectly happy to be in a relationship, infact if memory serves, he was in a relationship...he also liked stringing a lot of other ladies along. Look he's a friend, I'm not trying to paint him as a monster, I'm just using him as an example of someone who uses the line "I'm just not ready for a relationship" when infact they knowingly have no issues with being in a relationship - they are just using that line and it's connotations to ensure the benefits remain on-tap.



As above, there is clearly a difference (which I've argued myself if you read the thread) between genuinely considering yourself in the wrong place/head-space for a relationship and blatantly lying to someone to try to ensure you can have your cake and eat it.

Throwing in a little attacking the poster? Poor form. I nowhere said or implied I was insulted by the arguments advanced, I just disagreed with them and the ensuing generalisation. You've also shifted the goalposts of your story by adding more about your flatmate. Even with that addition though, it doesn't change the fact that while he is a dick for cheating, take away his relationship status and the "Not ready for...." bit wouldn't matter, it can still be true. For the generalisation that anyone saying it is a dick, it would have to be a device everytime it's said, which it's not.

seenitall wrote: »

Ah jaysus, of all the times to say that to me! (I will freely admit that I can come across biting or patronising when the blood is up, but this truly isn't one of the times when it would be even half-intended! )

I normally really respect and enjoy your contribution on boards, just disagree this time. No offence meant.

Fair enough, if it wasn't meant, no hard feelings. Glad you normally like my contribution. Thanks for saying so and hope you do again.

panda100

coco_lola wrote: »

However, do any of you believe that there are guys out there that, even if they truly do have feelings for a girl, are genuinely just not in the right place for a relationship (due to bad past relationships, etc) and it's a case of bad timing? Or is it a general consensus that even if a guy feels as if he's not ready, when he meets a girl he wants to be with, he will just be with her no matter what?

I can only speak on my own behalf as a women, but If I want to be with someone I will be with them,it really doesnt matter what state Im in emotionally,physically or otherwise. I have used the old 'Im not in the right place for a relationship right now' excuse, but If I'm being truthful it was because I just didn't want to commit to that particular person. Sometimes its just kinder to say that then to say to someone your just not into them.

If the person is right then the timing,no matter what your going through,will always be right.

Ickle Magoo

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Throwing in a little attacking the poster? Poor form. I nowhere said or implied I was insulted by the arguments advanced, I just disagreed with them and the ensuing generalisation.

Exactly my point, what generalisation? It's only you seeing no difference between someone who genuinely isn't in the right head-space for a relationship and is being honest about that and someone who lies and says they aren't to wilfully deceive whatever unfortunate is daft enough to want a relationship with them but would drop them quicker than a hot snot if they were told the relationship had zero prospects ever.

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

You've also shifted the goalposts of your story by adding more about your flatmate. Even with that addition though, it doesn't change the fact that while he is a dick for cheating, take away his relationship status and the "Not ready for...." bit wouldn't matter, it can still be true. For the generalisation that anyone saying it is a dick, it would have to be a device everytime it's said, which it's not.

Not really, either way he was quite aware of what he was doing and he was quite aware he was lying and manipulating to get more of his own way. Again, I don't see the generalisation in terms of anyone who is not ready for a relationship. People who lie in order to manipulate and coerce other people into staying in situations they wouldn't if they knew the whole truth are leaving themselves open to criticism and being called dicks, if you ask me...some even put their hands up to it, like my mate.

CathyMoran

My husband and I met 2 years before we first started dating but by that stage I had fallen in love with someone who almost was the one for me (he is still a friend) and I did feel that I needed time to get over him. The song Patience by Take That describes how I felt at the time so yes I understand that it can be truthful.

atila

There's no easy way to turn someone down, you can try to "give a reason" but many people will reach for a stock one like this that is as gentle a way as they can find for a delicate situation. Im not sure there is such a state as being ready for a relationship, or not ready, dont they just sort of happen imperceptively over time, either you grow closer to someone or you dont. (unless that is your American where its hard to distinguish a date from an interview! )

Some people just don't like being in relationships, so use that line as an easy way out. I have done it before, it's not just guys that say it! I have really, really liked people and get on really well with them, but simply can't go out with them. Nothing to do with the person, just myself. Can't do relationships, they make me go mad.

Fluorescence

Previous relationships didn't work out for me because I was never really in the right headspace for them (though I couldn't see that at the time). My first boyfriend had to dump me because I didn't realise I was becoming aloof and reclusive from him.

In another relationship, I had to break it off with the guy because I was finally starting to understand that I really wasn't ready for such an attachment. I just enjoyed getting my ego stroked (it shames me deeply to say). The poor man kept trying to win me back, convinced it was something he had done, something that was his fault. I had to have a really long heart to heart with him to try to make him see that I wasn't churning out clichés; it wasn't him, it was me. Alas I ruined a very strong friendship in doing so.

So now I'm more than content to remain single while I focus on myself. I used to think that was being selfish, but now I realise it's more selfish to get into a relationship I'm totally unready and unsuited for. So yeah, I tell people who ask me out the truth. It's just a shame that they think I'm lying to spare their feelings

People who lead others on though and aren't explicit about their wish to remain single are utter scumbags.

IrishEyes19

I really dont think there is a black and white answer to this.

Personally I do believe peoples backgrounds and emotional states at the time will affect how they act and get into a relationship. But Im a great believer in...if its meant to be, it is.

The words "Im just not ready or I cant commit," are often too easy to say when you wish to spare feelings. True, sometimes that may be the case, but at the end of the day, if you want to be with that person and love them, I do believe you'll give it a shot because losing them would be the worst thing of all.

Communication is the key here. you need to establish where you both are at, so that no-one is left hurt or confused. And if you want more, and they dont. Leave the relationship. If its meant to be, they will come back when they are ready. I really think too many people stick around believing they will convince and change that person's mind or think a late night text a few weeks later on a saturday night saying how they miss you, means a total turn around.

Personally Ive learnt from past experiences to walk away from a situation if you cant meet each others terms and compromise otherwise you will spend a lifetime waiting for someone to commit.

sam34

I've used it and meant it. it was at a time when I had come out of a seriously toxic relationship and, to put it mildly, my head was wrecked. I just couldn't contemplate getting involved with anyone else at the time, despite a genuinely lovely guy expressing an interest.

Seomra Mushie

I had a period of serious illness a few years ago, with a fair few nasty complications that would definitely have impacted on sex life. The last thing I would have wanted at that time was a boyfriend. It would have no way to begin a relationship. If I had met someone special during that time, I would have used the line and really meant it.

Who knows what someone's reason for saying it is?

dancesatnight

personally im not ready for a realtionship i was with a girl wout i loved with all of my being but things didnt work out. she then strung me along with the idea of getting back to kill time till she found someone whoturned out to be a dud surprise surpise. im not time a time out from realtionships to get my head sorted i dont lie to girls i example when the question comes up where this is going i simply say im not ready for one i want to deal with the issue i have and not drag my problems in to a new realtionship. it totally up to them what they do. one or two have gone ok and ive never heard a thing back other are like ok right well this is something we can work at slowly so and we take a step back and get to know each other much better. i dont want to be hurt as much as i was again. i know it could happen and im enjoying single life for the moment. the grand i had saved to spend my ex at christmas was used for good for me but not my liver i think i was out every night lol. i dont think its selfish of someone to say sorry im not ready for a realtionship. i also belive that yes if i a guy is head over heels for a girl he will stick around in the back ground and see how things pan out. but i also think a lot of people use people to pass the time till some thing better comes along

ash23

I'm unsure on this. I agree that to a certain extent a guy or girl will go to great lengths for a person they are mad about. So on that basis, if I've been seeing a guy for a while and he's very "meh" about the whole thing then it's a case of he's not into me and move on from him.

However, I have had phases where I have not been interested in a relationship. For a good while after I got dumped when I got pregnant and then when my last LTR ended in him cheating.
I'm on the fence now and if I met someone I was mad about or if I fell in love, I'd want a relationship. But I'm finding it hard to allow myself to get to that stage of being mad about someone or falling in love. I normally restrict myself to brief, unsuitable flings because I know they're doomed and it means I don't have to allow myself to get into that frame of mind of wanting to be with someone I care about.

All in all, it's far more complex than "he's not that into you".
In short I don't get involved because I don't want a relationship/amn't ready. But I think people who do get involved longer term (weeks/months) and are still pr!cking around with "I'm not ready" are just total time wasters and are not interested.
If you're genuinely not ready for a relationship it's unlikely you'll spend enough time with someone to cod them into thinking it's heading that way. You'll be gone way before it gets to that point. In my opinion.

CathyMoran

Thinking about this again - in my case I stayed with the relationship as the person was too wonderful to miss but it was very hard. I still believe that you can be genuinely not ready for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Ever had someone say 'I'm not ready for a relationship' with you and then within weeks/months they're deep in a relationship with someone else? It's happened to me, my friends... oh and I've also been the person saying it. Healthy people rarely let a good thing go.

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

sam34

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

speak for yourself, please.

Wibbs

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Of course it's still possible to not be ready for a relationship, consciously or unconsciously, but if someone is really amazing, you'll still give it a shot... even if your baggage makes it dysfunctional.

Just speaking personally here, but if I felt I was anyway dysfunctional due to baggage, or not in a good place emotionally, or in bad health or financially dubious then why on earth would I pull someone else into that? Someone I might care for? Frankly it simply does not compute for me and appears(again to me) very self centered. Very "feck anyone else I'll just run on my needs as they turn up". That to me is not love, nor a good foundation for it. For me it's the crotch speaking, not the heart or mind.

Amy33

He means "I'm just not ready for a relationship ......with you"

Trankton

I have definitely said this recently, never as an excuse to just 'get what I want' from a woman but because I genuinely felt I wasn't ready (following a truly soul destroying breakup), and that by pursuing a relationship with the person it would not be fair on them as I wouldn't be able to give them what they want and deserve. I sincerely felt they deserved better than what I could give.

Since the breakup I have met some truly fantastic people, and I believe that under different circumstances I could have been happy with them but I just find I can't open up anymore for fear of being destroyed again, so if things ever get anyway serious I really panic, making me realize that I'm just not ready, even thought I would have begun meeting the person believing that I was ready.

So I think that saying 'Im not ready for a relationship' is not just a fella being a dick or copping out the easy way, but could be for any number of genuine reasons.

Alessandra

I met someone recently and whilst I connect with them; am attracted to
them and enjoy their company I do not feel like I want a relationship with them. They are aware of my feelings on this although they would like some commitment. I think they think I don't want a relationship with anyone at this time but to be honest I can't say that's true.. It might be bad of me but we both know where we stand.

Earthhorse

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Ever had someone say 'I'm not ready for a relationship' with you and then within weeks/months they're deep in a relationship with someone else? It's happened to me, my friends... oh and I've also been the person saying it. Healthy people rarely let a good thing go.

Well, I think it's all to do with why the person said it. Maybe they weren't ready a few months ago. Maybe they were and were trying to "let someone down easy". If it's the latter, then that's a bad way to tell someone you're not interested. But you can never tell which it is from the outside.

Wibbs wrote: »

Just speaking personally here, but if I felt I was anyway dysfunctional due to baggage, or not in a good place emotionally, or in bad health or financially dubious then why on earth would I pull someone else into that? Someone I might care for? Frankly it simply does not compute for me and appears(again to me) very self centered. Very "feck anyone else I'll just run on my needs as they turn up". That to me is not love, nor a good foundation for it. For me it's the crotch speaking, not the heart or mind.

In anyway dysfunctional? That sort of rules me out of ever being in a relationship.

I think it depends. If you're really off the rails, at a really bad juncture in your life then I can see where you're coming from. But if you're just avoiding it because you're not at your best then I'm not so sure; you can go on being miserable or you can invite someone into your life that might help that misery go away - not for that reason, but because you want to be with them.

First thing I'd say to you is to throw that book away. In my experience those things are more of a hindrance than anything.
As for your actual question, let me put it this way: the guy I'm currently seeing said that when we first started going out, I said the same thing back. Two years later and neither of us can deny that we've got a good thing going. A fun relationship sprung up between us and we both went with it.
I think people say things like that because for whatever reasons they're not sure about starting a new relationship (whether they're not sure how much they like you, are getting over a previous relationship, or simply at a busy period in their life). If you can accept that knowledge and you're both willing, I'd say give it a try anyway, but be prepared for a bumpy ride. After a while you may find yourselves wanting more, or getting sick of each other. The important thing is to go into it with no emotional attachment, stay somewhat distant and if both parties are ready move on.
My relationship had a slow start, but I'm glad I gave it a go now because the two of us had plenty of time to become friends.

ash23

Trankton wrote: »

So I think that saying 'Im not ready for a relationship' is not just a fella being a dick or copping out the easy way, but could be for any number of genuine reasons.

I agree unless you use the line and continue stringing along the person. It should be used as a final ending to a budding relationship with someone who wants more. Being a dick is when you keep stringing the other person along, knowing they're mad about you and want more from it.

Of course, the other person is also at fault and if they want more and are being told "I'm not ready for a relationship" they should listen. But some will hold out for the hope that eventually you will be ready and only a dick would string someone like that along.

newport2

coco_lola wrote: »

However, do any of you believe that there are guys out there that, even if they truly do have feelings for a girl, are genuinely just not in the right place for a relationship (due to bad past relationships, etc) and it's a case of bad timing? Or is it a general consensus that even if a guy feels as if he's not ready, when he meets a girl he wants to be with, he will just be with her no matter what?

When I first read your question, I figured straight away that the answer was that if a guy wants to be with you, then he will and that timing, right place etc sound like an excuse to let someone down gently.

Then it occured to me that I knew my wife 10 years before we started dating, so timing was defintely an element there - I wasn't really interested 10 years ago, can't imagine not being now!

I do think in 95% of cases though, not "ready for a relationship" is used for letting people down gently by both men and women. But not always.