"I'm Just Not Ready for a Relationship"

Trankton

I have definitely said this recently, never as an excuse to just 'get what I want' from a woman but because I genuinely felt I wasn't ready (following a truly soul destroying breakup), and that by pursuing a relationship with the person it would not be fair on them as I wouldn't be able to give them what they want and deserve. I sincerely felt they deserved better than what I could give.

Since the breakup I have met some truly fantastic people, and I believe that under different circumstances I could have been happy with them but I just find I can't open up anymore for fear of being destroyed again, so if things ever get anyway serious I really panic, making me realize that I'm just not ready, even thought I would have begun meeting the person believing that I was ready.

So I think that saying 'Im not ready for a relationship' is not just a fella being a dick or copping out the easy way, but could be for any number of genuine reasons.

Alessandra

I met someone recently and whilst I connect with them; am attracted to
them and enjoy their company I do not feel like I want a relationship with them. They are aware of my feelings on this although they would like some commitment. I think they think I don't want a relationship with anyone at this time but to be honest I can't say that's true.. It might be bad of me but we both know where we stand.

Earthhorse

lookinginthemirror wrote: »

Ever had someone say 'I'm not ready for a relationship' with you and then within weeks/months they're deep in a relationship with someone else? It's happened to me, my friends... oh and I've also been the person saying it. Healthy people rarely let a good thing go.

Well, I think it's all to do with why the person said it. Maybe they weren't ready a few months ago. Maybe they were and were trying to "let someone down easy". If it's the latter, then that's a bad way to tell someone you're not interested. But you can never tell which it is from the outside.

Wibbs wrote: »

Just speaking personally here, but if I felt I was anyway dysfunctional due to baggage, or not in a good place emotionally, or in bad health or financially dubious then why on earth would I pull someone else into that? Someone I might care for? Frankly it simply does not compute for me and appears(again to me) very self centered. Very "feck anyone else I'll just run on my needs as they turn up". That to me is not love, nor a good foundation for it. For me it's the crotch speaking, not the heart or mind.

In anyway dysfunctional? That sort of rules me out of ever being in a relationship.

I think it depends. If you're really off the rails, at a really bad juncture in your life then I can see where you're coming from. But if you're just avoiding it because you're not at your best then I'm not so sure; you can go on being miserable or you can invite someone into your life that might help that misery go away - not for that reason, but because you want to be with them.

First thing I'd say to you is to throw that book away. In my experience those things are more of a hindrance than anything.
As for your actual question, let me put it this way: the guy I'm currently seeing said that when we first started going out, I said the same thing back. Two years later and neither of us can deny that we've got a good thing going. A fun relationship sprung up between us and we both went with it.
I think people say things like that because for whatever reasons they're not sure about starting a new relationship (whether they're not sure how much they like you, are getting over a previous relationship, or simply at a busy period in their life). If you can accept that knowledge and you're both willing, I'd say give it a try anyway, but be prepared for a bumpy ride. After a while you may find yourselves wanting more, or getting sick of each other. The important thing is to go into it with no emotional attachment, stay somewhat distant and if both parties are ready move on.
My relationship had a slow start, but I'm glad I gave it a go now because the two of us had plenty of time to become friends.

ash23

Trankton wrote: »

So I think that saying 'Im not ready for a relationship' is not just a fella being a dick or copping out the easy way, but could be for any number of genuine reasons.

I agree unless you use the line and continue stringing along the person. It should be used as a final ending to a budding relationship with someone who wants more. Being a dick is when you keep stringing the other person along, knowing they're mad about you and want more from it.

Of course, the other person is also at fault and if they want more and are being told "I'm not ready for a relationship" they should listen. But some will hold out for the hope that eventually you will be ready and only a dick would string someone like that along.

newport2

coco_lola wrote: »

However, do any of you believe that there are guys out there that, even if they truly do have feelings for a girl, are genuinely just not in the right place for a relationship (due to bad past relationships, etc) and it's a case of bad timing? Or is it a general consensus that even if a guy feels as if he's not ready, when he meets a girl he wants to be with, he will just be with her no matter what?

When I first read your question, I figured straight away that the answer was that if a guy wants to be with you, then he will and that timing, right place etc sound like an excuse to let someone down gently.

Then it occured to me that I knew my wife 10 years before we started dating, so timing was defintely an element there - I wasn't really interested 10 years ago, can't imagine not being now!

I do think in 95% of cases though, not "ready for a relationship" is used for letting people down gently by both men and women. But not always.