Is being a stay at home parent worth it?

lazygal

Pregnant with my first child and I'm wavering between going back to work full-time or part-time and being a SAHM. We are in the very fortunate position of being able to have me stay home and living on one salary so its not a financial decision (I know how lucky we are that this is the case).
I am the first of my friends to have a child and I don't think any of them will be having children in the immediate future, so in that sense I will be on my own. There are toddler and mum groups very near my house (walking distance) and I'm looking into these. There's one mum near me I know slightly but since she has heard I'm pregnant has initiated a lot more contact and is delighted to have me call in for questions etc, which is great.

But I love working and wonder if I'll go mad staying at home all day. I am really torn being doing the best for the baby and my sanity. I've worked hard to get where I am in my career and am reluctant to give it up. It would be difficult for me to opt out for a few years on career break and then return as normal, so I know I'd be taking a step back to stay at home.

any advice always welcome!

Moonbeam

Wait and see how it goes,you may get cabin fever at home.
I found with 1 child working part time was perfect and with 2 being at home is the best option.
Everyone is different, what suits one person will not suit another.

Ickle Magoo

Like Moonbeam, I think it's a very personal choice - or even a matter of personal taste/expectation/personality/etc...I really don't think there is a black and white better/best to advise you of.

I started off at home and found it very restrictive, isolating and at times just down-right boring - I started a degree through the OU which helped and then when the kids started Montessori/school I also went back to work for those hours because for my own sanity I needed to be doing something other than the childcare, housework and coffee mornings/play groups which seemed to make up the majority of my days.

If you have the luxury to choose, I'd say wait and play it by ear.

All the very best. :cool:

chirogirl

I had my first child during the summer and I decided to return to work part-time (2-3 days) as I'm self employed I'm fortunate to be able to choose my days and hours of work.I went back to work after 3 moths and took her to work with me in the beginning. For me I seem to have struck a happy balance between work and the baby. As one of the previous posters said, cabin fever can set in especially during the winter months.
Good Luck with the pregnancy!

up for anything

My advice would be to keep working.

I know too many people of my age, including me, who gave up working to stay at home with their children and regretted it when they reached their 40s and their relationships broke up leaving them ill-equipped to provide for their children. You may feel that it will never happen to you and that your partner would never let his children down financially but hell, it happens all the time both to men and women.

Morag

If you can do part time then I think that would be the best idea.
I know me being at home full time has been the best for my kids but honestly I don't think it's been the best for me. It's hard to look at starting back to work when you've been out of it over a decade.

Mr.Wemmick

I am also in favour of working part-time especially if you can get good child-care and/or have extended family back-up.

I have been a SAHM for a few years now and, like the previous poster, it has been great for the kids but not always great for me. I do not have much of a choice as OH travels a lot and I really need to wait for my kids to be in school full-time before I can think about going back.

It is true when they say that a job allows you a rest from home as the 24 hours, 7 days a week, job of a parent can be exhausting especially if you have a child that doesn't sleep well, or is sick a lot.

Keeping one foot in the door of your career is worth doing too to ensure future employment; keeping your knowledge up-to-date of key changes and developments within your area of work.

Having written all that, mind, it really is down to you as I am sure there must be many happy Mums who have opted to stay-at-home and love it 100%.
I just don't know of any

liliq

It's definitely a personal thing!
I'm going back to "work" (I'm a research student) part time- so I'll be in work 2 days a week, and writing my thesis from home the rest of the week.
I'm glad that I'll be at home most of the time until my little man is at least one.
After that there will be some big decisions to be made- in this environment, it's hard to keep the edge when appling for jobs etc, so I'm not sure whether I'll be able to find something part time in my field. If I can, that's what I think would be ideal, at least for a few years... it would be the best of both worlds!

sillysocks

Id also say wait and see, I was sure I'd love being at home, and for the first few months I did but after the full 11 months off I was glad to go back to work to be honest. I'm back a few months now and don't regret it at all. I'd say a shorter working week might be ideal if it was an option, but again mayb just wait and see.

cch

You don't have to commit to anything regarding your job until 4 weeks before the statutory 26 weeks maternity leave is up. So assuming you work until two weeks before your due date and baby is born close to their due date then baby will be approx 5 months old and you'll be in a much better position to decide whether you want to go back to work straight away, take some or all of the 16 weeks unpaid maternity leave or hand in your notice (assuming 4 week notice period required).

I have a 14 month old and went back full time when she was 7 months old (similar situation to you - could have been SAHM, first of friends to have baby, like my job). Yes it's tough time wise but hubby is very hands on which is a big help, but for my own sanity going back was definitely the right decision! Though as someone else mentioned, if/when number 2 arrives then it's a totally different question...

Tombo2000

Couple of things.
Firstly, you say you are the first of your friends to have a child and you dont think the rest of your friends will have children for some time.
I'd say there is a good chance you will build up a new social network around parents with kids the same age is you. For example if you were breastfeeding you might attend breast feeding groups; you can bring the baby to toddler groups from about 9 months onwards. You;ll probably get to meet neighbours you have never spoken to before and some of them will have youngs kids the same age.
Second, a lot depends on how important your career is. I'd really not say there is a general rule here. Some people go mad being at home all day. Some people are perfectly content with it.
Third, bear in mind the cost of childcare, especially after a second child, is just unreal.
If you are earning anything up to €60k/€65k a year, if you have two kids with a childminder, then your childminder will be taking home more of your pay than you will (assuming you pay minimum wage). (I dont mean of the two incomes combined, I mean of the second income earned when the SAHM goes back to work).
So at that point the relevant question is not
Is it worth staying at home....
rather, it is Is there any point in working?
plus if you are staying at home, the tax situation for a married couple is much more advantageous than if both partners work.....

How Strange

I'd definitely agree with the wait and see approach. I know I couldn't be a sahm because I'd go insane from loneliness. I love the bones of my son but I'm a much better mother because I go to work.

During first five months of maternity leave I couldn't imagine being away from him everyday. I took all my annual leave and two weeks unpaid so he was 7 months when I was due back at work and by then I was ready. Of course I cried a lot for the first few days but only a parent can appreciate what's its like to make a cup of tea and drink it while it's still hot, to talk to adults, to have lunch and even better when you want to. My ideal scenario would be a 4 day week but my employer doesn't consider part time so it's full time or nothing.

So don't go making decisions yet. Wait and see how you feel when you have a 6 month old baby.

hoodwinked

My own experience of this was, when i was pregnant i decided i was 100% going back to work, i was the only one of my group with a baby.


by the time my maternity leave was up i wasn't ready but went back on a three day week, when i was made redundant 3 months later i was luckily in the position to choose a job offer or be a stay at home mum.

i chose to stay at home, at first it was great, i had all the time i wanted with my daughter and i loved it.

eventually though i could barely remember what day it was nevermind the date and i was missing adult conversations, i decided to go back to college to do something for myself that i wanted and liked rather then because i had to so i went back when she had just turned 2.

i would now wholly recommend to try being a stay at home mum if you can and see then if its for you, i know now i am a better mum because i spend more quality time with her and i am happier because i get a break, and i know she loves her creche!

Crea

I'd certainly wait and see. You'll have 7+ months at home on maternity to see what it's like to be a sahm. If I were you i'd go back to work full time for a while to see how it suits you and your family. If you have the option then you can see if full time or part-time suits you. I gave up work after baby 2 because a full time job with 2 was difficult. I'm sorry that I didn't have the option of part-time because now that all my kids are in school I find myself wanting to get back to work. Mind you it would have to be part time for school term time only so I won't be holding my breath.
It is very hard to get back into the work force once you leave.

Sleepy

Sharrow wrote: »

It's hard to look at starting back to work when you've been out of it over a decade.

Don't lose heart, my mother went back after nearly 15 years and it kicked off a whole new lease of life for her!

Das Kitty

Maternity leave will tell you.

I know I personally was cracking up at home by the end. I really felt lost and missing something. Getting back to work has been a godsend for my mental health. And I don't think my child would be better off if I were home with him because I don't think I would be the best mother he could have in the state I was in.

Then my best friend who could barely financially afford to be off for her maternity leave and loved work couldn't go back when the time came. So she stays at home with her now two children.

You don't know til you've tried it and luckily in this country we get to try it first!

Good luck OP.

Rosy Posy

I have to say that I love being a SAHM and wouldn't have it any other way. My social group has changed a lot and, since we have no extended family around, and I find it pretty hard to get out in the evenings, I love that I am free to socialise with other mothers during the day while the kids play.

One thing I will say is that I was never particularly career minded and got pregnant when I was in my final year of college so never really got started on a career path. I did a postgrad (extra murally) in my first child's first year and found it really hard to get the space to study while looking after my baby and to get the head space when I wasn't getting good sleep.

The other outlet that I have is that I have lots of interests that I can pursue within the home- I love baking and cooking and do a lot of handcrafts, and these are really compatible with being at home. If my main interests were outside the home/not compatible with childcare I probably would find it harder.

Something that I've noticed in Ireland though is that there is not a lot of respect for SAHM's and I think that if I still lived there this would get to me.

All the best with the baby and everything OP

Tombo2000

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I have to say that I love being a SAHM and wouldn't have it any other way. My social group has changed a lot and, since we have no extended family around, and I find it pretty hard to get out in the evenings, I love that I am free to socialise with other mothers during the day while the kids play.

One thing I will say is that I was never particularly career minded and got pregnant when I was in my final year of college so never really got started on a career path. I did a postgrad (extra murally) in my first child's first year and found it really hard to get the space to study while looking after my baby and to get the head space when I wasn't getting good sleep.

The other outlet that I have is that I have lots of interests that I can pursue within the home- I love baking and cooking and do a lot of handcrafts, and these are really compatible with being at home. If my main interests were outside the home/not compatible with childcare I probably would find it harder.

Something that I've noticed in Ireland though is that there is not a lot of respect for SAHM's and I think that if I still lived there this would get to me.

All the best with the baby and everything OP

You think there isnt much respect for SAHM's then try being a SAHD........

nesf

Part time work from home works well for me. Part time stay-at-home-dad, part time self-employed. Best of both worlds.

Mr.Wemmick

Tombo2000 wrote: »

You think there isnt much respect for SAHM's then try being a SAHD........

Think it is the same everywhere. Being a "non-working parent" as we are seen by most of society: lazy, drinking endless cups of coffee and doing very little.. and don't forget being brain dead - not capable of thinking about anything beyond housework and baby talk.

It's the glazed over expression you receive when you tell someone "who works" what you do.. nevermind, that with a bit of training, you probably could do their job standing on your head while writing a novel and reading an instruction manual on how to refit an exhaust system on a car.

I think the lack of respect stay-at-home parents receive doesn't help those of us who have given up work to raise our kids, and, if anything, strengthens our desire/eagerness to get back to work.

Whatever you decide OP, being a SAHM/D is your choice and if you are happy, go for it .. and as for the ignorant masses, you do what I do and beat them off with a big stick

Owl Tickler

lazygal wrote: »

Pregnant with my first child and I'm wavering between going back to work full-time or part-time and being a SAHM. We are in the very fortunate position of being able to have me stay home and living on one salary so its not a financial decision (I know how lucky we are that this is the case).
I am the first of my friends to have a child and I don't think any of them will be having children in the immediate future, so in that sense I will be on my own. There are toddler and mum groups very near my house (walking distance) and I'm looking into these. There's one mum near me I know slightly but since she has heard I'm pregnant has initiated a lot more contact and is delighted to have me call in for questions etc, which is great.

But I love working and wonder if I'll go mad staying at home all day. I am really torn being doing the best for the baby and my sanity. I've worked hard to get where I am in my career and am reluctant to give it up. It would be difficult for me to opt out for a few years on career break and then return as normal, so I know I'd be taking a step back to stay at home.

any advice always welcome!

Why not take all of your maternity leave, and then all of your unpaid leave too, and see how you like it?
My wife works in a school, and she managed over 15 months off due to all the holidays she would have gotten as well - the summer holidays also fell nicely in place and buffered the leave on both sides (i.e. off from July 2010 until late-Sep 2011).

Obviously you won't have as much holidays as that, but why not take the max you can & see how you like it, and decide a few months out?

BostonB

I'd say try it and see. You could always go part-time using parental leave if your work agrees.

nesf

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

Think it is the same everywhere. Being a "non-working parent" as we are seen by most of society: lazy, drinking endless cups of coffee and doing very little.. and don't forget being brain dead - not capable of thinking about anything beyond housework and baby talk.

It's the glazed over expression you receive when you tell someone "who works" what you do.. nevermind, that with a bit of training, you probably could do their job standing on your head while writing a novel and reading an instruction manual on how to refit an exhaust system on a car.

I think the lack of respect stay-at-home parents receive doesn't help those of us who have given up work to raise our kids, and, if anything, strengthens our desire/eagerness to get back to work.

Whatever you decide OP, being a SAHM/D is your choice and if you are happy, go for it .. and as for the ignorant masses, you do what I do and beat them off with a big stick

Nah, I get loads of "so you're unemployed" looks/comments from people when I answer the door during the day (doesn't bother me), my wife just gets friendly chat about the kids. Definitely it's more socially acceptable to be a SAHM these days though that's slowly changing.

lazygal

Thanks all. I know I won't be able to make the decision until baby arrives. I do plan on taking all the maternity leave (including unpaid) plus annual leave at the end so I'll have the guts of ten months off before having to decide. We'd also like to have children close in age (again might change after baby!!) so we'll see how that pans out.

daymobrew

Tombo2000 wrote: »

You think there isnt much respect for SAHM's then try being a SAHD........

As a SAHD I have not noticed any of this buy then I'm quite blind for such stuff and I don't mix with other parents.

I do web site development while my son naps. This was relatively easy when there was only one, but time is more scarce with two - I really only get about 90mins in the morning.

Having said that I really enjoy staying at home. It works for me. It helped that I didn't enjoy my job.
In the afternoons I can put them both on my bike and we can go anywhere - shops, zoo, city centre.

nesf

keithob wrote: »

id love to try the stay at home parent things for a few months see how it goes...

im off the opnion that its a handy number while i go to work each day to slog it out...!

its a constant topic for banter in our home...

serious though id love get up feed the kids do the school run... head for a coffee then the park make the dinners cleaning etc... sure its the life! :P

You forgot to append "/troll" to the end of your post.

Graciemight

lazygal wrote: »

Thanks all. I know I won't be able to make the decision until baby arrives. I do plan on taking all the maternity leave (including unpaid) plus annual leave at the end so I'll have the guts of ten months off before having to decide. We'd also like to have children close in age (again might change after baby!!) so we'll see how that pans out.

Ah the luxury of having time and flexibility! Congratulations I hope you enjoy motherhood as much as I am.

Just my own experience - My little boy will be two in march. I was so glad I was not on a clock to get him into a routine when I had him. I had no job at the time and I honestly cannot account for the first 6 months - the foggy bliss of mamnesia!

But by the time he was ten months old, I was starting to feel the pull towards working and goals and measurable achievements. Lucky, lucky me because I got a job in an office, job sharing with another lady. I couldn't afford to work full time - the childminding expense would negate the extra income and I would miss the baby too much. This is just right for me and I found my little niche because of the lack of pressure, I think, and a bit of luck too.

You will know what is best when the time comes - listen to your gut. And again, congratulations this is such a happy time

bubbaloo

I would definitely advise you to forget about this until you are in the reality of motherhood. We tried 7 years for our baby and when I finally got pregnant I was full of ideas about staying at home. In the end, when he arrived, I couldn't wait to get back to work. I personally feel it's a "thankless unpaid job" most of the time but some people enjoy it - so my advice would be to put it to the back of your mind, concentrate on a healthy pregnancy and see how you feel 6 months into motherhood.
Good luck.

mozattack

its well for some :mad:

Morag

Saying try it out over maternity leave is one thing, as you still have your own wages/benefit, it's different when the house hold income is less and you have a lot less independence fianically. It's one thing to talk about spending the time going for coffee or shopping or lunches or to the gym but not everyone has the where withall to be a lady who lunches.

Moonbeam

mozattack wrote: »

its well for some :mad:

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