What do you think of sending condolences via text?

hondasam

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending a txt, it's the thought that counts.
If it was a close friend I would expect to see them at the funeral anyway.
Basically a txt followed by phone call or attendance at the funeral is fine.

Eric Cartman

id preffer it , I hate talking on the phone and hate dealing with emotional people even more, text has no tone or feelings and gets the point accross to me.

Mc Kenzie

yea i think its alot more personal to shake theri hand or give a hug (depending your relationship)..i admit sending a text before ,,as i couldnt belive it and i was the quickest way for me to get in touch with them...but i seen her at the funeral aslo and gave my condolences

Micky Dolenz

Astrid Grumpy Hash wrote: »

They mightn't be able to attend. Work commitments, could be out of the country etc.

Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

A nice card would be my approach or a call to their voice mail with a "Sorry to hear about your loss, if there is anything I can do, please call me. I'll ring you in a few days" etc.

tricky D

It depends on a few circumstances and the relationship. Normally I would never text condolences as it does seem impersonal imho. However last year a friends wife died, not expectedly, and we had seen him heading off to the hospital with the daughter driving which was unusual. When we got confirmation an hour later, shortly after, I just sent a very brief text just expressing my sorrow - 3/4 words only. This was apt, certainly more apt than a phone at that time, and much appreciated at the time and we both still have not deleted the text. Later though, I'd be most comfortable with face to face. That's just me and there's no black or white, right or wrong in general as circumstances and relationships vary.

Mint Sauce

Dudess wrote: »

Why? God, the person might mean really well.
That attitude is obnoxious.

Why, something like 'sorry to hear about your gran/aunt/cousin' in a txt shows no thought or sinceraty, and its just lazy.

At least offer to come out and see me, or ring, or say you'll be in contact in some way.

ballsymchugh

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

that's a retarded thing to say. so friendship all depends on being able to attend a funeral?? even if they've emigrated to the other side of the world??

dark_shadow

I wouldn't text someone myself but if I REALLY had to I would definitely explain in a text why I couldn't ring/meet them etc.

Some thought is better than no thought at all:)

4zn76tysfajdxp

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Not exactly a good mate then. I suspect they couldn't care less if they got a text from you or not. But if people need to ease their own conscious then I suppose it is acceptable.

A nice card would be my approach or a call to their voice mail with a "Sorry to hear about your loss, if there is anything I can do, please call me. I'll ring you in a few days" etc.

In fairness, these day even bessie mates have been seperated from each other because of emigration. It's not possible for an increasing amount of people to console their closest friends personally anymore.

Micky Dolenz

ballsymchugh wrote: »

that's a retarded thing to say. so friendship all depends on being able to attend a funeral?? even if they've emigrated to the other side of the world??

Retarded? Read the title of the thread, with that in mind, read the words of posts in context. I can use pictures if it'll help you.

Of course sometimes you can't make a funeral, but this wouldn't stop a person ringing a mate if they lost someone. Under no circumstances would I text a friend who lost a loved one. If I was to consider texting someone they clearly would not be a mate and wouldn't expect a text from me.

hondasam

ballsymchugh wrote: »

that's a retarded thing to say. so friendship all depends on being able to attend a funeral?? even if they've emigrated to the other side of the world??

I have travelled home to Ireland for a friends funeral in the past. I know other's who have done the same.

CarrickMcJoe

So eventually the grieving family members could just leave their IPhones in a row beside the corpse going beep beep beep all friggin night.
No need for wakes!
Call in person or a card imo.

Micky Dolenz

Astrid Grumpy Hash wrote: »

In fairness, these day even bessie mates have been seperated from each other because of emigration. It's not possible for an increasing amount of people to console their closest friends personally anymore.

Pretty sure they have phones in most parts of the world by now.

Would you text a mate who lost someone or ring them?

candlegrease

irish-stew wrote: »

The day I recieve a condolance via txt or FB, or any other social media, not only would I be insulted, I would also possibly defriend you. Write or call, or dont bother at all.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTXeMYRQkW_eQ09ka_sz_SPreqkdfUXyTPpzsV35DyBYdEfePRP

TBH with that attitude I don't think you'll have to worry about having too many friends to be defriending.

It's "condolence" and "receive" BTW.

I went ahead and sent the text anyway, and it was well received, insofar as these things can be "well received".

hondasam

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Pretty sure they have phones in most parts of the world by now.

Would you text a mate who lost someone or ring them?

Some people are no good in these situations, txt is the easy way for them to say sorry for you loss and I'm thinking of you.
Some of us are good with funerals, others hate them.

phasers

The way I look at it is a text is exactly the same as a card in theory, just without the stupid picture and pre-printed poem. You write the same thing on it so why is one considered so much better?

Unless I got "sry 4 ur lss xxx", then the sender is getting kickpunched.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Pretty sure they have phones in most parts of the world by now.

Would you text a mate who lost someone or ring them?

Probably ring them, if I had credit.

ballsymchugh

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Retarded? Read the title of the thread, with that in mind, read the words of posts in context. I can use pictures if it'll help you.

Of course sometimes you can't make a funeral, but this wouldn't stop a person ringing a mate if they lost someone. Under no circumstances would I text a friend who lost a loved one. If I was to consider texting someone they clearly would not be a mate and wouldn't expect a text from me.

you said that someone who couldn't attend the funeral of a friend's family member wasn't exactly a good mate, and yes, that is a ridiculous thing to say.

hondasam wrote: »

I have travelled home to Ireland for a friends funeral in the past. I know other's who have done the same.

so have i. but then again i'm in the uk, so it's no big deal for me. but irish funerals are done and dusted in a couple of days, and it just may not be possible for someone far away to get off work and fly home. that doesn't mean they're one bit less of a friend.

Micky Dolenz

candlegrease wrote: »

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTXeMYRQkW_eQ09ka_sz_SPreqkdfUXyTPpzsV35DyBYdEfePRP

TBH with that attitude I don't think you'll have to worry about having too many friends to be defriending.

It's "condolence" and "receive" BTW.

I went ahead and sent the text anyway, and it was well received, insofar as these things can be "well received".

What are you, the spelling police?

Diabhal Beag

A text as a form of condolence is at least something but should only be used if there's no other form of contact possible really.

candlegrease

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

What are you, the spelling police?

Usually I leave it to the built-in spellchecker but sometimes in special cases reinforcements are required, so I'm the backup.

hondasam

[QUOTE=ballsymchugh;76548984

so have i. but then again i'm in the uk, so it's no big deal for me. but irish funerals are done and dusted in a couple of days, and it just may not be possible for someone far away to get off work and fly home. that doesn't mean they're one bit less of a friend.

Yes this is understandable,there are funerals you cannot attend.
I don't think Micky meant it the way you are taking it up tbh.

Jaxxy

ballsymchugh wrote: »

biko wrote: »

I'd say it's better to wait until you meet the person next time and then convey your condolences rather than texting, which I would personally find a bit insulting.
Even if it's months later it's better to do these things in person. Imo.

this +1,000,000

I think that depends on the situation. A friend of mine lost her mam last year and the first time a lot of her wider circle of friends saw her was a month or so later when we were all out for a birthday party. A dozen or so people offering their condolences had her in tears and she left after less than an hour. Very unfair IMO. She just wanted to go out and have some downtime after a few difficult weeks of mourning. She'd have appreciated a text at the time more than having to deal with that.

AudreyHepburn

The way I see it is the last thing you'd want when you've just lost your loved one is dozens of phonecalls, as well intentioned as they might be.

A text is fine, as long as you do call to see the person at some point and/or go to the funeral.

Although it is probably best to judge it by the person you are sending it to....I know some people who would appreciate that you were thinking of them and others who would rather hear your voice and/or see you.

ballsymchugh

Jaxxy wrote: »

I think that depends on the situation. A friend of mine lost her mam last year and the first time a lot of her wider circle of friends saw her was a month or so later when we were all out for a birthday party. A dozen or so people offering their condolences had her in tears and she left after less than an hour. Very unfair IMO. She just wanted to go out and have some downtime after a few difficult weeks of mourning. She'd have appreciated a text at the time more than having to deal with that.

as with everything though, there's a time and a place. that was unfair on your friend, i agree. when i was in a similar situation i had people call to the house weeks/months after who couldn't make the funeral, but some friends who i met out socialising knew when it was appropriate to say something to me or not.
i honestly can't say any of them got it wrong, and i appreciated every last one.

44leto

I HRD UR DA DIED

SOZ

stupidusername

I think maybe this could be viewed in terms of the times we live in. I mean, would there maybe have been a time that sending someone a card instead of calling around would've been considered as big a deal as texting is to some on here? if texts were only ever used when people were in a rush, or for a negative purpose, then yes it'd be a bad thing, but people text all the time. people text whole conversations. I hate phone calls (and I know a few people that do) and would rather texts.

the same people that are saying it'd be so wrong to text instead... my guess would be that you're not big texters anyway?

I got a couple of texts from college friends when my mam died (my boyfriend had told them), and I didn't mind. I certainly didn't want to get a phone call just for them to say that. they asked if they could come down to the funeral and I asked that they didn't, because it would've been a major ordeal for me to have to direct them where to go and then worry about putting them up for the night etc.

Mint Sauce

candlegrease wrote: »

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTXeMYRQkW_eQ09ka_sz_SPreqkdfUXyTPpzsV35DyBYdEfePRP

TBH with that attitude I don't think you'll have to worry about having too many friends to be defriending.

It's "condolence" and "receive" BTW.

I went ahead and sent the text anyway, and it was well received, insofar as these things can be "well received".

You still knew what I was saying though.

hondasam

44leto wrote: »

I HRD UR DA DIED

SOZ

I think it's younger people who txt anyway and it's acceptable.

I always think funerals are over done in Ireland. I hate the funeral home, should be done away with completely.

Truley

I have absolutely no problem with people sending text messages in fact I think they can be better, especially if you don't know the person that well so don't feel comfortable visiting the house or making a long call. The bereaved person is going to have enough calls and visitors to deal with in the aftermath of a death. The worst thing you can do is say or do nothing. Most people shouldn't feel insulted by a text message.

bijapos

I think it depends on the situation, but I dont regard it as insensitive.

My mother died a couple of years ago of cancer, she went very quick at the end, we only knew a day beforehand that she was on the way out. The evening she died myself and my siblings rang a few relatives and close friends of hers to tell them personally. After that I sent a general text to maybe 40 friends and colleagues. A couple of my closest friends rang back, the rest texted. I was in no way insulted, I was grateful for their thanks, but I would not have wanted to speak to a lot of people that night anyway and so I regarded the text as being quite acceptable.

Most of them showed up at the wake, removals, funeral or the months mind mass, those that couldnt come all sent a card or letter, or rang in the weeks after the funeral with their condolences and to me this is fine and perfectly acceptable.

I come from a very rural area, my mother was well known, and although she was sick for a while her death still came as a shock and at the time it was still hard to believe she was gone. In the hours after her death there a surprising amount to organise, with the wake in the house, funeral arrangements and so on, so I was quite happy to get texts rather than speak to dozens of people in those days. I knew people were thinking of her and us and thats what mattered to me.

I saved all the texts and letters (I dont use social media), I've flicked through them the odd time and its comforting. I accept it as a new form of communication, there is a generation growing up for whom texting is a perfectly normal way to communicate and I guess we have to accept it.

I should point out that all the texts were written "long hand", I guess if I got one in txt spk I would have regarded it as insensitive, but apart from that it was fine with me.

AudreyHepburn

hondasam wrote: »

I think it's younger people who txt anyway and it's acceptable.

I always think funerals are over done in Ireland. I hate the funeral home, should be done away with completely.

In a condolance text though?

It's one thing to text speak your mates but if you are offering your sympathies you make an effort and put a little thought into it. Age is irrelevent.

geetar

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

In a condolance text though?

It's one thing to text speak your mates but if you are offering your sympathies you make an effort and put a little thought into it. Age is irrelevent.

no, absolutely not.


when my grandad died i really appreciated the texts i got. i was in no mood to talk to people, so to be able to communicate with them via texting made it much easier.

unless its family, i see no need to ring people. they most likely dont want to talk to anyone nor would they have the time to.

hondasam

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

In a condolance text though?

It's one thing to text speak your mates but if you are offering your sympathies you make an effort and put a little thought into it. Age is irrelevent.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal,if they are good friends they will understand.
I do think age is relevant, younger people are not able to deal with funerals the same as older people.
Some of them might never have attended a funeral and would not know how or what to do.

ballsymchugh

bijapos wrote: »

I think it depends on the situation, but I dont regard it as insensitive.

My mother died a couple of years ago of cancer, she went very quick at the end, we only knew a day beforehand that she was on the way out. The evening she died myself and my siblings rang a few relatives and close friends of hers to tell them personally. After that I sent a general text to maybe 40 friends and colleagues. A couple of my closest friends rang back, the rest texted. I was in no way insulted, I was grateful for their thanks, but I would not have wanted to speak to a lot of people that night anyway and so I regarded the text as being quite acceptable.

Most of them showed up at the wake, removals, funeral or the months mind mass, those that couldnt come all sent a card or letter, or rang in the weeks after the funeral with their condolences and to me this is fine and perfectly acceptable.

I come from a very rural area, my mother was well known, and although she was sick for a while her death still came as a shock and at the time it was still hard to believe she was gone. In the hours after her death there a surprising amount to organise, with the wake in the house, funeral arrangements and so on, so I was quite happy to get texts rather than speak to dozens of people in those days. I knew people were thinking of her and us and thats what mattered to me.

I saved all the texts and letters (I dont use social media), I've flicked through them the odd time and its comforting. I accept it as a new form of communication, there is a generation growing up for whom texting is a perfectly normal way to communicate and I guess we have to accept it.

I should point out that all the texts were written "long hand", I guess if I got one in txt spk I would have regarded it as insensitive, but apart from that it was fine with me.

my father died before everyone had a mobile phone. but kinda like you, i think all the cards that we got are still at home. there's even a telegram or two thrown into the mix!

44leto

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

In a condolance text though?

It's one thing to text speak your mates but if you are offering your sympathies you make an effort and put a little thought into it. Age is irrelevent.

Its their language and that is how they text each other, I wouldn't dream of it, but I am of a different generation, so I kind of agree with HSam

Dudess

irish-stew wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

Why? God, the person might mean really well.
That attitude is obnoxious.

Why, something like 'sorry to hear about your gran/aunt/cousin' in a txt shows no thought or sinceraty, and its just lazy.

At least offer to come out and see me, or ring, or say you'll be in contact in some way.

Sorry for being snappy towards you but I really think it would be fairer to consider each individual text and the person who sent it. If it were a close friend, fair enough to take exception to it, but someone you know but not that well?

LH Pathe

I dunno man, condolences is such a formal word

toexpress

Not something to be done by text, tacky and common without a doubt!

In fact I will take it further, texting is fine, it's not for me but I don't object to others doing it. If they want a response from me then they have to call but serious things can't be done by text. It always seems a bit juvenile to me

Dudess

It's just a form of communication, thas all...

Micky Dolenz

Dudess wrote: »

It's just a form of communication, thas all...

How would you feel if a lover dumped you by text or an employer sacked you by text?

Fluorescence

When someone close to me died last year I got condolences by text, by facebook (PMs as opposed to publicly on my wall), by letters and by mass card. People who know me know I absolutely detest phone calls at the best of times let alone when I'm grieving. To impose yourself on someone in mourning by phoning them is less tactful than a nicely worded text.

If you're insulted by a text you're being a bit smug, tbh.

hondasam

What is the difference between sending a txt at the time or a mass card a few days later?
If you cannot communicate in person does it matter how you let someone know you are thinking about them.

toexpress

fluorescence wrote: »

If you're insulted by a text you're being a bit smug, tbh.

When my partner died, if someone had sent me a text I would have deleted it along with their number. That's not smugness but if that was the value they put on his life then we would be at no loss for them. If I didn't want to take a phone call there was always some member of my family or his there to deal with it for me and even if there hadn't been I have voicemail.

chin_grin

"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."

toexpress

chin_grin wrote: »

"I'm sorry for your loss. Move on."

Charming there it has to be said. Full of feeling

woodoo

Not on at all. I think its lazy and emotionally cheap.

later12

Absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm sure we've all had reasonably close relatives die, and the last thing you need is an endless string of phonecalls when a text would have sufficed.

Just express your sympathy and tell them you will see them on a certain day (removal or funeral or burial if possible, so they know you're not being passive about it)

A certain functional duty tends to kick in during the aftermath of a death. I remember when my Grandma died my Dad's first concern was whether there would be room in the grave for another burial, which sounds terribly morbid but it's just the way many people instantly react. You're usually just 'reacting' very functionally in the immediate aftermath, your friend may well have no time to analyze your behaviour toward her.

Be there for him or her in the days and weeks after the funeral, because that's when the death of a loved one really begins to sink; when the crowd leaves is when your support is most important.

twirlagig

I lost a close family member 2 years ago - My phone was ringing non-stop at the time. I just didn't feel like answering, I didn't feel like reading the texts that followed either, but after a few days I was glad to read them. Just depends on the circumstances I guess. I didn't think bad of the people that texted me.

Fighting Irish

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

Its not fine, if you cant be arsed ringing then just dont. It is terrible thing to do by text just says you dont really care.

Sorta depends on the person, i'd prefer a text over any other sort of communication in a case like this