Headstone wording causing family feud

Greystoner

Does anyone know the criteria for names on a headstone?

My Mother and Father (divorced) want totally different things. My Dad wants the simple, traditional wording 'Beloved son...' etc, but my Mum wants to mention all our names including the step father (who only married my Mum when the youngest of us, now deceased was 27, so was never a 'father' figure!).

Sticking point is that my Dad doesn't want the step father bit, and myself and sibling don't feel it is necessary to mention our names as we know who we are.

Myself and sibling are refusing to sign either of our parents' 'approval forms' and feel that this is not going to get resolved. It is causing so much stress on top of the bereavement.

Has anyone else experienced this and how was it resolved (or not)I have had enough of it all.It is the only grave in the church yard without a headstone and looks a mess, like he wasn't loved or something.

washiskin

TBH, I've never seen a headstone with the names of the living family mentioned on it, I've seen little plaques on the actual grave with family messages though and this might be a compromise.
As for not having a stone yet, people won't be thinking you don't love him - we left my Dad's grave marked with a simple wooden cross until we found the right stone (about 12 months). When we did, we got the standard details "In Loving Memory Of XXXXX XXXXX, First line of the Address and the date he passed. Then we put his favourite motto on it, so that the people who really loved & knew him got a kick out of it and smiled when they went to visit him.
I hope it gets resolved for you all.

banie01

1st off my condolences on your loss and subsequent problems

I had a similar issue when my partner died, sorted it with Here lies XXX XXXX, Beloved Mother, Daughter, Sister, Partner and Friend....
It covered all the bases and avoided friction.
The headstone can often be a point of contention for families

The important thing I learned is that it is a reminder and a token of the person you've lost...
Not a place to compete with regard to who's lost more or to name every person affected by the loss.
Your Dad seems to understand this quite well and I'd agree with his intent.
As for the Stepfather bit(While Bizarre) would also be addressed by the beloved son/daughter in all fairness(Who marries and then differentiates step children after all?)

I hope your problem is resolved amicably and quicky....Ye've been through enough without the ensuing conflict an issue like this can raise.

Greystoner

Thanks.

I am all for the simple wording myself; I feel there is no need to name people, and that the general 'son' could be interpreted by the 'step-father' as he wishes, without offending my Dad. At the end of the day though, my input has been ignored and it is up to my Mum and Dad to reach an agreement and it is not happening.Tbh, my brother wasn't even that fond of the 'step-father' and this man has only ever been referred to as a 'step-father' by my mum since the death of my brother.(Family politics, sigh...parents divorced about 20 years ago and still fighting!!)

It's just that it is heading on for 17 months since the burial and there is no sign of compromise. I am at my wits end and keep thinking my brother would be 'turning in his grave' if he knew all this was going on!I feel that it will never be resolved and there will be no headstone until both my parents have died and myself and my other brother decide on a simple stone.So sad about this.

Mental Mickey

OP, have you sat down face to face with them and told them out straight how you feel?

Greystoner

Mental Mickey wrote: »

OP, have you sat down face to face with them and told them out straight how you feel?

Yes. No use came of it!! Now parents are just exchanging letters full of bitterness (for the past that they wont let go of) and it is just plain nasty and terrible communication. My OH tried to mediate, but that didn't work either! I am at a loss.

Taltos

OP - as above I am sorry for your loss.
I also have never seen names listed out. Traditionally the only name is that of the deceased with the family mentioned either as family or using the terms above.

I don't think this is a battle you are going to win easily.
It might be an idea to try just once more speaking to them both separately - maybe with a 3rd party if that would help to encourage them to behave - maybe the priest who performed the funeral mass...

Sorry.

Daisy M

Can you approach the person who would be making and engraving the headstone and enquire that should ye all agree to have a headstone erected with your only your brothers name that at a later date another inscription could be added if so agreed. It may cost extra but it can be done and in the mean time at least there would be a headstone.

I am so sorry that you are caught in such a terrible position and that you feel you are letting your brother down. Try not to be worried about what other people think about there been no headstone. I doubt anyone else passes much heed and if they do it doesnt say a lot about them.

Oryx

Your parents are grieving and this bickering is maybe their fall back position with each other because of their past. When things get tough, they blame each other and fight. Not a lot you can do about that, its too long a habit to change.

What you could suggest is that you get them to contribute enough to do the finishing of the grave itself, with a border and chippings, so it does not look neglected. You can then place your own individual marker (as mentioned above) and let them bicker it out till the end of their days.

And remember above all that the grave is just a marker, just a place. Its not your brother and it does not show the level of love you felt for him, because that is in your heart.

Tombo2000

Hi there

Condolences about your brother.

My youngest brother died ten years ago this year; and like you described, i found all the 'stuff' you have to deal with extremely stressful and to some extent unnecessary. All the hoopla of the funeral, the months mind and all that stuff I just hated it. Personally I'm not really religious myself, so it meant nothing to me except work and stress at a time when I least needed it. We went through a similar thing with huge family rows mostly centred around tension between my parents, and sibling v parents. Ten years on I can say that things have calmed down considerably between us, and I am mighty relieved at that, and I hope the same happens in your case. It knocks the stuffing out of everyone, there is no doubting it.

In my view it would be way over the top to have all the names listed out. However the way I would view it and would pitch it is what would your brother want. Which is fair enough as at the end of the day its his head stone.
In our own case, we just had his name, the year he was born, the year he died and a message 'Greatly loved and greatly missed'. Its a nice headstone, its simple and elegant.

Extra Minty

Sorry to hear you are going through all this. I don't mean to sound morbid but will anybody else (in the long and distant future) be using the same grave at any stage. You could maybe point out that if they were already named on the headstone as missing your brother it would look a bit strange if they ever had to be added to it. I know I am phrasing this all wrong but I hope you get what I am trying to say and that no offence is meant.

Reesy

Hi,

Sorry for your loss, and for the pain this is calling you.

Could you ask the priest or the funeral director (if either is at all close to the parents) to mediate? It sounds like the parents are using the headstone as a football in their dispute. Shocking.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really don't want to cause you any more pain or upset but to be honest the words "toxic parents" spring to mind. Parents are supposed to want what's best for their kids and they are ignoring you and your siblings grief in a pathetic effort to wind each other up and score points, it's a bit sickening. If I were you I'd just avoid them at all costs until they cut it out. In the meantime could you just get an inexpensive wooden cross that just says "beloved brother" for his grave, maybe that would shame them into realising how selfish they're being? I really hope if gets resolved for you guys soon, you have enough to deal with in grief without your parents acting like misbehaving 3 year olds.

Best of luck.

DrivingMad

Hi Greystoner,

It must be so hard for you to be going through all of this on top of the loss of your brother.
When I was visiting my dads grave the other day, funny enough you came to mind.
There were a couple of graves that had a very basic inscription on them i.e. name d.o.b. - d.o.d. then added to the grave on seperate marble stones/slabs were more personal messages from family members.
These can be added, moved or removed as required and can have any inscription on them.
Would this be of any help towards resolving the situation?

I hope you reach a peacefull solution soon.
x