Brother wont talk to father? Ripping me and the rest of the family up!

LegacyUser

My brother wont talk to my father. Its been around 8 years now since something happened with my brother when we were kids and he cant get over it.I know what it was and it was bad but my father has paid a serious price for it by my brother not talking to him,he hasn't seen or talk to him in years,and its killing him. Anytime anybody tries to talk to my brother about it he gets extremely angry and says that he didn't choose for it to be this way. However he's the only one who can change things. We all understand that my brother feels hurt but its ripped the family apart. My brothers been in a different country for the past year so its given everybody a chance to breath but he's coming home again soon, and i really don't know if anybody in the family can handle it. I'm his sister and the closest one to my brother and i wanna have a civil conversation with him about it but i don't know how to go about it. Does anyone here have any experience of doing this successfully? or has been in my brothers shoes so i know what not to say as it like a mine field when trying to talk to him about this. Any help would be appreciated.

My biggest fear is that if my brother keeps trying to ignore this that one day his father will be dead without talking to him and my brother will never forgive himself,because i think deep down he knows that his dad doesn't deserve this but its been going on for so long he cant face it. I would try to let it run its course and hope for the best but I can see my brothers in pain over all of this as well

Beruthiel

gluck wrote: »

I know what it was and it was bad

It is very difficult to give advice with so little detail.
There are some things that can be forgiven and there are some that are just too unforgivable to ever get past.
Which one of the above are we talking about here?

Ironmaiden11

Just let him be. It's his choice. Maybe he feels or knows things about your father that you don't. Concentrate on your own relationships with both. This is not uncommon and not always a bad thing to occur. It's 100% his choice.

username123

Ironmaiden11 wrote: »

Just let him be. It's his choice. Maybe he feels or knows things about your father that you don't. Concentrate on your own relationships with both. This is not uncommon and not always a bad thing to occur. It's 100% his choice.

+1.

Leave your brothers relationship with your father alone - its not your business.

Miaireland

Really it is your brothers choice, you may not agree with it but you may just have to accept it.

You may or may not know the entire story. Be careful not to put too much pressure on your brother as you may drive him away from you too.

If you dowant to talk to him about it maybe put your feelings in a letter. Then he has the choice to discuss it or not.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you feel the need to talk to him about it? It's been 8 years.. he's made his position clear. I think the family should take a step back from it, and stop letting it "rip you and the rest of the family up". The more you go on about it, the more you risk alienating your brother.

I would talk to the rest of the family and tell them to drop it. Your brother is going to be home, don't make it a miserable time for him by having everyone going on at him.... again.

Your dad did something bad, that your brother can't forgive... that's his choice. And everyone going on about your dad being the victim, isn't going to help matters.

Has your father tried contacting him himself to sincerely apologise for what happened? It's between your brother and your dad. They are the only ones who can sort it out. If one of those doesn't want to sort it out, then it can't be resolved.

Pebbles68

Hi Op, I'm afraid i have to agree with the other posters. The issue is between your brother and dad. Trying to force your brother is only going to make him dig his heels in deeper. He's clearly still hurt by what your dad did and not interested in meeting. You don't want to damage your own relationship with your brother by constantly bringing up the subject.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't agree with the other posters. I have an aunt like your brother. She stopped speaking to my grandfather at age 14 because he slapped her across the face. Yeah I know it's a horrible thing to do but he died at age 85 and she still hadn't talked to him. She sobbed at his funeral and I think it's because she realised she had gone way too far. Whatever your father did, has he apologised for it? If not, have you asked him to? My grandad did apologise but if didn't work, my aunt is an EXTREMELY bitter woman and I think that was the start of it, she learned to nurse and hold onto grudges but in the end only hurts herself and her family as she's a f*cking nightmare to be around, does nothing but bitch and moan. Anyways I would second the suggestion that you write him a letter, saying that you love him very much but you love your dad too and that you know your dad is sorry (if he is) and if there was anyway your brother could forgive him then your whole family would be over the moon.

Best of luck OP, I hope it works out for you.

The Lovely Muffin

I agree with others OP, you shouldn't interfere in what goes on between your brother and father.

As horrible as it is that they aren't speak, it is your brother choice not to speak to or have anything to do with your father.

You shouldn't try to force your brother or father to engage with each other if it's not what they want.

Back off and let your brother get on with his life, and stop trying to interfere, it won't do your relationship with your brother any good.