Badly behaved children

qwertytlk

Hi all,
i am astounded at some childrens bad attitudes. For example my nephew (partners sisters child) is 7 and as long as iv known him (4 yrs) he has been a cheeky, rude and frankly horrible child. My partner also thinks this. For example he will come over and kick my partner as hard as he can in the shins and really hurt him or will hint for money etc by coming down to the table and putting his little purse out and counting his money saying 'look uncle pat, i have 23euro,how much do you have' and go on and on, then my parter will take out 20 euro with the intention of giving him 10 and the kid will be visablly pissed off he didnt get the 20 and not even say thanks. He wll also call people rude names when his parents arent listening(and im not talking about silly names but rather disgusting swear words like you f-ing c**t which imo is DISGUSTING) I know other children who are the same or similar, albeit not as bad, and i so dont want my son to be like this. I know in some extreme cases there can be something wrong with the child such as adhd or similar but alot of the time i know thats not the case. So then you wonder why are they like this. In most cases the parents seem normal, educated and nice people. So is it just the way things are in this day and age, that children are often spoiled, not consistently disciplined, or is it the ifluence of tv or computer games etc or somethng else entirely such as other enviornmental factors?
I have just had a baby, hes 7 months now so i know it may be a little premature to be thinking of these things but myself and my patner have been talking tonight and on previous occasions and were both saying how its so important to us(obviously)that our son is well brought up with good manners and a decent attitude. But how do you ensure this? I mean how do we do things better or differently than other parents of badly behaved children when 90% of the time i personally cant see that these parents are specifically doing anything 'wrong'? Is it normal for children to have serious temper tantrums where they throw themselves on the ground in the shops and scream, kick and cry? Or is that a sign of bad parenting or some other issue?
I know kids will be kids and boys (some anyway) can be a litle rough etc and all this is fine but i just wonder when the behaviour of many children i see out and about, or that i know personally, seems a bit out f control why this is happening and how do i prevent this? As im sure 99% of parents only want the best for their children and strive to bring them up well behaved and good mannered but for some it just doesnt happen. So im just wondering what peoples opinions and views are? Or if they have any theories, advice or words of wisdom?! Thanks
btw, i just want to say that obviously i know kids need boundaries, consistent discipline, praise, encouragement and love and i will strive to be a good example for my child...although i dont claim to be perfect in any way and i realise other people arent either so i hope my post didnt sound judgemental, its just kind of mind boggling when you see people who seem to be doing the right things but its all going wrong for them. So this then brings me to think is ther some other factors at play, as iv outlined in my thread.

superslimme

"
he has been a cheeky, rude and frankly horrible child"

What a horrible thing to say about a child, give a child a label and you know what? They’ll live up to it!

"I know in some extreme cases there can be something wrong with the child such as adhd or similar but allot of the time I know that’s not the case.”

So you have research and statistics to back this up I presume as you are so sure?


I have worked with children and parents for the past 10 years and your attitude is appalling and biased. You have obliviously no idea why this child or other "badly behaved children" do not meet to your high standards. Parenting is not an easy job; you don't get a handbook at birth on how to have the perfect child. In my experience the problem more often than not, does not rest with the child, it's with the adults and I'm not just talking about the parents. How dare you sit up on your moral high horse? In your quest to have the perfect child here are some words you may want to look up; INCLUSION, ACCEPTANCE , UNDERSTANDING and I hope that your child does not come across people as narrow minded as you!

superslimme

superslimme wrote: »

"
hope that your child does not come across people as narrow minded as you!]

So because she doesn't want her kid to be a little brat and wants to do everything in her power to ensure her child has good manners, she is narrow minded? Bullsh*t.

OP, I know the type of child you speak of. It's awful to dislike a child but sometimes it's very difficult not to. It is down to discipline and not spoiling your child. Being able to say no, being able to follow through on threats (and IMO, never ever use violence, smacking etc, but that's a whole other debate!). Just continue to always teach manners, and 7 months is certainly not to early to start, just please and thank you all the time for now, the rest will come. Best of luck

Joe10000

superslimme wrote: »

"
he has been a cheeky, rude and frankly horrible child"

What a horrible thing to say about a child, give a child a label and you know what? They’ll live up to it!

"I know in some extreme cases there can be something wrong with the child such as adhd or similar but allot of the time I know that’s not the case.”

So you have research and statistics to back this up I presume as you are so sure?


I have worked with children and parents for the past 10 years and your attitude is appalling and biased. You have obliviously no idea why this child or other "badly behaved children" do not meet to your high standards. Parenting is not an easy job; you don't get a handbook at birth on how to have the perfect child. In my experience the problem more often than not, does not rest with the child, it's with the adults and I'm not just talking about the parents. How dare you sit up on your moral high horse? In your quest to have the perfect child here are some words you may want to look up; INCLUSION, ACCEPTANCE , UNDERSTANDING and I hope that your child does not come across people as narrow minded as you!

One of the most judgemental replies I have ever read on boards.

OP I think your post is perfectly reasonable and if you follow your instincts with your child I'm sure he will be a great kid.

Ironman76

superslimme wrote: »

"
he has been a cheeky, rude and frankly horrible child"

What a horrible thing to say about a child, give a child a label and you know what? They’ll live up to it!

"I know in some extreme cases there can be something wrong with the child such as adhd or similar but allot of the time I know that’s not the case.”

So you have research and statistics to back this up I presume as you are so sure?


I have worked with children and parents for the past 10 years and your attitude is appalling and biased. You have obliviously no idea why this child or other "badly behaved children" do not meet to your high standards. Parenting is not an easy job; you don't get a handbook at birth on how to have the perfect child. In my experience the problem more often than not, does not rest with the child, it's with the adults and I'm not just talking about the parents. How dare you sit up on your moral high horse? In your quest to have the perfect child here are some words you may want to look up; INCLUSION, ACCEPTANCE , UNDERSTANDING and I hope that your child does not come across people as narrow minded as you!

Thank Christ you never became a judge . .

How Strange

superslimme, the op has asked the question many new parents ask themselves. I remember crying hysterically to an episode of supernanny when I was pregnant. It was on early one Sunday morning and my husband thought I'd gone crazy.

Op I think children aren't bold or naughty or rude etc by nature but the majority of times it comes down to parenting. The loveliest children I know have parents who are communicative, give them lots of time and attention but set clear boundaries and are consistent in their own behaviour. Children are constantly testing the boundaries and it's up to the parents to remind them if where they are.

Toddlers throw tantrums and it's not a sign of bold behaviour but of frustration because a toddler wants everything. It's a way of communicating their frustration. My almost one year old has started throwing tantrums do it starts early!

I really like David Colemans style of parenting. It's quite gentle and shows parents that's their behaviour ultimately influences their children's.

The Princess Bride

OP- I think it is very easy to ensure your child is well brought up and kind,mannerly etc....until they reach school going age and start mixing.
I remember people always complimenting me on my 3 being friendly and having perfect manners,made me feel very proud.

Then I noticed bad habits slowly creeping in after school, manners slipping,occasional inappropriate word- and you'll hear the "oh so and so said such and such".

The best way to deal with this,imo,is to say,quite simply,we don't do that/say that here-it's not nice ;as opposed to saying so and so isn't nice.
You can repeat constantly what's right and wrong/not nice, but unfortunately,as we all know in "real life" not everyone is well behaved.

As for your partner's nephew-if that behaviour is tolerated,it will continue.
(I'd be hiding my wallet!)
Enjoy your baby!

Frank Black

qwertytlk wrote: »

or will hint for money etc by coming down to the table and putting his little purse out and counting his money saying 'look uncle pat, i have 23euro,how much do you have' and go on and on, then my parter will take out 20 euro with the intention of giving him 10 and the kid will be visablly pissed off he didnt get the 20 and not even say thanks.

This is the bit I didn't get - why would you give a seven year old €10?

Especially if he's as rude and ungrateful as you say - I've nieces and nephews, I couldn't imagine just pulling out €10 and saying 'there you go', and mine are all really nice kids.

Sleepy

Setting a good example for them and teaching them which actions are unacceptable through normal discipline. Was shocked recently when my 3 year old said thank you in a shop and the lady commented that it was lovely to hear a child say 'thank you' without having to be prompted. Rory got ice-cream that afternoon whilst I despaired of modern society!

How Strange

How Strange wrote: »

parents that's their behaviour ultimately influences their children's.

Never a truer word spoken

msthe80s wrote: »

The best way to deal with this,imo,is to say,quite simply,we don't do that/say that here-it's not nice ;as opposed to saying so and so isn't nice.

Totally agree. They are hearing these words somewhere so I think it's wrong to get angry with them for simply repeating them. I think ignoring them saying it in the early days is good as they don't even know what the word is and telling them it's bad only draws attention to it, but if it becomes more frequent or they're using it in the right context(!) then it's time to say that's not a nice word but in a sort of a gentle/educating way rather than a scolding way. This is the way I've always approached it and it has worked so far (time will tell if it's worked long term!!!)

I swear sometimes, but if I do it in front of my daughter (who is 7), I just say, "sorry honey, I shouldn't have said that, it's not nice" and she just goes, "that's ok mum" and we move on.

I think it's easy enough to fall into the "ah they're just kids being kids" trap and while that is true for a lot of things, continuous bad behaviour shouldn't be one of them.

si_guru

OP - I'm with you!

My neighbours kids are allowed to play football in the house and sit on the bonnet of their mum's car... for some reason they can't understand why I don't let them do it it in my house when they visit my kids..!

January

Ironman76 wrote: »

Thank Christ you never became a judge . .

Attack the post, not the poster.

LittleBook

qwertytlk wrote: »

he will come over and kick my partner as hard as he can in the shins and really hurt him or will hint for money etc by coming down to the table and putting his little purse out and counting his money saying 'look uncle pat, i have 23euro,how much do you have' and go on and on, then my parter will take out 20 euro with the intention of giving him 10 and the kid will be visablly pissed off he didnt get the 20 and not even say thanks.

black francis wrote: »

This is the bit I didn't get - why would you give a seven year old €10?

Especially if he's as rude and ungrateful as you say - I've nieces and nephews, I couldn't imagine just pulling out €10 and saying 'there you go', and mine are all really nice kids.

I can't for the life of me understand this either but it's shedding some light on why the child behaves the way he does.

qwertytlk wrote: »

In most cases the parents seem normal, educated and nice people. So is it just the way things are in this day and age, that children are often spoiled, not consistently disciplined, or is it the ifluence of tv or computer games etc or somethng else entirely such as other enviornmental factors?

To you your partner is probably normal, educated and nice but rewarding bad behaviour with tenners is a rookie mistake. I know youre partner is not responsible for raising the child but he is at least partly responsible for how the child behaves in his presence. For example:

si_guru wrote: »

My neighbours kids are allowed to play football in the house and sit on the bonnet of their mum's car... for some reason they can't understand why I don't let them do it it in my house when they visit my kids..!

The point being, children don't necessarily behave the same way in two different places. You can have some influence in the way they behave around you.

qwertytlk wrote: »

how do we do things better or differently than other parents of badly behaved children when 90% of the time i personally cant see that these parents are specifically doing anything 'wrong'? ... its just kind of mind boggling when you see people who seem to be doing the right things but its all going wrong for them.

In my experience (and mitigating factors like health problems aside) if a child is behaving badly it's down to the parents, simple as that.

There are many different schools of thought on how to raise children (and there's great advice already in this thread) and while I'm not in any hurry to criticise any parents who are genuinely doing their best, I suspect the attitude in the first reply to your post is a large part of the problem nowadays.

cynder

Each child is different!

My youngest is one of those demon children you are talking about, or should i say he was. he had a severe speech and language disorder and autistic like characteristics, so he had behavioural issues where in public he would have full blown tantrums. He couldn't talk, he could not be reasoned with (as he couldn't understand). However he is a bright delightful child and for a time if he took a liking to you the only way he could show it was by hitting you to get your attention. He has now grown out of that with 3 years of therapy. Still has a severe speech and language disorder and is in the 1st percentile which means that 99% of kids his age will do better than him in the areas of expressive speech, receptive speech and phonological speech.

To look at my son you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him and would think he was a demon child and i was the worst parent ever, no one on the outside knew or knows whats going on in my sons head and i would get disapproving looks just because he looked normal.

Understanding each child has their own thing going on and not all kids are the same otherwise they would be robots, saying : yes mam, no mam, 3 bags full mam. They each have their own personalities.

cynder

LittleBook wrote: »

In my experience (and mitigating factors like health problems aside) if a child is behaving badly it's down to the parents, simple as that.

.

So do you go up to the parent and ask them if the child has any health or mental problem or do you just assume its bad parenting?


From my experience you cant see if a child has C.F or Diabetes or mental health issues, Autism, adhd, behavioural difficulties and also behavioural issues relating to other issues like learning difficulties, sleep apnea and Speech and language disorders. They dont wear a big sign over there head saying Special Needs!

They look like normal everyday kids, but the way they act can be somewhat different.

gizmorox

qwertytlk wrote: »

Hi all,
i am astounded at some childrens bad attitudes. For example my nephew (partners sisters child) is 7 and as long as iv known him (4 yrs) he has been a cheeky, rude and frankly horrible child. My partner also thinks this. For example he will come over and kick my partner as hard as he can in the shins and really hurt him or will hint for money etc by coming down to the table and putting his little purse out and counting his money saying 'look uncle pat, i have 23euro,how much do you have' and go on and on, then my parter will take out 20 euro with the intention of giving him 10 and the kid will be visablly pissed off he didnt get the 20 and not even say thanks. He wll also call people rude names when his parents arent listening(and im not talking about silly names but rather disgusting swear words like you f-ing c**t which imo is DISGUSTING) I know other children who are the same or similar, albeit not as bad, and i so dont want my son to be like this. I know in some extreme cases there can be something wrong with the child such as adhd or similar but alot of the time i know thats not the case. So then you wonder why are they like this. In most cases the parents seem normal, educated and nice people. So is it just the way things are in this day and age, that children are often spoiled, not consistently disciplined, or is it the ifluence of tv or computer games etc or somethng else entirely such as other enviornmental factors?
I have just had a baby, hes 7 months now so i know it may be a little premature to be thinking of these things but myself and my patner have been talking tonight and on previous occasions and were both saying how its so important to us(obviously)that our son is well brought up with good manners and a decent attitude. But how do you ensure this? I mean how do we do things better or differently than other parents of badly behaved children when 90% of the time i personally cant see that these parents are specifically doing anything 'wrong'? Is it normal for children to have serious temper tantrums where they throw themselves on the ground in the shops and scream, kick and cry? Or is that a sign of bad parenting or some other issue?
I know kids will be kids and boys (some anyway) can be a litle rough etc and all this is fine but i just wonder when the behaviour of many children i see out and about, or that i know personally, seems a bit out f control why this is happening and how do i prevent this? As im sure 99% of parents only want the best for their children and strive to bring them up well behaved and good mannered but for some it just doesnt happen. So im just wondering what peoples opinions and views are? Or if they have any theories, advice or words of wisdom?! Thanks
btw, i just want to say that obviously i know kids need boundaries, consistent discipline, praise, encouragement and love and i will strive to be a good example for my child...although i dont claim to be perfect in any way and i realise other people arent either so i hope my post didnt sound judgemental, its just kind of mind boggling when you see people who seem to be doing the right things but its all going wrong for them. So this then brings me to think is ther some other factors at play, as iv outlined in my thread.

Sounds like this child has zero behaviour guidance by his parents,as long as you constantly guide a child's behaviour by positive rewards e.g: making a nice fuss of them if they behave in the manner you expect,using time outs are fab as long as done properly and always tell your child the behaviour you expect from them,I have a childcare qualification and I'm a mother to two polite,mannerly,(usually) well behaved children. I've also completed two good parenting courses which if I ran the world;)would be mandatory,best of luck with your future parenting,the mere fact that you're concerned with this should stand you in good stead as a parent.:)

LittleBook

grindelwald wrote: »

So do you go up to the parent and ask them if the child has any health or mental problem or do you just assume its bad parenting?

What? No, of course not. "My experience" extends to the children I know, I don't presume anything about the children (or people) I don't know.

Daisy M

grindelwald wrote: »

Each child is different!

My youngest is one of those demon children you are talking about, or should i say he was. he had a severe speech and language disorder and autistic like characteristics, so he had behavioural issues where in public he would have full blown tantrums. He couldn't talk, he could not be reasoned with (as he couldn't understand). However he is a bright delightful child and for a time if he took a liking to you the only way he could show it was by hitting you to get your attention. He has now grown out of that with 3 years of therapy. Still has a severe speech and language disorder and is in the 1st percentile which means that 99% of kids his age will do better than him in the areas of expressive speech, receptive speech and phonological speech.

To look at my son you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him and would think he was a demon child and i was the worst parent ever, no one on the outside knew or knows whats going on in my sons head and i would get disapproving looks just because he looked normal.

Understanding each child has their own thing going on and not all kids are the same otherwise they would be robots, saying : yes mam, no mam, 3 bags full mam. They each have their own personalities.

grindelwald wrote: »

So do you go up to the parent and ask them if the child has any health or mental problem or do you just assume its bad parenting?


From my experience you cant see if a child has C.F or Diabetes or mental health issues, Autism, adhd, behavioural difficulties and also behavioural issues relating to other issues like learning difficulties, sleep apnea and Speech and language disorders. They dont wear a big sign over there head saying Special Needs!

They look like normal everyday kids, but the way they act can be somewhat different.

Grindalwald I understand your fustration when you read comments made about bold children your afraid people who dont know your child think that of him. Its none of their business so do not feel the need to justify yourself or your son to strangers. Your doing your best for your child and the people who matter to you know that.

I think most people here like littlebook and the op are referring to children they know and not some child they spotted while out and about. Therefore they are able to make an educated guess that the child/children in question are just spoilt. I have a neice and nephew whos parents rarely said no to them and did not teach them basic manners. They are good kids but sometimes they can be so rude and its hard to see. I feel so sorry for them because I think when children are small and acting up their age can sometimes excuse it. However now they are 11 and 8 and people are shocked at their rudeness and lack of manners, myself included. However heres the thing its not their fault its their parents but the kids are the ones been judged for it and ultimately pay the price when they dont get invited over to friends houses ect.

Big Bag of Chips

What you have to realise is while a LOT of children can be rude, cheeky.. just downright brazen, the majority of kids, in my experience, are nice well mannered kids.

All kids no matter how well behaved and how well brought up will have their "moments", but if you accept this as your child having a "bad day" (same type of thing adults are entitled to!) but keep up your own discipline techniques, or whatever, then your child will be fine.

I know people regularly comment on "children who throw a temper tantrum and throw themselves on the floor of a shop etc....", but if you think about it... most children you pass in town you don't even notice, because they are quietly going alng minding their own business!

We only notice the screaming & kicking child... purely because they stand out.

Ayla

I came across this article today and found it an interesting read:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/19/are-obedient-children-a-good-thing?fb=optOut

Some poignant quotes from this article:

Telling someone their child is obedient is (usually) meant as a compliment. But an obedient adult? Not quite so attractive is it? We have other words for that, doormat being one of them....A compliant child becomes a particular concern, Kohn admits, when they reach adolescence. "If they take their orders from other people, that may include people we may not approve of. To put it the other way around: kids who are subject to peer pressure at its worst are kids whose parents taught them to do what they're told."

This article isn't 100% relevant to the OP's point because I know she was talking about extremes in behaviour, but I thought I'd share the article here because I thought it (and the other articles linked to from it) are enlightening about how we look at & (possibly?) over-emphasize strict behaviour models on young children.

Sleepy

Very interesting theory, and probably quite relevant to us as I'm very much a "put the foot down" parent...

BengaLover

And so what if the kid did have ADHD? ADHD kids still need guidance and discipline, maybe even more so!
Undisciplined kids turn out to be self centred ignorant people with a distorted view of right and wrong.
We as a nation are far too lenient with our children I think.
Its the Irish Mammy syndrome.

qwertytlk

Thansk for all the replies, its good to see im not alone in this.
Firstly i just want to adress the point a couple of people have made about the situation i described with the kicking, then giving money. I.e rewarding bad behaviour. Well sorry, i didnt explain that properly. From my post it seems as if the two incidents happend within minutes of each other when in fact they were months apart. I was just using them as examples as they stuck out in my mind. I should have explained they both happend independantley of each other.
Secondly, in response to the first reply i got i just want to say that im sorry if my honesty offended you but i have to wonder (as it seems others posters have) why it touched such a nerve with you? I dont mean that in a condescending way but am genuinely interested why you seem to be so offended by my post?

From reading the replies another thing that came to mind was that just because i percieve people to be decent, well ediucated etc, they may be this way in my company but behind closed door could be hitting their kids for all i know so perhaps i shouldnt generalise so much.
I just want the very very best for my little boy. I love him so much that i obviously want him to have the best in life and thats not going to happen if he has a bad attitude. In all honesty i probably worry because while i was a good child, i went completly off the rails when i was a teenager and have only sorted my life out in the last few years. I went through alot of hard times and i dont want that for my son. As i said i wasa well behaved kid so i cant really see where it sll went wrong for me that i changed so drastically.
Anyway i suppose my experiences will come in useful at some stage as if anything does start to go wrong in my sons life i imagine id be able to spot it a mile off. But thats merely an observation....its probably not that easy when your actually in the situation yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't want to believe that anybody sets out to bring up a brat! I think with the best of intentions, well meaning parents sometimes get it wrong.

We all start out with "ideals", and while its nice to aim for them I think it is very very important to realise that your child is a little person. A little person with their own personality and mind. So that when your child doesn't behave exactly as you want them to, its very important to tell yourself that its not the end of the world.

As you say yourself, you went off the rails a bit. I'm sure that wasn't specifically down to parenting.. it was also to do with you being your own person, and making your own decisions.

Don't be SO sure that you will be able to spot the signs with your own son... you may well spot them, but he may not take a blind bit of notice of anything you do/say at that stage!! Did you take notice of YOUR parents?!

My husband is a teacher in a secondary school. He says across the classes the huge majority of kids are nice kids, but there are always 1 or 2 that will just cause trouble...

I'd happily take "1 or 2" instead of 20 or 25!

If you teach your child values that are important to you, he'll be ok. He won't always do or say what you want him to.... but that's normal.

Your son is 7 months... you are full of theory and ideas at the moment.. I'd love to here back from you in even 2 years time, to see how those theories and ideals are working out!

Imagine where you'll be in 14 years!!

Relax. Teach your child to be honest and mannerly, and expect that he'll never be "perfect"... then you won't go far wrong.

wolfpawnat

A lot of parents that raise these "spoilt" children often have several reasons why the children are like this. The ones I have personally noted from my own experience are;

- Both parents are not home due to both working long hours and the child not having solid care i.e. a grandparent, a full time nanny, creche, etc. I have seen 2 children, both from different families that have Au-Pairs that have changed several times in the last year. So they don't actually know what the rules of their life are as they are changing constantly.

- Parents not setting realistic boundaries. Not too strict and not too lenient is the key IMO. Certain things like manners, brushing teeth, not going near dangerous things should be strictly adhered to, but thing such as what t-shirt to wear and making a small mess when doing art should all be taken lightly. If you are too strict the child will either be a doormat as others have said, or go wild when they have less control in their lives. A child who has set rules that they know are not always changing and who know the consequences for not keeping to them would be more likely to behave as all people need stability in their life.

- Parents trying to be their child's "best friend", All parents should try to be as close as possible with their kids, but parents need to remember they're major goal is to rear children to be good people, mannerly, polite, well rounded members of society. So discipline is part of that, consequences for negative actions, the removal of a favourite toy for swearing, etc.

- When a child goes to school they will copy their peers, and it is a parents job when the behaviour they copy is negative to discipline it so to nip said issue in the bud, a parents job does to stop the day the child goes out the door to school. The mantra "Oh well, I did my best but I cannot teach him/her now, the peers will" is not a healthy one. It is more of a new challenge than an excuse to get lazy really.

As I said these are what I have noted from personal experiences.

We all know kids like this, the ones you see in Dunnes and Tesco's that you raise your eyebrows at because the parent gives in to every minute demand! 3 sorts of cereal, no to certain things solely as "I DON'T LIKE THEM" is roared at the top of a pair of lungs to humiliate you in the middle of the store. TBH I rather listen to a child have a tantrum because they are not getting their way that see a parent be controlled by a 4 year old!

My son (3 next month) knows when we got shopping he will get a treat, usually at the beginning as that is where the sweets are in the shop, he will ask for the one he wants from a pre-approved list. He will hold it going around Tesco's. If he sees something he would rather I decide whether he can have it, he goes and puts back the first option. And he patiently waits for the till and places his treat on the belt and does not get it until all items are paid and packed away. He must say please and thank you to people at all times and any tantrums in the store, and the sweets are put back on the shelf if he does not behave by the count of 3. Only once has this happened. He knows I am serious and he will not risk a packet of buttons to call my bluff! As a result most of the time he is extremely well behaved. The other percentage, well, he's only human!

qwertytlk

qwertytlk wrote: »

Anyway i suppose my experiences will come in useful at some stage as if anything does start to go wrong in my sons life i imagine id be able to spot it a mile off. But thats merely an observation....its probably not that easy when your actually in the situation yourself.

as you can see what iv quoted above, speicfically the last sentence ;'its probably not that easy when your in the situation yourself'
so as you cam see im saying that i hgope i will be able to spot problems, but thats all well and good to 'hope' as i do realise when your in the thick of a paticular situation its not always so easy to see clearly.

cynder

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't want to believe that anybody sets out to bring up a brat! I think with the best of intentions, well meaning parents sometimes get it wrong.

We all start out with "ideals", and while its nice to aim for them I think it is very very important to realise that your child is a little person. A little person with their own personality and mind. So that when your child doesn't behave exactly as you want them to, its very important to tell yourself that its not the end of the world.

As you say yourself, you went off the rails a bit. I'm sure that wasn't specifically down to parenting.. it was also to do with you being your own person, and making your own decisions.

Don't be SO sure that you will be able to spot the signs with your own son... you may well spot them, but he may not take a blind bit of notice of anything you do/say at that stage!! Did you take notice of YOUR parents?!

My husband is a teacher in a secondary school. He says across the classes the huge majority of kids are nice kids, but there are always 1 or 2 that will just cause trouble...

I'd happily take "1 or 2" instead of 20 or 25!

If you teach your child values that are important to you, he'll be ok. He won't always do or say what you want him to.... but that's normal.

Your son is 7 months... you are full of theory and ideas at the moment.. I'd love to here back from you in even 2 years time, to see how those theories and ideals are working out!

Imagine where you'll be in 14 years!!

Relax. Teach your child to be honest and mannerly, and expect that he'll never be "perfect"... then you won't go far wrong.

Great post! agree with you 100%

cynder

wolfpawnat wrote: »

My son (3 next month) knows when we got shopping he will get a treat, usually at the beginning as that is where the sweets are in the shop, he will ask for the one he wants from a pre-approved list. He will hold it going around Tesco's. If he sees something he would rather I decide whether he can have it, he goes and puts back the first option. And he patiently waits for the till and places his treat on the belt and does not get it until all items are paid and packed away. He must say please and thank you to people at all times and any tantrums in the store, and the sweets are put back on the shelf if he does not behave by the count of 3. Only once has this happened. He knows I am serious and he will not risk a packet of buttons to call my bluff! As a result most of the time he is extremely well behaved. The other percentage, well, he's only human!

Also that being said parenting a 3 year old and parenting a preteen/ teen is a whole different thing. You have to adapt to each phase they go through.

AS far as im concerned if i raise kids that dont break the law IM HAPPY. At the moment i dont see them as law breakers but then again they are 12, 6, and 5. They have manners but its up to them when they choose to use them (and will be reminded to use them if they forget).

My 12 year old was being bullied on facebook and it took 2 weeks of bullying for her manners to disappear then she told them the F**k off. TBH i would rather her of told them to F**k off after day 3 because then they started calling her a fat ugly bitch, slutty, fat slut, lesbian and so on. These girls were not stereotypical they were from good homes with 2 parents, the parents were mortified at what their girls wrote, in front of their parents they were angels but behind their back the kids were far from it. I kept every message they sent also showing them my daughters replies, which were very mannerly until she told them to F off.

Big Bag of Chips

qwertytlk wrote: »

....im saying that i hgope i will be able to spot problems, but thats all well and good to 'hope' as i do realise when your in the thick of a paticular situation its not always so easy to see clearly.

And I'm saying it mightn't matter whether you spot anything or not if your son becomes a rebelling, strong-willed "my mam & dad know nothing about anything" teen!

Anyway, this is all hypothetical, supposition, and maybe and might... enjoy your little boy.

Actually the one bit of advice I remember hearing somewhere is... allow your children to talk to you about nothing, then when there's something they need to tell you they will know they can come to you.

We do a lot of talking in our house. They never shut up! But by listening to them, I am letting them know I am interested in every tiny detail they tell me, and I also tell them they are allowed tell me anything and I won't get cross or angry at them. Anything at all that worries them, if they tell me I can help fix it.

(because mammies & daddies are brilliant, and can do everything!)

They are too small at the minute to have anything major to worry about, but I'm planting that seed early!

cynder

@ bag of chips

Talking thing works if you child is the talking type. My mother was the talking type I wasnt and told her nothing, i was bullied for 8 years and she never knew about it.

I have a 12 year old and she talks and talks and talks. She tells me about the boys she likes and that some girls were saying mean things to her on facebook and about school and more boys, hair, make up, spots, periods its never ending, she likes to talk.

My middle guy age 6 isnt a talker so trying to get him to talk can be a nightmare, my 5 year old is just learning to express himself with words as he has a severe speech and language disorder.

Even though my lady now 12 likes to talk Ive got a feeling that it will change as she gets further into her teens and gets a boyfriend. I'm not delusional no child is going to tell you 100% of what they get up to. I will just let her know the boundaries when the time comes.

pippington

I have two nieces, two lovely little girls...when there parents arent around! I can honestly say I have never met two lazier parents...ok they feed and clothe and make sure there children are well looked after in that sense...but there idea of a fun day off with their kids is them sitting on the sofa and the kids running riot...the two girls literally go mental to try and get their parents attention. Im talking laziness to the degree of being out in a restaurant and they will argue so much over whos turn it is to bring their 5 year old to the toilet, that she will be at the point of wetting herself. When they are out and about with me and other people its hard to believe what sweet little girls they are incomparison to when they are with their parents.