Should I leave it longer to contact siblings ?

Funkyman

Hi all,
Im just looking for some advice on which direction to take in my adoption search. Just some back round to my story, Im a 31 year old male who instigated a search for my birth mother 4 years ago. About 6 months ago my social worker found my BM and she told him she was open to recieving a letter regarding my intentions. I duly sent a short letter with some information about myself and 2 months later got a letter back.
To cut a long story short, it was a very informative letter about my birth and circumstances surrounding it and also about the family which she has with my birth father at the moment. She signed off by saying she wished me well for the future but wanted no further contact.
My social worker thinks that with all the information she gave me that once she gets over the initial shock she might come around.
If she wants no further contact I will respect that but I will contact my 4 siblings and let them decide if they want a relationship with me. I thought I would wait a year to two years before doing this, any other advice out there ?. Thanks guys and sorry for the rambling.

tyview

Funkyman wrote: »

Hi all,
Im just looking for some advice on which direction to take in my adoption search. Just some back round to my story, Im a 31 year old male who instigated a search for my birth mother 4 years ago. About 6 months ago my social worker found my BM and she told him she was open to recieving a letter regarding my intentions. I duly sent a short letter with some information about myself and 2 months later got a letter back.
To cut a long story short, it was a very informative letter about my birth and circumstances surrounding it and also about the family which she has with my birth father at the moment. She signed off by saying she wished me well for the future but wanted no further contact.
My social worker thinks that with all the information she gave me that once she gets over the initial shock she might come around.
If she wants no further contact I will respect that but I will contact my 4 siblings and let them decide if they want a relationship with me. I thought I would wait a year to two years before doing this, any other advice out there ?. Thanks guys and sorry for the rambling.

hi funkyman,

I've no real advice about how long you should leave it before attempting to contact your siblings but I was wondering if you were going to use the social worker to contact them? I have met my siblings through my BM but my ex had no idea his parents had given up a baby before they married until last year and I know all of his siblings felt all over the place about it. His mother died in her early 50s and had never said anything. His father has never spoken a word about it, this was one secret that was going to the grave. I'm not saying this to put you off, god no. Its just to put another perspective across! Every relationship is different afterall.

I think I would talk to your social worker about it. They should have some experience of this. If you are going through the SW, would she contact your BM just to let her know of your intentions? I really hope things work out for you.

Funkyman

Yea I will leave it a year or two before I preceed anyway. I assume that if my BM wants no contact with me she will hardly want me in contact with her other children. I will go through my counsellor to contact my siblings as i feel it would be unfair to them if they were contacted any other way. Its their decision whether they want a relationship with me or not and at this stage my BM and BF will have to deal with that.

Thanks for the reply, sometimes its good to write this stuff down and get a fresh perspective on it.

jb28

Hi, just wondering what age your siblings are? this is an issue i feel i will face in the future but my siblings are in their teens yet so i know i have to bide my time, also wondering how you feel about your bm not wanting to make contact, i have similiar situation only i got to meet her a handful of times, filled with empty promises of "taking things slowly" and then she never wants to meet or have contact, feel very betrayed by this, sorry for the bit of a rant! just wondering how you feel about her not wanting contact!

Funkyman

Hi jb28, I feel for you as it must be hard to meet your BM and then have no contact. In my situation I initially set out to meet my birth parents but as they wished for no contact I accepted it and moved on. From the info I know about them, they are petrified that anyone in their community or family know that they had a child out of wedlock even though they are married to each other now with 4 adult children. I feel sorrow for them more than anger at the moment.
I think it is very important to talk to someone about what you are experiencing as it will be very beneficial to you and help you in the future.