Have I outgrown them

Gannicus

Don't know if this is in the right place but here goes:

Over the last few months I have felt more and more distant from a lot of my closest mates. I know it sounds bad but it seems like I've out grown them.

Example: I'm saving to buy a place of my own and they are saying things like
"would you be bothered" and
"sure just stay living in your ma's gaf you get your dinner and washing done"

Other situations include trying to arrange holidays and they are more worried about saving money for a new video game coming out? Now before I go any further bear in mind that we are all in out mid-to-late 20's.

Am I wrong or being acrimonious to think that I am wasting my time hanging around with them or maintaining a friendship with them. In the long run I have spent less and less time around them and I will more than likely continue this trend but would I be over reacting if I just cut ties with them altogether. I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them. I think the main problem is that they all hang around in just this one social circle where as I have hobbies and work friends too.

Have any of you felt like this before or have any advice.

Eric Cartman

we all have some waster friends, get some friends with jobs and youll be grand

sideswipe

Don't Sweat it OP, this is just nature taking it's course. Everybody leaves school/college with too many friends so over the next few years you have to cull some. In 10 years you'll have a lot less, in 20 years you'll have only a few left but they'll be gooduns............... it's quality over quantity.

Big Steve

Big Steve wrote: »

I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them.

I think you've answered your own question dude.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

your friends would prefer to stay in and play videogames rather than go on holiday with you, take the hint

Fourteen

you'll make new friends the way you're going, but these friends you have now could still be fun to go out with at weekends or whatever, so don't be too quick to leave them completely.

Larianne

Sometimes its good to spring clean friendships. People grow apart, get interested in other things. Spend more time with people you actually want to spend time with.

Had to get rid of a passive-aggressive friend last year. Do I miss her company, no frickin way!

Jesus Shaves

I'll be your friend;)

Gannicus

Fourteen wrote: »

you'll make new friends the way you're going, but these friends you have now could still be fun to go out with at weekends or whatever, so don't be too quick to leave them completely.

That's the problem. They don't go out. they just sit in the same places on the sofa smoking spliffs, drinking cans and repeating this system almost daily. I mentioned going clay pigeon shooting next weekend and the "most" intelligent answer I got was "yeah lets get a load of cans, smoke a few doobs and shoot some guns"

Leo Dowling

Big Steve wrote: »

That's the problem. They don't go out. they just sit in the same places on the sofa smoking spliffs, drinking cans and repeating this system almost daily. I mentioned going clay pigeon shooting next weekend and the "most" intelligent answer I got was "yeah lets get a load of cans, smoke a few doobs and shoot some guns"

Sounds like a fair compromise.

Gannicus

darokane wrote: »

I'll be your friend;)

Cheers. I actually like Athlone. any time I'm down there I stay in the Prince Of Wales (Hotel) and hit the nightclub down stairs. Great spot.

Leo Dowling wrote: »

Sounds like a fair compromise.

Sounds like someone will be taking a trip to the morgue if you ask me.

quietriot

Big Steve wrote: »

I just feel like banging my head against the wall when I spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them.

Then don't spend more than a couple of leisurely hours with them!

I think the main problem is that they all hang around in just this one social circle where as I have hobbies and work friends too.

So I take it these are friends from childhood/school/college? Presumably then, your closest friends?

Don't be too quick to just turn your back on them. They're friends for a reason. Everyone goes through the phases of life at different times and speeds to others and you're just ahead of your friends currently. It's a little concerning that they actively recommend staying at home with your mother, as I can't recall personally ever hearing someone recommend that.

One of my biggest regrets/mistakes I've made was burning friendships on the back of them not being in the exact same phase of life as me. We all mature, however not all friendships are mended.

Do your own thing - your hobbies, buying yourself a home, whatever else but keep up with them and spend some leisurely time with them. If you can't organise a holiday because they'd rather play video games, so what? Go on holiday by yourself or find even just one other person to go and chill out with you.

Something I would point out though is that if you're trying to organise "lads" holidays with them, or holidays in big groups, then you're not as grown up as you think you are

Reloc8

They're in their mid to late twenties and live at home and have to save up to buy a video game ?

I hope you have outgrown them for your sake.

Robdude

Your friends are losers.

While you are working your butt off, putting in long hours, trying to advance your career and save money for yourself and your family; take solace in the fact that your tax dollars are funding their lifestyle.

Gannicus

I see where you are coming from quietriot. I'm just using a holiday as an example. It's anything really gigs, clay pigeon shooting, paint balling, quad biking, anything that's not part of a run of the mill weekend.

Do they make u laugh? If so keep them they may or may not grow up but funny people are hard to find imo

quietriot

Big Steve wrote: »

I see where you are coming from quietriot. I'm just using a holiday as an example. It's anything really gigs, clay pigeon shooting, paint balling, quad biking, anything that's not part of a run of the mill weekend.

Well the problem with the run of the mill type weekend is the same people will mostly likely have budgeted for it and are expecting it, so when something else is suggested, they're in the mindset of whether it will compare to the weekend they were going to have.

I suppose it's kind of like when you're ordering takeaway from your local. Do you order the same dish every week or do you take a chance on something new, even though you might not like it? A lot would go for the same dish, I do mainly myself, as they know they'll enjoy it and that it represents good value for the money you're parting with. The same can go for activities and these guys are in a phase where this is what they enjoy and when you suggest something else, they look at it as money spent on something they might not enjoy, that will take away from the money they have for something they know they will enjoy.

What I will say though is that they will get bored of it. Friends I had went through the exact same thing of sitting around smoking pot and getting cans every weekend or even during the week, I was involved with it too, but eventually it gets so monotonous that even the heaviest stoner gets bored and wants to do something else.

You'll only hurt yourself though if you ditch them now, as they'll get bored and want to do these things you do, however they'll go off and do them without you since you ditched them. On the other hand, you'll be caught trying to organise things with your "new" friends who might be unfamiliar with each other, have their own things they do on the weekends with other friends/girlfriends/etc and you'll be there with s.f.a to do for yourself while your old friends enjoy themselves doing new things, and your new friends enjoy themselves doing their old things. It's difficult to explain but it's a very familiar situation to me.

You're clearly doing well for yourself so give yourself the best of both worlds, go out and smoke weed with your mates sometimes. The other times, go out with your other friends and shoot paintball. Find someone interested in a holiday or a gig and get them to commit to a booking and head off. If anything else, you taking these initiatives and showing your home friends that you're enjoying yourself NOT just sitting around smoking pot will inspire them to get off their arses and join in a lot quicker than just ditching them and leaving them to it.

Gannicus

I suppose it's just frustrating sometimes when I get out and say anyone fancy.... going here or doing this and the main response is "I'm too hungover" or I'm too drunk" or "I'm too stoned"

Boston Most Roadblock wrote: »

Do they make u laugh? If so keep them they may or may not grow up but funny people are hard to find imo

Not as often as they used to.

starbelgrade

Do you talk to your friends in bold too?

RichieC

You'd be ill advised to drop your long time friends for shinier new mates.

earpiece

You can have my friends, I don't really want them any more. I'll swap them for an x-box, any takers?

2 Miles From Narnia

You mentioned that you had work friends, and also that this group spend most of their days hanging around not doing much - are you one of the only ones in the group working at the moment? If so, maybe they can't afford holidays or the activities you're suggesting but don't want to have to say that so make fun of your suggestions instead? Have you tried suggesting some free stuff that still gets you all out into the fresh air?

It could just be that you have outgrown them, but if there's a chance that there are other issues bothering them that you're not aware of, it would be a real shame to throw away years of friendship. You always meet new people, but there's something really special about mates who share your childhood and teenage memories.

Gannicus

2 Miles From Narnia wrote: »

You mentioned that you had work friends, and also that this group spend most of their days hanging around not doing much - are you one of the only ones in the group working at the moment? If so, maybe they can't afford holidays or the activities you're suggesting but don't want to have to say that so make fun of your suggestions instead? Have you tried suggesting some free stuff that still gets you all out into the fresh air?

Yeah I've suggested going to see Giants Causeway, camping, all kinds of stuff. at the moment out of about 10 or 12 of us, 4 are not working at all 2 part time and the rest of us have full time jobs. one of the lads actually works cash in hand and get the dole (but that's a different story for a different day)

Plazaman

starbelgrade wrote: »

Do you talk to your friends in bold too?

Thought it was a Mod giving out yards about someone at the start there

But to the task at hand, OP certainly if you feel you have less and less in common with them then don't feel obliged to hang around with them BUT don't burn your bridges with them either, they're still your friends. It's not a major crime to expand your social circles as you get older so be selfish on occasions and do what you want to do. People change and it might be the case they may take a little bit longer.

wandatowell

They cant go on a holiday as they are saving for a video game!!!

Why cant they afford both??
Pretty sure a game is about 40 quid nowadays anyway

Deus Ex Machina

Blow your load on your mates.

FueledByAisling

I'm currently in the same position as you even though I'm a lot younger. I've been drifting away from friends who I wouldn't usually go a day without dropping a text to and now I haven't had any contact with them for a number of months. Originally I did feel guilty but as the weeks go on I realise it's for the best and I've no time for feeling sorry.

In my opinion you are doing the same as me, thinking of the future and spending your valuable free time with the right people and not wasting it away. You might feel crap now but in the end you'll be the one with the nice job while they're still living with mammy smoking spliffs and complaining about there being 'no jobs'.

okiss

Bigsteve it's good that you are moving on with your life even if your friends are not doing this yet. D'ont drop your present friends as they could have been there for you in the past and you don't know when you will need friends. I speak from experience in saying this.
I have seen people both male and female just plod along like your friends and then wonder why other people they know have holidays, cars, houses or are married and have families (if this is what you want).
For some people it is easy to get stuck in a rut but some times you have to willing to make an effort to move on your life. I moved away from home and had a number of different jobs. Things that did not always work the way I planed but I learned a lot on the way. I would ask one or two of your friends to do something different with you. If they go with you and enjoy it they will tell the others. I would still do the things you like with other new friends also.

Princess Peach

I outgrew a couple of my friends. Had a best friend for a few years and we grew apart and then fell out and don't talk at all. When I think about it now she was just a drinking buddy from my party girl days. When I started to act responsibly she couldn't deal with it and pushed me away.

Don't get me started on the holiday thing. We'll sit around one night and plan a holiday. I'll call them all the next week about booking flights, "Nah actually can't afford it." I went on holiday 4 times last year, piggybacked on friend in France's holiday, went to a music festival with my brothers' friends I had met once and twice with the boyfriend.

You just gotta realise it and move on and do your own thing.

Pacifist Pigeon

Last year (I was 19 at the time) I remember someone I know at college saying that he spent €500 on alcohol over the past week. Nobody else around him seemed to care but I was just sitting there saying WFT to myself.

Also, I can't understand how people my age (20, nearly 21) still care about video games so much. Last week, someone I know was moaning about the fact that he was beaten by a 12 year old in an online multi-player game.

Orando Broom

Big Steve, can I come at this from a different angle; perhaps you are a person of means and they are not. Perhaps rather than conflict with you and refrain from calling you out on your flaunting your affluence (this may be somewhat unconscious on your part) they are just staying stum. You have expensive taste in hobbies and if these guys have to save for video games then cash is tight with them.

It's ok to have ambition but don't forget your mates just because things are tight for them. It seems like they have not called you out on anything, which shows a good deal about their character. Friends who are materialistic and gauge others by their possessions more often than not disappoint as people, think before you say or do anything you may later regret.

highfive

I say don't worry about it, u seem to be doing fine with your current strategy, thou how good is a friend if you have to use a strategy to deal with them?

Also, and I don't know if this would be applicable to anyone else, but stay away from people who bring stress into your life. I was unhappy with friends for years and it was only holding me back. Had an argument with one and haven't looked back! I was happy to be free from the group tbh!

Now, I do have a lack of friends but I'm focusing on other parts of my life like career and health for now.

Just my 2 cents, hope it helps!

MrsMcSteamy

I have a friend, actually had a friend, who done this to our social group last year. We were very close, got on fierce well with all her family and relations. She distanced completely from all of us, never bothered replying to any of our calls or messages.

That's fair enough she wanted to move on fine. What's not fine with me is the backlash people like her cousins and brother gave me because why weren't we hanging out with her anymore, and we are meant to be her friends so why didn't we invite her on nights out. That hurt a lot that people thought we dropped her where as it was the opposite and we got all the grief for it.

I have gotten over it now and moved on but I just didn't like the way we were made out to be the bad ones when she didn't want us anymore.

conorhal

As loathe as I am to quote Baz Lhurmans Suncreen song.......

"Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young."

As several people have said, people often mature at a different pace. There's something a bit cold and utilitarian about your attitude towards your friends. Perhaps you need to spend a bit less time with them but simply cutting them out of your life seems harsh.

Kirby

I like orange juice and my friends like apple juice.

Orange juice is much more mature. Clearly, I have outgrown them. :rolleyes:

davet82

they sound pretty cool to me, ya ungrateful bastard

Scanlas The 2nd

I notice everyone seems to be outgrowing other people on this thread. Where are the people who where outgrown by others?

OP maybe your friends have outgrown you and your materialistic ways.

I Heart Internet

Just enjoy yourself and don't ditch them totally. No need for a big show-down where you explain you've outgrown them and slam the door after you.

Being on your own isn't bad anyway. As I always say, a rock feels no pain and an island never cries. Me and Paul Simon wrote a song about it a while back but it ended up infringing on the copyright of a song he'd written years earlier.

Fear Uladh

Shoot them, instead of the clay pigeons.

Hilarity ensues.

Somnus

I wouldn't consider it strange OP. I can think of a few people I was very good friends with about 4-5 years ago that I'm not close to anymore.

People change as they grow, some more than others as your case might show, nothing wrong with wanting to hang around with people more in your mindset these days

dermiek

Sorry to hijack the thread. I'm in a dilemma.
I've just saved up 40 euro towards a video game, and one of my mates wants to go clay pigeon shooting! Do I spend the money on shooting, for the sake of our friendship, or tell him to f off?

I'm tempted with the game. I've outgrown him anyway. :rolleyes:

Thundercats Ho

I was the same OP. Started saving for a deposit on a house in my late 20's. That kinda changed my outlook tbf, in that my priorities had changed and going on the lash every weekend didn't do it for me anymore.

A few of my then mates were a lazy bunch also which made it easier to make the change, insomuch as they couldn't afford to go on holidays or football trips, but could afford to go to the pub a few times a week.

A big group of us met up a few months back (all the old boys back together kinda thing) for supposedly a few pints. Naturally the same fellas were mangled drunk, roaring abuse at people and starting fights etc.

In hindsight it was one of the best decisions i made.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

Big Steve wrote: »

Cheers. I actually like Athlone. any time I'm down there I stay in the Prince Of Wales (Hotel) and hit the nightclub down stairs. Great spot.

Sounds like you would have enjoyed Saturday with me then man. Funnily enough me and my cousin went clay pigeon shooting and then went for a few pints, ending up in the nightclub you mention (Karma is the name BTW)

Stiffler2

I'm in a similiar situation at the mo with my mates.
I matured ages ago ( if you want to call it that ) where as my mates are still in the teeny bopper stage going out to clubs, 1 still hasn't got the roide and he's close to 30.

They all live at home getting mammy to wash their clothes, hell she probably has to wash his balls as well since he's so retarded.

And recently when I go down their he has the football on. I'm like wtf you watching that $hit for, I'd rather watch paint drying.

Previously I would ring this guy every day, go down to his house every day, it was like this for years. Then I don't know what happened but I can barely stand his company any more.

Haven't spoke to him now in about 6 months and if he's reading this I think you're a C**T, please delete my number from your phone.

davet82

Stiffler2 wrote: »

hell she probably has to wash his balls

jealous?

4zn76tysfajdxp

Stiffler2 wrote: »

Haven't spoke to him now in about 6 months and if he's reading this I think you're a C**T, please delete my number from your phone.

Ha. Too cowardly to tell him yourself. Who's mature now? :cool:

marcsignal

OP you are moving on, and they want to stay put. They are cozy in their clique, and fear change. They feel rejected by you, and rather than see you move on, they want to drag you down, by slagging, and by being pessimistic. Life is way too short for unnecessary baggage. You're not responsible for these dweebs, leave them wallow in their own shit.

Move on and enjoy yourself.

Gannicus

Thanks for all your responses.

In regards to the theory that I am being materialistic I find that a moot point. The lads have the money to get 8 or 10 cans at least twice a week each, and 3 or 4 of them also spend approx €150 each a week on weed, so finances aren't really the problem its a matter of their lack of willing to do anything bar drink, get stoned and play video games. They don't even go for a few pints the literally go round to the same house and do this all the time.

deccurley wrote: »

Sounds like you would have enjoyed Saturday with me then man. Funnily enough me and my cousin went clay pigeon shooting and then went for a few pints, ending up in the nightclub you mention (Karma is the name BTW)

You teasing backstard you. Karma is great craic.

Jesus Shaves

Big Steve wrote: »

You teasing backstard you. Karma is great craic.

It's great for bringing inebriated girls home

skregs

To be fair, If I was playing Skyrim, unless you have a weekend of dragon killing lined up I'd tell you to jog on too.

What ****ing sweatshop do your mates work in that they have to save for games despite living with their Mas anyway?


In a serious capacity, same thing happened to me when I was around 20. My mates wanted to sit around the house drinking cans, I wanted to go into town or weekends away or whatever.
Now I'm married, have a child and my own house and they all still live with their parents and spend their days between the sofa and the gym.

Burn those chumps big time

Azureus

I think people underestimate friendships, especially when you live in a city or somewhere and new people are easier to come by. I know some people who have a different social circle every six months, and while its fantastic to meet new people I kinda always think what happened to those people you were besties with last year? They'd walk by eachother in a pub and barely say hi these days...no fallout, just apathy.

Dont get me wrong, I have seen friends come and go a lot, especially over the last few years where you leave college, get a job, people start emigrating etc. But I still have my close 4-5 friends that I make sure stay friends, even if they live on a different continent, which is the case with one of mine. Friendships are a type of relationship and they need effort-it doesnt always come easy. You might not be on the same page as your friends right now, but would they be the kind of people that would try and be there for you if sh!t went down? Can you rely on them? These kind of things are more important than whether they prefer COD to camping, or a night on the tear to a holiday. You said yourself you've work friends etc so do those things with your other mates but you can still leave some room for your old friends in your life.