Single Parent Seeking better life

Tea Lover

Hi all

I am new to this but just thought somebody could help me out. I am a single parent, the father of my child left me when I was 4 months pregnant and then asked me to abort the baby. Since giving birth he has played an active part in our lives but claims that he cannot afford to pay maintanence, although he can afford to smoke 20 fags a day and be in the pub at least twice a week. I work full time so pay for everything.

My sons father lives with his mam who will do anything for her precious son! He has no interest in getting a job and is quite happy to stay in bed until 2 or 3 in the afternoon playing the playstation.

I cannot cope with struggling anymore, my friend has offered me a place to stay in Canada to try and improve my life, my sons father said no he will not allow me to go because he says I should be happy with a job here!!

I just find this really unfair, I really want to go to Canada and try and make a bit of money so at least I can give my son a better opportunity in life.

Do I have any right to just take my son? Please does anybody have any advice for me?

Orion

Does he have guardianship? It's not automatic for unmarried fathers. You would have had to sign an affidavit or he would have had to go to court to be named as guardian.

If he's not a guardian you can legally take the child from the country without his permission. So yes, you have the legal right to take him.

However, you say he plays an active part in the child's live - you would be taking that away by moving to Canada. It's something you should factor into your decision.

You can also apply to the courts for a maintenance order. They will look at income and circumstances and decide how much he has to pay.

Sleepy

Sounds like a perfect time to bring up the issue of maintenance again: either he makes up what he can of the difference between what you can earn here versus in Canada or you go for your child's sake. Nothing stopping him emigrating there and getting a job to be near his child either tbh.

Tea Lover

No he dosnt have guardianship, he does take him 2 days during the week while I work, does that count as guardianship?

I have asked him to come with us but he thinks Im mad that things are not that bad here!! He sees no problem living on the dole for the next 10 years.

I think courts is the only option, it has been nearly 3 years without maintenance. I always said I would never go to courts but I dont think I have much choice.

Sleepy

If he has custody 2 days (and nights) of the week it would certainly reduce what he might be expected to pay in maintenance since his fair share of supporting the child is 3.5 days per week.

If you're working full-time could you come to an arrangement whereby he takes the child 5 days a week saving you the cost of childcare?

Orion

That is not guardianship. Guardianship is a legal concept that gives him a say in the upbringing of the child and the right to refuse the child leaving the country. You can either grant it via affidavit or he can go to court to get it.

Tea Lover

He has him 1 night a week, but it is in his family home where his mother does most of the work.

I offered for him to have him more days during the week but he felt having him on a Monday was unfair because he liked to have a few drinks on a Sunday. There is no winning with him, he feels he is entitled to the same as me but does not make any effort.

I just hope him having him for 2 days is not the same as guardianship!

Tea Lover

Thanks Orion just seen that reply now, I really appreciate your help on this matter.

Scarlet42

move to canada, what sort of example is this guy setting for the child, he didn't want him in the first place and doesn't seem to make any effort at all - if he won't make any effort then why should he be involved in the decision making towards this child.

if you decide not to move .. Get this guy to start making maintanince .. he can afford to pay for fags and drink, do you have to pay for childcare while he is lying in bed hungover??

sounds like he needs a good kick in backside!

Tea Lover

Yeah I do pay for childcare, he was supposed to go half with me but always lets me down, so I just dont bother anymore!

I have started to keep a diary so I can record all the times he let me down, I just really wish I started one along time ago.

So anyone reading this who is a single parent always keep a diary, you never know when you will need one!

Jagle

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

Tea Lover

I have money for make up etc after my bills are paid for.

How are my a bad mother? All I want is what I am entitled to.

Do you accept that a father who pays nothing towards his child, is in the right? Who says he cant afford to support his child because he has no money, but yet he has a great social life.

Squiggler

You do not need to justify yourself OP. To me it sounds like your child's father wants all the fun bits and good bits of being a father but without having to face up to any of the reality - having to mind a child even if your ill, or it's ill for that matter, the cost of feeding and clothing a child, childcare costs.

You have every right to move and find a better life for you and the child. If he doesn't want you to do that then he needs to take a more equal share of the responsibility and fork over his share of the expenses. That is only fair.

dulpit

Jagle wrote: »

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

From what I've read the dude doesn't pay anything but still drinks/smokes - he should pay his share first..

Jagle

*mod warning*
Post deleted due to in accurate and inappropriate content.

nikkibikki

It soooooo doesn't make you a bad mother OP, don't listen to that nonsense for a milli second!!!!!

nikkibikki

Jagle wrote: »

And perhaps he has money for (drinking smoking whatever it be) after his bills are paid too,

No, he's not paying a penny towards his child's upbringing so all of his financial responsibilities are not met.

She's looking for advice, not moaning.

Jagle

nikkibikki wrote: »

No, he's not paying a penny towards his child's upbringing so all of his financial responsibilities are not met.

She's looking for advice, not moaning.

He doesnt have to, she never got a court order, and they didnt come to an agreement, she can sod off..


so if he doesnt legally owe her money, he has no bills/debt to her

Op's fault

Rose35

Some men just dont want to accept their responsibilites but are quite happy to participate in the making of the child. you sound like a great mother who has got on with it as best you could. Don't listen to the criticism thats not what you came on her for.
Sounds to me like the father of your child needs a wake up call, go to canada and enjoy your life, you deserve it.

Tea Lover

We did come to an agreement..twice.. but if you read my posts he has let me down.

I have also said courts seem to be my only option. Read all the posts before you jump down my throat!!!

Thanks guys for sticking up for me!

nikkibikki

They came to an agreement that he help her out with childcare cost, an agreement he isn't sticking to.

A lot of single mother's in this situation would have run a mile from this guy long ago, but this girl seems to be making every effort to ensure that her son has his father in his life, however useless he may be, so fair play to you OP. Don't think I'd have that sort of patience in that kind of situation!

Jagle

Tea Lover wrote: »

We did come to an agreement..twice.. but if you read my posts he has let me down.

I have also said courts seem to be my only option. Read all the posts before you jump down my throat!!!

Thanks guys for sticking up for me!

sorry i really did read but must of missed the part about the agreement, in that case OP take him to court for maintenance..
but, if you do that, he can go after guardianship and stop you moving to canada, so maybe it might be just to go..

if ye have made 2 agreements to have him pay you and he hasnt, then he has no input

Sleepy

First off: it's an utter disgrace that you're paying for childminding whilst he's in the scratcher. I can't see it being in the child's best interest to move to a different country than a father who plays an active role in it's upbringing however.

If he's on the dole and has no prospect of finding work, it really seems the best option for all concerned if he takes the child when you're working and a couple of nights a week. If this worked out at approximately 50% of the week then there's no need for anyone to pay maintenance and you'd save a fortune on the childcare costs.

If he wants his Monday in bed, he should be the one to pay the childminder for it.

Put the foot down: tell him you're going to court or he can man up and mind his child.

Tea Lover

Thanks everyone. Really appreciated. Even you Jagle :P

ash23

I agree with Sleepy. He definitely does need to step up to the plate and contribute towards his child either by minding him while you work and/or paying maintenance.
However, I don't agree that you should move away because he does have a part in this childs life and unfortunately, when we choose to have children with people, we have to accept that it means we are forever bound to them in some shape or form, whether we like it or not and all we can do is make the best of it.

Graciefacey

As much as he disgusts me with his behaviour, a child deserves to have both parents in their life even if he is a lazy bum. He needs a major reality check! Also just to add I have several friends in Canada and have visited twice, its ridiculously expensive and you'd need a very high paying job in order to actually be able to save etc. I really feel for you op, i hope that things work out for you. He needs to pull the finger out and start paying maintenance, he doesnt seem to think he has any responsibilities.

Moonbeam

Jagle wrote: »

He doesnt have to, she never got a court order, and they didnt come to an agreement, she can sod off..


so if he doesnt legally owe her money, he has no bills/debt to her

Op's fault

*mod warning*

Jagle please can you be less offensive and more factual in your posts on this forum.
If not, it will result in an infraction and a ban from here.

oeb

Hi nikkibikki,

Your Ex seems like a bit of a deadbeat, and I can understand why you want to be shot of him. Unfortuantly, as unfair as it is for him not to pull his weight, it would also be unfair (On your son) to just cut him out of his life.

What I would suggest is making a court date and applying for maintenence. If he does not pay the court ordered maintenence, procede from there.

You do not have to be in the country for him to apply for guardianship. And if you do intend to get him denied guardianship so you can move, it's worth going about this properly.

Fromthetrees

I'm going to echo what sleepy has posted above, if he steps up and takes yere son 50% of the time and in that process eliminates the need for you to pay child care, than he is covering his responsibilities, that's the way I would see it anyway and possibly the court oo.
You should put the boot in.
I think taking your son away from his father should be a last resort. To me, the only moral way you can take away a child from a parent permanently is if that parent is a threat or your child is at risk of poverty. Once a child's very basic needs are met the only other thing it needs in this world more than anything else are a mommy and a daddy.

gcgirl

Jagle wrote: »

sorry on the point of him having money for fags and drink, while i dont condone this behaviour, you have money for makeup and hair/beauty treatments im sure, thats terrible you are such a terrible mother for not spending every spare cent on you're child.

high horses, get off them

Sorry but I am really taken aback with such a comment

*mod warning*
Such comments are not helpful and do not contribute to the thread.
Please report a post if you have an issue with it.

up for anything

Fromthetrees wrote: »

I'm going to echo what sleepy has posted above, if he steps up and takes yere son 50% of the time and in that process eliminates the need for you to pay child care, than he is covering his responsibilities, that's the way I would see it anyway and possibly the court oo.
You should put the boot in.
I think taking your son away from his father should be a last resort. To me, the only moral way you can take away a child from a parent permanently is if that parent is a threat or your child is at risk of poverty. Once a child's very basic needs are met the only other thing it needs in this world more than anything else are a mommy and a daddy.

That's a bit sentimental.

I also find that 50% argument a bit silly and unequal especially in this day and age when fathers' rights are all the rage. He looks after his child 50% of the week and that's him off the hook meanwhile she works all week and looks after the child the other 50% of the week while working. It doesn't compute!