Father Ted

Bruthal

kojack wrote: »

I love that Eurosong episode. Especially Fred Rickwood who is backstage all scruffy, not shaved and makes no sense when talking. He comes out on stage then make up on clean shaved, hair slicked.

What a pro!

Yea that was class that.

Bruthal

Well thats the business like you know wha time any u know in and out the doors and giddyup!

micropig

robbie7730 wrote: »

The whole gay thing, I suppose it's a bit of a puzzle to us all. It must be fun though. Um, not the you know, but eh, the nightclubs and uh, the whole rough and tumble of homosexual activity. You know, having boyfriends when you're a man,,,, Anyway, don't mind what the church thinks, it used to think the earth was flat. It's like, you know, sometimes the Pope says things he doesn't really mean, you know? We all get things wrong, even the Pope

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

Dougal: ...was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.

Bruthal

micropig wrote: »

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

Dougal: ...was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.

Bishop o Neill: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop o Neill: Uh huh.

Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop o Neill: Yes.

Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop o Neill: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Bruthal

That Cyril Mc Duff`s an awful eejit, isnt he Ted

micropig

robbie7730 wrote: »

Bishop o Neill: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop o Neill: Uh huh.

Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop o Neill: Yes.

Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop o Neill: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films

Bruthal

micropig wrote: »

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films

Doughal: Father Stone`s been in there a long time Ted, do ye think he`s dead.

Ted: A no, probably just doing tests.

Doughal: What sort of tests, general knowledge?

Ted: A no, medical tests.

Doughal: Sure what would he know about that ted? Wont get much out of him in that condition.

Im laughing even as im typing it.

micropig

robbie7730 wrote: »

Doughal: Father Stone`s been in there a long time Ted, do ye think he`s dead.

Ted: A no, probably just doing tests.

Doughal: What sort of tests, general knowledge?

Ted: A no, medical tests.

Doughal: Sure what would he know about that ted? Wont get much out of him in that condition.

Im laughing even as im typing it.

Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.

Capt'n Midnight

micropig wrote: »

It's like, you know, sometimes the Pope says things he doesn't really mean, you know? We all get things wrong, even the Pope

CHARLES: Em, what about papal infallibility.

micropig

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

CHARLES: Em, what about papal infallibility.

ED: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

DOUGAL: I think so, Ted!

TED: Yes!

DOUGAL: But now wait, I'm not sure. I mean, it is a big step, and, eh, where are we gonna get the guns?

TED: What are you talking about?

DOUGAL: Oh, wait a minute now, actually I...I might have been thinking about something different.

Capt'n Midnight

MRS DOYLE: Right Father, everything's ready. There's a big vat of tea steaming away and I've arranged the Ferrero Roche in a big triangular pile!

micropig

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

MRS DOYLE: Right Father, everything's ready. There's a big vat of tea steaming away and I've arranged the Ferrero Roche in a big triangular pile!

Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!

Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?



TED: So, that's it, I'm giving up the fags. Father Jack, I think you can give the old drink a miss. And no more roller-blading for you until Easter, Dougal.

DOUGAL: Easter's miles away.

TED: It is, but it wouldn't be a sacrifice if it was too easy, would it? And don't forget why we're doing this.

DOUGAL: I know, I know, because of the sacrifice our Lord made for us...

TED: It's much more important than that. I'm not going to be beaten by Father Dick Byrne in the giving-things-up competition. And that's what this is, a giving-things-up competition.

JerryHandbag

Father Fay (the monkey priest) had the best lines IMO, very articulate

"ooh eeh ooh eeh aaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" etc

He doesn't know he's a priest!!

gammygils

Hell! would have to be my favourite episode. It's epic from start to finish. Ted:''July 19th Why does that strike me as important?'' Dougal: ''Ah July 19th I wouldn't know Ted ya big bollocks'' Ted: ''I'm sorry!'' Dougal : ''I said I wouldn't know Ted ya big bollocks'' Ted:''Dougal. Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again? Dougal: ''I have yeah Ted ya big gob****e'' Brilliant. Just watched it yet again on YouTube. Still laughed. St. Kevin's Stump,Fr.Noel Furlong,naked guy on Cortina, etc.etc. Classic

Paully D

Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Father Fintan Stack: What are we watching?
Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.

Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

My personal favourite:

Black priest after Mrs Doyle speaking about how good the mission work in Africa has been:

''Sure I wouldn't know, I'm from Donegal.''

K-9

Shoddy workmanship Ted, shoddy.

Cowboys, they're all cowboys.

midlandsmissus

The most thanks I've ever gotten on a post! A proud day.

Togepi

I love all of them, couldn't pick a favourite! The only one I don't really enjoy is the Father Stone one, he makes it too boring! The rest are all absolutely fantastic though.


A couple of my all time favourite quotes:

Tape Dispenser: "You have used two inches of sticky tape, god bless you."

Dougal (to Ted): "Somethin' to tell the grandkids about I suppose."

And it's not a quote as such but when Mrs Doyle laughs so much she actually has to be carried out of the room. "'Making the tea for him.' Ah-hahahahahahaha!!"

podgemonster

Reporter: God Tom thats a nasty scar, how'd you get that.

Tom: I was in an arguement

Reporter: Well i hope you won.

Tom: I certainly did.............Thats notin though, look at this *bends over, pulls down his pants and shows his buttocks to the Reporter and his crew*

Tom: Would ya believe me own dog did that to me! Doesn't it look like a face?

podgemonster

podgemonster wrote: »

Reporter: God Tom thats a nasty scar, how'd you get that.

Tom: I was in an arguement

Reporter: Well i hope you won.

Tom: I certainly did.............Thats notin though, look at this *bends over, pulls down his pants and shows his buttocks to the Reporter and his crew*

Tom: Would ya believe me own dog did that to me! Doesn't it look like a face?

I always thought he said;
"Would ya believe me own dá did that to me! Doesn't it look like a face?"

JohnMarston

*Ted gets away from Fr.Stone and breathes a relaxing sigh as he settles into the bath*

*Looks up, Fr.Stone is standing there staring at him*

Aglomerado

JohnMarston wrote: »

*Ted gets away from Fr.Stone and breathes a relaxing sigh as he settles into the bath*

*Looks up, Fr.Stone is standing there staring at him*

And when Ted says its Ok for him to use the toilet, he proceeds to do a #2; complete with f@rt sounds....:eek:

K-9

JohnMarston wrote: »

*Ted gets away from Fr.Stone and breathes a relaxing sigh as he settles into the bath*

*Looks up, Fr.Stone is standing there staring at him*

Or the episode, think its the rabbit one, Ted is looking everywhere for the rabbits, looks into the bathroom and Mrs. Doyle is bathing Dougal. Just closes the door as its perfectly normal!

micropig

Father Dougal McGuire: I've gotten use to calling him 'Father Jack'. Cant we call Father Jack something else?
Father Ted Crilly: Alright then 'Flipper', 'Flipper the priest

Bishop Len Brennan: Um... Crilly what is this?
[Points to big pile of rabbit droppings on the floor]
Father Ted Crilly: That's um... Caviar.
Bishop Len Brennan: Caviar?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, well it's not everyday we have a bishop around, so we thought we'd get the Caviar out.
Bishop Len Brennan: Right so what you've done is, you've spread some Caviar down there so i can get on my hands and eat it off the floor.
Father Ted Crilly: ...Yes

Father Dougal McGuire: Come on Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: What did you call him?
Father Dougal McGuire: Sampras, like Pete Sampras.
Father Ted Crilly: Why?
Father Dougal McGuire: Well, you know, rabbits, tennis, you know that whole connection there

Bishop Brennan: What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?

JohnMarston

When Teds doin the slideshow to show people he isnt a racist.

*Picture of Māori guy pops up*

Ted: Dunno how that got in there, of course there are no Māoris on craggy island

Cuts to Māori guy in Aran sweater in audience

Dun laoire

One of the first episodes i watched was "hell" and once i heard the opening lines i was hooked.


Ted: Why does July 19th strike me as important

Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted ya big bollox

That_Guy

"Ted, do you remember the lad who was so good at fashion that they had to shoot him?"

"Ted, I'm no good at making decisions.... Or am I?"

admiralofthefleet

over all 3 series dougal and mrs doyle spoke to each other a total of 3 times. dont believe me? go check. its true

micropig

Father Ted: And God Created Woman (#1.5)" (1995)
Mrs. Doyle: It's a bit much for me, Father. "Feck this" and "Feck that"
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Mrs Doyle.
Mrs. Doyle: "You big bastard." Oh, Dreadful Language. "You big hairy arse." "You big Fecker." Fierce Stuff! And of course the F-word father, the bad F-word. Worse then Feck. You know the one I mean.
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I do, Mrs Doyle
Mrs. Doyle: "F you" "F your effing wife" I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this effing pitch up your hole" That was another one.
Father Ted Crilly: I see what you mean, Mrs Doyle
Mrs. Doyle: "Bastard this" and "Bastard that". You can't move for the Bastards in her novels. It's wall-to-wall bastards.
Father Ted Crilly: Is it Mrs Doyle?
Mrs. Doyle: "You Bastard" "You Fecker" "You bollocks! Get your ballocks out of my face."
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, you just go and prepare for the nuns.
Mrs. Doyle: "Ride me sideways" was another one.



Mrs. Doyle: You men, the things you think are "great fun". Like going to the films, a load of men sitting around looking at films! And rollercoasters, a load of men in a rollercoaster going up and down on a big metal track! And sailing, a load of men in a big boat floating around in the sea! And shouting, a load of men going around shouting! And so forth

Daftendirekt

And now, the director's cut of Jurassic Park. With extra dinosaurs.