Why can i not accept his death

LegacyUser

An acquaintance of mine died 18 months ago. I only knew him through friends, yet i cant still get my head around it, it makes no sense to me. I have no one to talk to because anyone ive told has told me im wrong to be so affected by this death when i barely knew him. I dont know if it was the shock of his sudden death , or how preventable it was or the fact he left so much behind that has me so riddled with guilt and sadness.

He was with his girlfriend for 6 years when he died, since they were 15. She has recently started seeing someone else and i am so happy for her but so sad also. I dont understand why i am. Stupid things play around in my head like if he is sad that she is moving on. Stupid stupid thoughts that i cant get outta my head.

I never really thought about the afterlife or what i believed in until this all happened, and now i dont know what to believe anymore. Im so saddened by the whole loss i dunno what to do or where to turn. has anyone else every felt similar, i would love to feel like i am not the only one.

robman60

I've felt the exact same thing. I could have written that post myself. Four years ago, a friend of my brother died. I had met him once in my life and we had never actually spoken.

His death literally changed my life and I'd put it down as the most life-changing thing that's happened to me.

I often questioned why I feel this way, but I've come to the conclusion that the tragic nature of the death was something that just changed my view of everything. I think one of the things was the fact that someone I had encountered could be there one minute, gone the next.

I also thought that it may be due to the fact that I've never really been faced with the death of someone I've known (thank God) except for my grandfather, but that felt way more natural. A young person dying is very traumatic as it goes against the whole natural cycle I guess, and I think that, along with the tragic circumstances is what really changed things. I'd hazard a guess that you've been fortunate enough to never have someone close to you die, other than older people.

I don't like to be presumptious, but was the death caused by suicide? What I've mentioned above was, and I really think that is what shook me so much. I continuously thought of all the experiences this person had yet to experience, would he have regrets if he could reverse things, etc.

I guess this post doesn't give much of a solution, but at least you may be able to relate to what I'm saying.

-Rob

LegacyUser

robman60 wrote: »

I've felt the exact same thing. I could have written that post myself. Four years ago, a friend of my brother died. I had met him once in my life and we had never actually spoken.

His death literally changed my life and I'd put it down as the most life-changing thing that's happened to me.

I often questioned why I feel this way, but I've come to the conclusion that the tragic nature of the death was something that just changed my view of everything. I think one of the things was the fact that someone I had encountered could be there one minute, gone the next.

I also thought that it may be due to the fact that I've never really been faced with the death of someone I've known (thank God) except for my grandfather, but that felt way more natural. A young person dying is very traumatic as it goes against the whole natural cycle I guess, and I think that, along with the tragic circumstances is what really changed things. I'd hazard a guess that you've been fortunate enough to never have someone close to you die, other than older people.

I don't like to be presumptious, but was the death caused by suicide? What I've mentioned above was, and I really think that is what shook me so much. I continuously thought of all the experiences this person had yet to experience, would he have regrets if he could reverse things, etc.

I guess this post doesn't give much of a solution, but at least you may be able to relate to what I'm saying.

-Rob

Thank you do much for your response because i think i feel the exact same as you. I do think its the shock of it all. It wasnt suicide but a very unfortunate one off accident that happened so suddenly, one minute i was watching tv and within 20 mins i heard of the accident and then he had died. It was all so quick and its so hard to believe. When i see a car like his i think its him, even 18 months on, i think of all the opportunities that he is missing, all the nights out that i would see him around, all the events, weddings, births, birthday parties, all he is missing and how easy it would of been for it all to be prevented had this accident just not happened. I cant accept it, i cant believe he is missing out and i feel so guilty. When something great happens i think what id be missing if it had been me who died. He wasnt supposed to die, he was so young, i dunno if i will ever get my head around it

LegacyUser

and to answer your other question no i am so lucky to never have lost anyone really close to me other than old people and with that, though you are sad you know they have had a good long life and what more could anyone ask for only that!

therealdeal

I am in the same boat. When I was 16/7, A boy in my year committed suicide. This was the single biggest shock I have ever experienced. We were not best pals or anything: Just 2 people in the same year. I honestly cant explain why it has affect my life so much. I think about it almost daily: usually just a quick thought along the lines of... god if he was alive he could be playing soccer, going to work or out with friends etc.

I think it was so hard to accept because he was so popular, lots of girls me included liked him for his great sense of humour and lovely smile. He was incredibly popular with all the lads too and then one afternoon he just hung himself- no note- only a text message to his brother. Cruel.

Someone told me that his hands were completely red raw from trying to pull the rope off his neck at the last minute. This images haunts me and gives me nightmares. Its tragic: he decided to take his own life but then at the last second: he decided to continue living but it was too late. Breaks my heart writting about this years later.

I feel a certain sense of guilt and shame though because I am not a family member or a close friend. But his death has effected me more than when my own uncle died (brain clot) and it made me take a whole new perspective on the concept of life.

At the end of the day, we must forget material things- once you have your health and your family then you can be happy. I have spent thousands on my health the past year but hopefully one day I will get betr and live a happy life in peace with my bf and family.

If you lose someone to suicide, I think a piece of you dies too. Anytime I see his mother- I always think she is kind of just waiting for her time to come so she can be reunited with him again. There is such a sadness in her eyes: its tragic to see.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel. every single day, thinking of him, every time i hear certain songs i think of him, i remember at his 21st(7 months before he died) the song Tik Tok by Kesha came on and i dont even like the song and it upsets me every time i hear it. I often visit his grave by myself and just talk to him and i know its so stupid because he cant hear me but i just want this constant thoughts of him to go away, we were not close, barely spoke other than a passing hello. How can i ever say to someone his death is upsetting me when i lost an aunt at the same time and rarely think of her, what kinda person does this make me?

Lorna123

I can relate to all of this too. Recently I saw the death of a young man in the paper, who died from a totally unprovoked attack and honest to God I nearly had to get counselling to get over it. I didn't know the young man but he was so decent looking, not the type who would be involved in any kind of trouble at all. My heart just went out to his family and I suppose I was trying to come to terms with how he could be here one day and gone the next. The whole thing was heartbreaking. I don't know why I was effected so much by this and I wanted more and more information on the whole thing. Then I would cry when I would read it. Never reacted like this to any other death, to the extent that I have to stop myself reading about this type of story from now on. I can't risk getting so involved again or my life would not be worth living.

LegacyUser

I am familiar with that story and it is just awful that this happens! I hope the person responsible spends a long life in jail!

I find its all most upsetting when i am bored or alone and have time to think about these things. I want the person i know who died in 2010 to come back so much, i would do anything i just want to wreck the place i get so angry i want him back and want him back now. I want to believe i will see him again and i know i wont and i dunno what to do.

LegacyUser

It all seems to be getting worse and more unbearable

LegacyUser

i wish i could move on

robman60

feelingsad wrote: »

It all seems to be getting worse and more unbearable

I'm really sorry you feel this way.

Have you considered getting some counselling? Although you'll never forget about this death, you may be able to see things a little differently with someone else's perspective.

I really think you should tell a counsellor/some professional how you feel. I never did and I feel it kind of prolonged the way I felt.

Good luck, and remember a problem shared is a problem halved.

LegacyUser

i would be insterested in seeing one but to be honest dont know how to go about it?! also i dont want it to seem like its not a real problem

I am a friend

Go to the doctor for a referral to a counsellor... Not being mean but its now normal to be this upset, after all this time, about someone you barely know.

Best of luck.