Time spent with the kids

justme7136

Hello all
Just looking for a few opinions on this please,
A few months ago through the courts access was agreed for my kids, Friday 6pm til Saturday 6pm rotating weekly to Saturday 6pm til Sunday 6pm
Kids have had swimming on a Saturday at 10-11 which seems to be finished now at the moment anyway, gymnastics Saturday 2-3, football Sunday 10.30-12.30
This weekend gone i get a message to collect them from football on Friday at 7 and bring them to their new activity karate from 7-8
I feel my one day i get to see them each week is spent bringing them to the activites their mother has arranged for them , its not like im asked will i bring them to all this, its just this is what they have to go to and im being told to bring them
In court when i access was being agreed there was no mention of any of this, Also their mother is completely unreasable and would not allow me an inch if i wanted any more time or to take them for 2 nights and refuses to allow them holidays with me etc etc

Am i right to have a problem with this ????

Thanks

Daisy M

Regarding the holidays I would return to court and seek extra access for those times. As for the activities its a hard one. Do your children want to take part in these activities? Do they only take place at the weekends I presume they go to clubs where their friends attend and would not like to change to a different one during the week. This is about what is best for the children not you or your wife, do you think it would be beneficial to the kids to stop them going to these activities? I personally (though not separated) dont like the kids having something on every single evening after school as it tires them out I like to have a couple of their activities at the weekend.

Maybe you could get involved in the football training stay and supervise most clubs need extra help and you dont need to play to join in. Shared activities can really help keep the bond with your kids strong. Like wise with swimming stay and watch I always have. On the weeks there is no swimming take them to the pool and let them show you first hand their progress.

justme7136

Daisy M wrote: »

Regarding the holidays I would return to court and seek extra access for those times. As for the activities its a hard one. Do your children want to take part in these activities? Do they only take place at the weekends I presume they go to clubs where their friends attend and would not like to change to a different one during the week. This is about what is best for the children not you or your wife, do you think it would be beneficial to the kids to stop them going to these activities? I personally (though not separated) dont like the kids having something on every single evening after school as it tires them out I like to have a couple of their activities at the weekend.

Maybe you could get involved in the football training stay and supervise most clubs need extra help and you dont need to play to join in. Shared activities can really help keep the bond with your kids strong. Like wise with swimming stay and watch I always have. On the weeks there is no swimming take them to the pool and let them show you first hand their progress.

Thanks for the reply daisy

All fair comments, I just feel its not on to just be booking the kids into these without asking me as these are my days to spend with the kids as i please

yellowlabrador

Could you have a family meeting about it? The children need to have a voice . If they really enjoy their activities and you join in, it's winwin for them and for you. Your ex can then also not object if they want to do something else.

campo

I know how you feel OP in one hand you want the kids to enjoy themselves and if the like the clubs there in would not be fair to take them out but on the other hand its your time with them and when they are at these clubs you are missing out.

What I did was a started going to these clubs with them for example my boy plays for local soccer team every saturday morning and I go and watch him play and cheer him on etc which created a great bond for us and on a Sunday my girl goes to a art class again I joined in on this where we both do painting and stuff like that and she loves having a giggle of what I attempted so my advise is to try and join in as much as possible and give positive feedback when the kids are finished the club i,e tell the young lad how well he done at swimming and you noticed how fast he can swim etc they then in turn will enjoy there time more with you

Daisy M

justme7136 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply daisy

All fair comments, I just feel its not on to just be booking the kids into these without asking me as these are my days to spend with the kids as i please

Sorry I should have said that I dont think its fair, your ex should at least have the courtesy of running it by you and explaining if is something that the children really want to do or she feels may be beneficial. You are in a terrible situation and its unfair that you cant see more of your children (putting it mildly) but if you decide to try and stop the children going to their activities you will end up looking like the bad guy. Is it possible for you both to attend family mediation and get a parenting plan in place?

justme7136

campo wrote: »

I know how you feel OP in one hand you want the kids to enjoy themselves and if the like the clubs there in would not be fair to take them out but on the other hand its your time with them and when they are at these clubs you are missing out.

What I did was a started going to these clubs with them for example my boy plays for local soccer team every saturday morning and I go and watch him play and cheer him on etc which created a great bond for us and on a Sunday my girl goes to a art class again I joined in on this where we both do painting and stuff like that and she loves having a giggle of what I attempted so my advise is to try and join in as much as possible and give positive feedback when the kids are finished the club i,e tell the young lad how well he done at swimming and you noticed how fast he can swim etc they then in turn will enjoy there time more with you

I do allready go to their activities, I just felt a little pissed off being told how to spend our time together, I may well be in the wrong

campo

justme7136 wrote: »

I do allready go to their activities, I just felt a little pissed off being told how to spend our time together, I may well be in the wrong

No your not in the wrong the very same was done to me but kids did love the clubs they were in so I bit my lip

I would advise to try and get some extra time when they are on school hols etc

justme7136

Daisy M wrote: »

Sorry I should have said that I dont think its fair, your ex should at least have the courtesy of running it by you and explaining if is something that the children really want to do or she feels may be beneficial. You are in a terrible situation and its unfair that you cant see more of your children (putting it mildly) but if you decide to try and stop the children going to their activities you will end up looking like the bad guy. Is it possible for you both to attend family mediation and get a parenting plan in place?

Not a chance we dont really speak to each other, It wouldnt at all surprise me if the kids are being purposly put into these things to mess with our time together, I should have been just collecting my kids on friday evening from their nannys house, when that wasnt possible i ask to change the day to saturday and am told, Theirs other people in the childrens lives that will take the time to bring the kids to these activities and that i just couldnt be bothered. Its not like that

Sorry if im ranting

Abi

Justme, why don't you ask your kids if it is what they want to be doing? I mean, if she only has them enrolled in these clubs purely to have you running from A to B with them, surely the kids would have complained that they'd rather not go?

I know you're upset about this, but bear with me on this one. The weekend is also the childrens free time to do activities they wouldn't have time for during the week. All I can suggest for now, and assuming its not herself giving you the run around, get involved with everything they do where possible. As others have said, offer to help out at their clubs etc?

With regards to access, if I were you I'd go back to court and look for a variation of access, to discuss the holidays and try push for overnight stays. So long as you have enough room to have them sleep over, then I can't see what the problem is. In fact, if you were able to have them overnight over the weekend, it would probably be easier for you to take them to their early morning activities. If she claims she wants to be part of their activities, theres nothing to stop her showing up and being part of it also, unless of course she is just being difficult.

You were saying that you aren't on speaking terms, would you be able to talk her into family mediation? You're both these childrens parents at the end of the day, and in order to make the right decisions and keeping personal feelings towards one another at bay, there has to be a unity between parents. Whatever has gone on between you, there must be some part of her that realises your kids need to spend time with their father.

Back to court for variation of access I say, and if at all possible, try to build up some kind of a rapport with her. She might loosen the noose regarding stay-overs. I'm not saying kiss her ass or anything, just offer an olive branch maybe? If you tell her you want to do the best by your kids, she might agree to family mediation.

LegacyUser

Second taking to kids about their activities and maybe even finding some you can introduce them to so it's something that's totally a Daddy activity. The reality is most activities do tend to fall on the weekend and if it's not clubs and the like it will be friends birthdays or something else so while you might like to have 100% of their time during your set hours your going to find yourself sharing it with something.

Best to go with the flow and get into the activities but make sure to get involved not just with your kids at the activity but with the other parents as well. It helps to part of the parent loop so you know what activities are coming up, what days and hours they are running etc etc That way you'll be up to speed on whats happening and it would be pretty clear then if your ex is really picking those activities just to annoy you or wither they are really the only options or all your kids friends are taking the same ones.


Go back to courts to sort out further access.

Klingon Hamlet

Apply for free mediation through the Dublin District court if possible. All agreements/amendments can be made official afterwards in court. The more agreeable you are, the better your chances of coming up with an amicable solution.

Shellygoose

how long have your kids been in these activities OP? Were they enrolled before or after the court made the arrangement?

justme7136

Abi wrote: »

Justme, why don't you ask your kids if it is what they want to be doing? I mean, if she only has them enrolled in these clubs purely to have you running from A to B with them, surely the kids would have complained that they'd rather not go?

I know you're upset about this, but bear with me on this one. The weekend is also the childrens free time to do activities they wouldn't have time for during the week. All I can suggest for now, and assuming its not herself giving you the run around, get involved with everything they do where possible. As others have said, offer to help out at their clubs etc?

With regards to access, if I were you I'd go back to court and look for a variation of access, to discuss the holidays and try push for overnight stays. So long as you have enough room to have them sleep over, then I can't see what the problem is. In fact, if you were able to have them overnight over the weekend, it would probably be easier for you to take them to their early morning activities. If she claims she wants to be part of their activities, theres nothing to stop her showing up and being part of it also, unless of course she is just being difficult.

You were saying that you aren't on speaking terms, would you be able to talk her into family mediation? You're both these childrens parents at the end of the day, and in order to make the right decisions and keeping personal feelings towards one another at bay, there has to be a unity between parents. Whatever has gone on between you, there must be some part of her that realises your kids need to spend time with their father.

Back to court for variation of access I say, and if at all possible, try to build up some kind of a rapport with her. She might loosen the noose regarding stay-overs. I'm not saying kiss her ass or anything, just offer an olive branch maybe? If you tell her you want to do the best by your kids, she might agree to family mediation.

Thanks abi, I think il just do that, let the kids decide. If they want to go fair enough
I do allready have them overnight btw
I think i just got a little freaked out at the time, good to get peoples opinions all the same

justme7136

Shellygoose wrote: »

how long have your kids been in these activities OP? Were they enrolled before or after the court made the arrangement?

Some were beforehand which i feel should have been mentioned in the court when the aggreement was being written
And karate just added this weekend gone, which would have been nice to ask me if it would be ok if i could take them
I think its just decent manners that are lacking, if i was to tell their mother i signed them up for scuba diving and she had to bring them on a wednesday evening there would be murder, now thats an idea :rolleyes:

Abi

justme7136 wrote: »

Thanks abi, I think il just do that, let the kids decide. If they want to go fair enough

Good stuff if one of them says anything about not wanting to go, tell them its their choice, because it is at the end of the day. It's not right to force interests or hobbies on a child, and if this is what the mother is doing to cause problems for you, then I probably wouldn't take the child.

If they're happy out, just go with the flow

I do allready have them overnight btw
I think i just got a little freaked out at the time, good to get peoples opinions all the same

Sorry, I missed that completely I'm glad you're getting to have them over anyway.

I think you're worried about that the mother is putting her feelings towards you first, rather than the childrens best interests. You still may not be wrong on that front. As I said earlier, you're better off going back to court to get some time over the holidays with the kids set in stone. I think you'll feel a bit happier with the set up then

James Jones

It's not just you, Justme. It happens but I'm sure it's great crack to watch. I remember when I collected the children on different days on different weeks due to the shift I work, they were actually engaged in a different activity every day (7 activities a week!). Irish dancing stopped when I arranged for my daughter to attend the classes on different days when I was collecting her. The same happened with my son attending Ju-Jitsu. It's a control issue. I would put a stop to the Karate before it gets established.
Also, two activities in one day is too much for most children.