New Baby/Row and Disagreements with inlaws

Daisy M

You are the op! Its what the person who opens the thread is called, when I referred to op in my post I was referring to you! So I think you need to sort things with your wife and you both need to realise that your marriage and baby come first.

Dad11

Oh I realise that but we will talk in a few weeks etc

Daisy M wrote: »

You are the op! Its what the person who opens the thread is called, when I referred to op in my post I was referring to you! So I think you need to sort things with your wife and you both need to realise that your marriage and baby come first.

doubletrouble?

[QUOTE=Dad11;77266004 What do you mean by op ?[/QUOTE] dad11 op mean the original poster or the person that starts a thread.. alot of posters use that jargon to save on typing.

Dad11

My wife and I are struggling to get past the issues with her family. She does not see my side at all. I think we need counselling, but she refuses to go. I can see.us heading in one.way. Divorce. Dunno what to.do here!

doubletrouble? wrote: »

[QUOTE=Dad11;77266004 What do you mean by op ?

dad11 op mean the original poster or the person that starts a thread.. alot of posters use that jargon to save on typing.[/Quote]

Squiggler

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Dad11

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

pwurple

Dad11, how old is the baby? New babies can cause a bit of a shift in any relationship, and everyone needs to readjust. Time can make a big difference here. Your wife in particular has a whole new perspective on things, her own relationship with her parents will also have changed. And you are both adjusting to looking after a new human being. There are all these extra responsibilities, more things to remember (baby naps, feeds, changes, clothes) and she may be missing out on meals, missing out on sleep, and generally be cranky from all of it. She has also just come out of a pregnancy I assume, so she will generally be a bit run down and not feeling herself yet. (Growing a baby takes a lot out of you!). Hormones could be going gaga as well in the background. I know our baby was a year old before I started coming back to feeling normal. She has a lot going on, and no doubt sees counselling at the very bottom of the pile of priorities. Baby's needs comes first now in her mind, not you anymore.

You threatening her with divorce at this time isn't going to do your relationship any favours at all. You both need to support each other at this time, and if she isn't being as supportive as you like, then you will have to be the rock she leans on for a while until things settle a bit.

Give it time.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Sounds like the mother in law is the problem. I could find strong words to describe what she might be, but the most reasonable one I shall use is 'controlling'.

And she's probably always been that way with all the family in her control.

Your account of things sounds reasonable and well balanced.

You have to distance yourself from your inlaws. geographically as well as emotionally.

Your wife needs to as well. It's a tough call, but in my opinion, your wife is being controlled as well.

If a child was not involved it would be a lot easier.

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Squiggler

It's a horrible situation to find yourself in. I really can't understand her attitude or behaviour. Is it possible to try to explain how it feels from your point of view? Can you give her a hypothetical reverse situation run through... with your family treating her the way you're being treated and ask her how she would expect you to behave in that situation?

You definitely need to make it clear to her that you feel the way you do, that she can either help to patch things up with her family, and focus on your relationship and family, or you will leave.

Were there no warning signs of any of this before you married? Maybe I'm weird but it's always something I've been conscious of, the dynamic of an OH's family. My husband's Mum has major interfering/nosy/not understanding boundaries tendancies, and that is why we live nearly 2000 miles away (hubby's choice, but one I completely supported). From a distance we can get on just fine and we can just about survive a few weeks a year of her company without falling out.

I really hope that you and your wife are able to get back on the same page, for your sake, hers and your baby's. If/when you do get things sorted I do recommend moving a little further away from them

pwurple

Yeah Yeah Yeah wrote: »

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Sorry Yeah yeah yeah, but I think this would be a terrible thing to do at this point. New Baby.

Here's how this works... Woman meets man, they fall in love... get married, all fab. Baby comes along, woman realises she only liked the man, that wasn't love at all, Baby is real love. Baby baby baby.

If you make her chose between baby and man, she will chose baby. Sorry.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

In my opinion, some people are beyond empathy.

For those with empathy it is hard to comprehend that others can be so unconcillatory and cold.

In general terms google 'psychopath'.

It is becoming increasingly accepted that a percentage of the population hitherto described as socio paths would be better described as psychopaths.

I'm not saying that this is the case, only you can make that evaluation.

But if you are dealing with someone of that nature, in my opinion, no amount of counselling, arbitration etc, will do any good.

Must be a desperate situation for you, but it sounds like your only option is to succumb to the control of the in laws or get the hell out.

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

Squiggler wrote: »

Really sorry to hear that. Does your wife realise that is what you're thinking?

Yeah Yeah Yeah

No need to be sorry pwpurple. I agree with you.

But it seems like the wife is making a decision in favour of the mother in law, and not in the best interest of the husband and child. Of course the best interest of the child comes first.

But I don't think for a minute that all mothers in the world always make decisions in the best interest of their children. Especially if she is in someone else's control.

And if what you have suggested is true, that the wife has fallen out of love with husband , then of course the decision is a lot clearer. The welfare of the child is paramount.

pwurple wrote: »

Yeah Yeah Yeah wrote: »

If you love your wife , emigrate or move as far away as you can.

If she loves you she will go with you.

The ball is in her court.

Sorry Yeah yeah yeah, but I think this would be a terrible thing to do at this point. New Baby.

Here's how this works... Woman meets man, they fall in love... get married, all fab. Baby comes along, woman realises she only liked the man, that wasn't love at all, Baby is real love. Baby baby baby.

If you make her chose between baby and man, she will chose baby. Sorry.

Kash

I've read over all the threads, and perhaps my synopsis is wrong, but what I am reading is:

a) you have a brand new baby (congratulations!!)
b) you have had one serious argument with your inlaws within a 12 year period (which has not yet been resolved despite an (insincere?) apology
c) your wife thinks that your stance on this argument is unreasonable, whilst you think it is justified.
d) you are considering emigration and/or divorce as a response to this.

It reeks of an emotional over-reaction in my opinion.

Even if you believe that you were 100% in the right, surely you can take a step back, and just move on with your life? If it is your inlaws who are in the wrong, they will come round, and if they don't, well, so be it. Your wife and you do not see eye to eye on this one? Again, so be it. Agree to disagree and say no more about it. Be reasonable and open, and treat her and her family with respect. No need to apologise further if you already feel you have done it properly, but no point in antagonising them either. Being civil is something anybody can do, and at the end of the day you should be concentrating on your wife and child - they have ties here that won't be easily broken.

A few people mentioned sending flowers, which you perceive as grovelling. It is clear that you do not wish to grovel, but perhaps you would consider extending a truce flag... in the interests of your child?

Daisy M

Dad11 wrote: »

My wife and I are struggling to get past the issues with her family. She does not see my side at all. I think we need counselling, but she refuses to go. I can see.us heading in one.way. Divorce. Dunno what to.do here!

Are you really considering ending your marriage over this, seems very drastic to me. I think you need to step back a little and calm down your mother in law is controlling you right now more than she ever has and this is your own doing.
Do you love your wife, does it not tear you apart thinking that you may not be a part of your childs life every day? This all seems blown out of proportion. What is your wife saying you are not clear on that at all, does she believe that her mother and family are no way to blame and the fault is all yours?

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work

I'm sorry but for you to threaten your wife with divorce at this stage in your child's life makes you seem hotheaded, stubborn, insensitive and someone who is prone to massive over-reaction, and it makes me wonder exactly how your wife's family would tell the story of the argument with your mother-in-law and the days that followed. The fact that your wife's siblings are against you and your wife can see where they are all coming from, gives the impression that there is maybe more to this story than you are allowing yourself to see.

For one I can't imagine how it was for your wife when you moved out of the house she and your son were living in. This seems to be what her siblings are so mad at you for, so it seems that your wife was incredibly upset by this. And people aren't stupid, they know an insincere apology when they are given one. They see you as hotheaded and inconsiderate to your wife at a time when she was vulnerable and emotional. They see that you don't really see anything wrong in your actions and at this point it's likely they know that you want to move your family away and are threatening your wife with divorce. No wonder they don't like you.

I'm not saying this is all your fault, not at all, I'm sure the mother-in-law was out of line and her behaviours provoked the argument. I'm also of the opinion that what goes on between you and your wife is not their business. If your wife forgives you, they need to get over it. But arguments and fall outs are rarely completely one sided and I think even by your own account some of your behaviours were wrong, so you need to actually start looking at what happened through everyone else's eyes and consider the part you played in the problem. You also need to stop letting this situation interfere with your marriage. Lots of people have major rifts with their in-laws but they keep that out of their own house as much as possible.

Dad11

Hi all,

I have made a very sincere and heartfelt apology, which has been rejected. I was threatened by brother in law and wife's nephew all while handling my child which I feel is very serious. I feel my wife should have backed my stance on the issue, regardless if she agreed with me or not. Privately she can say what she wants to me etc etc. I am not considering emigration. However I have seen a side to them that is making me rethink my feelings towards them.

I will be honest here. I have always felt the mother to be a bit controlling and interfering etc. I didn't address that until now. I feel the way I dealt with that situation could have been better. I have apologised for that!

I understand that a woman is emotional after pregnancy and there is a shift in a relationship. I also understand that the little baby is priority! However I cant excuse my wife taking the side of her family over me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would not allow my inlaws to treat her in that way. I excused her reaction based on her being emotional after pregnancy however I thought as time moves on she would be more reasonable on the events etc. However this does not seem to be the case. So there are issues between us that remain and are causing huge tensions. There are trust issues between us after the events that happened. I told my wife that I married her not her family. She seemed to reject this. So unless things change very soon. This is gonna end badly. I am desperate to keep everyone together etc

Dad11

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

However I cant excuse my wife taking the side of her family over me.

This isn't the reading I'm taking of this. She didn't side with them, they sided with her. As far as your wife is concerned you walked out on her when she had a week old baby. She told you that was how she felt, you ignored her and left. Her family then took her side because, lets get real here, they were the ones at home with her, dealing with the fall out of your actions. Now you are reacting as if you are the one wronged by your wife and are waiting for her be more reasonable? Seriously?

I don't think anyone really cares any more about the initial argument but you. Everyone else seems focussed on the distress you caused your wife when you left.

It doesn't seem like anyone here has acted perfectly. Maybe your wife should have trued harder to understand why you were leaving and that you were in no way leaving her. But she had just given birth and was now about to lose your support with the young baby throughout most of the days and all of the nights. You acted really, really badly when you walked out on her when she clearly did not want you to. If you can't see that you are very blind.

iguana

Dad11 wrote: »

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

Squiggler asked you if your wife knew you were thinking you were headed toward divorce and you responded with:

"Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work"

Dad11

Let me.clarify. I didnt threaten my wife.with.Divorce. I said to my wife that if we dont.resolve this things are.heading in one direction, Divorce. I didn't threaten her. I wouldn't.do that!

iguana wrote: »

Dad11 wrote: »

I have not even spoken to my wife about a divorce.

Squiggler asked you if your wife knew you were thinking you were headed toward divorce and you responded with:

"Yes I have said it. I don't think she thinks I an serious. Trying everything.here. Nothing seems to work"

cofy

Dear Dad11.

I have read this thread for the first time today. I am a mother who was in the same position as you. I was not with my husband (then fiance) as long as you have before the true colours came shining through, so I understand a little of the shock you must have gotton.

I don't know if it is too late to suggest this but here goes anyway. You have apologized, but with an apology must come a willingness to draw a line under what has happened, otherwise it will just eat you up.

If there is an issue with interference in the future, try to camly, explain where you are coming from. For me it's taken about 3 years. I have tried not to give them anything to complain about. The hardest thing was not stopping my children from seeing their grandmother as she regularly tried to undermine me in front of them. But explaining my side of things eventually wore her down. At the start she used the phrase "You have a peg for every hole", which was just greeted with a smile.

What I am trying to say is maybe being right is less important than keeping your family together.

I hope this helps and the best of luck to you and your family.

Daisy M

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind. In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

Kash

If my husband were to say to me that we were headed for divorce if we could not resolve (insert scenario of your choosing here), then I would certainly see it as being threatened with divorce. I think most people would. Especially as you do not seem willing to give an inch yourself, instead you are effectively saying to her "Change your mind, or else I'm leaving you." It's emotional blackmail, and is morally reprehensible at the best of times. So, putting myself in her shoes (somethng I recommend you try), I can see why your wife and her family are upset.

The majority of people on here, some with experiences incredibly similar to your own, have advised you to let bygones be bygones, to build a bridge, and get the hell over it.

However, on a number of occasions on this thread you have taken issue with one small comment or another in a reply and completely disregarded the rest of the advice.

So, it sounds to me like you are not looking for advice, but instead are looking for validation for your actions/intended actions. Is that it?

Dad11

Thank you Kash your feedback is appreciated

Dad11

Hi Daisy M this is a good summary of what has happened. The only reason I went back to our own house was to remove the tension that was around the child. I explained this to my wife. She said I should not have left. Her issue was that I abandoned them. I said to my wife that abandon is a very emotive word and not correct. I accepted how she felt and I apologised if my actions upset her. I explained that I went back to our house to remove tensions from house etc. thinking of my son and mother. After all if it was my house I would have thrown the mother in law out on her ear. My wife believes that I should not have spoke to my mother the way I did that she did not deserve it. I have acknowledged I could have handled that better etc.

Daisy M wrote: »

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind. In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

Moonbeam

Are your parents and siblngs still around?
DO they get a chance to visit the baby?

iguana

Daisy M wrote: »

Dad11 I think that your posts are a little disjointed which is leading people here to the wrong conclusion, the story is been told in dribs and drabs and is not very clear.

However the picture I am getting is you and your MIL had a row not a huge one just an exchange of words you didnt abuse or threaten her but you moved back to your own house leaving your wife and child behind.*** In the following days your inlaws got involved and tried to stop you seeing your child (and wife?).
You were threatened by your inlaws in the presence of your child (and wife?).
You and your wife made up she came home, you apologised to her mother which was not accepted, and now you want as little to do with them as possible. However your wife will not admit her family was wrong and is blaming you.

Is it really as clear cut as this, what exactly does your wife think you have done wrong, how does she condone her own familys behaviour, it doesnt make sense. Is it possible your wife just wants everything to go back to normal and knows her family wont give in so she is putting the pressure on you?
You say your wife wont consider councelling but you need someone to mediate, is there a friend or neutral sensible family member whom you could both trust who could do this?

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

Daisy M

iguana wrote: »

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

Sorry I wasnt delibertly leaving it out I was trying to get a coherent summary together. I would feel abandoned too in this instance and I wouldnt understand how my husband could bear to be parted from me and our new born. I would be extremely hurt. It seems to me that the wife got a pretty raw deal here, she has a new baby and basically her mother and husband cant control their tempers and dont show her any consideration and have a row. People have mentioned emotions would be running high at this time surely (and speaking from experience with 3 children) emotions are on a high and even though all involved would be tired the excitement of a new baby usually creates a good mood.

What I cant understand in all of this is why a mother would add to her daughters distress. She sounds extremely selfish and controlling. The op did apologise with he says sincerity its not normal that that would not e accepted there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Op how long did you stay in your inlaws house and how long did your wife remain after you left?

Shane Fitz

iguana wrote: »

***You are leaving out the part where his wife felt that he was abandoning her and was incredibly upset about it. And the that the reason his in-laws are mad at him is because they were left with a daughter/sister who was felt abandoned just after having a baby.

And it is that which is the actual crux of the issue as far as I can tell.

All true, but lest you forget, the OP says he was threatened by his wife's brother and nephew.
At the very least, the wife needs to address this with her own family.


Oh and Dad11, you may not have directly threatened your wife with divorce, but it was implied.

Dad11

Guys in total it was 11 days. I went home to our house after 9 days. The reason we were in Mother In Laws house was we were having work done at our own house which lasted longer than normal etc. Can I just say that I have apologised to my wife over how she felt and explained that I was making the best decision for Mum and Baby as I felt I could no longer be under the same roof as Mother In Law (I also said that if I knew that me going to our house would have caused her so much hurt I would have stayed) The mother in law became a bit physical with me in terms of poking me in the chest, that was when I said it would be best if I was not here. The mother in law was taking over, criticising everything that I was doing, she done this for three years and I lost it. I wish I sat down with her and explained my issues in more calm way. I have said this to everyone in the family. My wife stayed there 2 days longer than me and I couldnt really get to see my son during this time at any stage etc

Daisy M wrote: »

Sorry I wasnt delibertly leaving it out I was trying to get a coherent summary together. I would feel abandoned too in this instance and I wouldnt understand how my husband could bear to be parted from me and our new born. I would be extremely hurt. It seems to me that the wife got a pretty raw deal here, she has a new baby and basically her mother and husband cant control their tempers and dont show her any consideration and have a row. People have mentioned emotions would be running high at this time surely (and speaking from experience with 3 children) emotions are on a high and even though all involved would be tired the excitement of a new baby usually creates a good mood.

What I cant understand in all of this is why a mother would add to her daughters distress. She sounds extremely selfish and controlling. The op did apologise with he says sincerity its not normal that that would not e accepted there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Op how long did you stay in your inlaws house and how long did your wife remain after you left?