New Baby/Row and Disagreements with inlaws

looksee

I know this is going back into history a bit, but who's (daft!) idea was it to get the kitchen fitted, necessitating moving out of the house, exactly at the time the baby was due? You had at very least 6 months notice of the arrival of the baby, it should have been done well before, or left till well after.

Who's idea was it to go and live with the inlaws? How much pressure did that put on them, sounds as though there is a bit of a crowd there anyway.

How long were you supposed to be there, did that extend?

How much (be honest) did crying baby, late feeds, tired new parents etc impact on the routine of the house?

If any of this was down to your own management then I think maybe you should consider how defensive you might have been during your stay there. Its easy to complain about interfering inlaws, but you put yourselves there in the center of their lives, in a situation where you could not say, 'good night folks, we need time to ourselves'.

I think maybe you need to stop talking to us and get some counselling for you both. But mostly I think you need to stop worrying about your own feelings and let the whole thing defuse while you learn to enjoy your new baby, and build on your relationship.

Edit, some of my points were answered while I was writing this.

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Dad11 wrote: »

The mother in law was taking over, criticising everything that I was doing, she done this for three years and I lost it. I wish I sat down with her and explained my issues in more calm way. I have said this to everyone in the family. My wife stayed there 2 days longer than me and I couldnt really get to see my son during this time at any stage etc

Thanks for update:

So where do you stand now? Who is talking to who? What was the reaction when you spoke to the rest of the family?

Any resolution in sight?

username123

looksee wrote: »

Its easy to complain about interfering inlaws, but you put yourselves there in the center of their lives, in a situation where you could not say, 'good night folks, we need time to ourselves'.

Yes, I couldnt agree more.

Its confusing but I gather that OP was never happy with MILs level of nosy busy body behaviour and when it all came to a head it just so happened to be the unfortunate time when OP, wife and new baby were staying in MILs house. Why on earth OP subjected himself to stay in MILs house with new baby baffles me. Some leeway should be given, MIL may be a busy body but she is entitled to behave however she likes in her own home and if OP doesnt like her behaviour - well he didnt have to go there in the first place.

The abandoning the wife scenario - I personally think thats pretty awful. MIL interferes and wife and baby get punished. I dont like that, it smacks of non diplomacy and thinking of oneself selfishly at a time when the wife and baby need support.

MIL not accepting apology - well feck her, you apologised - so what if she doesnt want to accept it - is it really worth moving house or divorcing over? I mean seriously?

Threats from wives family - Im confused about this, were they actually threatening you with violence while you were holding your child or were they just shouting at you to shut up in the row with MIL or what?
Its not acceptable at all if threatened with violence (holding baby or not), but if things had become heated and they were just mouthing off then not such a big deal.

I wasnt there so I dont know how you spoke to your MIL but your wife must feel strongly about it if she still thinks you were wrong and MIL wont accept apology - I feel we are not getting whole story here.

As to the future, stop talking about divorce and moving house, try and support your wife and new baby and let the dust settle. You cannot expect to resolve anything if you are telling your wife that either things get sorted or you two get divorced - relationships and marriages are about compromise - from both sides - your wife similarly needs to support you.

the_syco

Dad11 wrote: »

Their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired so I have made an apology that has been rejected, I dont see myself giving flowers as that would appear to be grovelling in my back

Get the wife to help you pick the flowers; it'll show her that you are trying to make amends, and when it gets rebutted, your wife will see that you have tried to make amends. It may also get the wife to help make amends.

Dad11 wrote: »

I said to my wife that if we dont.resolve this things are.heading in one direction, Divorce.

You didn't threaten? Was she meant to see that as a joke??? No matter what way you meant it, that would be seen as a threat or some type!

Shane Fitz wrote: »

All true, but lest you forget, the OP says he was threatened by his wife's brother and nephew.

The OP was threatened by them after he had abandoned them. No matter the reason OP, you left them, and they probably didn't think too highly of their sister/aunt being abandoned.

Dad11

I will upload the whole story in the best detail that I can very soon!

looksee

Honestly OP? Don't. Its a fascinating thread for those of us on the sidelines who are chucking in advice on a subject we know very little about, its like a soap opera. But really I don't think that dragging it over and over in this kind of thread is doing you and your relationship any good.

Within the boundaries of what you have told us we have offered opinions. A good few of them seem to suggest you should really consider your own behaviour rather than seeking to blame others. Probably the truth is somewhere between the two.

We can't get very much further though because we don't know whether you are seeking to improve your own image, or whether you are telling exact truths. You are the only one who can figure that one out, and continuing to retell the story till you get the answer you want is no help to any one.

Be aware that in your situation at the moment it would not be unheard of for you to be doing a bit of 'attention seeking'. You were the center of your wife's life, now you are having to share her. Could this incident be offering you an opportunity to keep saying - look at me, be nice to me, I'm being hard done by! Yes I know that is a bit unkind, and very likely its not the case, but it is a very common issue!

My offering? Just drop it for now. Forget it, get on with your new situation, support your wife, get to know your new baby. Don't try and press her to take sides, avoid the inlaws as far as reasonably possible so that you don't offend each other. Let it go, you have something far more important to occupy you.

Hannibal Smith

Dad11 wrote: »

I have always been very close to my wife's family. They have always been supportive and very helpful and over the years I did actually grow closer to wife's family over my own family.

Because of this ^^ I got from your initial post that you were trying to get back to how things were. Now you're talking about divorcing your wife and moving house

What advice were you looking for in your opening post?

doubletrouble?

O.P. i re-read you original post and i have to say i sympathize with you 100%. folks theres replies after replies on this some siding with the O.P. others not so, at the end of it all he was poked therefore assaulted in his mother in-laws home and she probably did it with no witnesses around. he married his wife not her family. unfortuantely this is a way of life. he goes on to say he left her and returned to their home. his and his wife's palace where they rule the roost. i would'nt say he abandoned her. i would say he got out of a hostile situation where things could've got alot worse if he had stayed. his wife had a choice of either to stay with her family or go home wither her husband and child. she chose to stay making the situation even worse so much so that threats have been made.
i'd say the O.P. is still very upset and is just blowing off some steam. in life we all say things to our partners which 99% of the time are said in the heat of the moment. and i'd bet that includes the O.P. divorcing his wife. i've been there recently myself ( not the divorcing bit but an over bearing mother in-law whom i thought the world of up until the twins were born). up until the twins were born myself and my wife rarely had a bad word to say to each other. now it's never ending again it's all in the heat of the moment and we dont mean what we say. nobody tells you how stressful it is having a child and if they do it's alot worse than it's made out.when my mother in law comes over i just go and do things around the house whether it's washing baby bottles, making the dinner basically anything to keep me busy for as long as possible.
hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

Daisy M

Personally I dont think the real issue here is the row the op had with his MI.L I think its how his wife appears to completly believe her family have done no wrong. I can understand her not wanting to argue with them and maybe letting bad behaviour go unchallenged, but if she refuses to even acknowledge that her family behaved appallingly then where does her marriage go from there? Does it mean that everytime the op and his wife have issues or choose to do something the inlaws dont approve of the op will have to put up and shut up in order to keep the peace?

Like most people I have had to compromise when dealing with my inlaws. Again we had no issues until we had our first child and then it was always like they knew best. We learned pretty early on not to inform them of any decisions we were making until the deed was done, this worked for us because we were both in agreement on how we would get there. Dont get me wrong it took a while to get there it wasnt until they tried to arrange an alternative childminder to the one we had arranged and threw a suprise first birthday party for our oldest without asking/telling us and doing it on a day I would be working, that we said enough. We didnt confront them just said to each other enough and changed how involved we let them be. I just dont know how the op and his wife can sort this if she cant see the problem. Do other posters really think he should swallow his pride and beg the MIL forgiveness? How will this work longterm is it really a viable option?

Hannibal Smith

doubletrouble? wrote: »

hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

I guess only the OP can answer that. It's just usually when people specifically say in their post that they're looking for advice, it kind of leads me to think that that's what they're looking for But lets not let symantics detract from the point.

Hannibal Smith

Daisy M wrote: »

Do other posters really think he should swallow his pride and beg the MIL forgiveness? How will this work longterm is it really a viable option?

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

Daisy M

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

I think he would be willing to let this argument go and if the MIL was willing would move on leaving it in the past. But he is now more aware that the MIL is controlling and interfering and doesnt want that in future. His wife on the other hand sees no problem and would allow her mother to continue as before something the op cant accept.
If the ops wife looks at the situation and see no problem with her mothers behaviour and is 100% sure her husband is overreacting and the op looks at the situation and truly believes the Mil is interfering and controlling and he is in no way to blame, where do they go from here? Like the op I would think counselling would help but again his wife says no. Unless he can get her to change her mind he has 3 options, 1 put up and shut up, 2 argue everytime inlaws interfere 3 leave. What do you think?

Dad11

Yes they around and yes they do visit!

Moonbeam wrote: »

Are your parents and siblngs still around?
DO they get a chance to visit the baby?

Dad11

Thank you. Finally someone who understands! What I have learnt from these boards is people draw very different conclusions from same piece of text. In relation to me abandoning my wife and child I didnt see it like that. Doubletrouble I think you came from inside my head. In relation to going back to the way things were before, well I dont want that, but ignoring each other.especially when we all live so close is gonna be difficult etc. I mean the MIL was babysitting today as Mam needed some sleep. I texted the MIL and asked how my son was. She ignored me. She seems like a very imature person to me and bad minded. Hate the thought og my son with her. If she can be like that what else she capable of?

doubletrouble? wrote: »

O.P. i re-read you original post and i have to say i sympathize with you 100%. folks theres replies after replies on this some siding with the O.P. others not so, at the end of it all he was poked therefore assaulted in his mother in-laws home and she probably did it with no witnesses around. he married his wife not her family. unfortuantely this is a way of life. he goes on to say he left her and returned to their home. his and his wife's palace where they rule the roost. i would'nt say he abandoned her. i would say he got out of a hostile situation where things could've got alot worse if he had stayed. his wife had a choice of either to stay with her family or go home wither her husband and child. she chose to stay making the situation even worse so much so that threats have been made.
i'd say the O.P. is still very upset and is just blowing off some steam. in life we all say things to our partners which 99% of the time are said in the heat of the moment. and i'd bet that includes the O.P. divorcing his wife. i've been there recently myself ( not the divorcing bit but an over bearing mother in-law whom i thought the world of up until the twins were born). up until the twins were born myself and my wife rarely had a bad word to say to each other. now it's never ending again it's all in the heat of the moment and we dont mean what we say. nobody tells you how stressful it is having a child and if they do it's alot worse than it's made out.when my mother in law comes over i just go and do things around the house whether it's washing baby bottles, making the dinner basically anything to keep me busy for as long as possible.
hannibal i dont think the O.P. is looking for advice just someone to listen to them and understand. i suppose it's why most people post in boards.

Hannibal Smith

Daisy M wrote: »

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

No, he shouldn't beg forgiveness, but from the OP I got the impression that he wanted things to go back to some semblence of how they were, and if that's the case, yes, swallow his pride and just move things on with a kind gesture.

But as that's not what he wants then, there's nothing more he can do, is there?

I think he would be willing to let this argument go and if the MIL was willing would move on leaving it in the past. But he is now more aware that the MIL is controlling and interfering and doesnt want that in future. His wife on the other hand sees no problem and would allow her mother to continue as before something the op cant accept.
If the ops wife looks at the situation and see no problem with her mothers behaviour and is 100% sure her husband is overreacting and the op looks at the situation and truly believes the Mil is interfering and controlling and he is in no way to blame, where do they go from here? Like the op I would think counselling would help but again his wife says no. Unless he can get her to change her mind he has 3 options, 1 put up and shut up, 2 argue everytime inlaws interfere 3 leave. What do you think?

It's impossible to say DaisyM. I have the exact same problems as the OP, but its with my mother, not my MiL so I have no choice, I have to put up and shut up.

But whilst there's a stalemate nothings going to progress. So it looks like its going to be option 4 everything stays like it is now.

looksee

There you are then, solution! Answer as desired.

(Of course MIL may not have heard phone/ been changing baby/ making feeds /forgot)

cofy

Dad11 wrote: »

Their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired so I have made an apology that has been rejected, I dont see myself giving flowers as that would appear to be grovelling in my back, and in some way would in some way be vindicating them. As I said I dont regret what I said or how I felt, I regret how I said it!

Do you really consider this a sincere apology? Are you really surprised this was not accepted.

I understand you feel you were right, but your wife and her family, more than likely, feel that your need to be right, and need to be seen to be right is far more important to you than her mother, who is probably an elderly person.

Daisy M

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

It's impossible to say DaisyM. I have the exact same problems as the OP, but its with my mother, not my MiL so I have no choice, I have to put up and shut up.

But whilst there's a stalemate nothings going to progress. So it looks like its going to be option 4 everything stays like it is now.

I kindof see your option 4 as been my option 2!!
I think for now the op should let it be with his wife. Their baby is very young and there is enough to deal with. The MIL is been extremely childish in not answering yor text. Next time she is minding and you feel the need to check up send a text saying:
"hope baby is ok, dont worry about replying unless you have any problems or anything you need to check with me, I know your busy minding thnks for giving xxxxxx the break mch appreciated"

This way you are removing the control from her she (in her head) cant leave you hanging as you wont be expecting a reply. The woman is playing a game so now I think of it there is an option 4 play her at her own game except better. If you dont do anything "wrong" are seemingly accepting of the situation and are moving on, maybe your wife may see her mothers behaviour especially if she continues to badmouth you. Normally I would say dont play games but in this case maybe it could be a temporary solution?

iguana

Whatever about anything else, it's not fair on you for your son to be left in the care of someone who you aren't comfortable with entrusting his care to. Both parents should always be in agreement about who is allowed have responsibility for their children.

Dad11

Thanks to everyone for their input much appreciated. Some really.good people here thanks for taking the time out to respond!

username123

Dad11 wrote: »

Thank you. Finally someone who understands! What I have learnt from these boards is people draw very different conclusions from same piece of text. In relation to me abandoning my wife and child I didnt see it like that. Doubletrouble I think you came from inside my head. In relation to going back to the way things were before, well I dont want that, but ignoring each other.especially when we all live so close is gonna be difficult etc. I mean the MIL was babysitting today as Mam needed some sleep. I texted the MIL and asked how my son was. She ignored me. She seems like a very imature person to me and bad minded. Hate the thought og my son with her. If she can be like that what else she capable of?

Why are you allowing your child to be minded by someone who is behaving this way? Im sorry, but if you are unable to check on your child with whoever is minding him then that person should never ever be allowed to be minding him.

Dad11

I feel very sad that this has happened, but I agree with you, and this has been communicated to that person who has refused to co-operate so my son will no longer cared for by this person.

username123 wrote: »

Why are you allowing your child to be minded by someone who is behaving this way? Im sorry, but if you are unable to check on your child with whoever is minding him then that person should never ever be allowed to be minding him.

Shane Fitz

Dad11 wrote: »

I feel very sad that this has happened, but I agree with you, and this has been communicated to that person who has refused to co-operate so my son will no longer cared for by this person.

I'm assuming by this you have discussed WITH your wife about your mother in law not answering the text and you wife is in AGREEMENT with the decision that her mother will no longer babysit for you???

Hannibal Smith

Shane Fitz wrote: »

I'm assuming by this you have discussed WITH your wife about your mother in law not answering the text and you wife is in AGREEMENT with the decision that her mother will no longer babysit for you???

I have to say...if my mother in law refused to respond to me while minding my child (unless she didn't hear the phone etc) I wouldn't let her baby sit either, regardless of what my husband said.

Shane Fitz

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I have to say...if my mother in law refused to respond to me while minding my child (unless she didn't hear the phone etc) I wouldn't let her baby sit either, regardless of what my husband said.

Oh I agree with you!!
My point was, If the OP's wife was on board with this decision, then it's a step in the right direction to getting through this situation.
If she is not,it's just another fight waiting to happen. And then it will be seen by all the in-laws as another reason to cause trouble.

Dad11

Yes my wife is onboard. My wife is very annoyed at this and has told MIL and this behaviour is unreasonable and unacceptable!


{QUOTE=Shane Fitz;77365720]Oh I agree with you!!
My point was, If the OP's wife was on board with this decision, then it's a step in the right direction to getting through this situation.
If she is not,it's just another fight waiting to happen. And then it will be seen by all the in-laws as another reason to cause trouble.[/QUOTE]

Squiggler

Sounds like you are beginning to make some progress then.

The only advice I can give you is to keep talking to your wife, be as civil and polite as you can to her family, don't let yourself get drawn into any more arguments and focus on YOUR family - your wife and your baby. They're the most important people in this situation.

Irish Mammies can be a nightmare, but if you and your wife present a united front (as others here have done in similar circumstances) they can be tamed

Good luck!

Dad11

I am not talking to anyone of them we are avoiding each other.

Squiggler wrote: »

Sounds like you are beginning to make some progress then.

The only advice I can give you is to keep talking to your wife, be as civil and polite as you can to her family, don't let yourself get drawn into any more arguments and focus on YOUR family - your wife and your baby. They're the most important people in this situation.

Irish Mammies can be a nightmare, but if you and your wife present a united front (as others here have done in similar circumstances) they can be tamed

Good luck!

Dad11

Tonight has been a disaster! My wife spent the day in her mother's. We argued for a while today because her brother who threatened me apparently was storing some furniture in our shed. I had agreed to this a few weeks ago, however after the threat and me explaining to my wife that he was not welcome in my house unless he apologised. I had assumed that my wife would have worked it out for herself that that previous agreement was a non runner. Not today though I was told that I had to accept it. Eventually my wife backed down. Now when I come home my wife is giving out saying she does not have time to be dealing with clothes etc. I just mentioned that she was in her mother's from 6.5 hours so that would explain it! My wife got very angry and abusive! I was trying to talk calmly. She.kept calling me a weirdo. I eventually shouted that I am not a weirdo. Now she is on the phone talking to.a.Solicitor. Crikey is she.on verge of breakdown or is she.thinking rationally ? I just dont.know where to go with this. At 9:00pmwe were laughing then by 9:30 pm tonight she was talking to me about aranging access to Elliott etc. I don't even know if I can have this conversation with her as I am unsure of her state of mind. I am totally at my wits end because from my earlier post we were making progress!

Dad11

Im just so feckin worried. I don't know what to do and then I have work tonorrow. The issues between me and her family seem to be having a terrible affect on her.