Doctor Doctor

Bootup

A man goes into see the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to
the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've
never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle
plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books,"
he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued.
"Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.

Dumb Terminal

Was certain in the first sentence that the punch line would be 'It's a bum leg'

Bootup

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend."

The Doctor said, "Nothing to worry about, your friend is in extremely good health, except for her heart condition. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now."






A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind... I can't remember ANYTHING over
five minutes!"

The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone,

"Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."






I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! Her specialties include men's ailments and dietary disorders specialist. I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I have seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out." I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."






Patient: What is wrong? Why am I in the hospital?

Doctor: You have had an accident.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

Patient: What is the bad news?

Doctor: We had to amputate both of your legs.

Patient: Oh no! What is the good news?

Doctor: We found a guy who's made a very good offer for your shoes.







Patient: I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying?

Doctor: I'll have to examine you. Hmm... hmmmmm... I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time to live.

Patient: Oh no! How long do I have?

Doctor: Ten...

Patient: Ten? Ten what?

Doctor: Nine...

Patient: Nine? Nine what -- months? weeks? what?!?

Doctor: Eight...seven...six...






A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"

"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."

"Not if I'm going to watch TV, there ain't," she replied.

jackiebaron

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.

Doctor says "It's serious. I'm afraid you've only got three minutes to live."

Guy says "Oh no doctor. Is there anything you can do for me?".

Doctor says " I suppose I could boil you an egg."

Bootup

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and, in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes." "Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."





"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens."




There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

Bootup

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker!