If footballers were clubbers

pickarooney

Pippo Inzaghi - hits on every woman he sees, many of them well out of his league. Not a damn does he give that twenty girls in a row knock him back, he keeps on going until he pulls - usually some munter with self-esteem issues with the occasional stunner.

Robin Van Persie - genuinely does not understand why his mates have trouble getting their leg over. Stands at the edge of the dance floor until a hot chick comes up and starts wearing the face off him.

Carlos Tevez - dances like a lunatic no matter what music is playing. Has no sense of rhythm or decorum and bangs into people on his way around the floor. Bizarrely always finds some tasty dolly-bird who digs his crazed bouncing. Tells everyone he hates night clubs and would rather be at home in his garden.

David Trezeguet - turns up around closing time. Meets a nice girl in the queue for the toilets and goes home with her.

Dimitar Berbatov - spends two hours getting ready then doesn't bother going out. Some drunk lass walking past falls on top of him when he's taking out the bins.

AgileMyth

Joey Barton- Nobody remembers him being out but according to Twitter it was a great night.

Luis Suarez- Will only go home with a Caucasian woman.

Am I doing this right?

Orando Broom

Charlie Adam: Gets asked out to dance by a hottie and boots her up the arse instead.

Raekwon

Patrice Evra - Stands on the side of the dance floor eagerly waiting for somebody to accidentally bump into him so he can get the bouncer to throw them out for spilling his drink.

Revolution9

Andy Carroll: Has numerous chances to score with a stunning red head but ignores her, in order to sit at the bar drinking and insulting the barman.

Revolution9

Wayne Rooney: Pulls a granny

Revolution9

Revolution9 wrote: »

Wayne Rooney: Pulls a granny

at Bingo..

abouttobebanned

Fernando Torres - After being with an ugly bird for a long time, finally gets with a hot, successful chick. Unfortunately she doesn't turn out to be all he expected and each time he goes near her box, he ****s himself.

homerjay2005

Andy Carroll - gets hammered drunk, does a round of Jaeger Bombs, falls off a stool and injures himself. however, he still ends up hitting the jackpot with some has been from the 80's who picks him up for 35million.

oh wait.......

GLaDOS

Valencia - Best wing man out there, constantly helps his mates get stuck into great looking girls, doesn't pick up anyone himself though.

Helix

Darren Bent: Stands around doing nothing all night, then just as it's getting near time to go home, he strolls over to a bird six yards away and scores

Emile Heskey: Gets thrown out early on for falling over continually. Tries to argue with the bouncers that he's not drunk, but they're not having any of it. Comes back later on disguised as a midfielder. Doesn't come close to scoring.

Raekwon

Robbie Keane - Walks around the club clutching a withered rose telling every women that he bumps into that they were his childhood sweetheart.

GLaDOS

Paul McShane - Shows up blind drunk, somehow gets past the bouncer before falling down the stairs and cracking his head open.

Neil3030

Marlon King:... ah forget it, too easy.

Steven Gerrard: Starts a fight with the DJ

kevohmsford

John Terry - leaves his car outside so he can go in and out to the club with different married women.

efb

Freddie Ljunberg. Stips down to his jocks and struts around the club leaving those around him swooning
(Ashley Cole and Sol Cambell go off for some relief)

Stephen Ireland - The guy who stays at home because nightclubs are too loud
Theo Walcott - Gets ID'd going in, tries to order a pint, gets a blackcurrant instead. Sees a girl he likes, but lets his mate Robin have her. Eventually after trying his luck on a few, bags a stunner.
Andrei Arshavin Gets ID'd going in. Gets turned away, sulks home

MrStuffins

Freddy Adu: Spends years and years waiting to experience that sweet sweet nightclub fever because, despite all his mates from Italy and elsewhere begging him to come out, his ma insists he must wait until he's at legal age to drink! He sits at home drinking Pepsi waiting for the day.

When he finally turns legal age, none of his mates give a f*ck about him anymore and it turns out he can't handle his drink!

ceegee

Ali Dia - Uses fake ID to get in. Trys to show off the killer dance moves his "cousin" taught him. Dances badly. Promptly turfed out.

Your Airbag

Orando Broom wrote: »

Charlie Adam: Gets asked out to dance by a hottie and boots her up the arse instead.

:pac:

Luap

Kuyt: doesn't stop chasing fanny.

cson

Benjani Starts off the night in his usual nightclub before hearing that there's a fancy new nightclub after opening down the road. Hightails it to that nightclub but takes a wrong turn somewhere and ends up at the airport.

ctrl-alt-delete

Giovanni Trapattoni Ignores all the beautiful girls and instead goes for the ones who he knows will do what he wants them to do.

ceegee

Eamon Dunphy: "Tiesto, Oakenfold, Cox, they were great DJs - this guy is a sham, a spoofer. *orders another martini*

Jamie Redknapp "That DJ is literally playing a top top song"

Mario Balotelli: makes a scene on the way in, buys everyone a round, starts trouble on the dancefloor, gets thrown out by bouncer. tips bouncer £100 for throwing him out. Goes to McD's where he buys everyone big macs before accidentally burning it down. Wakes up Sunday morning and cant understand the frosty texts he gets back from everyone

Mr. Guappa

FC Barcelona - Flirts shamelessly with all the best-looking birds, all of which are already taken. After years of pursuit eventually they capture the object of their desire for peanuts.

Turtyturd

Ryan Giggs: Pulls the girl his brother was getting on with, gets her pregnant, etc,etc,etc.

TheZohanS

Entire Liverpool Squad: No matter how much they bitch and complain about Copper Face Jacks being a "mickey mouse" venue they still go to it and are over the moon if they score because it's the highlight of their year and they can't get into Krystle.

gosplan

The Irish team: Don't look too great and they just can't dance but they still manage to score most of the time.

djPSB

Goodwillie:

Goes around the club roaring his name. Guaranteed to pull.

Cantona's Collars

Luis Suarez: Somehow ends up in the ladies with Chery Cole,encourages her to hit the black toilet attendant.Staff are horrified but he is backed up by his mates who are all wearing the same t-shirts ala a drunken stag party.Is told by doormen he can get back in after a few weeks if he apologises but refuses claiming he did nothing wrong.

Rekop dog

Nicklas Bendtner Tells all his mates every night how he's going to pull the best looking girl in the club, but fails continually. Then moves down to a lower class of woman, he's sure he's better than that but it's only to put himself in the shop window for the hot woman, but he fails with the munters too. Disillusioned by all of this he goes and smashes up a few cars.

eh i dunno

Yakubu Only goes out cus he knows he can get a take away at the end of the night

djPSB

Rekop dog wrote: »

Nicklas Bendtner Tells all his mates every night how he's going to pull the best looking girl in the club, but fails continually. Then moves down to a lower class of woman, he's sure he's better than that but it's only to put himself in the shop window for the hot woman, but he fails with the munters too. Disillusioned by all of this he goes and smashes up a few cars.

Mr.Crinklewood

Paul Scholes:- Consistently scores but is often let down by his inadequate tackle.

Morzadec

Jay Spearing

Can't get in so is sent to the kids disco round the corner. Meets Kleberson there who is pulling all the 15 year-olds

Cantona's Collars

Sergio Busquets is the only guy in the club who tries breakdancing or at least looks like it as he rolls around constantly on the dancefloor.

Morzadec

Louis Saha would bring some of these moves

ceegee

Steve Staunton: Only let in cos he used to bartend there, orders a gin, jagermeister, tonic and red bull. Pours red bull into gin and pours tonic into jager. Seems bemused when people dont think these concoctions work. Attempts to pull local bike, slips on inexplicably placed banana skin.

James McClean: Pulls absolute crackers in Coppers for ages. Noone notices. Starts going to Krystle. Pulls. Suddenly everyone wants him to go on the group holiday to Poland

eagle eye

David De Gea: Making all the right moves until the hot chick tells him a joke and it goes right over his head!

Cantona's Collars

Jordan Henderson: Goes every week,stands on the dancefloor and every time he tries to pull or dance he makes a balls of it.Everyone wonders why he even bothers going in the first place.

Son Of A Vidic

Luis Suarez: Is carrying a tray of drink back from the VIP bar on the third floor. Suddenly and for no apparent reason, he dives sending the drink flying everywhere. He gets up and blames the nearest black man, who happens to be a doorman working the doors on the ground floor.

paddy kerins

Lucas Struggles to get in and when he does, finds it hard to find his feet. Everyone is laughing at him but after a few hours shows them how it's done

kingtubby

Fernando Torres:
At a loss as to where his once phenomenal ability to pick up beautiful ladies has gone.

Has now developed severe confidence problems,will gladly settle for anyone.

efb

Theo Walcott, runs around trying it on with every girl and gets knocked back- eventually pulls a stunner and the local lads thinks he's a legend.

Son Of A Vidic

Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres: They both attend a charity fundraiser organised by the local brothel at Club HOLE. Yet despite all the freebies on offer, they end up alone at the end of the night and go home without scoring.

ceegee

Trap: gets job running the nightclub after disastrous previous manager. Changes bar menu, now only serves shots of whiskey. Any fancy drinks are left in the storeroom out back. Bans the open mic night. Brewery sends out free stock of new trendy drink. This is left unopened in the store. General public are happy as despite the lack of cocktails, whiskey gets them drunker. No one knows why he hasnt sacked the clumsy ginger barman who frequently gives away drinks to people without charging.

#15

Kenny Dalglish: The guy with small man syndrome. Irritable, on the defensive, sensitive, starts a scrap. Roars abuse at the gardaí when they point out he is in the wrong. Brought to court. Refuses to accept the court judgement and says that he has CCTV evidence that proves he is innocent but won't show it to anyone, just because.

Alex Ferguson: Head bouncer; extremely petty, refuses entry to people for perceived slights. Holds grudges for years on end. Suspected problems with the horses.

Jose Mourinho: Had a terrible time with the ladies as a teenager. Subsequently went on a great run in his twenties and had success all over Europe. Ego went out of control as a result. Bitter and resentful now that a more attractive guy beats him to the ladies all the time.

Steven Gerrard: Stuck in an unhappy marriage. Should have left years ago when his wife burned his clothes. Anger manifests in physical violence.

Chelsea FC: Ugly guy who punches above his weight because he is loaded.

John Terry: The drug dealer in the local club.

Rafa Benitez: Socially awkward guy at the bar. Scored with a stunner years ago. Started a blog about it.

Newcastle FC: The lad who drinks too much and whips his top off on the dancefloor. Huge beer belly. Favourite food is curry cheese chips, which invariably dribbles down his front. Repulsive to women.

Andy Gray and Richard Keys: Disgusting old fellas at the bar. Make sexist and derogatory comments towards any women that pass by. Inflated opinions of themselves and their 'banter'. Women think they are sleazebags.

John Giles: Has nothing but disdain for the above pair. Yearns for the glory days of the showband era. Nightclubs not his thing. They're too complicated. Likes to keep it simple.

Bill O'Herlihy: ****-stirrer. Starts a fight between two of his mates after the club and then puts it on youtube so everyone can have a laugh.

keano_afc

Carlos Tevez refuses to get up of his seat to join his mates on the dancefloor despite the fact that they are losing a dance off to a bunch of German Europop fans. Then denies his mates ever asked him and disappears off to Bondi for 4 months.

ceegee

Mutu: Gets given a free round of drinks on arrival. Spends most of the night in toilet cubicle. Gets thrown out and has to pay for the free round.

Andy Reid: Turns out not to be the great dancer everyone expected. Gets in trouble at closing time for not leaving, instead organises a singsong with fellow revellers. Only goes out for the Abra afterwards.

Bodhidharma

Kieran Richardson : has never pulled a classy bird despite years of training from some of the smoothest men alive

Peter Schmeichel: five minutes before closing he picks up the hottest girl in the club after another member of the gang worked his ass off getting her drunk

Graham Rix : thought it was a school disco

Terry Venables: eyeing up the dancefloor thinking it would look good in his office

Michael Carrick: is on the dancefloor every week but most people dont seem to know what he's doing