If footballers were clubbers

massdebater

Stewart Downing: After been paid a load of money to attend the club, he can't score with any of the ladies. He can't even set any of his mates up with a woman.

Gareth Bale: Despite only having one dance move, he proves to be extremely successful with the ladies. Gained VIP access in the club based on one night he spent at a niteclub in Italy.

artanevilla

Ashley Cole: Always ends up losing his phone.

ceegee

Solskjaer: Spends night watching everyone else dance. Strides onto dancefloor just before lights go on and pulls stunner.

Phil Neville: sits watching his brother and mates dancing.After a few years he gets bored and starts going to a less popular spot, turns out to be a solid dancer.

Winston Bogarde: Was given a vip card with free admission for 5 yrs. Turns up each week, doesnt buy anything, just sits there. Refuses to go to a different nightclub.

Bebe. Somehow got let into the hottest spot in town. No one knows how.

Mr.Nice Guy

Steve Staunton: Tells every woman he meets he's the boss and what he says goes. Eventually gets escorted out after kicking a bottle away in anger.

Roman Abramovich: Sits at the bar complaining bitterly about spending all his money on that Spanish one and getting nowhere.

Grant Holt: Comes in smelling of drink, piss and alcohol and no one rates his chances. To everyone's surprise he scores.

ceegee

Liverpool: Used to party all over Europe back in the day. Once guzzled champagne, now reduced to Carling.

tony1kenobi

Abu Diaby: Isn't going out.He's feeling poorly.

Samir Nasri: Sits in the corner spying on his ex.

Frank Ribery: Will only dance if the DJ will play Gary Glitter songs.

kryogen

Rekop dog wrote: »

Nicklas Bendtner Tells all his mates every night how he's going to pull the best looking girl in the club, but fails continually. Then moves down to a lower class of woman, he's sure he's better than that but it's only to put himself in the shop window for the hot woman, but he fails with the munters too. Disillusioned by all of this he goes and smashes up a few cars.

This is actually a true story!

larchielads

Alex Ferguson: doesnt score all night, they flash for last drinks at 3am but fergie still hasnt scored so convinces the barman to stay open for another half hour:D

larchielads

Ronaldo and Messi: Ronaldo fed up of scoring in english clubs so gets tempted to go to spain where he and messi compete to score the most chicks. Ronaldo scores crackers but messi always seems to score scorchers!!

larchielads

Steven Gerrard: Goes to clubs on a heap of stag partys. He's always the best man but never the groom, but every august he thinks he'll be married come next may. once got left standing at the altar but over the last few years doesnt even seem to make it down the aisle

Professional Griefer

Bill O'Herlihy: Goes around telling people hes no expert.

Father Damo

Stephen Ireland: hangs around every weekend hoping his ex will be desperate enough to take him back after he dumped her 4 years ago and realises what he has missed out on.

Sappy404

RTE Edition:

John Giles: Senior nightclubber. Will complain that there's a few good dancers there, but no great dancers. Not like in his day.

Eamonn Dunphy believes the club isn't what it used to be, Bill.

Liam Brady: talks quietly for the most part, but inexplicably shouts during the quiet parts of each song.

Bill O'Herlihy: Has all of his chat-up lines fed to him through an earpiece by someone unseen.

George Hamilton: Assumes he's pulled as soon as a girl shows interest, brags about going home with her, but ends up eating his words when someone else scores her. Also annoys the bar staff by asking for foreign drinks and deliberately over-pronouncing their names.

Con Murphy: Continually asks everyone 'is this a must-pull night out?'

Kenny Cunningham: Gets really annoyed when the girls he's chatting up start checking their reflections in his scalp.

Ronnie Whelan: an amazing dancer himself, but appears to know absolutely nothing about it when watching others.

Rekop dog

Phil Brown: Him and his mates recently get let into the best club in the country. They're doing quite well considering they're definitely not the best looking bunch of lads. Until one slow night where nobody has pulled by halfway, instead of having a quiet word in the toilets(what we do ldo) he organises an ill-advised huddle in the middle of the dancefloor and scolds the lads very loudly in front of the onwatching club. This has a completely counterproductive effect and they barely pull again for weeks before finally being dumped out permanently.

Bodhisopha

Sappy404 wrote: »

RTE Edition:

John Giles: Senior nightclubber. Will complain that there's a few good dancers there, but no great dancers. Not like in his day.
.

But i'm sure Giles is heartened by the solid fundamentals and honesty of effort on show on the dance floor.

Bill is telling anyone who will listen that Dunphy is an expert on Spanish birds. Dunphy is happy to accept this praise despite having never been with one.

Father Damo

Bodhisopha wrote: »

Bill is telling anyone who will listen that Dunphy is an expert on Spanish birds. Dunphy is happy to accept this praise despite having never been with one.

:pac: Best one yet.

Sappy404

Aquilani: Shows up with his missus, they have a quick walk around the place, look disgusted and **** off home.

Ravel Morrison: Doesn't get in after loafing the bouncer for looking at him.

Mark Clattenburg: Doesn't do draught beer; he usually bottles it.

Liverpool players: There to try and score but end up just hitting the bar a lot.

Nigel Quashie: Gets kicked out before long no matter who he's there with.

Father Damo

Sappy404 wrote: »

Nigel Quashie: Gets kicked out before long no matter who he's there with.

Been thrown out more times in consecutive weeks from the VIP than anyone can remember and keeps somehow getting back in.

Sugarlumps

Jack Wilshire: Enters a club giving it large, spots a right looker. Grabs hold of her and makes his way into the toilets for some action.

Twittering away to his douche bag mates on his latest conquest, he accidently falls over Wegner who’s being bummed by Janette Krankie thus fracturing his ankle.

Unearthly

Thierry Henry - Watches on as an ugly but spiritful Irish lad is about to pull for the first time in 10 years. Minutes away from achieving his dream, Henry walks over and drops a hand.

Ganymede Glow

Manchester United - No chick wants to go over to them because the old drunk guy who they are drinking with is roaring and shouting at anyone who will listen to his drunk ramblings.

Ray Wilkins - Bouncer who walks around making sure anyone who doesnt stay on their feet is tossed out. Has a massive sense of self importance to the club.

Arsene Wenger - Only has eyes for the younger girls in the club. He will lure them in by telling them he only drinks the finest champagne served in the club. When the girl ask for a drink of his champagne he seems reluctant and the girl walks off. He then claims he didnt see the signals.

Patrice Evra - He is the guy in the toilet with all the fragrances and deodorants. Gets into an argument with a guy over a spilled fragrance, calls the bouncers and owners to tell them what happened and to look at the camera in the toilet. Turns out there are no cameras in the toilet, he throws a hissy fit and cant seem to get over the insignificance of the situation. The other guy says he may have done it accidently.

Sky Sports News - He is the gay guy who dances with and hangs around with the girls. Seems to be shocked at everything that happens in the club. Has a tendancy to do a high pitched squeel everytime a new song comes on.

griffdaddy

Gazza hangs around the smoking area telling everyone made up stories about how he stole money off the pope.....oh wait, that's not hypothetical

Cantona's Collars

Andy Carroll.

Picture says it all.

That_Guy

Harry Redknapp: Designated driver.

Cantona's Collars

That_Guy wrote: »

Harry Redknapp: Designated driver.

And still get's stopped every time he's driving away from the club.

Leiva

Gary Neville : Comes across as a right arrogant asshole , grabbing women kissing their badges . Cant get a sniff and not very well liked on the dance floor .
Comes back as a DJ -everyone is very fond of him , and scores a bird every weekend.

Richard Hillman

Juventus: Used to be the top dog in the club and was the envy of all the lads when he beat them to the beauties until it was revealed that the girls were infact hookers. Is now currently trying to pull honestly.

pickarooney

Inter Milan: Goes to gay bar, picks up straight chicks

baldshin

Richard Dunne: Doesn't get in, because his mates wrote all over the back of his shirt in permanent marker on the bus to town.

Samich

Ibrahimovic.- Pulls hot women in different clubs all over europe, friends think he's talking shiite.

Theo Walcott - underage discos gets with young totti, over 18s, can't take home a minger.

Tomas Rosicky - the competition are scoring birds all around Tomas and his fellow clubbers but he just keeps his back turned to it with a 'Couldnt give a sh*t' look on his face.

Vinny Jones Grabs Gazza by the testicles on the dancefloor in order to intimidate this cocky little f*cker who has his eye on Vinny's bird.

carlop

Makelele: Whenever his friends go out with him they all get with some quality women, but when he's not there they get nowhere.

Nobody can really figure out why, as all Makelele does is stand on the side of the dancefloor looking bored, but the few sober people in the club can tell that he actually won't let any other lads near the group of women his flashy friends are trying to impress.

Leiva

Dirk Kuyt: Doesnt look like he has a chance but scores every weekend .
Close friends call him Dirk Diggler .

Leiva

Ryan Giggs:Doesn't do clubs . Likes to hang out in his brothers pad.

Leiva

Phil Jones: Overhyped as the next John Travolta but really has a small penis.

VW 1

Michael Owen: could have pulled when he was younger but he was just in the wrong club. Now that he is at the right one he just hasn't got the moves any more but would rather watch the other lads pull all the same.

Sappy404

Adel Taraabt - The flashy barman who shows off when mixing cocktails but throws a strop when asked to pull a pint.

pickarooney

Paolo Maldini - goes to the same club every week for 25 years, drinking the same drink, dancing the same dance. Everyone agrees clubbing could do with more such characters.

Xavi and Iniesta - couple ignored by everyone as they waltz silently around the middle of the floor. One night someone notices that not only are they pretty decent but they're moving in such a way that nobody else is able to get into any sort of rhythm.

Raymond Domenech - Walks round the club.. spots an attractive woman...takes two steps up then stops suddenly "Sagittarius....Euugh....No thanks!!!"

ceegee

Antonio Valencia: Rules the dance floor until the hokey cokey comes on "you put your left foot...." - immediately stops dancing

Ganymede Glow

dinneenp - goes off with that bird everyone in the club has already been with

Turtyturd

Ganymede Glow wrote: »

dinneenp - goes off with that bird everyone in the club has already been with

While using their best lines in the hope of scoring.

markesmith

Emmanuel Adebayor - went out with a hottie for a few years but left her when wooed by a rich Northern lass. Made a show of himself in the club by running eighty yards to show off his new GF to the ex. After a few years of being a kept man, decided to move back to London and is now doing a line with the ex-girlfriend's mortal nemesis.

Ganymede Glow

Turtyturd wrote: »

While using their best lines in the hope of scoring.

Keeps trying to use the "Europe Story" on everyone

DB21

Phil Jones: His mates talk about his legendary escapades, but no-one else believes them. Arrives at club, and promptly beats one of the richest lads there to a total cracker.

BraziliaNZ

Glenn Hoddle - Slags the chick in the wheelchair and gets thrown out

Lumbo

Tony Hibbert - gone to a nightclub 296 times and still hasn't scored.

When he does, there'll be a riot.

BOHtox

BUMP

This thread has so much more potential

Packie Bonner - An easy one comes his way but he lets it slip

tvercetti

Ruud van Nistelrooy - Parks himself in the middle of the dancefloor and pulls all around him. 1,2, sometimes 3 at a time. Quantity over quality.

upandcumming

tvercetti wrote: »

Ruud van Nistelrooy - Parks himself in the middle of the dancefloor and pulls all around him. 1,2, sometimes 3 at a time. Quantity over quality.

Which incidentally is what is required as a striker.