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Something for the Weekend

  • 03-03-2012 3:58pm
    #1
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭


    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
    "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture..."
    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
    "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.
    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

    Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.
    "Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"
    "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."
    "How did you do that?" asked Donal
    "Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."
    "We'll try that Michael me boy," says Donal.
    They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams...
    "Quick pull me up, pull me up!"
    "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal.
    "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."



    Three nuns were talking.
    The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
    "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
    "Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
    The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
    "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, "What did you do?" they asked.
    "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
    The third nun fainted...!!!


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