Peter Kay's Universal Thoughts

Bootup

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Bootup

Peter Kay's Great Questions

1) Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Crooked Jack

Peter Kay has to be one of the worst stand-up comedians on the go. He's every bit as shyte as Michael McIntyre. Their brand of "comedy" is destroying stand-up.

Crooked Jack

Some of that isnt even Peter kay. I recognise a few of those line from different comedians, shows and books that predate him

r3nu4l

Newsflash: Comedy is subjective, it also doesn't have to be particularly arty or clever for pseudo-intellectuals to allow themselves to laugh. Some people can appreciate simple humour as well as the more refined stuff.

However, you are right, some of them aren't Peter Kay's, some of them are for sure but not all.

Crooked Jack

I agree with almost everything you said there (except use of the opener "Newsflash," that's just annoying.) Comedy doesnt have to be any of those things, this is why Ace Ventura is the best film ever.
What comedy does have to be is funny.
I've noticed that when watching people watch the likes of Kay, they rarely actually laugh, they tend to go "Oh yeah i do that," or "I remember that," more than anything else.
He certainly does seem to entertain some people, i wouldnt take that away from him. In that sense he may be a good entertainer, but he is not a comedian.