Was I wrong?

xzanti

This is going to a be a long one so please bear with me.

I would post this in PI but I feel it is more relevant to this forum.

My Son was born in the midst of the recent Swine Flu outbreak in the Rotunda last year. The night he was born, the nurses were walking around us with disease masks on. It was pretty terrifying.

Anyway, fast forward to us going home after a Hellish week of complications including Step B being discovered in the placenta and us having to stay an extra 2 nights on top of the 5 standard holding nights following a C section, as my Son had to have antibiotics pumped into him every 12 hours to eradicate the Step B from his system.

None of our family had seen the baby yet, except for the two Grannies, who were allowed up on Christmas night, just for the night that was in it.. There was a complete ban on visitors otherwise, due to the flu outbreak.

On day 1 of us coming home I, being absolutely exhausted and sore from my surgery etc, respectfully asked that all visitors come up to us the following day, so we could settle in and enjoy our Son for our first night home together.

Then my OH begins to come down with flu like symptoms, and in the middle of that night he collapses on our bathroom floor and I had to call an ambulance.

Now, here’s where it gets really sticky.

I thought I should go in after him and make sure he was ok etc, he hadn’t even taken his phone with him in the ambulance so I wanted to get someone up to look after our Son while I followed him in.

Now, his family lived only a few doors up from us at the time, so they would be the obvious people to call right? Well no, because his Mother had been in bed with what was suspected to be the flu also for the past couple of days and I was already completely freaked out by the fact that this potentially deadly disease was already in our home with my newborn baby, and after the week we had just had, I felt couldn’t risk bringing more infection into our home.

So, I made a snap decision to call my Parents who lived half an hour away to come down, and they of course did.. Meanwhile I called my OH’s Sister who was also in the Parents house, I explained to her what had happened and my reasons for not calling them up to the house and she 100% agreed with me that I was doing the right thing.

In the Hospital, the Doctors gave my OH a dose of meds and assured him that what he was suffering was a mix of exhaustion (not surprising considering the week we had just endured) and a dose of the regular flu. We were told to go home, put him in the spare room and keep him away from the baby for the next 48 hours or so, until the flu had passed. So he was sent home with me and my Father that morning. Great! Thank God.

Anyway, later that day (with hand sanitizers placed at the front door) we finally got to have the families (minus my OH’s Mother who was still in bed sick) up to share in our joy and give their presents etc.. and my OH’s Father was completely aloof with me. Wouldn’t even look at me and only stayed for a brief time.

He also passed the remark that he had to be “told by neighbours that his Son had gone in an ambulance” when I had clearly spoken to his Sister that morning and explained the situation to her. I might add that his Father is an older man (mid 70’s) and can be difficult at the best of times.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can now see why they might have been a little hurt that I didn’t call on them but I was in a complete panic. Everything that could have gone wrong that week, had gone wrong and I just did what I thought was best at the time. If I were to do it all again, I would have stayed with my baby and told his family to follow him to the Hospital, but I wanted to be supportive to my OH as he had bent over backwards for me and our Son all week, going to and from the Hospital in the worst snow storm in years and he was up there every waking minute with us. I felt I owed it to him to be there when he needed me.

Jesus, this is going to be like a novel.. Sorry folks.

So, in the weeks following his birth, our Son proved to be what you might call a ‘spirited child’ he made his presence very much felt and we were put through our paces with colic and the likes.. we didn’t mind, it was par for the course and all of that..

His Mother rang me a couple of weeks after he was born (they went to Spain a few days after we came home so they hadn’t seen much of him at all) and asked if they could take him for an afternoon to give me a break. I was delighted, packed all his little things and off we went down to the house.

I began to go through his baby bag, telling them what’s what and what needs to be done, feed wise etc, and they pretty much ushered me back out, to the tune of an “oh don’t worry, we’ve raised 3 children” type vibe.. which I was a little put off by, but on my way out I made sure to tell them to RING ME if there are ANY problems...

5 hours later I came back and my Son was screaming his head off and the Parents were pulling their hair out trying to calm him down.. His bottles were all still full.. Maybe they couldn’t calm him down long enough to feed him, I don’t know. To this day I can’t figure out why they didn’t just call me.. I’m guessing they felt undermined by the whole me not ringing them to take care of the baby that eventful morning and wanted to prove that they have more experience with babies than me. Which they of course do.. They’ve raised 3 wonderful children, and I don’t for one moment dispute that they did a great job. They also have 2 other grandchildren, but neither would have suffered with colic afaik.

There were a few more episodes like the above, in the weeks and months after.. a couple of times I would go to collect him and he would have been left to cry himself out in a room on his own.. And I don’t agree with crying out methods at all.. So this broke my heart a little.

Now my Son is 15 months and completely makes strange with his Grandparents.. he won’t even go into the house without having a meltdown.. It is the only place he does this, he is such a sociable and affectionate little boy, but all bets are off when he goes into this house. I can only assume that he has bad memories here.

My relationship with his Father has been pretty strained since the birth, He never really had much time for me after that and we had a couple of run ins with each other.. But I’ve always had a good relationship with his Mother and I am blue in the face inviting them up to our home to visit my Son. They rarely do though.

One morning I called up to the house, it was following a ruined tea party that I had organised for the 2 sets of Grandparents.. The Father decided to turn the air completely awkward by bringing up the events of that morning, in a not so understanding fashion.. I had tried to defend myself but everyone else, feeling the air turning, decided to talk over us and change the subject.. So, on calling up to have it out with him one on one, I was told “Oh Jesus no Love, there’s no problem here, God love you, why would you think that there’s a problem” but in a very condescending and patronising manner.. Very, very frustrating. I couldn’t help feeling that he preferred an audience when bringing these things up.

Anyway, I think you get the picture here. My Son hardly ever see’s his Grandparents and it’s causing a rift now between me and my OH. I don’t want my Son to grow up hearing rumours that I “kept him from his Grandparents”.. this is what’s being thrown in my face when we argue btw.. I’m being accused of not doing enough to get his Parents to see our Son.. But as I said, he won’t go into the house without sobbing his heart out and I have always tried to encourage them to come visit him.

I am completely frustrated by this.

I need some fresh eyes on the situation. Was I wrong to do what I did the morning of my OH’s illness?

Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks for reading

Tabnabs

Hopefully I have read your story correctly, my advice is you need to make your OH completely clear on the situation (as you have in this post) and he needs to go and sit down with both his parents and outline both your collective concerns (you're a team, right!) and get this issue sorted rather than let it linger. There's only so much you can do, but your OH has a direct line (and a responsibility) to make the issues clear and knock this issue on the head.

(Best of luck!)

Daisy M

You poor poor thing, you have had it hard and I think you did the best you could have done on the night there your husband was rushed to hospital. Surely the priority was that the baby would be taken care of and by someone who was well enough to do it.
I think a relationship should be encouraged between your child and his grandparents, but doing so should not just be your job. They should be doing their part too as should your husband. Personally I would leave it up to your husband to bring the littleone over at the weekends or organise for his parents to visit your house. The father in law obviously has a problem with you but is very adapt at playing games and making it look like you are the unreasonable one, play along dont get upset or take nay notice of his silly digs.

As regards them taking the baby when he was little they were trying to help. I dont understand why they would leave the baby to cry like that but I would guess the reason they didnt call you was because they were trying to give you a break and maybe thought you needed the rest.

If your oh wants his child to have a good relationship with his parents he needs to nurture this and leave it all to you.

cynder

*Hugs*

I agree with what Tabnabs and Daisy said.

Also with your son making strange, that happened with my youngest guy he didn't like his granny, not because she gave him any bad memories he was just strange with her. He hardly ever saw her and he didn't like the look of her, this started when he was around 1 year and continued up until he was about 3, he now loves his granny and loves going to her house. I figured he just didn't like the look of her, glasses and mad grey hair and a wrinkly face. He loved his grandad though, but he always liked men, took a shine to them but women he hated. Acting strange could just be a phase rather than him have been mistreated there.

3DataModem

xzanti wrote: »

Was I wrong to do what I did the morning of my OH’s illness?

You were a brand new mother, with a sick husband. Your instincts were to protect your kid while ensuring your husband was taken care of. Your insincts were right.

xzanti wrote: »

his Mother had been in bed with what was suspected to be the flu also for the past couple of days ... I felt couldn’t risk bringing more infection into our home.

Seems perfectly sensible to me. Couple of days = not just a sniffle.

xzanti wrote: »

Meanwhile I called my OH’s Sister who was also in the Parents house, I explained to her what had happened and my reasons for not calling them up to the house and she 100% agreed with me that I was doing the right thing.

Seems pretty considerate to me. Could you have called the parents themselves to explain afterwards? Sure you could have. But they have to understand you were a new mother with a sick husband. Making sure people's feelings weren't hurt is not your top priority, and as you say... she was there with them so they knew the story.


At this stage you have to move on from this. You or your OH need to make sure they understand it was nothing personal, and you DID call the house to tell the sister-in-law. If your father-in-law is bearing a grudge, you will NEVER change his mind by saying anything. So you just have to tell him that you know you did the right thing, that he is being unreasonable, that bringing it up is rude, and that's the last word. You are not asking him to "agree" or "understand" or "come around". It's a simple polite statement of "this is how it is and if he wants to rant about it in future he may as well go out and shout at the clouds because nobody is listening."

xzanti

Thanks for the replies..

Grindelwald: Yes, I would love to think it is a phase, and hopefully it will pass .. I don't think he was mistreated there, it was more a breakdown in communication I think.. I wasn't really given the time to sit with them and explain about his colic and how best to feed him etc, and I trusted that they would ring me if there was a problem and they said they would.. But, as someone else said, they probably didn't want to ruin my afternoon off.. In (the wonderful) hindsight.. I should have made it my business to sit and make sure they understood his routine, I allowed myself be ushered off, and my Son was the one who suffered for it.

Tabnabs: The morning I went to have a one on one with the Father, I sat down and pretty much outlined the situation exactly as I did in my opening paragraphs here.. I don't know what more I can do to make him understand.

I think he is just set in his ways and doesn't want to see it from my point of view.

Thanks again everyone.

clappyhappy

Hi,wow what a story. As said above,if and when your father in law is being condescending towards you just ignore him,i know its easier said than done,but he will get tired of not getting a reaction from you. I think you should get ur OH to read ur story,make him understand and then work together as a team,visit together,invite them for Sunday lunch.ye don't have to be living in each others pocket. Maybe invite granny to go shopping with you and ur child on a sat and OH and his dad can spend day together,could help build bridges. Good luck!!!!

LegacyUser

I doubt that your son has bad memories of his grandparents' place. In all likelihood, he picks up on the tension between you and them, which in turn makes him tense. Please note that I am not blaming you - from what I gather, you have done all you could to ease the relationship, but for one reason or another, they haven't moved on. That is made obvious by the fact that your parents in law hardly ever visit you and let you do all the running (i.e., to their house) instead. It is extremely unfair of your OH to make your responsible for a good relationship between your son and your in-laws. Quite frankly, it's actually ridiculous and bordering on impertinent considering the recent behaviour displayed by your father in law.

You have to have a serious conversation with your OH about this issue. They are his parents, not yours, and as other posters have already said: it is his and their responsibility to build a relationship between themselves and your son. You have made it clear that you're not standing in the way at all, but continuing things this way, i. e., you doing all the running is quite likely to do more damage to the relationship as it undermines you on a constant basis. This can only result in increased tension unless you're something of a born doormat - and you wouldn't have posted here if you were. The longer things go on this way, the stronger your son's aversion is going to be as the tension is only going to increase. Therefore, take yourself out of the equation for a while and let your OH bring your child over to visit the grandparents without you. But most of all, make it crystal clear to your OH that it is his and his parents' responsibility to establish a good bond between them and your son - not yours. Certainly not under these circumstances, anyway. Not because you want to cause a rift or anything, but because your in-laws seem incapable of moving on. That's their choice, and you do not need to get along like a house on fire at all. But the price is that your son will pick up on the issues they have with you, resulting in tantrums. Therefore, you simply have no choice but to break the habit of you bringing him over.

Noopti

It is quite simple when broken down:
- You did nothing wrong
- Your father in law needs to start acting his age (never thought I would say that about a 70 year old)
- Ask your OH to mediate on this, they are his parents and he is best placed to lay it all out on the table and put an end to the immaturity of it all. He needs to be very clear that they are causing a rift, and for stupid and silly reasons. He also needs to make it clear they are putting their future relationship with their grandchild at risk.

Bottom line is your OH needs to grab a hold of this situation and end it before it descends further down this path, otherwise every little thing will build up on the foundations of the original misunderstanding until you end up with a behemoth of a problem on your hands. If it was my parents causing these problems I would not expect my wife to go and sort it out.

Hannibal Smith

At this stage I don't think it matters what you did or didn't do. I

t's pretty petty that its still an issue 15 months later. You were a new mother, with a lot going on, you shouldn't be put under any extra pressure.

You say you've invited them over so many times but they rarely accept, so its not your fault if tge grand parents don't have a good relationship with your son. It really is up to your other half to bring your son to see them, which would give you s break and allow your son time with his grand parents, with the comfort of his dad there?

hoodwinked

I just want to say as much as i agree with most of the above, just note not everyone has the best of intentions so always trust your gut on these matters.

Noopti wrote: »

Bottom line is your OH needs to grab a hold of this situation and end it before it descends further down this path, otherwise every little thing will build up on the foundations of the original misunderstanding until you end up with a behemoth of a problem on your hands. If it was my parents causing these problems I would not expect my wife to go and sort it out.

THIS i cannot put enough emphasis on this post.

im in a very similar situation as we have so many little things built up its constantly resorting to infighting and little digs, and its impacting on the kind of relationship my daughter has with her grandparents...

it was only when my partner finally stood up to his parents things began to improve (in our case, slightly).

so unfortunately all you can do is speak with your husband and tell him how they are making you feel, and then back him up if/when he speaks to them.

to be fair, once i started voicing my concerns my oh was taken aback, but the more he knew the more he saw, so to speak, he was oblivious to the insults randomly hurled in my direction until he heard/saw them for himself.(i guess it also helped when a friend told him "sometimes you don't want to believe your parents aren't perfect but they too are human and prone to mistakes")

also

xzanti wrote: »

I don't think he was mistreated there, it was more a breakdown in communication I think.. I wasn't really given the time to sit with them and explain about his colic and how best to feed him etc, and I trusted that they would ring me if there was a problem and they said they would.. But, as someone else said, they probably didn't want to ruin my afternoon off.. In (the wonderful) hindsight.. I should have made it my business to sit and make sure they understood his routine, I allowed myself be ushered off, and my Son was the one who suffered for it.
.

this to me is something i would love to understand too as im obviously thinking the same as you where my inlaws seem to be like your inlaws, my mum asks everything like "is there any food you dont give her?", "what has she eaten already today?", "is it ok if i give her ice cream?" she always has asked how are we doing things and does them the same way, his parents would not ask, and then if we tell them something then we are 'telling them what to do' and 'they raised three children just fine thank you'. they wont take any advice or direction on board without thinking you are criticizing them. They would usher us out without even listening to us (well they don't listen to us anyway when we are there, so its safe to assume they wouldn't listen if we left her with them)

if anything went wrong i know they wouldn't call us as in their head that would be a kind of submission proving we were right and like saying that they couldn't handle it so instead we'd be told everything was 'fine' even if it wasn't. so not always do your inlaws have your best interests at heart, i know they love their grandchild and wouldn't hurt her, but its not right to me when grandparents do the above either.

cofy

Sorry to hear what you have been through. Yes you did the right thing. Sounds like you are actively trying to heal the rift with your in-laws as well as becoming a mum.

Oh boy do I recognise the "I've raised x amount of children, you have reared none,". My way out of this was to talk to my hubby and let him deal with his mother. I felt that he knew her better than I did, also, knew me better than his mother did. So it seemed logical to approach the situation this way. This allowed me to continue on to be polite to her as I did not have to defend myself to her, my husband did that.

My son also made strange with my mother in law, who lives next door, he would not go into her house unless I was with him. So I always made sure that when we were leaving that he would give her a kiss. It's only a small thing but made her realise that I was not trying to alienate her from her grandson.

Things are much better now, there has even been a few compliments from her now, which used to completely unnerve me, but I think she is trying to make up for the misunderstandings.

I hope things get better for you soon and that you can all enjoy your son together.

Daisy M

Also I was just thinking on how you could make your inlaws an fun place for him to go. Maybe you could buy a toy he really likes be it a thomas the tank a tractor or whatever fad he is into and leave it down in your inlaws house. Maybe when he arrives and spots if the excitement of it will calm him and he will enjoy the time in their house.
I hope you feel better about what you chose to do the day your oh was sick, and are no longer questioning yourself. Its very petty that this was ever an issue and mindboggling that it continues to be.

Sleepy

Have you tried sending daddy up to the parents with your son whilst you put your feet up / get on with some stuff around the house / go for a coffee with friends?

If the little fella's picking up on tensions, this would avoid them. If your other half is getting worked up about it to start having a go at you about it why hasn't he thought of doing this himself?

Lola92

3DataModem wrote: »

At this stage you have to move on from this. You or your OH need to make sure they understand it was nothing personal, and you DID call the house to tell the sister-in-law. If your father-in-law is bearing a grudge, you will NEVER change his mind by saying anything. So you just have to tell him that you know you did the right thing, that he is being unreasonable, that bringing it up is rude, and that's the last word. You are not asking him to "agree" or "understand" or "come around". It's a simple polite statement of "this is how it is and if he wants to rant about it in future he may as well go out and shout at the clouds because nobody is listening."

I completely agree with this!

Xzanti you are making an effort by inviting them up to your home, you can't force them in the door! It must be very distressing to see your son so visibly upset in their house. Of course he should have a relationship with his grandparents but if they are not willing to compromise with you on the matter I don't know is there much else that you could do!

Have you considered saying to them you will be taking the little fella on a walk/to the park at X time on a Saturday and would they like to join you?

xzanti

Sleepy wrote: »

Have you tried sending daddy up to the parents with your son whilst you put your feet up / get on with some stuff around the house / go for a coffee with friends?

If the little fella's picking up on tensions, this would avoid them. If your other half is getting worked up about it to start having a go at you about it why hasn't he thought of doing this himself?

Yes, a few times now and every time, without fail he goes into a tantrum..

The times that I outlined, that I brought him up and was 'ushered' off, I would only have been there for a few minutes and he was fine when I was leaving him.. so I don't see how he would pick up on tensions, but I can see where people are coming from in suggesting this..

Thanks again folks.. it's a comfort to hear that I'm not the only one privy to the 'ushering out' treatment with the grannies

I guess it's not always plain sailing with the In Laws, specially when a first new Grandchild is born.. a mix bag of emotions which in our case was made ever more potent by the unfortunate string of events which unfolded.

I'm going to sit my OH down this evening and very calmly and understandingly try to set out some sort of plan so we can put this all to bed once and for all.

Fingers crossed.

Noopti

xzanti wrote: »

Yes, a few times now and every time, without fail he goes into a tantrum..

The times that I outlined, that I brought him up and was 'ushered' off, I would only have been there for a few minutes and he was fine when I was leaving him.. so I don't see how he would pick up on tensions, but I can see where people are coming from in suggesting this..

Thanks again folks.. it's a comfort to hear that I'm not the only one privy to the 'ushering out' treatment with the grannies

I guess it's not always plain sailing with the In Laws, specially when a first new Grandchild is born.. a mix bag of emotions which in our case was made ever more potent by the unfortunate string of events which unfolded.

I'm going to sit my OH down this evening and very calmly and understandingly try to set out some sort of plan so we can put this all to bed once and for all.

Fingers crossed.

From a blokes point of view, be prepared for your OH to get a bit defensive when you bring it up. After all you are highlighting some pretty childish and unnecessary things his dad is doing. He may not get defensive, but to be honest I probably would if it were me. So maybe go down the route that you are feeling disappointed that your son doesn't get to see his grandparents very often, and that since the incident you feel like his dad is annoyed with you for some reason and that you want it resolved for your sake, your OH's sake and your sons sake.

Don't got down the route of immediately saying that his dad is being unreasonable and stupid. The discussion may turn in that direction, but only let it if your OH does would be my advice. It is a delicate matter.

Just my two cents.

How Strange

wow xzanti, anyone who could take such a terrible situation and make it all about them rather than being concerned for all of you (his son, wife and child) is one extremely selfish person.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You did what you thought was best at that time. I think you need to get your other half on board to have a word with his dad and out this thing to rest once and for all.

Do you think you're now trying too hard to appease him? If so stop and keep telling yourself (until you believe it) that you did absolutely nothing wrong.

ROZLYN

Hi xzanti,
Have to say fair play on your part putting up with such self absorbed behaviour and going out of your way to deal with matters. I agree with what 'How Strange' said, you had so much on your plate those couple of weeks around the birth of you baby. Of course your baby and husband come first at such a stressful time. The more you appease someone like that (father-inlaw) the more they will play the victim.

I understand other posters saying get your husband on board with regards addressing this situation but this may not happen over night. It has taken way too long for my husband to see how his family treats me (which has been sooo frustrating).

Best of luck with it all.

dublinlady

Hope the conversation went well - I agree with the others - you did nothing wrong!!
Can't believe the behavior of his parents - your a saint for being so patient with them until this!!
Communication with your husband is key - he has to step up now and sort it out! Although I agree that even partners sometimes need to be treated with tact - ESP if it's to do with an issue with their parents!
Good luck!