Monday Funnies

MonkieSocks

10 Things To Do in the Supermarket ....While Your Other Half Shops::D

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares...' and see what happens.

3. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept., ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

4. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream ' NO! .......It's those voices again!!!'

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly, 'There's no toilet paper in here.'

10. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say, 'PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!'
____________________________________


A man approaches a young woman in shopping arcade.

"Excuse me" he says. "I can’t seem to find my wife; can I talk to you for a few minutes?"

The woman, feeling compassion says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife might be?"

"I don’t have a clue,“He says, "But every time I talk to a woman with Tits like yours, she usually appears out of fookin nowhere!!!"
____________________________________

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and threw her some slimming pills

Bootup

The three Dolls In a man's life are:

His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'

and his His Wife, 'Panadol'














I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.
She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go! .
I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked " When was I born then?

I replied "Yesterday" .




I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are
fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are
very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically
attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am,
Gay?"