Irish Jokes

Bootup

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when sahe met up with Father Flaherty.



The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan, and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'



She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a fertility candle for ye nd yer hoosband.'


She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'



They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'



She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'



The Father asked, 'And tell me, Have ye any wee ones yet?' he replied.



'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome oo blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Bootup

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

Bootup

An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand.

He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?”

The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”

Bootup

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

D_murph

An Irish take on Fifty Shades of Grey:
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>> Give it to me, give it to me’, he roared aggressively. Some days Mary hated working at Ulster Bank.
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>> He slipped his hand under the red silk.. “You’re so beautiful in that dress.” “Feck off, it was only a euro in Penneys!”
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>> Bríd’s knees were sore and her throat was raw…This was the longest Novena she’d ever attended.
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>> You’re so tight, he said, I’m from Cavan she replied.
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>> Slowly he ran his finger down the middle, parting the pink softness, feeling the moist sticky centre. He loved a Mikado.
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>> ‘She Quivered as I stroked her thighs. ‘Take me in the shower Sean!’ I whispered to her ‘Wait til I turn on the immersion’
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>> ‘Her underwear was wet as he pulled the rope. There’s great drying out today she thought as the clothes line hoisted’
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>> She wrapped her fingers around it and greedily pulled it towards her lips.20 bottles for 15 quid at Centra Mick! Bargain!
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>> 'its so long!Never seen the likes of it!' exclaimed maire, as she joined the dole queue
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>> She widened her mouth, trying to fit it all in!! Juices ran down her face. Mary did love a kebab after coppers
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>> She was panting as she let out one final scream of pure pleasure. There was nothing like beating Kilkenny in the hurling
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>> She took a deep breath as the shivers rolled down her hot body... Jaysus, she thought. The vichs is kicking in now!
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>> Come on! Pump it hard.. Real hard! But it was no use the tyre was definitely punctured!
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>> He asked if she could handle more than one finger. She said she preferred Hob Nobs or a purple Schnack with her tea
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>> 'Spread 'em', he said gruffly. Margie looked dolefully at the bags of fertilizer destined for the back field.

Bootup

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a
gift
the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into
the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.

The frail nun drank a little glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity
to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us."

She raised herself up and replied "Don't sell that cow."

Bootup

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

rednik

Why are the Irish so stupid ?


So the English can understand them !

MonkieSocks

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said.

'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

MonkieSocks

Pat and Mick had a great night out, spent all their money and missed the last bus home.

No money for a taxi, so they set out to walk home.

Along the road, they came to the by now dark bus depot.

"Hey Mick", says Pat, "I think we could take a bus and drive all the way home.

Look, you stay and keep watch and I'll go and get a bus".

Pat was in the depot for ages and Mick called in,

"Pat, for God's sake man, why are ye taking so long."

Mick called back, "I can't find a number 19".

"For fuqs sake, man", replied Pat,

"Just bring a number 14 and we'll get of at the roundabout and walk the rest".

Bootup

Paddy tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

Four months later the doctor removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

gammygils

Paddy went to the Pub every night with one bootlace untied.

Murphy said to him one night ''Jaysis Paddy, Why do you always have one bootlace open?''

''Well'' says Paddy ''It was written on the box...... Taiwan!''

Bootup

Paddy was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."

Two weeks later Paddy returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

Paddy answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

Paddy takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Bootup

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidently shoots his wife.So he dials 999...
Paddy.."Its my wifw.I've accidently shot her,i've killed her!"
Operator.. "Please calm down sir,can you please make sure she is actually dead"
*click* *BANG*
Paddy.."Ok,done that.What next?"

jayteecork

Christy Brown got a parrot for his bithday and tried teaching it to talk .

Say "cwisti" he says , but the parrot ignores him , say " cwisti ye kwunt", but still the parrot ignores him ,

Christy then gets very angry and kicks the parrots cage and says " say cwisti ye tupit cwunt ",

the parrot turns his head to him and says " Féck off ya retard , ya can't even féckin say it yerself ....."

Bootup

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.

When I got to the door I couldn’t jump.
So the 6' 7" black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10" & says if you don’t jump you're going to get this baby up your arse!!!

Mick asks “Did you jump?”.
Paddy replies “A little bit when it first went in”.

Bootup

Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs. They stopped in front of Flaherty's house still singing. After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else?!"

"Are you Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.

"You know damn well I am," she says.

"Well, can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"

gammygils

Ever hear about the Kerry homosexual who split up with his partner for having sex behind his back?

Bootup

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
> She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'

Bootup

Paddy was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left, he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunne, if she wanted anything from England.

"Yes," she said. "could you please find my son Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me, ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, here's his address."

On the back of a handy envelope she scribbled:

Neely Dunne
WC1
London, England.

The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying 'WC'. He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom.

He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: "Are you Neely Dunne?"

"Yes, but I ran out of paper," came the reply.

"Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!"

Bootup

MonkieSocks

Now on sale at IKEA in Ballymun, Dublin. LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
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Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
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I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
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Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
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I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently,

'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.

He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says

"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
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After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full!

Bootup

Paddy always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Paddy said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'




O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

Gandr

two irish guys looking at a job advert in a forestry office.Tree Fellers Wanted was the add.**** Paddy theres only two of us...

Bootup

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Afterwards, Paddy says, "That was bloody great! I wonder how the girls got on."

Bootup

Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do.

Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."

So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm."

Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"

Bootup

Paddy: "Your new secretary is very sexy..."

Seamus: "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen ... If you squeeze
her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she
types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days,
no medical, no dental......

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient
she is".

Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted: "Seamus… You
bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil
Sharpener..."

Bootup

Two irish men landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning Paddy yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... Feck there goes another one!"

Bootup

After a long and careful planning regimen, some bank robbers began their caper.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING!

Bootup

Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept on hand for just such circumstances as this.

"Ye got your courage back now?" the dentist asked.

"No!" replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third.

"Now have ye got your courage?" asked the dentist.

"You're damn right!" Paddy said, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the SOB who'd dare to touch me teeth now!"