Nightmare 15 year old

roflcopter80

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice on a situation that has gotten out of control. My 15 year old brother in law has completely lost the run of himself and it is making life very difficult for the family and his behaviour is even beginning to cause rifts within the family. I'll try to cut a long story short, even though it's hard to know where to start!!!

So this has gone back a long time this child has always been difficult from day one, he has always thrown tantrums and manipulated his parents into giving him his own way (usually through emotional blackmail). He is the youngest in a family of all boys (none of whom gave one bit of trouble during their teenage years...they were all good students,into sports etc). His parents had to change their parenting tactics from a very early age as he constantly pushed the boundaries out as far as he could. His parents are now so terrified that he will "hurt himself" that they usually give in to him and they never follow through with his punishments.

However, in the last year things have gotten much worse. He is a compulsive liar and lies about everything, not one thing he says is the truth. He even lies about the smallest of things. Everyone knows he is lying, but this doesn't stop him. Since he started third year (this year) he has gone of the walls mitching school, fighting, smoking, smoking hash, drinking, sending sexual texts and stealing (from us- money from purses,wallets and any money he can find in cars to fund his habits). All of which he has suffered no consequences for- his phone might have been taken of him for a day or so but he eventually gets it back.

My mother in law is heartbroken with his behaviour and has been taking him to a psychologist for the last few months. Nothing has changed. He is so horrible to her, he calls her every name under the sun and has a horrible attitude to her. He is no nicer to anyone else in the family and constantly makes horrible comments. My husband and his brothers have tried everything from trying yo help him with his studies ( which he blatant refuses to do- he has failed all his mocks) to taking him fun places. None of this works, he appreciates nothing. He also has no real friends and is not able to hold friendships so he constantly moves from group to group. The group he is with now is the worst so far.

Anyway this behaviour means that the there is always and argument going on whenever we call to the house. We have a young son and we do not want him in such an environment. Especially when this young man is quiet rough towards our son. We have stopped calling to our in laws now which upsets me because we love them very much but their parenting techniques towards him are so frustrating. They won't call to us either as they can't leave him alone in the house. I miss my in- laws but I really don't want our son to be in such a hostile environment. Any suggestions on advice that I could give my in-laws?

Friel

Yeah, there's pretty much f*ck all you can do. It's up to his parents. You pretty much answered your own question, they need to come down on him hard. I'm afraid it's probably only them who can really help him, within the family. To me he sounds like he may have a mental problem, he probably needs more than a councillor.

Did you say he steals cars?

LadyMayBelle

OP see my reply in the other thread you posted ( I can't copy it over... Silly mobile phone)

roflcopter80

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

OP see my reply in the other thread you posted ( I can't copy it over... Silly mobile phone)

I saw, thanks! Hadn't realised I posted twice :eek:

I should have made that post a bit clearer. Yeah it's advice for my in-laws I need really. We are worried about them, they are so distraught!:(

ppink

roflcopter80 wrote: »

All of which he has suffered no consequences for- his phone might have been taken of him for a day or so but he eventually gets it back.

why

did he ever have consequences?

LadyMayBelle

roflcopter80 wrote: »

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice on a situation that has gotten out of control. My 15 year old brother in law has completely lost the run of himself and it is making life very difficult for the family and his behaviour is even beginning to cause rifts within the family. I'll try to cut a long story short, even though it's hard to know where to start!!!

So this has gone back a long time this child has always been difficult from day one, he has always thrown tantrums and manipulated his parents into giving him his own way (usually through emotional blackmail). He is the youngest in a family of all boys (none of whom gave one bit of trouble during their teenage years...they were all good students,into sports etc). His parents had to change their parenting tactics from a very early age as he constantly pushed the boundaries out as far as he could. His parents are now so terrified that he will "hurt himself" that they usually give in to him and they never follow through with his punishments.

However, in the last year things have gotten much worse. He is a compulsive liar and lies about everything, not one thing he says is the truth. He even lies about the smallest of things. Everyone knows he is lying, but this doesn't stop him. Since he started third year (this year) he has gone of the walls mitching school, fighting, smoking, smoking hash, drinking, sending sexual texts and stealing (from us- money from purses,wallets and any money he can find in cars to fund his habits). All of which he has suffered no consequences for- his phone might have been taken of him for a day or so but he eventually gets it back.

My mother in law is heartbroken with his behaviour and has been taking him to a psychologist for the last few months. Nothing has changed. He is so horrible to her, he calls her every name under the sun and has a horrible attitude to her. He is no nicer to anyone else in the family and constantly makes horrible comments. My husband and his brothers have tried everything from trying yo help him with his studies ( which he blatant refuses to do- he has failed all his mocks) to taking him fun places. None of this works, he appreciates nothing. He also has no real friends and is not able to hold friendships so he constantly moves from group to group. The group he is with now is the worst so far.

Anyway this behaviour means that the there is always and argument going on whenever we call to the house. We have a young son and we do not want him in such an environment. Especially when this young man is quiet rough towards our son. We have stopped calling to our in laws now which upsets me because we love them very much but their parenting techniques towards him are so frustrating. They won't call to us either as they can't leave him alone in the house. I miss my in- laws but I really don't want our son to be in such a hostile environment. Any suggestions on advice that I could give my in-laws?

Okaaaay... The kid is out of cOntrol, doing risky stuff and basically ruling the roost.... What needs to happen is for those who should be in control (ie parents) to get into control. Right now it seems the kid can do whatever he likes and everyone seems afraid of that fact. He needs to be reigned in, pronto, and if a consistent, strong approach isn't taken by his caregivers, then it's time to get the school and maybe even a family support team involved, ASAP.

Sit down with him if he will agree to it and explain that there are now rules and consequences in place. You ( I'm referring to his parents here) offer him the chance to have his say and if he won't entertain that idea then you lay the law, without him. And stick to your guns. Cancel broadband, stop his phone contract, keep valuables and money locked away or somewhere safe. Minimise the risks.

Get in touch with the school and call a meeting. Ask for help. Accept that he maybe be different in there but getting together is very effective; there may be a school counsellor, a mentor system, a particular teacher who might help out, as well as information on activities; his case is not unique. Asking for help is the biggest step, and ye need to do it.

Everyone and anyone can spend ages debating the whys and wherefores of his behaviour, but that is absolutely pointless when the kid is at a stage where they are out of control; it's ineffective unless every family member is brought down from their state of distress (parents included).

Having all the power( as he does) is actually pretty terrifying for someone, even though it doesn't seem like that to anyone else. He needs reigning in and calming down.

Do seek professional help if it's too difficult to do alone, no shame in that at all.

cynder

roflcopter80 wrote: »

Hi all,

However, in the last year things have gotten much worse. He is a compulsive liar and lies about everything, not one thing he says is the truth. He even lies about the smallest of things. Everyone knows he is lying, but this doesn't stop him. Since he started third year (this year) he has gone of the walls mitching school, fighting, smoking, smoking hash, drinking, sending sexual texts and stealing (from us- money from purses,wallets and any money he can find in cars to fund his habits). All of which he has suffered no consequences for- his phone might have been taken of him for a day or so but he eventually gets it back.s?

Sounds like my brother 16 years ago. He however had a hard childhood as did my dad.

He would smoke hash, drink, steel cars but never steel anything else, his girlfriend had a baby at 17 he would fight and so on. dad kicked him out of the house after breaking his nose at 18 and he came to live with me 30 mile away I was 17. He got a job and a new set of friends and that set him on a straight path. His been a good boy since and grew up a lot.


There is no quick solution to the problem, getting away from bad characters us a start, have they considered boarding school. Could they leave the area? Is there any aT he could get a part time job at 16 ? To teach him responsibility? These would be drastic measures but they work.

Or they have this option,

Does the lad have any hobbies? Sports he plays. If he has hobbies he wouldn't have too much free time on his hands to get up to mischief. Time to hang out with mates should be limited and he should be escorted to and from school.
other than that professional help is needed.

jellyboy

the issue is with the parents and not the child..
he (from way i can gather ) has a lot to live up to..

brothers done well y can't he etc etc..

to place that on his shoulders with all that a 15 has to carry is a lot..
thats not to say he is right to behave the way he is..

boundarys and actions are the way to go for parents...

how they devise them is to relearn how to parent a difficult teen with help from counsellors ,therapist, etc etc

it can be done..