Todays Blonde Joke

mayotom

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

Bootup

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news. "I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"
"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."
"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret. I've tried everything to quit."
"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to smoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"
"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

Bootup

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde’s pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...

Bootup

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tyres."

Bootup

The blonde single mum decided it was time for her son to learn to play hockey, so she went shopping at the local sporting goods store. "How much for these glove's?" she asked the young man working sales.
"Twenty pounds."
"How much for a bat?"
"Ten pounds."
"OK, I'll take the bat," she decided.
"Would you like a ball for that bat?"

"No," she answered. "But, I'll blow you for the glove."

Bootup

Bootup

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were having a very interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.



The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked!"



The redhead said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"



Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty. I didn't even know she had a penis!"

Bootup

A blonde walks into a store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

The owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

So the blonde leaves but comes back the next day wearing a brown wig. She says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde leaves the store in a fit of rage. Determined to get that TV, she goes to the plastic surgeon to get some work done. When it's all over, she ends up looking like a 60-year-old Asian man.

She goes straight into the store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."

But again the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."

The blonde becomes very angry and asks the owner how he knew that she was the same person all along.

The owner replies, "Well, only a blonde would point to a microwave and call it a TV."

Bootup

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blond.
"They're watch dogs ."

Bootup

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, "If I'm pregnant it will be a girl be cause I was on the bottom." The red head replies, "If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top." The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and says, "Then I'm gonna have puppies!"

Bootup

A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Fuc* off! Can't you see I'm winning!

Bootup

A young blonde secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend."After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let his mother worry."

Ellis Dee

A ventriloquist is doing his act in a nightclub and most of the cracks are coming from the dummy's mouth. He launches into a whole series of blonde jokes and the audience are in stitches until one big busty blonde stands up and starts heckling:

"Jokes like that just aren't funny any more. They just stereotype all blonde women, all women in fact, by portraying us as intellectually inferior. You really ought to appreciate that ...":)

"C'mon," says the ventriloquist, "it's only humour. People enjoy ..."

"Shut up mister and butt out," yells the blonde. "I'm talking to that little prick in your lap!":D:D

Bootup

A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist' s couch,telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Bootup

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

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There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

Bootup

A blonde was complaining about a product The shop assistant asked "whats the problem? wouldn't your cat eat them?"The blonde said"do you mean Pussy Treats are meant for cats?

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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Bootup

The blonde joined Facebook and saw that her password had to be at least 8 characters long, so she chose:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

Denis Horan

An American says to his blonde wife "Honey I am going to see the Superbowl"
She replies "Don't you need a spoon for that"

Bootup

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witnessin a
lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were
you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I
don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is
no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the
night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

Bootup

A blonde asked the garage mechanic for a longer dipstick.
May i ask why you need a longer one? he said.
Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!

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Why does a blonde only change her baby's nappies every month?

Because it says on the label, "Good for up to 20 pounds".

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Says a blonde teenage girl to her doctor, "Those birth control pills you prescribed me ."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

"Because they keep falling out."

Bootup

What do you call an eternity?
Four blonds in four cars at a four way stop.


What do SMART blonds and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.


Why can't blonds dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone !

Bootup

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops, when they decide to hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags.

The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it, she says "meow," and the cop confirms that it is just a cat.

The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it and she says "woof." The cop says that it is just a dog.

The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it, and she says in her sweetest voice, "POTATO."

Bootup

Math teacher: "After 69, what comes next?"
Blonde Student: "You wash your hands & rinse your mouth...duh."

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A young man entered the local shop and asked the blonde shop assistant, "What kind of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the blonde girl replied, wheezing as she spoke and patting her chest and seemingly unable to say much more.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"No," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

Bootup

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.
The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool.
The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out.
Twenty minutes later, the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette,
the silver medal goes to the redhead,
and the bronze medal goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser or anything,
but I think the other girls were using their arms!"

Bootup

Two blondes are walking down the Street, one blonde says look at that dog with one eye. The other blonde puts her hand over her eye and replies, “Where?”







Q) How do you confuse a blonde?
A) Put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.







Q) How does a blonde Confuse you?
A) She comes out and tells you she did it.