Todays Blonde Joke

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How come you're late?" asked the bartender as the blonde waitress walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

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Lynda, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to Lynda and asks, "Maam, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, Lynda replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask
such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right
gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

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A blonde and brunette were walking down the road. The brunette see's her
husband and he is carrying flowers. The brunette says to the blonde"Now I'm
going to have to spread my legs!"and the blonde says "Why? Don't you have a
vase?"

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Two Blondes rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million."

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?"

"I bought a house. How about your sack?"

"Bah... it was full of bills."

"And what did you do with them?"

"Er well... little by little, I'm paying them off."

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A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled “we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I’m blonde?
“Yes, it’s because your blonde,” said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. ” Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F, G!
“Very Good,” said her Mother.
Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?
“Yes it’s because your blonde!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C’s.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”

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A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your
Height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

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A blonde tried for a job,and at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here" she put "Sagittarius".

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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.

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A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says,
"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

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Two blondes went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

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Lynn & Judy were doing some carpententry work on a house.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in..
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
' Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end &
I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'

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A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a garage.
The garage owner saw that she was a blonde,so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her exhaust pipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked,'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the mechanic had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said,
'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.

She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks,” What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time."

The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with,” Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"

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What do SMART blonds and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

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Blonde Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

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How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

She threw it off of a cliff.





How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?

She fell out of the tree.





How did the blonde die, drinking milk?

The cow stepped on her.





How did the blonde burn her nose?

Bobbing for french fries.

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Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under

the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

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Amy and Wendy,two blondes, are stumbling home one night. Amy has to take a piss and stumbles off into a field. After some time Wendy goes looking for Amy. She finds her **** off a horse. When asked what she's doing, Amy replies, "Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immed- iately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

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A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in South America, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her.

After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter, the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out £27.18.

The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"

"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "That's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."

"Good Grief!" she hissed, "and I gave that bastard breakfast, too!"

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, "whatever's the matter, pet?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning, I got a "phone call saying that my mother had passed away".

The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".

"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".

Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.

When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".

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What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air? A woman collecting her thoughts.

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These three women were roommates.

One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The redhead said,"You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hairall messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The blonde said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know, we're going at night!"

Tombo2001

these jokes are crap

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Tombo2001 wrote: »

these jokes are crap

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The blonde kept failing her driver's test. Every time the examiner opened the door, she jumped into the back seat.

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Paddy: "Your new secretary is very sexy..."

Seamus: "Thanks! She's actually a robot, named Doreen ... If you squeeze
her right breast, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left breast, she
types letters. Will work as long as you like, no complaining, no sick days,
no medical, no dental......

I'll lend her to you for a day & you can see how functional and efficient
she is".

Next day, Paddy called Seamus from the hospital & shouted: "Seamus… You
bastard! You didn't tell me that the hole between Doreen's legs is a Pencil
Sharpener..."

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A blonde was shopping &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold '

'Wow, said the blonde,
'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two ice lollies & some coffee.'