Todays Blonde Joke

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A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

The store clerk replied, "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

To which the blonde answered, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

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Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears? She didn't want to get hearing aids.

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

.... she tripped over a cordless phone.
.... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
.... she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
.... she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

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An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.
"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."
"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

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A cop pulls over a blond and walks up to the car and unzips his pants. The blond says, "Oh no, not another breath test."

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A blonde goes into the dry cleaners with a stained blouse to be dry-cleaned. As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.' The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

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What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her bag to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

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A garage hired two blondes. The owner explained that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension leads, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.
Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you cleaning the car?" he asked.
"Because the extension leads wouldn't reach," was the reply.
Exasperated, he said, "That's why I gave you two."
"Well, Duh, we tried the other one!" one blonde said. "It wouldn't reach neither."

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A cop sees a car weaving so he pulls it over. He walks up and sees it's a blonde behind the wheel. When he bends down, he smells booze on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a Breathalyzer test to see if you're under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon, then he walks it back to the police car.
He comes back to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She says, "You mean it shows that, too?"

mayotom

This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She becomes frantic and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I’m in the front seat.."

"Okay," says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven..."

mayotom

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke cowboy I think it is only fair given th
at you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

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There were three women stranded on a Island for about three years.One was a brunette,the other was a red head,and one a blonde.
They were walking on the beach one day looking for a passing ship or some way to be rescued.
As they walked along they come upon a old lamp looking thing. as they rubbed it to clean it out pops a genie.
He said "thank you all for releasing me,I only have three wishes,so each of you can wish anything you want".
The brunette says I'm first,I want to be home with my family puff shes there.
The red head says I'm next I want to be home with my family..puff shes there.
The blonde starts crying and says I miss my friends I wish they were here with me

patmac

What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette....
A blonde doing cartwheels!

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A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed;
I tried being a writer and failed;
then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said...
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The blonde thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

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NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:
***********************
The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

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Two blondes were listening to the radio when a commercial for a weight loss program came on.
The woman in the ad proudly proclaimed, "I lost six inches using this product!"
Puzzled, one blonde turned to the other and asked "Why would anyone want to be shorter?"

Hilly Bill

Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

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Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.



Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.



Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."

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There was a typical blond. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day she decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you," said the woman. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied: "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Hilly Bill

Degrees Of Blondeness

1st DEGREE:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

2nd DEGREE:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

3rd DEGREE:
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy: W."

4th DEGREE:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

5th DEGREE:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

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A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.
"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked.
"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's inscribed, "To the Man Who Was My First"
"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

Hilly Bill

A blond a, a brunette and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach.

Suddenly a genie appears to them and says "I will grant you each one wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff."

So the redhead jumps off and shouts "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away.

Then the brunette jumps off and shouts "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away.

Finally the blond runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as as she falls she shouts out "****"

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A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night , he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?
What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells :
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shi* on your lap!"

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Did you hear about the blonde badger? Got one leg stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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A blonde gets a job as a teacher She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: "Because I'm the f*cking goalkeeper"

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said “Look at that dog with one eye!”

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?”

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Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm stupid...
I know my husband is having an affair and when I find out who Stella Artios is, I'm going to kill her!