Todays Groaner

Bootup

Mr. Oliver Fiddle had a lifelong dream of going to Divinity School to get his Doctor of Divinity degree. After years of saving, at long last, he entered the university. He worked and studied hard and this June his dream will come true when he finally receives his degree. From that day forward, he will be known to one and all as O. Fiddle D.D.

Bootup

The Lone Ranger & Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" Lone Ranger said, "I do......why?"
Cowboy said, I just thought you'd like to know your horse is almost dead."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got Silver some water and soon he was feeling better. Lone Ranger said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel much better." Tonto said, "sure, Kemasabe", and took off running circles around Silver while Lone Ranger goes back in bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later another cowboy struts into the bar and asks. "Who owns the big white horse outside." The Lone Ranger claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says, "Nuthin, but you left your Injun runnin."

Bootup

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired
a young native to accompany him as his guide.
Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.
The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh, no! These are foo birds and
to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!
The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.
Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.
He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash
this mess off.
The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means
sudden death immediately!
Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.
The moral of this story is "If the foo shi*s, wear it."

Bootup

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!)

After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.

"Come back next week," he said to her.

Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but gasped! They still had not returned!

Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at the counter.

The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear. Someday your prints will come."

Bootup

Two whales, William and Wanda were swimming through the ocean when they came across a ship. ' I recognise that ship', snarled William, 'thats the same one that harpooned my father 2 years ago. Come on Wanda lets swim underneath and blow out our water and capsize the ship.'

William and Wanda proceeded to do this and sure enough the ship capsized.

William then noticed the crew swimming to safety to the shore so he said, 'I'm not having that so lets chase them and eat them up!'.

To which Wanda replied, 'I've already done the blow-job and now you're expecting me to swallow the seamen!

Bootup

A guy on holiday in Spain fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Bootup

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Bootup

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

Bootup

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were
just hanging around the apartment.
Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back
and forth around their place doing some chores.
Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she
would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down.”
As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips. "I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank.”
Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling. Let me be Frank!”

Bootup

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Bootup

A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy's colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.
"You're not going to believe this," says the doctor: "But I've just found £1,900 inside your rectum."
"Hmm," says the patient. "Well, I guess that explains why I haven't been feeling too grand."

Bootup

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded and said, "Well then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."

Bootup

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?" The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. That's not my dog."

Bootup

A man enters a pharmacy and requested a supply of Viagra. The clerk sends him over to speak with the pharmacist. The pharmacist tells the man he would need a Doctor's prescription in order for her to dispense the drug.

The man, seemingly pacified, leaves.... and returns with a gun. He pulled a hand gun and demanded Viagra again. The pharmacist gave him four full bottles and two partial bottles, then the man fled.

The police sergeant who was first on the scene pondered, "This makes me wonder. Do we look for a hardened criminal?"

Bootup

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?" asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

Bootup

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"

Bootup

In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honored to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner center circle.

Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

Bootup

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

Bootup

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Bootup

I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub. We were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me. She removed her wig and she was totally bald.

"It's alopecia," she said, "but if you still like me you can ask me anything."

I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight. "Does your condition make you bald in other places?"

She whispered in my ear, "There's only one way to find out."

What an idiot I am...forgetting about Google at a time like this.

Bootup

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers saw the nun the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied "OK, but I should warn
you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way" said the nun. So
the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minute, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

"Now, how about that drink?"

Bootup

Four Roman Catholic men and a Roman Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Roman Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Roman Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Roman Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Roman Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Roman Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim, Tall,38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Bootup

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer.

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!"

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"

Bootup

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.

Bootup

Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week, and we all got rat-arsed."

Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry my mum next year." Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.

In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my mum."

The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."

Bootup

The Jewish astronaut just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian Bar Mitzvah.

An intrigued reporter jumped right in, "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it fun? How was the food?"

The astronaut replied that it was just "OK."

"What do you mean?" snapped the newsman. "Was it the food?"

"No," said the astronaut, "the food was fine."

"Were the people not nice?" countered the reporter.

"No, the people were very friendly."

"Well, then, what was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only OK?"

The astronaut looked at him and replied, "There was no atmosphere."

Bootup

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see the window cleaner at the window, jaw agape at what he's just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings -- it's the window cleaner.
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
"Fifty quid," comes the reply.
"Fifty quid?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them. He does a great job," replies the vicar. "Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually."
"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

Bootup

A doctor started an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out her pregnancy and have the baby over there.
"But, how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well, he said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write
'sauerkraut' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
Six months went by.
Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office. "Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!" "Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied.
Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which read: "SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!!!"

Bootup

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Bootup

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
The relieved priest said, "Thanks, what did you tell him?"
The rabbi replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

Bootup

The trustees of the Madrid Zoo read that there were only thirty-four whooping cranes left in the United States and determined that they must have one before the breed became extinct.
Never mind what Spanish wiles they had to exercise to fulfill their ambition; suffice it to say that a whooping crane was dispatched via air freight in due course and consigned to the Madrid Zoo.
Alas, when the fool bird arrived at the Madrid Airport, he flatly refused to debark, and the brokenhearted trustees had to return empty-handed to their zoo.

The moral of this story is that... cranes in Spain stick mainly to the plane.