Todays Groaner

Bootup

CONDOM WEEK SLOGANS

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection, is to protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

naughtysmurf

Bootup wrote: »

CONDOM WEEK SLOGANS

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.

If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.

When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection, is to protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

Years ago, Virgin brought out condoms called Jiffy's and advertised wih the line "Real men come in a Jiffy"

Bootup

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when, suddenly, he got a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out and assessed the damage.



Luckily a four-wheel-drive Jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle. The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of manhood.



"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"



"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire and I must admit I've never changed one before."



"Don't worry about it, father. I'll take care of it."



And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand, removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other. "Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?" he asked.



"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.



The priest rolled the spare around to the strong-man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts. "Do you need the wrench?" the father inquired.



"No. That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."



"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better go get the wrench."

Bootup

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender said, "Get out of here with that dog."

The guy said, "But this isn't just any dog. This dog can play the piano."

The bartender replied, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house."

So, the guy sat the dog on the piano stool, and the dog started playing. Ragtime, Mozart, Philip Glass ... and the bartender and all of the patrons enjoyed the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog ran in, grabbed the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him out. The bartender asked the guy, "What the heck was that all about?"

The guy replied, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Bootup

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Well," says Mother Mary, "honestly, I was really hoping for a girl."

Bootup

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Bootup

A string walks into bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, "There is no strings allowed in here!" So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself intoa knot and frays himself at the ends. Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, "Weren't you just the string that walked in here?" "No," he says, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Bootup

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.



At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan!



They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!



She lives for ten more years, and then dies.



Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket.



As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that frickin' wall!"

Bootup

Heard today on the news that a woman ran out of the church in the middle of her own wedding. No one heard her say anything. She just threw off her headdress and ran out the side door with a very determined expression on her face. Members of the wedding party spent the rest of the afternoon and much of the evening searching for the woman, who was still believed to be wearing her bride's dress, but without avail.

Bootup

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream.

Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I`ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge."

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don`t see anyone around, now`s your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder.

"Holy ****!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn`t a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection."

Bootup

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She
directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Bootup

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a brothel.

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"

Bootup

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitxh."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That;s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): " That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!"

Bootup

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having sex in public?" He asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in a 30 mph speed zone!"

Bootup

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

Bootup

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis."

The third man said "I died of seenus."

The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Bootup

When they found out their wives were attending a sex-toy party, the husbands refused to go and pick them up, and instead left them to their own devices.

Bootup

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.



He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b." "I
don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.



"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man. "O.K. Here are three Bibles.



Go out and sell them." said the owner.



So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.



The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.



Theman came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."



The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than
anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when
they come to the door?"



"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

Bootup

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?'

'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ....Twist!'

Bootup

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.



Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.



The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."



The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."



The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."



And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,



"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"



The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

Bootup

Scientists have developed a new pill that will now help impotent men who are also hay fever sufferers. By combining Allegra to take care of the allergies, and Viagra for the impotency, it gives you an erection not to be sneezed at!

Bootup

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.



The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.



He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.



The teller said, "Fluctuations."



The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too! "

Bootup

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep crap now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Bootup

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down,but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Bootup

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... smallcocks."

Bootup

Mary walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy: "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Mary. "Mustard!"

Bootup

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, your 'lower mouth'?"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He says, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not always."

racso1975

sorry bootup just realised this was your thread

Bootup

Two men were grumbling over their problems. The first man said, "My wife left me for a man who drives an ice cream van." His friend began to ask, "You mean..." "Yeah," the first guy replied. "She left me for Mr. Softy

Bootup

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "pussy".

He did this only for a very short while, and then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "pussy". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"