Todays Groaner

Bootup

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.


"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him.

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again “with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.


"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...

"What on earth would they want with a plasterer??"

Bootup

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see the condoms on the shelf...

Frustrated, he finally unzips, whips it out, places his dong on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five dollars, unzips, lays his Johnson across from the deaf mute's member, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf guy begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," says the pharmacist, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet!"

Bootup

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Bootup

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody"

Bootup

A priest and a nun come out of a parish meeting late at night and the father says to the nun, "Sister, would you mind if I walked you to you door?"

She answered, "OK, but just this once."

They walked quietly the her building and the father said, "Sister, would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek?"

The nun answered, "Okay, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Bootup

Juggling Is Better Than Sex Because

... You don't need a partner to juggle.

... Having blue balls isn't a bad thing.

... You don't have to worry about how many other people your partner has juggled with.

... Jugglers aren't judged by the size of their balls.

... You don't have to wear protection.

... You don't have to worry if your juggling partner is a minor.

... After juggling, you can do it again right away.

... Easier to keep balls in the air for long periods of time.

... Don't need nine months to recover from a mistake.

... When you finish, your balls are just as hard as when you started.

Bootup

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Bootup

The local police department answered a call from the convent about a strange object circling overhead. When the officer arrived to take the report, he asked Mother Superior what kind of object it was.

"I can't say," she replied, "but sister Elizabeth says she knows exactly what it looked like. Would you like to speak with her?"

"That's OK," said the policeman. "I'll just put it down as a nun-identified flying object."

Bootup

A well dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, "Would you have sex with me for a million pounds?" "For a MILLION pounds?!" she replied, more than a little stunned, "Of course I would!" "Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five pounds?" "Twenty five pounds? Don't be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?" "We've already established what kind of girl you are; now we're just haggling over price."

Bootup

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.


Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen

Bootup

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."

The doctor examined Harry and said, "I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting; you have a good case of hemorrhoids." He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him, "Go home now, and use one of these each morning and one at night until they're gone. Then come back and we'll see how you are."

Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned, still complaining of hemorrhoids.

"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"

"Yes, I did," said Harry.

"I took one every morning and every night as you instructed, even though they were pretty hard to swallow. For all the good they did me, I might just as well have shoved them up my arse!"

Wftablueboy

My next door neighbours the Finns who are both marine biologists , have just welcomed their first child into the world ....... They've named him ...Adolf





Yea you got it Adolf Finn. :-))

Bootup

A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him: "How much is the flied lice today?"

The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for speech lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront the Greek with his new skill.

When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question, "How much is the flied lice?"

The Chinese replies confidently:

"It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!"

Bootup

I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub. We were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me. She removed her wig and she was totally bald. ''It's alopecia,'' she said ''but if you still like me you can ask me anything."

I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight. ''Does your condition make you bald in other places?'' I asked.

She whispered in my ear, ''There's only one way to find out."

What an idiot I am...forgetting about Google at a time like this.

Bootup

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"



She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."



He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.



About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

Bootup

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come," he said.

"Hello, Saint Peter," said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life," he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."

And off the nun went.

"Next," said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life?"

"I spent my life like a normal human being," another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now," he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night," said the beautiful woman.

"Here is a key made of copper," he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

"No, this is the key for my apartment."

Bootup

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, 'You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his pri*k.
The old woman says, "you're going out like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

Bootup

A man was suffering from a stomachache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb. God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down."

Bootup

HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends.
On the invitation he puts: "Theme party - come as a human emotion."

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his chest.
He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with is penis stuck in a pear.
The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm f*cking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."

getz

watching the darts match on tv,there was a dispute on who throws first,it was decided that the nearest to bull would be the one,peter said baa and patrick said moo,peter then said your the nearest you go first.

Bootup

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Not something to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm..., PHYSICALLY attracted to my horse!" "Hmmm." Then the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

Bootup

A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a good rodgering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says... "Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand."

Bootup

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout!"

Bootup

A bloke goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:
" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on
suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.

"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.

"What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth out."

Bootup

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

Bootup

A mental patient escapes from the asylum for the criminally insane. He goes into town and rapes a woman.

The headlines in the paper the next day read: Nut Bolts and Screws.

Bootup

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."

The judge said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

Bootup

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of knickers in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

Aglomerado

What do you call ten fannies stacked on top of each other?




A block of flaps!

Bootup

One day Superman was on top of a building, when he sees Wonder woman nude sunbathing across to the other building. He thinks to himself, "Wow I would love to do her," then he thinks, "Hey, I'm Superman, I'll just zoom down, do her and fly away quick." ...So he zooms down and does her. She jumps up and asked ‘what the hell was that?’ The invisable man gets up and says, "I dont know but my ass hurts bad."