Todays Groaner

Bigus

Bootup wrote: »

A mental patient escapes from the asylum for the criminally insane. He goes into town and rapes a woman.

The headlines in the paper the next day read: Nut Bolts and Screws.

No he raped a woman who worked in the laundry and fled

so the headline was

Nut screws washer and bolts.:D

Trampas

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them s**t in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird ****?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.'

Bootup

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.
On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor.
The doctor says this is amazing, and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.
The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.
"She choked."

Wftablueboy

My 4 year old swollowed 7 scrabble tiles earlier ..... His next **** could spell trouble ;-)

Hilly Bill

Just been given a great recipe...Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

Bootup

Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
Two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
That A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a ound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Bootup

Top Rejected International Sports Team Names:

Brussels Sprouts

Cannes Openers

Amsterdam Yankees

Belgium Waffles

Manila Folders

Czech Bouncers

New Dehli Catessans

Seoul Brothers

Dublin Mint Twins

Peking Toms

Bootup

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in B&Q."

Bootup

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?" "It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation." "What did he say when it occurred?" "He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

Bootup

Name the first Afghan off the boat...

Amhere.

name the second Afghan off the boat...

Amhere Azwel.

name the third Afghan off the boat...

Amhere Azwel Azhim.

Bootup

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Bootup

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

Bootup

Two Jews decide they're going to assassinate Hitler. They
carefully and painstakingly map out their plans over several
months. They work their way past border patrols, armed guards,
and other dangers to show up outside of a bar.

The bar is one their intelligence operatives have determined that
Hitler visits every Tuesday at 11:30 p.m. They hide around the
side of the bar and wait patiently for the chance to kill this
monster.

11:30 comes. No Hitler.

11:35 comes. Still he's not shown up.

At 11:45, one of the men turns to the other and says,

"Oy,Vey, I hope nothing's happened to him."

Bootup

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

Bootup

With all the big headline news and drama going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started...

Bootup

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

james142

My girlfriend laughed at me when i said i was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen here face as i drove pasta.

Bootup

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born
"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny, not a fu*king photo copier

Bootup

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking, getting a lap dance from a naked woman, and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Bootup

A businessman preparing to go on a long business trip thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah, right, Magic Penis, my arse.'

Bootup

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.

After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer.

Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?"

"Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."

Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"

He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?"

"Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."

Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?"

"I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"

"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."

Bootup

A bloke with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fu*k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background: "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

Bootup

A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last-minute shoppers.
Walking through the shopping centre, the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned and then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"
His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion and she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..." . .
"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door to it."

BENDERS LINKS

Bootup wrote: »

A bloke with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fu*k had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background: "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

You're a great lad for the funnies Bootup!

Bootup

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

Trampas

I was at a football match in aid of Alzheimer's and all the fans were sufferers. Brilliant chanting ringing around the stadium all match....................

"Who are we, Who are we"..

Bootup

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastid tapped me on the shoulder and said "I don't find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits."
I said "Sorry mate. Did he drown?"
"No," he said, "he choked on a sock."

Bootup

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

derm0j073

Sir Alex Ferguson defended his decision to leave Van Persie on the bench for today's match in the rain claiming...

"The boy could have drowned!"

Bootup

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
Lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
Smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees