Todays Groaner

Bootup

A man was taken to hospital with 6 plastic horses up his ars*.The hospital described his condition as stable.

Bootup

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,


"Miss,Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

Bootup

2500 years ago in Greece, a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival .
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

Bootup

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! "
" Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.
Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "
The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

Hilly Bill

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Bootup

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT

Bootup

]Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry.
"Great!" he says.
Next night he comes home from work, and it's stir-fry again.
"Just as delicious as last night," he says.
Next night -- stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of stir-fry again," he says.
Next night -- stir-fry again.
"Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it's not stir-fry."
Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking.
He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.
"Aha!" he says. "You're going to make stir-fry again!"
"Don't be silly," she says. "I'm going to iron your shirts."

Hilly Bill

Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".

Hilly Bill

Our neighbors dog done its business in our garden so Wife told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog poop in our garden and the neighbour has our shovel....

Hilly Bill

A MAN is standing a bar when he hears a voice coming from the peanut bowl. "I really like your tie," it says. "You're smashing, you are. You're really lovely." Surprised, the man picks up his drink, and walks to his table. Passing the cigarette machine, he hears another voice. "You and your wife are ugly, fat and stupid," the voice says.The man is baffled and asks the barman what is going on.
"I'm so sorry," says the barman. "The peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Bootup

A fellow and his mate were watching two lesbians in the pub.
Suddenly one of them jumps up from her table and storms out of the pub.
The guy says to his mate "What do you think happened there?"
His mate thoughtfully replies, "She obviously can't handle her licker!"

Bootup

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

However, he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

Trampas

Amsterdam is like the tour de france

Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes

Wftablueboy

My wife is like an onion
The more layers you peel off
The more tears come to your eyes .......

Bootup

Dick and Sandra were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sandra said, "Will we go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon?"
"Uh huh," said Dick
"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"Uh huh," said Dick.
"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Sandra.
"That's right," said Dick, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Allyall

My Uncle was arrested today.
He read that anal sex is still illegal in Iceland. He didn't know it was the same in Tesco's ....

Bootup

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

Hilly Bill

Any chance of some new ones bootup instead of reposting last year's by other posters?

Squeaky the Squirrel

Hilly Bill wrote: »

Any chance of some new ones bootup instead of reposting last year's by other posters?

To which do you refer?

Hilly Bill

18-09-2012, 21:55 #2639
Wftablueboy
Registered User


Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 64
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To commemorate prince Williams and Kate middletons visit to the far east royal dalton Are releasing a collectors item of 2 small jugs

Squeaky the Squirrel

Hilly Bill wrote: »

18-09-2012, 21:55 #2639
Wftablueboy
Registered User


Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 64
Adverts | Friends
To commemorate prince Williams and Kate middletons visit to the far east royal dalton Are releasing a collectors item of 2 small jugs

It's not even in this Thread!

Your put down post expects Bootup to remember every joke on the whole site is it?

Hilly Bill

Squeaky the Squirrel wrote: »

It's not even in this Thread!

Your put down post expects Bootup to remember every joke on the whole site is it?

Not from the whole site but when the joke is from an incident last year then there is a good chance that its already posted.
I know it not from this thread but thats only one example . I could do the same in the other thread for a repost of a joke from here

Cant expect to remember? 95% of the so called jokes are his so it doesnt mean he needs to repost the others to make it 100%
If he is going to copy and paste jokes at the rate he does then he is bound to duplicate some at some stage.

Bootup

Hilly Bill wrote: »

Not from the whole site but when the joke is from an incident last year then there is a good chance that its already posted.
I know it not from this thread but thats only one example . I could do the same in the other thread for a repost of a joke from here

Cant expect to remember? 95% of the so called jokes are his so it doesnt mean he needs to repost the others to make it 100%
If he is going to copy and paste jokes at the rate he does then he is bound to duplicate some at some stage.

Any chance of you posting some jokes,not complaints to get your post score up???

Allyall

Bootup wrote: »

Any chance of you posting some jokes,not complaints to get your post score up???

Grroooaaaaannn...

Hilly Bill

Bootup wrote: »

Any chance of you posting some jokes,not complaints to get your post score up???

Ive posted a few as they come along, i dont need to go searching the net for any old jokes just so that i can post them on here.

Post score????? Is there a prize for the most posts? Is that why you repost old jokes? does anyone really care about how much posts they have made?

Bootup

Places I have been....

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

Bootup

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano
it was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket
a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then,suddenly,the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SH*T" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre

Hilly Bill

Dear Sir,

On behalf of Channel 4 television, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.

Also the charming photograph of her you enclosed.

Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would like to point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards

Channel 4

Bootup

Bob was lamenting to the barman that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barman said, "It's actually really romantic."
"You think so?" responded Bob. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was down the pub with the lads.
And to put the top hat on it, the Madam wouldn't give me my money back and refused to give me another girl."

Bootup

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks,"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Frank. The midget."