Todays Groaner

Bootup

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a London casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Ascot that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race card and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed £100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then £5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in Races 2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?' she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t!' he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

Bootup

I was sitting at the computer the other day toying with making a will,

I called out to my wife,"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

She shouted back "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "

Bootup

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Bootup

My son asked me, "Dad, what's a camel toe?" "Well son, I spluttered, "It's the outline of the ladies privates in her underwear. Why do you want to know?"
"We have a school project about different types of travel around the world. I'm doing the desert caravan. I know huskies in the Arctic tow sleds. Just wondering what a camel tows."

Lingua Franca

Re: griping session on previous page

Bootup wrote: »

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:
'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Bootup wrote: »

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

You're repeating your own jokes in your own thread.

Bootup

Lingua Franca wrote: »

Re: griping session on previous page


You're repeating your own jokes in your own thread.

It was posted a year ago...so my memories crap!...will have to ask the mods to start a moaners thread...

Lingua Franca

Awesome thread dude, no wonder it's so heavily trafficked.

Hilly Bill

Bootup wrote: »

It was posted a year ago...so my memories crap!...will have to ask the mods to start a moaners thread...

Its not just your memory

Bigus

Hilly Bill wrote: »

Its not just your memory

So you tell us a joke so !

Bootup

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been f*cked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye,well,ya will be when the tide comes in."

Achtung Maybe

1. Did you hear about the mobile phone for priests? Its a Pray-As-You-Go

2. Heres a picture with me and REM...thats me in the corner !

3. The years biggest selling DVD was Poltergeist..they were flying off the shelves

Bootup

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life...
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life....
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he shouted to his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

Achtung Maybe

I went to the Doctors and asked him if he had anything for wind...he handed me a kite!

I checked into a hotel and asked for an early morning call...the receptionist responded with "how about cockadoodledoo"

Bootup

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says
'Buggeroff, ye'll not bring it back!'

Wftablueboy

I got a tip for a horse in the 3.30 at Ascot tomorrow , it's called Tarzen , they reckon he'll be in the first tree .........

Bootup

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

Achtung Maybe

I went to a shop to buy a bed, I was mulling over two options, the salesman said " I know it is a big decision would you like to sleep on it?" I said, "Of course I bloody well want to sleep on it!!

Bootup

A man who works in a pickle factory develops an overpowering obsession to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
The obsession grows and grows and finally becomes a compulsion.
Finally, one day, right on the spot and in front of his fellow workers, he drops his pants and jams his penis right into the pickle slicer.
They fired him, of course-and they also fired the pickle slicer.

Bootup

Bootup

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the F*ck do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".

Bootup

An Aussie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Bootup

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man".

"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at your watch and say, 'times up'"?

Bootup

Two women were bemoaning the state of the National Health Service.
One said, "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?"
"That's appalling," said the other woman. "What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."
"I know," said the first woman. "It got so bad that at one point I even said to her,
'Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'

Bootup

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg ? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?What happened to your hand ?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook But I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch ?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds Flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh*t in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t ."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Bootup

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

Hilly Bill

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if i won the lotto?" The wife said, "I'd take half and leave you". The man said, "Great! I've won a tenner, here's a fiver, now feck off!"

Bootup

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

M5

Enjoying myself in a club last night. This really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your phone number sexy."

I said, " Have you got a pen. " She smiled and said, " Yes. "

I said, " Well **** off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing."

deebag14

I went to a shop to buy a bed, I was mulling over two options, the salesman said " I know it is a big decision would you like to sleep on it?" I said, "Of course I bloody well want to sleep on it!!

Moses7

The verdict is laughter – funny court records