Todays Groaner

Bootup

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

Bootup

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shi*e an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'

Bootup

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?
'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

Bootup

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but
I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night

Bootup

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?' He says, "I'm a Fireman'"
"But you're only wearing a glass jar!" says the woman.
"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

Bootup

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Bootup

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING AN AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE FINAL..
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND..
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA..
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO BRISBANE.. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA... THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE.."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND... THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE..."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE!"

Bootup

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.

" Bradford " !!!... There's thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot.

Bootup

A friend asked me, “Now that you’re retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, he said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ask me for it.

Bootup

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

Bootup

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on
her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

Bootup

The body builder takes off his shirt.

And the blonde says,"What a great chest you have!'

He tells her,That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'"What massive calves you have!'

The body builder tells her,'That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was"!'

Bootup

My wife is sat in the garden sunbathing and eating an apple.
I've had to put a sign on the gate, as I'm pissed off with people knocking asking how much for the hog roast.

Bootup

Two pieces of vomit are walking down the street, all of a sudden one burts into tears.

'Whats wrong with you' asks the other bit of vomit.


'Im sorry, Its just I always get emotional when I pass the place I was brought up.....'

Bootup

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --
'THE TEETH.'

Bootup

What can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?

The P is silent.






A man was assaulted and mugged at theme park Legoland.

Police are putting the pieces together so they can build a case.






"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

Bootup

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a

d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e

t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y

I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he

was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e...r..e

s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r p..o..r..c..h a..n..d

t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g

h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r

t..h..a...t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d,

s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e. A..n..d

t..h..e..n.. s..h..e t..h.r..e...w t..h..e r..i...n..g

i..n m..y f..a..c..e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first

friend.

"W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l...o...w..l..y,

t..h..a.t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e

l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h...e

w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s n..u..t..s!"

Bootup

.....
Yorkshire Jokes

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E’ by gum!!"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us!"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................


Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye a do, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Trampas

English literature GCSE multiple choice exam:

Q1: "To be or not..."

1: A
2: B
3: C

Bootup

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ..... What's the problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”

Bootup

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."

Bootup

A bloke walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work."

And the barman says, "Oh? What do you do?"

The bloke says, "I take care of the corgis -- you know, the dogs the royal family owns."

The barman asks, "Tough job, huh?"

The bloke says, "Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren't too smart, either."

Bootup

A bloke broke into my house last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.



-- Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Bootup

True stories!:eek:


My daughter and I went to the McDonald'scheck-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we donot do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald'sin St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!




We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us that oneof our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made atthat time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four islarger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the HighwaysDepartment to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! Idon't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from PottersBar, Hertfordshire.

dvae

probablyfunnybutifoundithardtoread.

Bootup

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said."Let me guess... Smallcox.....

Bootup

STRESS
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to a hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful, So then... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home. Now, THAT is stress!.

Xenophile

The Sensuous wife:
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............

"Go look in the garage."

Xenophile

Christmas Shopping

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag, found her mobile phone and used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewelery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you…?”

His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes, I remember that jewelery shop.”

“Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to it, it's called "Angels and Devils".

Bootup

Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.
I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to break wind.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.