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Family annoyed over sir-name

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  • 05-04-2012 12:10pm
    #1
    Shane-KornSpace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭


    Hi all.
    My two month old son is soon to be baptised.I'm his dad, by the way.

    His sir-name given is the mothers' sir-name, not mine. Im fine with that. When I sent out the invites to the christening, I started getting calls from my family demanding to know why his sirname is not mine. It seems they assumed his sirname was that of my family.
    Long story short, they're all very annoyed with me and my other half over this.
    My point to them was that is was OUR decision to make. Not theirs - and they should respect that.
    I am suddenly feeling very pressured by my dad and other family members to change the name.
    Has anybody got any advice? Have any of you been in this situation before?

    Thanks.


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    #2
    Ayla
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Ayla


    Question: are you & your son's mother married?


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    #3
    Shane-KornSpace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭Shane-KornSpace


    No, we're not. We're only 23 and 24.


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    #4
    Ayla
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Ayla


    Then - as far as I understand it - your son doesn't have the right to your surname (although I could be wrong). He would automatically get the mother's surname if you two aren't married.

    Actually, thinking more on it, maybe I'm completely wrong on the above. But regardless of the legalities, it was yours & the mother's choice at your son's birth. You made that choice, and regardless of what the family thinks, it's done. They will learn to get over it.


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    #5
    newmammy2011
    Registered Users Posts: 187 ✭✭newmammy2011


    You can give baby either surname when you are unmarried. Its a personal choice.
    Only advice I can give is to tell family to mind their own business!


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    #6
    Mongarra
    Registered Users Posts: 1,119 ✭✭✭Mongarra


    I'm surprised the family don't like the idea of the child being called Junior Korn-space! Sorry, wrong wording but you know what I mean!


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    #7
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Newmammy is correct, the child can have either name, or even double barrel it so long as both consent to it.

    I don't mean to be rude OP, but your family needs to mind their own business. It's down to you and your partner whatever you decide, and if they don't like it they can lump it.


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    #8
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I can understand this from both sides.
    Having kids while unmarried and also haven grown up in a house where everyone has different surnames.
    Maybe you could give your surname as a middle name?
    If you ever get married which I will guess is not on the cards anytime soon then they can all take your surname.


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    #9
    Lola92
    Registered Users Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭Lola92


    If the child's name has already been registered then you can't change the sir-name (without doing it by deedpoll etc.) unless you get married.

    Tell the family to mind their own business. Just because he has your partners name and not yours does not make him any less your child or part of their family.


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    #10
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,953 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    I would suggest applying for guardianship though so you have legal rights.


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    #11
    Sleepy
    Registered Users Posts: 24,249 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Tell them you'll change the child's name if they want to pay for the wedding if it's something you're considering anyway ;)


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    #12
    James Jones
    Registered Users Posts: 534 ✭✭✭James Jones


    Just explain to them that, as an unmarried father, you have absolutely no legal relationship with your son and his mother is in control of each and every decision that is to be made. In fact, the bloke you last bought milk or petrol of has as much of a say in decisions relating to your son as you have.
    If they're worried about your lack of involvement when it comes to naming your son, ask them how they'll feel when they discover that his choice of school will have nothing to do with you either, medical matters will be dealt with by the mother alone and that, even if you live with your child for ten years, his mother can just emigrate (see HERE) with him if she wants and there will be nothing you can do.

    SUGGESTION: If you care for your child, ask his mum to marry you. It's definitely a better reason to have a day out than because you love his mother and it will give you legal status with your son that a Statutory Declaration or Court Order never will, as such Guardianship can be removed.


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    #13
    Kildrought
    Registered Users Posts: 381 ✭✭Kildrought


    Question:
    ..are you married?...
    Answer:
    No, we're not. We're only 23 and 24.
    I'm amused that the OP suggests they are too young to make a commitment to marry each other but not too young to commit to having a child together!


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    #14
    cynder
    Registered Users Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    Whats done is done, tell them that! there is no going back.

    However you can expect 24 questions if you ever try to leave the country with your child.......


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    #15
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    tell the family to sod off and mind their own business

    seriously though do think about getting married, you currently have about 0 rights


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    #16
    Shane-KornSpace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭Shane-KornSpace


    are the lack of rights as a result of the name given?


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    #17
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    no, nothing to do with the name


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    #18
    Shane-KornSpace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭Shane-KornSpace


    Ok, so Joint Guardianship is something to look in to. Thanks for that.


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    #19
    Lola92
    Registered Users Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭Lola92


    Just to point out you don't need to be married to get joint guardianship. You can fill out a simple declaration and get it signed off.


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    #20
    RubyGirl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭RubyGirl


    Op is your name on the birth certificate? If so then this is the only important document not whats on a christening or invites.


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    #21
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.


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    #22
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Daisy M wrote: »
    I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.

    he can take hers


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    #23
    Lola92
    Registered Users Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭Lola92


    Daisy M wrote: »
    I agree it is your decision and your family should respect your choice. However maybe you and your gf should think a little more long term, if you and your gf marry or end up having more children and decide you would like for you all to have the same or a double barrell surname then it would be a little more complicated to change your childs name on the birth cert. If you put both surnames on the cert then you can choose to use one on a day to day basis but have the option to include the other in the future.

    It is actually very simple. Changing a child's name in the case if marriage of the parents just requires all involved to go to the registrars office with ID and a copy of original birth cert and marriage cert. A new birth cert with new/changed name will then be issued.


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    #24
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    bluewolf wrote: »
    he can take hers

    If the op was female I would be encouraging her to put both surnames on the birth cert, my advice wasnt given on either the op and his gf using his/her surname in the event of marriage but based on keeping options open in case of a change of circumstances. Like, god forbid the death of one of the parents or a change in the op and his gfs feelings regards surnames.

    Lola I didnt know that its great its so simple now.


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    #25
    coffee_cake
    Registered Users Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Daisy M wrote: »
    If the op was female I would be encouraging her to put both surnames on the birth cert, my advice wasnt given on either the op and his gf using his/her surname in the event of marriage but based on keeping options open in case of a change of circumstances. Like, god forbid the death of one of the parents or a change in the op and his gfs feelings regards surnames.

    Lola I didnt know that its great its so simple now.

    i didnt mean marriage i meant deed poll, he can change his, or they can change the kid's


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    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 3,505 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, disregard your family's objections. They're being ridiculous.


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    #27
    Shane-KornSpace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭Shane-KornSpace


    thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
    now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying


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    #28
    James Jones
    Registered Users Posts: 534 ✭✭✭James Jones


    Lola92 wrote: »
    Just to point out you don't need to be married to get joint guardianship. You can fill out a simple declaration and get it signed off.
    Guardianship by either Statutory Declaration or Court Order can be taken from a father by the Court whereas Guardianship by marriage can't.


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    #29
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Shane-KornSpace wrote: »
    thanks for the replies. ive been getting calls from my parents and my grandad, telling me how im direspecting the famiy by not giving him my name.
    now im just feeling pressured in to making a change. very annoying

    Point out how disrespectful it would be to your partner's family to give the child your name.

    We plan on a double barrel surname for our child, we won't be entertaining any expressions of sorrow or anger from anyone, including our parents. Our family, our decision, no else gets a say.


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    #30
    Lola92
    Registered Users Posts: 2,192 ✭✭✭Lola92


    James Jones wrote: »
    Guardianship by either Statutory Declaration or Court Order can be taken from a father by the Court whereas Guardianship by marriage can't.

    Unless the OP has a reason to believe that his partner intends on trying to remove his guardianship at some stage through the courts or he is a completely unfit parent then he probably doesn't have much to worry about. Marriage is a hell of a step to take just to get 'equal' guardianship of his own child and not necessary if the OP doesn't plan on getting married right now to go rushing into it just for this sake!

    OP, tell your family how much they are disrespecting you and your partner by not accepting your wishes on this matter. It is obviously a decision that you both came to together and have considered. Your family need to stick their nose out of it. The child is both of yours equally and I don't know why they think that their name is so superior as to deserve a place beside your child's name rather than his mothers name.

    I am not married to my partner and our daughter has my name and we are both very proud of that.


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    #31
    James Jones
    Registered Users Posts: 534 ✭✭✭James Jones


    Lola92 wrote: »
    Marriage is a hell of a step to take just to get 'equal' guardianship of his own child and not necessary if the OP doesn't plan on getting married right now to go rushing into it just for this sake!
    The only thing permanent about marriage is Guardianship and I can see no better reason for getting married than to create a permanent legal relationship between father and child.
    Lola92 wrote: »
    The child is both of yours equally
    That is SO wrong. The mother has all of the rights and the father has none.
    Lola92 wrote: »
    I am not married to my partner and our daughter has my name and we are both very proud of that.
    Bet your bloke has no idea that his relationship with his child is based on his relationship with her mother.


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