SUPPORT for victims of sexual assault thread - mod warning post #1

Sonics2k

Yes, it absolutely does need to be reported more. I've said this on each and every post. I've also said that it needs to change when men are sexually assaulted.

I have never ever ever tried to take away from how important it is for people to report it.

LegacyUser

I'm going un-reg for this, I have experienced this before, as some people have said the shock was what stopped me doing anything. i wasn't raped, in the legal definition but there was definitely unwanted contact. A few years ago when I was 25 I was on on a night out (not drunk) with friends, I had been in a relationship with one of the guys a few years previously, when I was about 19. It was my first relationship, it was brief and he didn't treat me very well, although I didn't realise at the time, as I got older I seen how naive I had been.

At the end of the night out (when I was 25) this guy walked me home, we talked and the time we were together and I spoke at lenght about how it had he had not been very respectful of me and he apologiesed. Anyway he asked to stay as he didn't have the cash for a taxi. I said yes, sadly. I woke up in the middle of the night to him on top of me trying to have sex. I was so shocked, it took a few seconds for me to even figure out what was going on. I said no, he didn't believe me at first but then backed off. I just went back asleep, but it really was down to shock. After I thought about why I didnt just throw him out, or call the gardai but it was shock. He was someone who I called a friend for 10 years.

After the conversation that we had earlier in the night, and the fact that I was alseep when he started there is no way I was consenting. He was disgusting and chancing his arm. I stayed friends with him for a while after because I hadn't let myself accept how badly he betrayed my trust or how disgusting what happened really was Its been years since and only now can I really say that I was not in the wrong, it was understandable that I was so shocked I didn't kick him out.

Like the OP I have discussed this incident with friends who have similar stories. I think catholic Ireland has a lot to answer for. Women/girls of my age have such guilt associated with sex, and we are conditioned to think that we must please men, that sex is for men. Sure isn't it all they want (sarcasm)

We with-hold and men go to all lengths to get it, thats what I learned as a young woman.
(sorry about long post!!!)

Sul

In fairness all reports of rape should be taken seriously. If a garda decides not to take a report serious because the last accusation he/she worked on turned out to be false then he/she is not doing his/her job right...

Giselle

Like a lot of people on this thread, I've had two experiences that I've failed to process as assaults or sexually threatening incidents.

I include one rather serious one when I was about seven years old. I didn't tell anyone about it, because I thought I'd done something wrong for it to happen to me. I didn't know how it could be my fault. I just was afraid I'd be told it was. I didn't want to get into trouble.

I'm starting to think the real number of unreported assaults might be even higher than estimated. First of all, the victim has to realise it was an assault, and lots of stories here are of people framing it differently in order to cope or dismiss it.

I'm one of them.

Wompa1

Dudess wrote: »

It might not suit you, but it's valid - and the coterie of guys who make a point of posting here to blame women/feminism for sexism against men would do well to bear it in mind.

There's a lot of girls who say they'd love to hook up with an athlete. Does that mean an athlete can be assumed innocent of rape because a lot of women would have sex with a guy because of his status?

Whatever about feminism, that's just crazy logic that a lot men say they'd love to be sexually harassed so it's ok!

Wompa1

Wompa1 wrote: »

There's a lot of girls who say they'd love to hook up with an athlete. Does that mean an athlete can be assumed innocent of rape because a lot of women would have sex with a guy because of his status?

Whatever about feminism, that's just crazy logic that a lot men say they'd love to be sexually harassed so it's ok!

what on earth are you on about

Wompa1

bluewolf wrote: »

what on earth are you on about

Oops meant to multi-quote there was a response with a girl saying that guys who claims they would love to be sexually harassed in some way made it more acceptable when it happens to guys.

I was drawing a comparison. That a lot of girls would love to get the ride off a sports man. If a girl was sexually harassed by one or raped. Would the logic be that well most girls would love to be touched up by a famous sports man so it's not a big deal?

Ickle Magoo

Wompa1 wrote: »

Oops meant to multi-quote there was a response with a girl saying that guys who claims they would love to be sexually harassed in some way made it more acceptable when it happens to guys.

I was drawing a comparison. That a lot of girls would love to get the ride off a sports man. If a girl was sexually harassed by one or raped. Would the logic be that well most girls would love to be touched up by a famous sports man so it's not a big deal?

I think you are missing the point by a country mile...the point being made, I believe, was not that women think it's not a big deal that men get sexually assaulted - I think you'll find many women unfortunately have first hand experience of the fear and humiliation involved and thus have a lot of sympathy/empathy for anyone who suffers sexual assault - it's MEN making light of other men being sexually assaulted that perpetuates the attitude that it isn't or shouldn't be AS big a deal for men...not sure what any of that has to do with the subject of this thread tho...

LegacyUser

Yes, I have been.
When I was 15 I was in my aunts house with my mum around Christmas time. At one stage my mum and my aunt went out for an hour and I was left in the house with my aunts husband. I always got on well with him growing up and he had never acted inappropriately with me before so I thought I would be safe.
We had just finished decorating the Christmas tree when my uncle went to the kitchen and got a beer. I was sitting on the couch looking at the decorations and next thing I know he's on top of me with his hands on my breasts and ass. I pushed him away and ran upstairs to get my things (I know it sounds stupid but all I could think was "Grab your things and leave.")
I ran to where I knew my mum and aunt would be and I waited for them to come out. When my mum saw me she asked me was I ok and I just told her that I wasn't feeling well and that I needed to go home. So we left.

I totally blocked the incident from my mind. So much so, that the next time I was in the house, I had forgotten the incident completely. This time, I was staying over in the house with my mum. I felt an undercurrent of uneasiness but couldn't pinpoint exactly why. Looking back, I guess it was my way of coping with what had happened.
During the night I woke up to use the loo. I went downstairs to use the bathroom and when I came out, my aunts husband was standing in his underwear in the living room. In that instant, I remembered what had happened before and tried to leave but he was blocking the door. He grabbed me so hard I couldn't get away. He then whispered in my ear all the things he wanted to do to me and started to touch me. After a minute or two I managed to break free and I ran upstairs back to my mum. I didn't sleep a wink after that.
The next day I made sure we left early before anyone noticed something was up. I eventually told my parents a few days later after having an emotional breakdown in school. The guards were informed and I filed a report although I didn't bring the matter to court.
9 years later it's still something I find hard to think about or discuss in any detail. I can't be around people who make jokes referring to sexual assault or rape. It just upsets me too much.
My aunt knows about the incident but she's still with him (he's now a raging alcoholic) she claims she has nowhere to go. It's something I'll never understand or be able to forgive her for.

Dudess

Wompa1 wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

It might not suit you, but it's valid - and the coterie of guys who make a point of posting here to blame women/feminism for sexism against men would do well to bear it in mind.

There's a lot of girls who say they'd love to hook up with an athlete. Does that mean an athlete can be assumed innocent of rape because a lot of women would have sex with a guy because of his status?

Whatever about feminism, that's just crazy logic that a lot men say they'd love to be sexually harassed so it's ok!

Lol. Where the hell did I say it's ok?!

Wibbs

Kimia wrote: »

What's blowing my mind about this thread is that there are so many women who have been sexually assaulted and have NOT accused anyone. I think you place too much emphasis on the rare crazies tbh.

My personal experience though hardly statistically valid would bear this out. In my life I knew of one case where a woman pulled the accusation and yes she was eye swivelingly batpoop crazy. She got drunk, thought she was a sexual John Wayne and slipped and fell on a lads willy and thought better of it in the morning and tried to make his life hell. One case ranged against a disturbing amount of women mates, exes and acquaintances of mine that have had a wide spectrum of well dubious unwanted sexual attention up to and including "classic" rape by a stranger.

Now bear in mind I can be Mr Paranoid of No 1 Disbelief Road and don't led the mod of this forum title fool ye. EG I'm a bloke who is happy to admit that I'd trust a woman of 25 who said she was on the pill more than I would a woman of 35(I'd still wear a latex hat regardless). However when it comes to a background level of sexual threat I have no doubt women suffer that much more than many men would believe. Even the "right on" types. It's like background noise for them. A tinnitus of socio-sexual experience. Even the plainest woman has usually had more sexual advances and attention, both good and bad than most very handsome men.

Now let me be very clear as my opinion on this goes; it's actually a small minority of men. I have no truck with the vibe of "all men are potential rapists". A meme with some, but thankfully few and that few I have no issue with calling fcukwits. This small minority of men seem to be more proactive though. Plus it's a complex issue. There are scales of assault and scales of assaulters and you can have serious grey areas. Meeting someone on a one night stand doesn't have written contracts of procedure with a yay or nay. For either side. Thank god(s). So confusion can set it, especially with drink taken. And yes some of the ladies out there do like to play the game of "hard to get" and indeed can get irritated if you back off. You can see where confusion might arise. However one real simple confusion buster is this; if she says no, take it as read. If she's still playing games, do you really want to risk sleeping with someone like that? And if you think "no" is a turn on? Get help.

My 3 cents anyway

neuro-praxis

Wibbs wrote: »

In my life I knew of one case where a woman pulled the accusation and yes she was eye swivelingly batpoop crazy. She got drunk, thought she was a sexual John Wayne and slipped and fell on a lads willy and thought better of it in the morning and tried to make his life hell. One case ranged against a disturbing amount of women mates, exes and acquaintances of mine that have had a wide spectrum of well dubious unwanted sexual attention up to and including "classic" rape by a stranger.

I have no idea what you are saying here.

For one thing, crazy women get raped too, you know. Wtf is thinking you are a sexual John Wayne? Slipping and falling on a lads willy? Considering the sensitive nature of this topic you might be a little more clear and a little more kind.

Wibbs

neuro-praxis wrote: »

I have no idea what you are saying here.

I'm saying she was crazy, she went for this guy full on(and he took some convincing), then regretted this in the morning(for god knows what reason) and then decided she was raped and spread this around as much as she could. Fin.

PS maybe you should read posts more thoroughly cos where you got I was a sexual John Wayne is quite beyond me. EDIT, Apologies now I see what you're getting at. Translation? She was the one in the saddle/on top, not him.

Kimia

Wibbs wrote: »

I'm saying she was crazy, she went for this guy full on(and he took some convincing), then regretted this in the morning(for god knows what reason) and then decided she was raped and spread this around as much as she could. Fin.

PS maybe you should read posts more thoroughly cos where you got I was a sexual John Wayne is quite beyond me.

Genuinely curious here, but how did you know she wasn't raped? Did she come clean after?

Also what I think NP was saying was not that you are a sexual John Wayne, but how does one think they are a sexual John Wayne.. as in what does that even mean..

amacachi

Dudess wrote: »

It might not suit you, but it's valid - and the coterie of guys who make a point of posting here to blame women/feminism for sexism against men would do well to bear it in mind.

If I were to turn it around and try to say that since nearly half of women have rape fantasies they're not exactly helping things it would rightly be pointed out that it was a ridiculous argument.

Morag

The argument has been put forward that the term rape be dropped and that there would be just be differing degrees of sexual assault, l can understand the thinking behind it, rape is still such a taboo word and as posts here have show most people will find away to soften the word rather then just straight out use it.

The idea being more people may come forward and press charges if it was all classified as sexual assault.

The Black Oil

A year or so ago I was coming out of the gates of TCD and an elderly man made some sleazy comment at a young girl re her shoes/body. I felt pretty embarrassed by this sharing his gender and all. The girl was obviously somewhat more uncomfortable.

I remember in school our year head talking about sexual harassment...sounded difficult to deal with from a school/teacher perspective.

Dudess

amacachi wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

It might not suit you, but it's valid - and the coterie of guys who make a point of posting here to blame women/feminism for sexism against men would do well to bear it in mind.

If I were to turn it around and try to say that since nearly half of women have rape fantasies they're not exactly helping things it would rightly be pointed out that it was a ridiculous argument.

Except you're not going to hear/read women on a discussion about rape saying "Ah get over it, at least you got some; I'd love to be raped..."

amacachi

Dudess wrote: »

Except you're not going to hear/read women on a discussion about rape saying "Ah get over it, at least you got some; I'd love to be raped..."

Most posts be sarcastic or joking on those threads you mentioned. And even if people say that seriously it's still fantasy.

Wibbs

Kimia wrote: »

Genuinely curious here, but how did you know she wasn't raped? Did she come clean after?

Yes. After two months of accusations and numerous witnesses who had a completely different story. If anything she was the predator in this case. Like I say nutter. TBH I find it odd that some concentrate on the one off case I put forward where the woman was talking without recourse to her mouth yet ignore the rest where I pointed out the majority were not. And I called myself paranoid and disbelieving in the same post?

Wibbs

Sharrow wrote: »

The argument has been put forward that the term rape be dropped and that there would be just be differing degrees of sexual assault, l can understand the thinking behind it, rape is still such a taboo word and as posts here have show most people will find away to soften the word rather then just straight out use it.

and/or like murder and other crimes against the person there are degrees that should be taken into account?

The idea being more people may come forward and press charges if it was all classified as sexual assault.

If nothing else this would be a very good thing.

ladypip

Jesus.........I've been reading this thread from the start and even contributed a incident of my own, I really thought id be one of a handful of women that had experienced something and didn't report it. Its pretty shocking and scary to read all of these experiences. I really should have my fifteen year old neice read this thread as she heads off out into this kind of world. I feel sick.

Morag

Wibbs wrote: »

and/or like murder and other crimes against the person there are degrees that should be taken into account?

Pretty much, we all ready have sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault under irish law.

lazygal

I've just been reading all the replies and I wanted to add a few things.

I don't want to go into great detail about my 'incident' but there was no drink involved. Me and the man I was with were both sober and hadn't drunk any alcohol. It is an incident that I've had on my mind off and on since three years ago, when it happened, and I think in my deepest moments of reflection on it I do feel that he was in the wrong. As evidenced by others' experiences it was up to me to report the incident but only when this happened to me did I realise how complicated and difficult it is to report a crime of a sexual nature. There's a lot of emotions and other things that come into play, along with how the adversarial legal system deals with victims and the tight-knit nature of Irish social groups. I see my ex on a pretty regular basis because of the relationship we had and I veer between wanting to call him on what happened that night and just feeling that for me its better to chalk it up to 'one of those things.'

My friend used the phrase 'basically raped' so that's why I used it in my original post. Again, in her case there was no alcohol involved and it happened within a long term relationship. She also had the feelings about reporting it long after it happened, how she'd cope with having to make the accusation and deal with the aftermath of that and decided for her it was best to move on and just get on with life.


I really think there should be a move away from the 'stranger danger' nature of rape campaigns. I feel a campaign with the message 'You are more likely to be sexually assaulted by your dad, boyfriend, husband, brother, cousin, friend or colleague' would be closer to the stories me and my friends have. Not one of us was dragged down a dark alley, the incidents we shared all took place in our homes or those of our partners. I also think we need to educate people about sexual assault as a crime, its almost like some of us thought we were 'lucky' to have just been sexually assaulted (something we recognized after the fact as sexual assault that is) when we could have been raped.

Nah. Not that I can remember. Thankfully.

Well a creepy old guy attempted to put his hands in my knickers in a crowded nightclub in my town a few years ago. So I punched him in the face and got a bouncer to kick him out. I don't count that as anything though. Although if a fella (I don't know) so much as tries to feel me up in a bar/club I tend react violently because I just find it repulsive. I've always been like that. Can't deal with being touched by strangers.

Dudess

Even a blatant sexual assault can leave the assaulted party not entirely sure whether it was assault or not, due to factors such as: self blame, shame for not stopping it, denial, wondering whether there were aspects they enjoyed if they initially liked the person...

Kimia

Wibbs wrote: »

Yes. After two months of accusations and numerous witnesses who had a completely different story. If anything she was the predator in this case. Like I say nutter. TBH I find it odd that some concentrate on the one off case I put forward where the woman was talking without recourse to her mouth yet ignore the rest where I pointed out the majority were not. And I called myself paranoid and disbelieving in the same post?

Well yes, it's terrible actually and it highlights again that sexual assault is so common. Nearly everyone on this thread has already experienced it, and I believe that's why people concentrated on the one-off case you talked about because that's the part that is uncommon.

This thread made me sad at first, then surprised (at the amount of experiences) and now I just feel angry and outraged. WTF like. Why does this happen. It's just despicable and I am raging at the world in general at the moment thinking about how these situations happen and are swept under the rug because of a number of different reasons.

How do we change people's minds so that if someone is sexually assaulted, the first feelings they have about it is also anger and outrage, and not shame and guilt? :mad:

Lola18

I'm not going to go too into my incident but I think a lot of people keep quiet due to trying to hold onto some self respect, I tried talk about my experience with my mum but she didn't know how to react, she wouldn't believe me! It makes it so hard. I was threatened to have my house burnt down if I said a word to anyone. It was 5 years ago and still evrytime rihannaS song Umberella comes on it brings everything back

Novella

I have had an experience which at the time left me kind of thinking, "What just happened there?" but I guess I figured it was as much my fault as it was his so I didn't consider it an assault.

I went out one night and my friend picked up a guy and brought him home to the apartment we shared. I ended up with his friend. I was drunk and this probably sounds absolutely insane but it was easier for me to sleep with him than to say no. I was really in a place in my life where my self confidence was low and I guess I used men and their attention to make me feel better about myself. Whole different story.

So I did consent to sex. However, he started to hurt me but when I tried to get him off me, I couldn't. I struggled under him. I asked him to stop. I said no over and over, but he kept going.

When he finally did stop, I locked myself in the bathroom until he left. I was bleeding and even the fact that I was physically injured and locked up, hiding from a guy in my own home didn't make me think what had happened was wrong.

midlandsmissus

newmug wrote: »

This thing of "Oh I was drunk and he felt me up" or "I rode him without any protest whatsoever cos I didnt know the consequences if I didnt" is NOT sexual assault, and its pure bull to paint it as such. If you were drunk, chances are the man was too and yiz were both doing what people do when they're drunk, and if you dont tell someone you dont want something to happen, well they cant bloodywell read your mind!

To me, rape is being followed down an alley (or TRAPPED in some other way), being beaten up, and being FORCED to have sex with a gun or a knife.




Some aul fella having a **** on the bus behind you, while unpleasant, is far from rape. He is, quite literally, a wanker. Did you scream or make a fuss? Did you get up and move somewhere else?

This is a rape myth.
The absolute majority of rapes are carried out by boyfriends/acquaintances. You can be going out with some-one, then they want to have sex and you say no and they force you. This is rape.

the 'down an alleyway' stereotype makes girls afraid to report their rapes, as they think 'was it rape, I knew the guy, it wasn't a stranger in a dark alleyway'.

Educate yourself, and I mean that in a nice way. It's important that those myths are completely abolished.

I'd recommend watching this video, all survivors of rape, all by people they knew.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdlVSuMAnr0

midlandsmissus

I was also badly sexually assaulted, by a male acquaintance.

Everything you think about a rape victim before you have been raped is most likely WRONG. You've no idea what it's like until you go through it yourself. And it is important to get this information out there from all of us who have been through it to get rid of all these rape myths and stereotypes.

Mine was by an acquaintance.

Immediately after it happened I went into complete shock and functioned on autopilot, and was able to have a normal conversation with people. You're thinking at the time 'Something huge has happened, but it's too huge to comprehend, I'm going to go on as normal and not think about it'. It's a coping mechanism.

---Which is why when I read about the maid who accused that French president (can't think of his name) of sexual assault, and they were questioning how she could go and clean a room straight after, I thought 'that's exactly what you do, how little most people know, you go onto autopilot because you can't believe it yourself'

You spend ages coming to terms with the fact that you've been raped/sexually assaulted. You know once you've admitted it to yourself you'll have to actually face that you've actually been SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, and it's so serious, and it's so difficult to face.

People you tell will say 'report it, report it, why don't you/ didn't you report it'. And that is so unhelpful. They don't understand that you can barely face the horror of admitting it to yourself, and the attack literally leaves you feeling dirty, slutty, you want to hide away, you want it to all go away, let alone having everyone know, and having to go through the ordeal in court where you might not be believed.

Most people will not be supportive. They will either - distance themselves from you, as it's either too horrible for them to deal with or they don't know what to say, and ask you if it's your fault, 'did you stop him?'

You think about it every second of every day, you jump at, and are afraid of everything.

I didn't report it in common with most cases, I'm just not strong enough to bring him to court, and I am not ashamed about that.

You eventually are able to process it and start to be able to talk about it, and you do find kindness in other people. Hugs to all the other girls on here who went through something.

ash23

If I were asked had I been sexually assaulted I would have said no. But on reflection it's happened that I have had to "fight" a guy off.

For example I might be ok with kissing them but not with them forcing my hand down their pants. So they try it, I pull away, they try again, more forcefully and I pull away and say "no". They try again, more forcefully, and I say "f8ck off" and walk away.

Another time I was stuck for a lift and stayed at a house of a friend I worked with. Woke up and a guy was in the bed with me, hands down my pants. I ran out and walked home.

Those are a couple of examples but I have more. A few more

It's a bit strange that there was all the hype of "grabbing" surrounding that traveller programme but that stuff actually goes on a fair bit in settled communities. We just hide from what it really is because it's not quite so dramatic.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

It's a bit strange that there was all the hype of "grabbing" surrounding that traveller programme but that stuff actually goes on a fair bit in settled communities. We just hide from what it really is because it's not quite so dramatic.

I remember hearing about that but I missed the program, what was the grabbing about?

ash23

bluewolf wrote: »

I remember hearing about that but I missed the program, what was the grabbing about?

Basically the male "grabs" the female by dragging her to somewhere secluded and trying to kiss her while she protests loudly.

I watched it and thought it was disgraceful and akin to rape etc etc but this thread made me realise that it's not really much different to what's happening in pubs, clubs, alleys and houses all over the country every weekend.

LeeHoffmann

I was raped at age 6. Obviously I didn´t understand what had happened. I didn´t know what sex was. I thought nobody would believe me if I told what had happened. I didn´t really have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I thought it was partly my fault -because he told me it was. I grew up with this so my experience would be very different from other (older) women´s experiences I reckon - e.g. nobody will ever ask what I was wearing at the time.

I was 18 the first time I told anyone about what happened to me. I confronted the man when I was 19, told him what I thought of him etc. Before then, I always felt worthless, filthy and ashamed. Afterwards...I didn´t. The experience was empowering (not recommending it to anyone here btw!!), and I feel I´ve come to terms with what happened as much as anyone ever can. I still think about it every day (as I do with all of the big traumatic/tragic events in my life - e.g. like I think of the deaths of my parents at some point every day) but it doesn´t haunt me. There are no remaining sexual issues for me. My only real long-term consequences are that my danger radar is always and will always be on high alert, and it always bothers me how ignorant most people are on this matter - the ridiculous assumptions people make (from victim blaming to thinking you´re doomed to be ´´fu*ked up for life´´ - unfortunately an actual quote from someone I know :rolleyes:).

Other people´s reactions are the problem now. I´m telling this story for the people who are still going through dealing with what happened to them. I went through hell for years dealing with this on my own. I have a great life now - I love my job, I have a group of close friends, and I´m marrying the love of my life in 3 months. He knows all about what happened, and understands (no stupid assumptions) and he never treated me as an oddity because of what happened -we were only going out a month or so when I told him about it.

To anyone going through that pain, trust yourself. Life can be great again.

midlandsmissus

LeeHoffmann wrote: »

I was raped at age 6. Obviously I didn´t understand what had happened. I didn´t know what sex was. I thought nobody would believe me if I told what had happened. I didn´t really have the vocabulary to explain what had happened. I thought it was partly my fault -because he told me it was. I grew up with this so my experience would be very different from other (older) women´s experiences I reckon - e.g. nobody will ever ask what I was wearing at the time.

I was 18 the first time I told anyone about what happened to me. I confronted the man when I was 19, told him what I thought of him etc. Before then, I always felt worthless, filthy and ashamed. Afterwards...I didn´t. The experience was empowering (not recommending it to anyone here btw!!), and I feel I´ve come to terms with what happened as much as anyone ever can. I still think about it every day (as I do with all of the big traumatic/tragic events in my life - e.g. like I think of the deaths of my parents at some point every day) but it doesn´t haunt me. There are no remaining sexual issues for me. My only real long-term consequences are that my danger radar is always and will always be on high alert, and it always bothers me how ignorant most people are on this matter - the ridiculous assumptions people make (from victim blaming to thinking you´re doomed to be ´´fu*ked up for life´´ - unfortunately an actual quote from someone I know :rolleyes:).

Other people´s reactions are the problem now. I´m telling this story for the people who are still going through dealing with what happened to them. I went through hell for years dealing with this on my own. I have a great life now - I love my job, I have a group of close friends, and I´m marrying the love of my life in 3 months. He knows all about what happened, and understands (no stupid assumptions) and he never treated me as an oddity because of what happened -we were only going out a month or so when I told him about it.

To anyone going through that pain, trust yourself. Life can be great again.

Oh LeeHoffman I wish you'd talk to me if you would, because I'm still going through it, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over it. .

LeeHoffmann

Of course, midlandmissus. You´ve always struck me as a wise, friendly and sensible person (the impression I got from your posts). I´d be happy to chat. PM sent

Millicent

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Oh LeeHoffman I wish you'd talk to me if you would, because I'm still going through it, and sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over it. .

If you want, and the same goes to anyone else here, to chat about it via PM or email any time, let me know. I am totally good with myself after a lot of counselling and self help work to deal with my issues after far too many sexual assaults.

The only reason I bother with these threads any more is in the hopes that I can help someone the way I wished someone could have helped me. The blatant misogyny and victim blaming that crops up every time one of these threads pops up has very often nearly motivated me to stop posting on threads like these, it gets so depressing and infuriating. But then I think how horrible a thing it is to go through alone and I would hate for anyone to have to struggle in silence with such a big issue.

If anyone wants to vent or chat, let me know. That being said, talking to a professional can also help massively so I recommend speaking to the Rape Crisis Centre or a trained counsellor to get out from under the trauma. Because that is what it is--a trauma. If you took a massive trauma to your leg or head, you would seek medical treatment immediately. The same goes for a mental trauma--take care of yourself and your mental health because you deserve as good a life as you can make it.

lazygal

This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

midlandsmissus

lazygal wrote: »

This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

The culture we exist in needs to change, at the moment it seems like a nearly acceptable way to go about getting a woman, jumping on her and groping her, when it leaves the women feeling violated. It's not men's fault either, it's the society we live in, it needs to change, it needs to educate everyone that this is not acceptable and is damaging women.

KamiKazeKitten

lazygal wrote: »

This thread has depressed me but also made me so angry. Isn't it amazing how many posts started off with 'I've never been assaulted....' only to then describe an unwanted grope, touch or feel of a sexual nature. I also can't get over the number of people this happened to in relatively public places where I presume there were other people around (a party, a nightclub, a pub, for example).


I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

Sums up how I'd feel about it as well.

On nights out you get used to the unwanted randomers groping you but I'd always have shrugged it off and never actually thought of it as sexual assault, it's just an annoying part of a night out...

Nightclubs can really be a free for all sometimes (especially if I'm out with friends on student nights), almost like once you step in the door you're fair game.

Millicent

KamiKazeKitten wrote: »

Sums up how I'd feel about it as well.

On nights out you get used to the unwanted randomers groping you but I'd always have shrugged it off and never actually thought of it as sexual assault, it's just an annoying part of a night out...

Nightclubs can really be a free for all sometimes (especially if I'm out with friends on student nights), almost like once you step in the door you're fair game.

What's worse about it is, it almost becomes something which slides into the background. I am hypersensitive to unwanted touching because of abuse at a young age but it amazes me how women who have not been the subject of severe sexual assault (not trying to minimise groping as less than serious, so I hope people know what I mean) become numbed to it so that they don't even register it as frequent.

It just becomes a normal part of a night out and something to brush off rather than an affront to them personally. I think if more women acknowledged groping for what it is -- a sexual assault -- that the number of self-reported assaults would jump massively.

LegacyUser

I haven't read through the whole thread but I think I'm one of those women who was 'basically raped.' It happened when I was 20, it had been a Christmas night out with some people I worked with but by the end of the night it was just me and a close friend in a club. My story isn't drink fuelled, I'm teetotal and I certainly wasn't drinking this night. I met this guy who I was attracted to and we had kissed a few times during the night. Toward the time the bar closed up he asked if I wanted a drink and I asked for a glass of water. I was dancing with my friend while he went to the bar and when he came over to me I took a swig from the glass. It tasted weird, sort of like ashes as if a cigarette had fallen in it, so I put it down, he told me to drink up but I said I didn't want it and left it back down. My friend who was quite drunk picked it up and drank it back.

A few minutes later I left with the guy and my friend. I had decided to go home with him so we got a taxi together, detoured to my friend's house to drop her home and we went to his place. He was a foreign student and staying in a type of student accommodation where all the students had bedrooms with locks on the door. We went to his room, he locked the door behind him and we started kissing. I was feeling really quite odd and tired and after a few minutes realised I really wanted to just go home. I apologised to him, suggested meeting another time if he wanted but told him I wanted to leave. He tried to talk me out of it but I just kept saying no. He started being overly 'romantic' in the the way he was behaving, talking about how much he adored me and trying to kiss my hands and neck and talking about 'making love to me' I thought it was weird and creepy but he was French and put it down to a mixture of bad translation and him trying to play to stereotype. I told him no but he pushed me back on the bed and started pulling my clothes off.

I just lay there, I felt tired and my arms and legs were heavy. I told him at lest twice more that I didn't want to and to stop but he kept going. I'm not sure what happened, whether I mentally detached myself or whether he had put something in my drink but I didn't feel anything. I can remember it, he was thrusting into me so hard that I shuttled back across the bed and fell off it twice but he grabbed me back up and kept going. In the end he couldn't orgasm so he pulled out and masturbated over my breasts. When he finished I was just glad it was over so I could go home. He got up and went to roll a joint while I tried to get dressed. When he saw I was dressing he took my clothes and kept them from me. He tried to cajole me to stay as he wanted 'smoke a joint with me, go to sleep and make love again in the morning.' I started getting really upset and demanding my clothes back, telling him I had work in the morning and needed to get home and that I didn't drink so I certainly didn't take drugs and that we had not just made love and wouldn't be doing it again. He laughed and started shouting I'd said no just before but had still wanted it, so I obviously still wanted it again, so shut up and get in bed until he rolled his joint. He'd gone from faux-romantic to mean and nasty.

Eventually I got my clothes back but he wouldn't let me out of the room as the door was locked with a key. I threatened to start screaming and he opened the door and then shut it again as I went to go. He did that a couple of times and I got frustrated and tried to hit him as I went for the door to stop him closing it again. I failed badly at that attempt and he went insane. He grabbed me around the throat and we fell out the door. He dragged me down the hall and tried to throw me down the concrete stairs. I was terrified and threw myself back, he followed me and held me up against the wall strangling me, telling me I would regret trying to hit him. He tried pulling me back toward the stairs but let go of my throat enough so I was able to scream. A woman came out of another room and intervened and he stalked off back to his room. It's weird thing to remember but he was completely naked except for his socks. She asked if I was ok and seemed really concerned but I just said I was and ran off.

Instead of going home I went to my friends house to tell her. Her house mate let me in but I couldn't wake her. It was then that I started to wonder if there had been something in my drink. The other thing that makes me wonder that is that 3 nights later I started urinating clotty blood and when I went to the hospital about it I was continually asked what drugs I'd taken recently. Maybe that's just a standard question asked of young people in the A&E at night on the run up to Christmas but it reinforced my belief that something was in that drink he gave me. I used to think it was roofies but I've read their use is very rare, then I wondered if it was GHB, but now I suspect he burned some of his hash into my water as the way I felt seems to correspond with how people describe being really, really stoned. I feel so, so bloody stupid for taking a drink off him but as I'd already agreed to go home with him it never occurred to me that he'd have any reason to try anything untoward. It's also very odd because I feel like this guy raped me even though earlier in the night I wanted to have sex with him but by the time we were at his room I was too out of it to do anything. It makes me unsure of whether I was raped or not, I told him no, he later acknowledged that he knew that but I didn't fight him as I just didn't feel capable. Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.

Kimia

^^^

Sorry that happened to you.

Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.

This happens so much and it feeds into the guilt. It's a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean you wanted it to happen or that it's your fault. It's how you dealt with a horrific situation by doing what your body thinks is best - protecting yourself from possible violence.

Bastard. :mad:

dave3004

wasislos wrote: »

I had my ass grabbed a handful of times wen I was better lookin. Jus a bit of fun especially on a nite out. Some lads take it too far wat is this its about dominating the chick thats revolting id pit it down horny joe tbfair. It cud become domoneering cos the girls have all the power and consent the man is ego is that he is the main man the protwctor suppose it goes to their head sometimes proly why so many men in jail

This made me spit out my morning coffee !

Da Shins Kelly

basically wrote: »

I haven't read through the whole thread but I think I'm one of those women who was 'basically raped.' It happened when I was 20, it had been a Christmas night out with some people I worked with but by the end of the night it was just me and a close friend in a club. My story isn't drink fuelled, I'm teetotal and I certainly wasn't drinking this night. I met this guy who I was attracted to and we had kissed a few times during the night. Toward the time the bar closed up he asked if I wanted a drink and I asked for a glass of water. I was dancing with my friend while he went to the bar and when he came over to me I took a swig from the glass. It tasted weird, sort of like ashes as if a cigarette had fallen in it, so I put it down, he told me to drink up but I said I didn't want it and left it back down. My friend who was quite drunk picked it up and drank it back.

A few minutes later I left with the guy and my friend. I had decided to go home with him so we got a taxi together, detoured to my friend's house to drop her home and we went to his place. He was a foreign student and staying in a type of student accommodation where all the students had bedrooms with locks on the door. We went to his room, he locked the door behind him and we started kissing. I was feeling really quite odd and tired and after a few minutes realised I really wanted to just go home. I apologised to him, suggested meeting another time if he wanted but told him I wanted to leave. He tried to talk me out of it but I just kept saying no. He started being overly 'romantic' in the the way he was behaving, talking about how much he adored me and trying to kiss my hands and neck and talking about 'making love to me' I thought it was weird and creepy but he was French and put it down to a mixture of bad translation and him trying to play to stereotype. I told him no but he pushed me back on the bed and started pulling my clothes off.

I just lay there, I felt tired and my arms and legs were heavy. I told him at lest twice more that I didn't want to and to stop but he kept going. I'm not sure what happened, whether I mentally detached myself or whether he had put something in my drink but I didn't feel anything. I can remember it, he was thrusting into me so hard that I shuttled back across the bed and fell off it twice but he grabbed me back up and kept going. In the end he couldn't orgasm so he pulled out and masturbated over my breasts. When he finished I was just glad it was over so I could go home. He got up and went to roll a joint while I tried to get dressed. When he saw I was dressing he took my clothes and kept them from me. He tried to cajole me to stay as he wanted 'smoke a joint with me, go to sleep and make love again in the morning.' I started getting really upset and demanding my clothes back, telling him I had work in the morning and needed to get home and that I didn't drink so I certainly didn't take drugs and that we had not just made love and wouldn't be doing it again. He laughed and started shouting I'd said no just before but had still wanted it, so I obviously still wanted it again, so shut up and get in bed until he rolled his joint. He'd gone from faux-romantic to mean and nasty.

Eventually I got my clothes back but he wouldn't let me out of the room as the door was locked with a key. I threatened to start screaming and he opened the door and then shut it again as I went to go. He did that a couple of times and I got frustrated and tried to hit him as I went for the door to stop him closing it again. I failed badly at that attempt and he went insane. He grabbed me around the throat and we fell out the door. He dragged me down the hall and tried to throw me down the concrete stairs. I was terrified and threw myself back, he followed me and held me up against the wall strangling me, telling me I would regret trying to hit him. He tried pulling me back toward the stairs but let go of my throat enough so I was able to scream. A woman came out of another room and intervened and he stalked off back to his room. It's weird thing to remember but he was completely naked except for his socks. She asked if I was ok and seemed really concerned but I just said I was and ran off.

Instead of going home I went to my friends house to tell her. Her house mate let me in but I couldn't wake her. It was then that I started to wonder if there had been something in my drink. The other thing that makes me wonder that is that 3 nights later I started urinating clotty blood and when I went to the hospital about it I was continually asked what drugs I'd taken recently. Maybe that's just a standard question asked of young people in the A&E at night on the run up to Christmas but it reinforced my belief that something was in that drink he gave me. I used to think it was roofies but I've read their use is very rare, then I wondered if it was GHB, but now I suspect he burned some of his hash into my water as the way I felt seems to correspond with how people describe being really, really stoned. I feel so, so bloody stupid for taking a drink off him but as I'd already agreed to go home with him it never occurred to me that he'd have any reason to try anything untoward. It's also very odd because I feel like this guy raped me even though earlier in the night I wanted to have sex with him but by the time we were at his room I was too out of it to do anything. It makes me unsure of whether I was raped or not, I told him no, he later acknowledged that he knew that but I didn't fight him as I just didn't feel capable. Once I realised he wasn't going to stop I just wanted it to be over and done with.

That is just one of the scariest things I've ever read. I'm so sorry that happened to you. People like this are seriously terrifying individuals, I don't know how they live with themselves.

I'm sorry to hear all these stories and rather appalled at how common it is
It's just so totally unacceptable that people think it's fine to do these things

In each case I'd love to track down the assholes involved and -insert violent description here- :rolleyes::(

I've been lucky in that I've never been assaulted or groped or whatever

LittleBook

lazygal wrote: »

I wonder how many men think they have been sexually assaulted by a man or woman. And how many women have been sexually assaulted by women.

And reading this thread, I wonder how many men who've sexually assaulted a woman realise that is what they've done.

bluewolf wrote: »

I've been lucky in that I've never been assaulted or groped or whatever

I feel lucky that I've "only" been groped, flashed and had a narrow escape.

lazygal

LittleBook wrote: »

And reading this thread, I wonder how many men who've sexually assaulted a woman realise that is what they've done.



I feel lucky that I've "only" been groped, flashed and had a narrow escape.

That's exactly what some of my friends said after the 'basically raped' story, "Oh, thank God I was only flashed by a pervert or groped in a club, it could have been worse'. But I also know from my own experience that its just not a black and white thing where you can march down to the Garda station and report it. Like I said, I see my ex still and I wonder if he can even remember that night, even though we weren't drunk, and if he thinks he was in any way in the wrong. I'm still mind boggled at the number of stories coming out, I am genuinely so sad that so many women have been on the receiving end of what is, at the end of the day, criminal behaviour. And I also wonder how the men reading this thread feel. Do any of them think "Oh, I was way out of line when I felt her up/kissed her without even asking/kept thrusting even though she was trying to push me away"?

midlandsmissus

I'm also sorry that happened to you Basically. Much love and hugs.