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Dating...what the hell???

  • 06-04-2012 12:26pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 31


    So met a guy online, we went on a couple of dates, everything was going great actually. He would text or call everyday, sometimes both, he made out he was totally crazy about me saying things like "you're so beautiful", "I bet you're going to text and break it off", even a drunken call which consisted off "ya know I love ya" and of course when I said "What!!!":eek: he took it back and said "ya know I'm really really fond of you"...which is fine; drunken slurs occur.
    The last time we spoke on the phone he said he was going to take me on a "surprise" date which was a few days ago. Anyway the next day for the first time he didn't call or text, I figured maybe he wants me to put in an effort, cos he had been doing all the running, so I just sent a "hey how is your day going" text the following day...no reply.

    I checked the dating website and he's still very much active, which is fair enough, we were only meeting for a week, and being honest I was a bit freaked out by how much attention he was giving me...I prefer to take it slow when dating anyway. But seeing him online means he's obviously alive and able bodied and kinda puts my whole 'oh he must have fallen down a well and couldn't respond' theory out the window.

    We hadn't kissed yet, he said he wanted to but got too shy when the moment arose, he was even asking me "are you sure you want to kiss me?" So he certainly did not 'hit it and quit it'.

    Guys I'm just totally confused, I've gone over this in my mind, as to picking up any clues of this coming but nothing...one minute all over me like a rash, the next nothing. What the hell, can anyone really be that full of crap-ola...I feel like it went from brilliant to nothing in the flick of a switch. He could have just sent a text saying that he didn't want to meet up anymore...but I know you can't control anyone but yourself.
    I'm more peeved because he dangled that little bit of hope in front of me and then snapped it back. And something like this has never happened to me without me smelling it coming or reflecting and realising something was actually up. I am so confused, I mean absolutely and completely baffled:confused:. And when something like this does occurs it always knocks abit off you and faith in fellas.

    He had no ex issues, he pretty much told me everything, about everything, within the first few weeks of chatting online and dating.

    Can anybody give an explanation, cos I cannot figure this one out. And don't hold back I've no issue with hearing the truth.

    Thanks
    MG xx


«1

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    He's just not that into you. All that hype was on the surface.
    Forget about him and move on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    I really don't mind that he's not that into me, what I don't get is all the lies...like most people say "we'll see how it goes" that kinda thing...he just went crazy, that's what I really don't get.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    moongal wrote: »
    ... What the hell, can anyone really be that full of crap-ola...
    Yes.

    This sort of behaviour says a great deal about him and nothing about you. I could develop some theories about why he might act like that, but it's not worth doing. All you need to consider is that he acted like a prat.

    Now the good news: most men behave better than that. Don't give up on all men (but note that I am taken!).


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    moongal wrote: »
    I really don't mind that he's not that into me, what I don't get is all the lies...like most people say "we'll see how it goes" that kinda thing...he just went crazy, that's what I really don't get.

    He probably just really wants the aspect of dating/a relationship that is all, "You're so beautiful/amazing, I'm crazy about you" etc. I don't mean this in a harsh way but it sounds like he wasn't crazy about you, just crazy about being crazy about someone or anyone.

    If a person is truly into you, they're not just gonna disappear off the radar like that, ya know? If I were you, I'd leave it in the past and move on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Thanks Breathnach, I have over analyzed the whole situation to be honest, and the only explanation I can possibly come up with is that he's just a complete liar, for him it's like automatic sewage coming from him mouth, and us girls don't really need to hear that, we just want genuine words. I do feel like giving him a good slap for it. But I also hope not to run into him again so guess I won't get a chance.

    Thanks Novella, and hey I've been in that situation where I wanted to date but couldn't quite bring my heart into it, but at least I wouldn't lie so openly, pretend I was into it and then drop'em, I would tell them that I couldn't date...and nobel prize for bull goes to...


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    moongal wrote: »
    So met a guy online, we went on a couple of dates, everything was going great actually. He would text or call everyday, sometimes both, he made out he was totally crazy about me saying things like "you're so beautiful", "I bet you're going to text and break it off", even a drunken call which consisted off "ya know I love ya" and of course when I said "What!!!":eek: he took it back and said "ya know I'm really really fond of you"...which is fine; drunken slurs occur.
    The last time we spoke on the phone he said he was going to take me on a "surprise" date which was a few days ago. Anyway the next day for the first time he didn't call or text, I figured maybe he wants me to put in an effort, cos he had been doing all the running, so I just sent a "hey how is your day going" text the following day...no reply.

    I checked the dating website and he's still very much active, which is fair enough, we were only meeting for a week, and being honest I was a bit freaked out by how much attention he was giving me...I prefer to take it slow when dating anyway. But seeing him online means he's obviously alive and able bodied and kinda puts my whole 'oh he must have fallen down a well and couldn't respond' theory out the window.

    We hadn't kissed yet, he said he wanted to but got too shy when the moment arose, he was even asking me "are you sure you want to kiss me?" So he certainly did not 'hit it and quit it'.

    Guys I'm just totally confused, I've gone over this in my mind a thousand times, as to picking up any clues of this coming but nothing...one minute all over me like a rash, the next nothing. What the hell, can anyone really be that full of crap-ola...I feel like it went from brilliant to nothing in the flick of a switch. He could have just sent a text saying that he didn't want to meet up anymore...but I know you can't control anyone but yourself.
    I'm more peeved because he dangled that little bit of hope in front of me and then snapped it back. And something like this has never happened to me without me smelling it coming or reflecting and realising something was actually up. I am so confused, I mean absolutely and completely baffled:confused:. And when something like this does occurs it always knocks abit off you and faith in fellas.

    He had no ex issues, he pretty much told me everything, about everything, within the first few weeks of chatting online and dating.

    Can anybody give an explanation, cos I cannot figure this one out. And don't hold back I've no issue with hearing the truth.

    Thanks
    MG xx

    He sounds really odd. Forget about him and find someone else.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭MsHolloway


    He does sound really odd, and an absolute headwreck.

    One thing I've learned is always be wary of people who are too full on in the beginning. These are the same people that get over it very quickly.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Thanks guy, he didn't seem odd but he must be...I would post warning signs about him under the heading "what a douche" but I figure that would be highly illegal...pity :(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Yeah it's very common. Sadly most girls who get swept off their feet land on their bums :( Be careful of the fast movers - they generally move on to the next person quickly too...


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Thanks, that's the way it seems to be anyway...I'm not one to be carried away too easily and do like to take things slowly and I'll get over it in like a day but it is a crappy thing to do and even if you are a suddenly in and then out kinda person can't you just text the person and say "hey I would prefer not to see you anymore"...is that so so difficult. But hey I guess this is just a live and learn situation.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭newuser30


    Alot of men out there like that. He was just practising an act with you, to see if it works, if hes still got it, just an ego trip, hes obviously insecure. I dont know what it is about online dating, there's so much of this nonsense, I have never used online dating and dont think I ever would, I mean where do all these oddities come from??Im sure the majority are normal but so much weirdness too!
    This guy is obviously strange but Im sorry but do you really think a guy would ever text 'I dont want to see you anymore?' after a few dates. Its like texting 'sorry Im really not that into you'!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Yes I would absolutely would want to someone to text and say they would prefer to not to meet than suddenly drop me. It may not be the funnest thing to hear but it's the truth. Would you not want someone to let you know that they would prefer to leave things than just leave you hanging?
    I would for definite tell someone I'm not interested, it's not such a big deal, you may feel a little bad for saying it but why be worse and just stand them up.

    In this situation I have to ask what "it" is, we met on a dating website, it's not like he chatted me up and brought me home for a wild night. I do think absolutely male or female if you're not interested let the other person know and certainly don't overdo it with promises.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Some people can switch feelings or behaviour off at the flick of a switch leaving the other person wondering and bewildered, and it is not nice at all.

    Ill be honest with you - To him, you are probably just a stranger, or just another woman to play with, and not really on his radar. So he doesnt care. I guarantee he is off doing this to another lady now and she'll probably have the same complaint. And he will have no conscience as to all the hearts he affected/annoyed on the way.

    Ill throw this out there - its a bit OTT, but its what Ive observed. The scary thing is that dating or the way people behave like the above is slightly socially psychotic behaviour-would be interesting to see if there are any studies on this. Internet dating is certainly enabling this type of person-and there are are few of them out there (am only using "man" as an example. Of course it applies to women as well, but as men can be more predatory). Also when I use psychotic, I dont mean a knife wielding crazy person - just someone with some social disorders that they hide:

    YOU would have a developed conscience to not do what he did. But HE doesnt. He wants to almost prey on a woman (he just sees it as fun-no emotion attached, internet dating enables this to the highest degree), learn her ways, charm a woman, draw them in, endear to them, and as a woman you respond to this, and then he changes his behaviour to the polar opposite. He will know what he is doing, but he will not have a developed enough conscience or social awareness to kick in to make him care enough about another human being that he is affecting. You need to be totally aware of people like this, as they will suck you in and spit you out without you even knowing what is going on. You will not be able to spot these people, because (being socially psychotic), they will be very good at hiding this, until you are rightly sucked in (and probably in the process of being spat out).

    I know loads of people who have met some lovely people online, and there are loads of exceptions when 2 socially conscious people meet, but my point is is that internet dating is a perfect place for people like the above to hide. Giving your heart away is scary enough at the best of times, but if you are going to try and meet guys online, then you have to be prepared that as this is a very popular place for these types of people. It is a faceless, souless medium at the best of times, and thats why it suits them.

    The only thing you can do is maybe be a little more guarded until you know the person better.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Hey Dellas,
    Thanks for the reply. It was just the oddest experience of my life. I really hope not to run into that again. I've met a lot of a**holes in my dating history, and I kinda understand the mad for sex guy, way more than I understand this guy anyway. Oh don't worry I understand that he is off doing this again, and although I feel sorry for the girl I can't him but smile a little at how sad and lonely a life it must be for him.
    I really hope not to run into a guy like that again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Its feels odd because rational people will never understand irrational behaviour. Heck he doesnt even know himself what he is doing.

    The funny thing is (and this is another kettle of fish to my theory) is that if you go digging for an answer or explanation off him, its you who'll end up looking like or feeling like the nut job, when thats not the case at all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,619 ✭✭✭ilovesleep


    I was on the receiving end of similiar treatment not so long along. We had just met and he turned into a headwreck of lies. I didn't know at the time that I was fed lies but with time I realised that he was a pack of sh1te unable to put his money where his mouth was ie unable to follow through on his promises, promises that I now know were lies to keep me on a back burner simmering away waiting for him.

    When I pulled him on it more lies were issued to cover up his own ass but it left me with a dose of paranoia. As Dellas wrote I was left confused and bewildered. How do I know more lies were issued? His words were never followed up with action.

    Even though there was nothing there between us and I certainly didn't love him nor was I in love with him it took me ages to get over it. He played of my mind as I was a piece of sh1t to trample upon. A spineless coward viewing other people and their minds as something to play with for his own sick twisted gains. Eradicating your self esteem to add to his.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,570 ✭✭✭Elmidena


    Hmmm, a bit of a bad comparison but to me it sounds like he's acting like an excited puppy. He's all over you and feels great and feels deep emotions, but then he realised that he felt that with another woman, and perhaps another..... Doesn't sound great relationship material tbh, going from an intense involvement to silence at the drop of a hat. You wouldn't have any form of meaningful stability in the long run.

    He might have genuine esteem issues with the "are you sure" etc that he said, or he might have been terrified you'd change your mind and bailed ship before it could sink. It doesn't make sense, but sometimes people do the oddest things in a bid to protect themselves in some manner.

    Chalk it up to experience and don't let it colour your opinions of everyone on dating sites; these things happen and you'd be very unfortunate to get sucked into a similar situation again. Keep your wits about you and enjoy :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    There's loads of people like that I think. Best to be wary of people who get inflated ideas about you. They tend to switch from one extreme to another as it suits them. It can be a real blow depending on how far things go, or how much you buy into their hype.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Hey thanks guys,
    Ya it does seem a little full on and pull back kinda situation. I've felt like that aswell, terified to just let go cos of being screwed over before, but even with that it is only manners to just say hey ya know I don't feel things are going to work out...God manners just fly out the window with some people, it's so maddening. But ye are so right I've got to let this go but put it down to a bad mistake.

    And I love sleep, I am so sorry you were on the receiving end of this, it really does absolutely suck.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    moongal wrote: »
    it's so maddening


    it really does absolutely suck.

    I have to say you are really blowing this out of proportion... You werent engaged to the guy. I think the only way to date is to expect nothing and then everything else is a bonus but you seem unusually invested in this guy....


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,619 ✭✭✭ilovesleep


    I have to say you are really blowing this out of proportion... You werent engaged to the guy. I think the only way to date is to expect nothing and then everything else is a bonus but you seem unusually invested in this guy....

    I don't think she is blowing things out of proportion.

    Her situation seems to be very identicial to mine and coming from a similiar situation myself, her mind and emotions were trampled upon after his offerings to keep her simmering away on a back burner waiting for him. That feeling of giddiness when there's someone new - raised in anticipiation. Her hopes raised, to have them crushed. Just to have it all come to - nothing, leaving her hanging in confusion.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Thanks Ilovesleep, that is absolutely right, I don't think you should expect nothing from someone you are dating, that's not giving someone a real chance, I say take it slow but see how it goes. I'm not crying my heart out over this guy I just think it is a rotten think to do to someone...and was so confused as to why you would overly talk the talk but have not a notion of walking the walk.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 903 ✭✭✭Herrick


    I have to say you are really blowing this out of proportion... You werent engaged to the guy. I think the only way to date is to expect nothing and then everything else is a bonus but you seem unusually invested in this guy....

    Your right.

    But at the same time I fully understand where the OP is coming from. I think depending on your age and the amount of experience you have, the more different you act. I'm only 22, but lets say three or four years ago when I first started with the whole dating and relationships, I used to always get very excited when someone new was on the scene, only to get down in myself if nothing much came of it.

    Where as nowadays, after having a few false starts as well as successes under my belt, I try and take a relaxed approach to any girl I meet as my experiences tell me you can't invest too much too early in a person, otherwise you might only end up hurting yourself if it doesn't work out.

    I think the best approach is to have fun, have a little bit of excitement of course, but try not to get too invested until your sure its going somewhere :)

    To the OP, I think the way he treated you was horrible. I would never leave a person hanging if I wasn't in to them. It's only polite to let them know your not interested in seeing them again. It may hurt, but it sure as hell saves a lot of headwreck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭indough


    i believe the problem is that a lot of people on those sites dont actually know what they want, just like everywhere else really. but the impersonal nature of the internet does make it easier for people to be dickish if they are that way inclined whereas they might otherwise feel obliged to act nicely


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Hey guys, thanks hey I do not feel I've lost the love of my life here...it's just really irritating for someone to "act" all mad about the person he was the one coming out with really freaky comments about this big future...not me...and then suddenly nothing...at the end of the day the whole theme I want others to realise is just be decent tell that person "hey I don't want to meet again" and certainly do not stand them up.


  • Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭Katy89


    ilovesleep wrote: »
    I don't think she is blowing things out of proportion.

    Her situation seems to be very identicial to mine and coming from a similiar situation myself, her mind and emotions were trampled upon after his offerings to keep her simmering away on a back burner waiting for him. That feeling of giddiness when there's someone new - raised in anticipiation. Her hopes raised, to have them crushed. Just to have it all come to - nothing, leaving her hanging in confusion.

    absolutely right. I had a very identic experience as the op with a guy and it's this hopes and ecxitement which is there if really liking the guy. that was the case with me, I really, really liked him, he was charming, making all this promises, but there was nothing behind. maybe I was naive, but hey, we all get trapped sometimes.

    so saying she's blowing things out of proportion isn't a very fair comment.

    sure, it'll go away but at the moment it's very distressing, as it's not only hurtful, no, she didn't get an answer or excuse and that's direspectful and humiliating towards her and as the op said, it can leave a lack of trust.
    every person is different and reacts differently, she and myself might be sensitive and need to share thoughts and get it out.
    and that's one main part this forum is there for I think:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    It was two dates ...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,619 ✭✭✭ilovesleep


    It was two dates ...

    Followed by a pack of lies.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31 moongal


    Hey thanks guys, it's really nice to hear from people who have the same experience and I really empathise with your situations. I think the whole thing has taught me a new lessons about dating, basically hold back and don't get caught up in their words, listen to yourself first...and do all this while trying to give the guy a chance and not being overly negative.

    The dating world is actually pretty darn tough, but thank you so much for your understanding.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 83 ✭✭newuser30


    moongal wrote: »
    Yes I would absolutely would want to someone to text and say they would prefer to not to meet than suddenly drop me. It may not be the funnest thing to hear but it's the truth. Would you not want someone to let you know that they would prefer to leave things than just leave you hanging?
    I would for definite tell someone I'm not interested, it's not such a big deal, you may feel a little bad for saying it but why be worse and just stand them up.

    Obviously in a perfect world men would act mature and considerate to someone they didnt see any romantic future with (even after 2 dates), but when does this ever happen? Do you really expect a man to spell out to you 'Im not really into you, I lied', yes of course they should be honest but in reality most won't be. If they did, tons of books wouldn't of been written, and there wouldn't be (a lot of) the relationship issues here.
    If a man is really into you he will take it slow. Not spout a load of BS on the first date.


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