Dating...what the hell???

moongal

The thing is I didn't realise it was BS until I got stood up, dropped from a very surprising place. I've been out with fellas who didn't want to see me again and they just said look I don't think it's going to work out, and although it was a little disappointing to hear I was fine with it, as when I told others I didn't think it was going anywhere, I didn't like to say it but it's better to be honest. I hope that he was one in a million to be honest. But live and learn.

daisybelle2008

OP, you only had two, dates, he was behaving in a way that had you freaked out by your own admission. Declaring his love and displaying massive insecurity, afraid you were going to break 'it' off (your two date relationship?) and to insecure to kiss you! Seriously, you don't need to worry about meeting guys like this if you have the sense to run a mile in the opposite direction and trust your instinct instead of their ridiculous promises!

LegacyUser

moongal wrote: »

So met a guy online, we went on a couple of dates, everything was going great actually. He would text or call everyday, sometimes both,

This is where you should have drawn the line with him. There's something very unsettling about a person you hardly know ringing and texting every day. If a guy I'd only been on a few dates with was ringing and texting me every day, I'd tell him to back off.

Added to the constant texting and calling, he was calling you beautiful via text, saying he loved you etc. There should have been major alarm bells going off at this stage. There's nothing more unattractive than a person you barely know being overly complimentary. He/she just appears too needy ie 'I'm a lovely person because I'm paying you compliments whether they're warranted or not'.

you probably heard a small voice inside you saying 'I think it's too soon for all these texts/calls/all these compliments'. In future, listen to that voice and act on it!

Dolly Daydreams

dellas1979 wrote: »

Some people can switch feelings or behaviour off at the flick of a switch leaving the other person wondering and bewildered, and it is not nice at all.

Ill be honest with you - To him, you are probably just a stranger, or just another woman to play with, and not really on his radar. So he doesnt care. I guarantee he is off doing this to another lady now and she'll probably have the same complaint. And he will have no conscience as to all the hearts he affected/annoyed on the way.

Ill throw this out there - its a bit OTT, but its what Ive observed. The scary thing is that dating or the way people behave like the above is slightly socially psychotic behaviour-would be interesting to see if there are any studies on this. Internet dating is certainly enabling this type of person-and there are are few of them out there (am only using "man" as an example. Of course it applies to women as well, but as men can be more predatory). Also when I use psychotic, I dont mean a knife wielding crazy person - just someone with some social disorders that they hide:

YOU would have a developed conscience to not do what he did. But HE doesnt. He wants to almost prey on a woman (he just sees it as fun-no emotion attached, internet dating enables this to the highest degree), learn her ways, charm a woman, draw them in, endear to them, and as a woman you respond to this, and then he changes his behaviour to the polar opposite. He will know what he is doing, but he will not have a developed enough conscience or social awareness to kick in to make him care enough about another human being that he is affecting. You need to be totally aware of people like this, as they will suck you in and spit you out without you even knowing what is going on. You will not be able to spot these people, because (being socially psychotic), they will be very good at hiding this, until you are rightly sucked in (and probably in the process of being spat out).

I know loads of people who have met some lovely people online, and there are loads of exceptions when 2 socially conscious people meet, but my point is is that internet dating is a perfect place for people like the above to hide. Giving your heart away is scary enough at the best of times, but if you are going to try and meet guys online, then you have to be prepared that as this is a very popular place for these types of people. It is a faceless, souless medium at the best of times, and thats why it suits them.

The only thing you can do is maybe be a little more guarded until you know the person better.

I tried to put my finger on internet dating and some people on there.. You have hit the nail on the head spot on..

Dolly Daydreams

ilovesleep wrote: »

I don't think she is blowing things out of proportion.

Her situation seems to be very identicial to mine and coming from a similiar situation myself, her mind and emotions were trampled upon after his offerings to keep her simmering away on a back burner waiting for him. That feeling of giddiness when there's someone new - raised in anticipiation. Her hopes raised, to have them crushed. Just to have it all come to - nothing, leaving her hanging in confusion.

what happened in your situation?

ilovesleep

Dolly Daydreams wrote: »

what happened in your situation?

Dolly, I would run a mile and more from anyone that starts lovey dovey talk very early on. That kind of nonsense is just not right IMO. When it's done very early on it's like: you hardly know me a fortnight and you love me?? That carry on is a red flag.

My situation was a bit different. I admired the man and I liked him. He intitiated contact between us a few times to offers small little things and gestures. With this I began to develop a huge amount of respect for him. But it eventually turned out that he was unable to put his money where his mouth was and when questioned made excuses. What led me to believe he was lying was that no corrective action was taken. No reassurance. Legged it.

Sorry to highjack this thread but things are being a bit tough again in that he is being nice and respectful with morals to others while he treated me like a piece of sh1t from the bottom of his shoe and something to use and abuse and advantage of.
Slimeball

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

I totally feel your pain as I've been in your situation. The good news is that you had a lucky escape. Imagine the pain you'd be in if he had have allowed this to drag on over the course of several months? Your head would be melted and your self esteem in tatters.

My situation was drawn out and protracted, lasted several months. The first flushes were amazing and then it all ended without warning. I was left reeling and honestly it took so long to get over it. Far longer than the relationship itself. Just be thankful that you've had a lucky escape and that you now are a bit wiser from the whole thing.

Yes dating is tough, believe me I know. So every bit of knowledge you have does help. For instance, your ability to spot head wreckers should now have increased as a result of this guy. You'll know yourself to be wary of anyone who starts off way too intense too soon. In my case, the guy wooed me with a dizzying speed and I got swept along, enjoying the ride. He was talking about holidays for the summer one evening and within less than a week, we were over. Like yourself though, I too have emerged from the whole thing a bit wiser. I hope I have anyway

tbh

ok, I'm going to make some wild assumptions here, but I'm going to give you my reasons for making them.

don't worry, this isn't bad (for you!)

First off, he's on a dating site and he's too shy to kiss you.
What does that tell me?

it tells me that he's not exactly super-confident around women, but he is keen to be in a relationship.
The fact that ye met on a dating website is relevant here because it means that before ye met up in real life, ye probably would have exchanged messages and so on, which would have broken the ice, but to be honest it's not the same as chatting to someone face-to-face.

When you're messaging, you build up a picture of someone that might not necessarily be accurate. You fill in all the blanks about that person with the stuff you want in your ideal partner - if you're getting on great with someone over texts and emails, you're not going to assume you hate their politics for example. So while it's great to break the ice, it can leave you on a false footing, and it can lead you to act like you're in madly in love with someone when you don't even know if their parents are still alive.

secondly, the fact that he was calling and texting every day, and told you he loved you while he was drunk, sounds to me (no offense, I'd say you're lovely!) that his actions were more based on relief that he'd "found someone" rather than any connection to you personally. I'm assuming he doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships, and so it sounds like he was acting the way he assumed young couples in love have to act. I think when you're a little more confident, you're more relaxed about moving so quickly to seal the deal as it were - he thought that, in order to keep the relationship going, he had to act the way he acted.

Next, the lack of contact. I can't really help you there, I'm afraid. It could be something as stupid as he got scared that he was moving so fast, or something so crass as he found someone else he liked more.

He definitely should have contacted you to let you know, but it goes back to his general immaturity - he was afraid to tell you the reason, he figured he'd never have to see you again, so it's easier just to run away. It's what boys do, not men

Basically, you did nothing wrong, and you shouldn't berate yourself for not seeing it coming - all you did was take him at face value. You said yourself this has never happened before, so how were you supposed to know what was coming? It's the price we pay for experience, I'm afraid.

At the end of the day, you're never going to know what his problem - and it is HIS problem - is, and in six months you probably won't even remember his name, so I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about it.

tbh

dellas1979 wrote: »

Ill throw this out there - its a bit OTT, but its what Ive observed. The scary thing is that dating or the way people behave like the above is slightly socially psychotic behaviour-would be interesting to see if there are any studies on this. Internet dating is certainly enabling this type of person-and there are are few of them out there (am only using "man" as an example. Of course it applies to women as well, but as men can be more predatory). Also when I use psychotic, I dont mean a knife wielding crazy person - just someone with some social disorders that they hide:

Hi Dellas - you make some excellent points, but I would argue that the fact he hadn't even kissed her means he's immature, rather than a player.

daisybelle2008

tbh wrote: »

Hi Dellas - you make some excellent points, but I would argue that the fact he hadn't even kissed her means he's immature, rather than a player.

I really don't see the need for everyone to spend so much time pschoanalysing these guys and their behaviour and speculating why they did or didn't do what they did. The women on here with the issues tie themselves in knots speculating what the guys reasons are and usually come up with one that they can justify excusing at the time and a different one to get angry about later when it doesn't work out.

The easiest way to avoid these guys is to listen to your instinct that tells you simply this doesn't feel good to me. Let that be your standard. Once you are justifying & excusing why it doesn't feel good (i.e he is letting me down but it is ok because he is too busy, closed off emotionally, family/work issue, promises to make it up in the future etc. etc.). Then you are already willingly tying yourself up to be strung along. You have already compromised your requirements.

moongal

Hey guys,
Thank you so much for all your feedback. I'm kinda glad I met him in a weird way cos at least I can smell a rat a mile away now. I was just baffled by why someone would go to so much trouble I guess.
And to those who have experienced the same trouble and worse I am so sorry, they are really not worth the pain they have put you through and I hope one day you can look back and grin at them for being idiots for not even have the gaul to just send a simple text; believe me they did it because of their issues, and it in no way says anything about you. I'm not saying that as a cliche, I am saying it because it really is the truth!

xx

dellas1979

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I really don't see the need for everyone to spend so much time pschoanalysing these guys and their behaviour and speculating why they did or didn't do what they did.

I think the lady posting has a far superiour developed conscience and more rounded behaviour and attitude to the person she has met, and she is trying to understand this persons behaviour and attitude. There is nothing wrong with that, and to me, it shows she has compassion, and, well, in society, would be a rather nice individual.

As human beings, we try to understand someones behaviour or rationalise things. Because as humans, we unconditionally have the condition of asking "why?".

Whether you realise it or not, you posted here with an analysis too!! And while it is not indepth or "deeper", everyone on here is acually (psycho)analysing eveyone elses situations.