Controlling boyfriends/girlfriends

steddyeddy

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

your friend is an idiot and yes **** like that annoys me

steddyeddy

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar wrote: »

your friend is an idiot and yes **** like that annoys me

I agree she is an idiot but its still very very annoying. The girl has low self esteem and I think he preys on that. In 20 years she'll look back and regret her decision to leave college all because of his insecurities.

Local-womanizer

She shouldn't be allowed in college anyway if she thinks that what he demands of her is acceptable.

He is also probably cheating on her.

Wesc.

What a douche.

KamiKazeKitten

Yes, your friend is a muppet, and no, if my friends gfs/bfs tried that shít they'd be swiftly told where to go.

steddyeddy

Local-womanizer wrote: »

She shouldn't be allowed in college anyway if she thinks that what he demands of her is acceptable.

He is also probably cheating on her.

Thanks local womanizer I knew youd be in the know!

stupidusername

poor girl. you should tell her what you think.

but nope don't know anyone like that or in a relationship like that.

Local-womanizer

steddyeddy wrote: »

Thanks local womanizer I knew youd be in the know!

My bitches don't need telling :cool:


:pac:

eviltwin

steddyeddy wrote: »

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

Poor girl. By isolating her like this it just makes it easier to control her. I hope for her sake she has people around her who can help he see what this guy is doing. Sadly there are many women and men whose lives are ruined because they never see it for what it is.

Larianne

My friend had a very controlling boyfriend. Telling her to talk to his friends on a night out, while she was talking to me (Hadn't seen her in ages). Later on that night they had a flaming row outside the bar. I told her to that wasn't normal behaviour.

Texint her - "who are you with?!" "where are you going?!" ALL THE TIME.

She later told me he had once locked her in the apartment and pushed her into a corner and wouldn't let her leave.

She finally dumped him after they went to Italy and he beat her.

This was after myself, other friends and her sisters telling her he was controlling. Apparently he was 'so nice and thoughtful' most of the time. :rolleyes:

I guess insecurity plays a huge role in it.

Dudess

I know a few - male and female. It's easy to say they're idiots but you don't know 'til you're caught up in that situation. I love how the badmouthing here isn't directed at the controller but at their target.

Icepick

steddyeddy wrote: »

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

Either she isn't or the others are brain dead.

KeithM89_old

Dont know anyone but was in Subway one day and there was a couple in front of me, guy behind the the counter asks the girl what she wants, she says 'il have a footlong', bf butts in angrily 'no she'll only have a six inch' he whispers her something, gf apologises to him then continues on ordering.
She was the width of a king size bed but still...

Gummy Panda

steddyeddy wrote: »

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

Today he makes her drop out of college, tomorrow he'll have her selling her ass on a street corner.

Give her a slap and tell her to cope on

WoollyRedHat

Dudess wrote: »

I know a few - male and female. It's easy to say they're idiots but you don't know 'til you're caught up in that situation. I love how the badmouthing here isn't directed at the controller but at their target.

Maybe idiot is powerful, they are weak though... everyone knows what the controller is.

eviltwin

WoollyRedHat wrote: »

Maybe idiot is powerful, they are weak though... everyone knows what the controller is.

Vunerable moreso than weak. People like this guy are able to exploit insecure people like this girl. I doubt this is the first demand he has made of her, the fact that he was bold enough to demand she do something as big as leave college shows just how much power over her he has and he knows it. He has probably been micro managing her life for some time now.

44leto

This relationship is doomed, if someone is that controlling they are abusive, she wouldn't be the first to dragged down by some fool.

But is she telling the truth, is the OP sure of his sources.

WoollyRedHat

eviltwin wrote: »

Vunerable moreso than weak. People like this guy are able to exploit insecure people like this girl. I doubt this is the first demand he has made of her, the fact that he was bold enough to demand she do something as big as leave college shows just how much power over her he has and he knows it. He has probably been micro managing her life for some time now.

Well either way it's sad, and hopefully sooner rather than later she realizes what a douchebag he is, before its too late.

steddyeddy

44leto wrote: »

This relationship is doomed, if someone is that controlling they are abusive, she wouldn't be the first to dragged down by some fool.

But is she telling the truth, is the OP sure of his sources.

She told me 44leto she said he had constant arguements about her talking to men and going to college. To use her words he told her she was "getting to big for her boots".

Dudess

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

Dudess

KeithM89 wrote: »

Dont know anyone but was in Subway one day and there was a couple in front of me, guy behind the the counter asks the girl what she wants, she says 'il have a footlong', bf butts in angrily 'no she'll only have a six inch' he whispers her something, gf apologises to him then continues on ordering.
She was the width of a king size bed but still...

While there's nothing wrong with expressing concern to your partner if they're getting very overweight and to encourage them to live more healthily, that guy was just being a bullying, humiliating dick. If she was so huge, she was likely heavy when they met anyway, and hung up about it - jackpot to someone who likes to control and belittle.

Logical Fallacy

Dudess wrote: »

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

Exactly, stuff normally starts small. Control is exercised in a manner that doesn't even appear to be controlling. One person might want to go out on the town with friends, the partner claims to be ill and needs looking after. Rinse and repeat, the success allows them to become bolder in their control and they hide it less and less, as by then their needs have been coming first for a long time so it feels "normal" etc.

Then you remove them from their normal friends, limit contact with people they feel might be truthful etc etc.

Seen it happen plenty of times.

No real point in saying someone is weak, or an idiot for falling for it. The majority of people always have someone who is smart, stronger than them etc.

Old Tom

Dudess wrote: »

I love how the badmouthing here isn't directed at the controller but at their target.

... but if the target is an idiot...

mackmuffin

I was in a relationship like that once, he wasnt the nicest guy but still completely blind to it, but it was more money he controlled. I paid for EVERYTHING! The guilt trips id get if he was short on cash, my own fault really.

herisson

you're friend is a fcukin moron!
if that was me id tell him to either get over it or jog on!

its people like this that put me off having a relationship...i dont understand how people can be so controlling or needy in one!

the perfect relationship for me would probably be along the lines of having a fcuk buddy tbh! we dont control the other we can do separate things if we want and we wont be clingy at all! god i hate clingy controlling people!

Dudess

Old Tom wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

I love how the badmouthing here isn't directed at the controller but at their target.

... but if the target is an idiot...

Well maybe they are, but in fairness all we've got to go on here is her willingness to be abused like this. Not as straightforward as her being an idiot though - more like she's in too deep in a controlling relationship.

Snowie

Dudess wrote: »

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

and nagging gfs ....

Dudess

Snowie wrote: »

Dudess wrote: »

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

and nagging gfs ....

Included in my assessment.

Old Tom

Dudess wrote: »

her willingness to be abused

I call it "idiocy".

eviltwin

Old Tom wrote: »

I call it "idiocy".

Easy to say that on the outside looking in. This is not normal behaviour and any woman or man who allows themselves to be controlled like this has issues that need addressing not slagging off. She could come from a background where she was broken down by her parents emotionally to the extent that she was an easy target for this guy. We don't know. Either way she needs to get out before this guy gets violent or shuts her off from society completely.

Princess Peach

Friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 8/9 years. He spent most of the early years of the relationship hitting her. Often if we had nights out he would come early and take her away. She has broken up with him a thousand times but he just keeps calling her and going over to her house till she gets back with him.

She's a dope, and I gave up a while ago giving her advice cause she won't listen.

eviltwin

Princess Peach wrote: »

Friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for 8/9 years. He spent most of the early years of the relationship hitting her. Often if we had nights out he would come early and take her away. She has broken up with him a thousand times but he just keeps calling her and going over to her house till she gets back with him.

She's a dope, and I gave up a while ago giving her advice cause she won't listen.

Ask her to call Women's Aid.

harney

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Today he makes her drop out of college, tomorrow he'll have her selling her ass on a street corner.

Give her a slap and tell her to cope on

The op said she was smart, not hot.

Old Tom

eviltwin wrote: »

Easy to say that on the outside looking in. This is not normal behaviour and any woman or man who allows themselves to be controlled like this has issues that need addressing not slagging off. She could come from a background where she was broken down by her parents emotionally to the extent that she was an easy target for this guy. We don't know. Either way she needs to get out before this guy gets violent or shuts her off from society completely.

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

You, of course, can go ahead sir.

Gummy Panda

Dudess wrote: »

Confidence can be chipped away over time to the point that the abused party becomes dependent on their abuser for any crumbs they throw their way. Often they can't even see it - or refuse to.

True. Its basic Stockholm syndrome by the end.

Dudess

Old Tom wrote: »

eviltwin wrote: »

Easy to say that on the outside looking in. This is not normal behaviour and any woman or man who allows themselves to be controlled like this has issues that need addressing not slagging off. She could come from a background where she was broken down by her parents emotionally to the extent that she was an easy target for this guy. We don't know. Either way she needs to get out before this guy gets violent or shuts her off from society completely.

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

just throwing out any auld thing you feel like then? Isn't that kinda trolling?

eviltwin

Old Tom wrote: »

Easy to say, yeah maybe.
I wouldn't be making such statements in "Personal Issues", however this thread isn't there (yet?). In "After Hours" I'm relaxed and I won't be debating about psychology of difficult relationships.

You, of course, can go ahead sir.

Regardless of where its posted its an important issue and should be treated as such.

And its ma'am

BluesBerry

eviltwin wrote: »

Ask her to call Women's Aid.

Womens Aid is a fantastic service! this is good advice your friend needs support A member of my family has used this service and it really helped her
If your friend told you about the reason for leaving college maybe she said it for help abused women generally keep things to themselves

Old Tom

Dudess wrote: »

just throwing out any auld thing you feel like then? Isn't that kinda trolling?

Yes it is. Ban me for not being a good Samaritan.

I'm afraid it could have been true when someone said that AH's gone to ****.
It's either "Look I have eaten my aunt's chair" type of totally idiotic threads some find very funny or pure bull about toxic relationships, homeless guys seeking advice or other tragic events or circumstances - for good Samaritans only.

Whatever, seeya.

Dudess

I can't ban you.

Adhamh

I know this isn't quite the same thing, but I have a friend who is actually really submissive and unsure of himself and in any relationship he's been in, the girl walks all over him- not because they're controlling naturally, but rather his absence of any 'backbone' allows this behaviour to develop over the few years, and these girls wouldn't have ended up like this with someone else.

wasislos

Jaysis il hold me hands up and say in myfirst serious ship I was controllin and abusive cos she was jus so good at socialising with other guys . I got so jelly.ive learnt my lesson if u get with a super hot chick ul have to live with that stuff. This case disgusting tho

Local-womanizer

wasislos wrote: »

Jaysis il hold me hands up and say in myfirst serious ship I was controllin and abusive cos she was jus so good at socialising with other guys . I got so jelly.ive learnt my lesson if u get with a super hot chick ul have to live with that stuff. This case disgusting tho

Ah, your in the Navy I see!

saa

I had three very close friends and now one of them lives every second for her boyfriend and doesn't see anything beyond him, the other keeps splitting and getting back with an alcoholic/angry fool who is dragging her down she keeps trying to get on her feet, good intentions get fit, get a job, stop drinking so much but she is trapped in her situation and has to care for a few family members so when he is nice to her that is the only thing she looks forward to and over looks everything else. And the third just came out of a controlling relationship and was sectioned because she knew she needed to make the leap but to all you folk just telling people ah just get out its not always possible you have no idea how messed up mentally and financially these relationships leave people.

I feel like I've lost all my friends and I've tried for years to support and offer ways for them to help themselves its not always possible but when it is man it is a struggle.

LilyCricket

steddyeddy wrote: »

One of the smartest girls in my college has recently chucked in her degree course because her boyfriends jealous of a: her talking to other boys and b: her doing a course to further her career. Hes allowed to talk to other girls and do a course but sees no problem with the double standard there. I hadnt found out why she left college until today and having met the chap a few tiems it all makes sense. Do you have any friends who are controlled by their boyfriend/girlfriend and does it annoy you?

where are her parents in all this?

ff sakes

matrim

LilyCricket wrote: »

where are her parents in all this?

ff sakes

What can her parents do if she is over 18 and living away from home?

LilyCricket

matrim wrote: »

What can her parents do if she is over 18 and living away from home?

I know my parents would have kicked my stupid ass into touch pretty quick.

Snowie

Dudess wrote: »

Included in my assessment.

is it a thesis can i have read of it please and could you please note all references thank you

Gummy Panda

saa wrote: »

I feel like I've lost all my friends and I've tried for years to support and offer ways for them to help themselves its not always possible but when it is man it is a struggle.

Thats pretty sad

--LOS--

Yes I used to be with someone like that, they would just show up unannounced at college on lunch breaks etc dragging me away from the rest of my class, waiting around for me after exams etc, you can misinterpret these kinds of things as nice gestures but it's really super controlling. The jealousy thing ofc went hand in hand with that kind of behaviour too, obsessing about one guy in particular who was gay so any fears about my interaction with that person were totally unfounded. Turning up to collect me everywhere, when I look back the earliest signs I definitely misinterpreted as him being nice and caring, such as never letting me walk anywhere alone.