When is enough enough?

LilyCricket

A member of my extended family was let go there 2 and a half years ago. Since then we've looked after them. Take them out to lunch, dinners, theatre etc. bought them a new laptop, bike & generally giving them a dig out. They've not made one attempt to get a job since. We kind of gotten tired of this. We still make an effort, however, not as much recently.

They get by, have a partner, no mortgage etc. Would love to see them get back working and be able to afford nice things for themselves again, but they are making no effort. What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

What you think AH

Random

i think youve spent far too long buying them nice things
bring them into the real world - stop buying them stuff

hairyprincess

Did this person ask you to take them out to dinner, buy them a laptop etc?

senorwipesalot

Its Bertie isnt it.

Ellie2008

LilyCricket wrote: »

A member of my extended family was let go there 2 and a half years ago. Since then we've looked after them. Take them out to lunch, dinners, theatre etc. bought them a new laptop, bike & generally giving them a dig out. They've not made one attempt to get a job since. We kind of gotten tired of this. We still make an effort, however, not as much recently.

They get by, have a partner, no mortgage etc. Would love to see them get back working and be able to afford nice things for themselves again, but they are making no effort. What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

What you think AH

Well firstly you have been very generous. Are you sure they haven't been looking for work, I have a friend who only tells you about going for a job when she gets it i.e. I think it's important to her that other people see her as successful. Is he in a sector where he has a chance of getting a job? If you pay for the treats, who pays for the basics- rent, food etc?

Bambii_

You're not wrong in getting annoyed at all. They are their own responsibility, not yours. You were generous and kind for long enough, and it sounds like you've done a lot for your family member, but you can't keep spending you're hard earned cash on someone that isn't even trying to help out. I suggest that you talk to them about getting a job. Hint at it at first, asking subtle questions like "Do you not miss working and having your own money to spend as you please?". That might get them thinking and they might come to the decision of getting a job on their own, but if it doesn't work you should suggest it more abruptly.
You are defiantly in no way in the wrong. You helped out a family member and now want to see them back on their feet, you are showing nothing but care.

LilyCricket

LilyCricket wrote: »

What you think? Are we wrong in getting annoyed with said person now?

Unless you've left something out (like they asked you for a laptop and a bike and said they'd pay you back), yep, you're the one in the wrong. You've been interfering.

You said yourself they get by. So leave them to it.

stupidusername

throw them out!

razorblunt

The "I'm a Doormat" forum is that way

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saa

I am so confused here if they are getting by why would you buy them nice things. Are they getting by on JSA? then leave them be, let them find a small room to rent and hopefully they will make the effort to find something, I think you should not be angry with them as you facilitated this situation if you provide a cushy situation for someone they don't snap out of it, it actually makes it really difficult to start trying for yourself. This person is just lost and demotivated the only dig out they should get in that situation is help with moving abroad for work because tbh for some people no matter how hard you try its still not enough.

Anyway if this person isn't living with you (right?) what business is it of yours to provide for them, worry about them having nice things, be angry at them etc. you're only going to damage the relationship with this person by being angry and make it hard for them to try and provide for themselves if you do it for them, you can't make someone try, best give them space.

micropig

Heard a good one the other day

Guy 4 years on the dole was offered work for 6 months

His answer "Nah, that wouldn't suit me, I'd only want the one day":rolleyes:

My name is URL

What do you want people to tell you? Have you by any chance brought the issue up with the person involved?

Snowie

i think if i had ammeter of family be heave like that to me Id flip and throw all my toys at them in one go....

micropig

Snowie wrote: »

i think if i had ammeter of family be heave like that to me Id flip and throw all my toys at them in one go....

I'd do the same if the were trying to heave me anywhere:D:p


Are you related to ammeters? lol

Dyr

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?



ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

BBDBB

I reckon you already know the answer to your question OP, its probably time that they stood on their own feet, the question then remains as to how you do it to cause least resentment and fallout

LilyCricket

saa wrote: »

I am so confused here if they are getting by why would you buy them nice things. Are they getting by on JSA? then leave them be, let them find a small room to rent and hopefully they will make the effort to find something, I think you should not be angry with them as you facilitated this situation if you provide a cushy situation for someone they don't snap out of it, it actually makes it really difficult to start trying for yourself. This person is just lost and demotivated the only dig out they should get in that situation is help with moving abroad for work because tbh for some people no matter how hard you try its still not enough.

Anyway if this person isn't living with you (right?) what business is it of yours to provide for them, worry about them having nice things, be angry at them etc. you're only going to damage the relationship with this person by being angry and make it hard for them to try and provide for themselves if you do it for them, you can't make someone try, best give them space.

They are family.

hairyprincess

Bambi wrote: »

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?



ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

It has become very PC of late.

Blast your relative with piss op. Ah now I feel better

LilyCricket

Bambi wrote: »

I think your unemployed relative should burn your house down with you in it, hows that OP?



ffs when did after hours become ricki lake?

Blasts self with piss

hondasam

Bull**** imo.

LilyCricket

hondasam wrote: »

Bull**** imo.

?

micropig

LilyCricket wrote: »

Blasts self with piss

Hold your p1ss, It'd be needed to put out the fire:p

hondasam

LilyCricket wrote: »

?

You do all this for extended family, you take them to the Theatre, dinner and buy them a laptop and a bike. You are working to provide for an extended family member, what is the relation to you?

LilyCricket

hondasam wrote: »

You do all this for extended family, you take them to the Theatre, dinner and buy them a laptop and a bike. You are working to provide for an extended family member, what is the relation to you?

this is over the course of 2 and a half years - she's my aunt

hondasam

LilyCricket wrote: »

this is over the course of 2 and a half years - she's my aunt

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

LilyCricket

hondasam wrote: »

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

Wrong term used so?

And?

hondasam

LilyCricket wrote: »

Wrong term used so?

And?

Nothing you are obviously a very wealthy generous person,your aunt is a lucky lady. I hope she appreciates it.

Giselle

hondasam wrote: »

You aunt is not extended family, she is either your mother or fathers sister.

An aunt IS extended family, rather than immediate family.

LilyCricket

Giselle wrote: »

An aunt IS extended family, rather than immediate family.

I thought so? Hondasam is not to be contradicted though, I think it makes her angry

SunnyDub1

There's a thing called needs and wants
Needs are essential in life food, water , safe place to live etc
Wants are phones,big tvs, laptops etc

By all means make sure they are fed but really don't see the need in buying them laptops dinners out etc.

The are living the high life taking in all the wants at no cost - why would they bother trying to get work when you are giving them all that for nothing.

Yous have to stop and make them realise that they need to try get a job.

im invisible

why get angry? if you are/ were happy to treat them to dinner, do it. if you're not happy doing that any more, stop doing it

LilyCricket

im invisible wrote: »

why get angry? if you are/ were happy to treat them to dinner, do it. if you're not happy doing that any more, stop doing it

Not getting angry at all, frustrated if anything

Icepick

LilyCricket wrote: »

Not getting angry at all, frustrated if anything

then don't do it

micropig

LilyCricket wrote: »

Not getting angry at all, frustrated if anything

Just make up excuses like your low on money, saving etc, so not to offend her and gradually stop buying her things unless you really want to




Or just tell her to stop freeloading?

token101

Why would you be taking someone who is unemployed out to lunch more than once? Why did you keep offering? Why would you then go and buy them a laptop? And why the f*** would you ever buy your aunt a bike??? This is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard! :pac:

token101

micropig wrote: »

Or just tell her to stop freeloading and be on her f***ing bike that I bought you?

FYP there :pac:

LilyCricket

token101 wrote: »

Why would you be taking someone who is unemployed out to lunch more than once? Why did you keep offering? Why would you then go and buy them a laptop? And why the f*** would you ever buy your aunt a bike??? This is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard! :pac:

Sure this is it.

If I could get her deported I would

Snowie

micropig wrote: »

I'd do the same if the were trying to heave me anywhere:D:p


Are you related to ammeters? lol

wrote that half a sleep

what, I'm trying to say is, That if a member of my extended family say like a second cousin or something, they would be told in no uncertain terms to Fvck off, the only people I will look after would be my brother his family, My parents and if I had a gf her if she needed it, that it. I help my family out with money when they need it I don't mind.

I think its disgusting to frankly bum of extended family, No offense op but your just a bad it all comes to that one thing that irish people love to feel guilty. Its like this gift that the catholic church bread into a lot of ireland :mad:...

token101

LilyCricket wrote: »

Sure this is it.

If I could get her deported I would

Or you could just stop buying her stuff?

Mickey Dazzler

Put 50k contact on their head and have them shot in the face.

micropig

token101 wrote: »

And why the f*** would you ever buy your aunt a bike??? :pac:

She needed the bike to get to job interviews:p:D:D

Grayson

kick her out and make her move to personal issues.

some random drunk

Don't listen to me, listen to the good folks in Chumbawamba:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6oq6ZYvFJ4

mcmoustache

Next time she goes to the shop, get the locks changed.

When she returns and knocks on the door, act like you've never seen her before.

If she doesn't leave, call the gàrdaì.

saa

LilyCricket wrote: »

They are family.

But it was stated that theyre getting by so why is it the extended families responsibility to bu y them nice things, ridiculous.

grindle

Mickey Dazzler wrote: »

Put 50k contact on their head and have them shot in the face.

?

saa

I understand your frustration but being family goes out the window now you need to give her an ultimatum or stand back and let her sort things out without your financial interventions
I was in that situation before and the more people tried to tell me to get my act together or help me out the more it made me feel like i don't have to and don't want to try because of other peopl saying thumbs

saa

I understand your frustration but being family goes out the window now you need to give her an ultimatum or stand back and let her sort things out without your financial interventions
I was in that situation before and the more people tried to tell me to get my act together or help me out the more it made me feel like i don't have to and don't want to try because of other peopl saying thumbs

grindle

saa wrote: »

I understand your frustration but being family goes out the window now you need to give her an ultimatum or stand back and let her sort things out without your financial interventions
I was in that situation before and the more people tried to tell me to get my act together or help me out the more it made me feel like i don't have to and don't want to try because of other peopl saying thumbs

Twice, and not even a punctuational or spelling correction in sight.

Robdude

Most people are not fortunate to have a job they love. Most people would rather not go to work. They'd rather do something else.

Most people choose between...
A.) Go to work
B.) Be poor

And decide that A is better. You've changed it. You've given them a third option

A.) Go to work
B.) Be poor
C.) Mooch off you

They don't want to be poor, they don't want to go to work - so hey; why *not* mooch off you?

This is the same problem people see with the dole for unskilled labour. When it becomes...

A.) Go to work a crappy minimum wage job
B.) Earn a little less and live on the dole

B makes a lot of sense.

Cut them off.