Read my essay?

Bears and Vodka

That essay is really really nicely put together but the plot is somewhat of a cliché I'm afraid. Maybe that's where you lost a grade? I was really interested right up to the moment where she flipped out a bottle of vodka. At that moment I realised where the essay was going and what was going to happen. Vickys character lost its original mystique when she took the bottle out, for me anyway. As well as that it's a bit of a techicality but getting a stolen car to start nowadays is much more than picking a lock. But that's a minor detail.

Anyways, language and style is great but the storyline is disappointing, I think.

Manic2

Ok, thanks, I'll definitely take that on board.

FaoiSin

Hey I was wondering could anyone help me with my story? I don't have it typed up but I'll paraphrase.

Basically it's about my mother being killed by a guy who came into her house and confronted her in the living room. I was upstairs in my room and was coming down the stairs when he shot her (My mother and I live alone in the story). Anyway the guy leaves and I chase him eventually confronting and killing him. And in the end it turns out it was my dad who I thought was dead.

Anyway the problem I've had is coming up with a reason why I thought my Dad was dead and also how I get from chasing him to killing him. Any suggestions?

I used this for my JC and I can't remember exactly how I wrote it but I'm really bad at English ^^

Canard

Maybe you could mention something at the start implying disdain towards your dad for leaving your mother and mention drug problems, then say something like "I assume he's dead, but I don't care".

MauraTheThird

Manic2, slight thing that confused me- you've called the girl Vicky the whole way through bar one point where a Kelly is mentioned. I don't know whether that was a slipup on your part or a different character but it read a little bit off on my part.

Manic2

MauraTheThird wrote: »

Manic2, slight thing that confused me- you've called the girl Vicky the whole way through bar one point where a Kelly is mentioned. I don't know whether that was a slipup on your part or a different character but it read a little bit off on my part.

Hahaha yeah when I printed it out to show my teacher I changed it, but at the time of writing it I was talking to my friend Kelly so I just accidently put it in. :P

iliketwixbars

Hey...this is for junior cert...any constructive criticism greatly appreciated ...


Personal Writing – Paper One, Section 2

Something had woken me up. My right eye searches the room for an answer. I soon found it, the nurse had walked in and opened the frayed curtains. Unaware of the impending discomfort this would cause me, she continues her daily routine of walking around the room ensuring everything was in order. As per usual, she politely wishes me a “good morning” and then leaves, to continue her duties elsewhere. Soon after she departs, the intense morning sun enters my room through the now exposed window. It blinds me, as it does every morning. Unfortunately, I have no choice but to endure the following 13 minutes of harsh rays until the sun decides to move on, to a higher place in the sky, away from the window. I decide to continue with my “project” until the sun moves on and relieves me.

So, my name is John. I am a thirty three year old man who has “locked in syndrome”. My disease is very rare. It is small consolation, but the chances of being caught in this hellish trap are about as likely as those of winning the lottery, or in my case, being bitten by a deadly snake. Yup, that’s why I’m here, fully paralysed, only able to think, not move or talk. Because of a snake. One moment, my life was mundane, the next I was experiencing unbearably intense pain and mere hours later, the whole world seemed to change. I am fully aware of my surroundings; however I cannot interact with them. I lie in bed for 23 hours of the day, watching, waiting and thinking.

Some say that they would much prefer to be dead than to be in my position. I disagree. Maybe it would be good, to die that it is. How can anyone know? The fear of the unknown is what makes me want to live. Maybe there is a great place where everyone goes after they die or maybe there are two places, one for good people, one for bad. Or, perhaps, there’s nothing. Maybe the atoms in our cells simply decompose and get put to use elsewhere in the universe. This is incomprehensible for humans; humans don’t know what nothing is. We might think of it as blackness and silence, but I believe this still is something.

As you can see I tend to get a bit carried away with my thoughts. That is why I’m writing this, well not really writing (because I can’t), but in my head I am. This is my book you see, or my “pretend” book that only I can read. Its purpose is to structure my thoughts and to help pass the time.

Anyway, back to my so-called “disease”. Well, basically, I was on holidays in South Africa, got bitten by a “Common Krait” snake and now only have the physical use of my right eye. This is how I communicate, by blinking. I have been in hospital for the past 8 months. I have seen 29 neurosurgeons since the snake bite but every one of them say that no operation or medication would be able to cure me. Oh, and I only have under a year to live. I would like to make the most of this time by doing something exciting like skydiving, scuba diving or going to Hawaii but instead I’m locked up here, in the sad, depressing part of the hospital that seldom gets visitors.

Over the past 3 weeks, I have been getting regular, but random seizures. I abhor them. I think they are a sign, that my time in this world is limited. I constantly feel weak, restless and generally fed-up with life. I have no way to express my feelings or have a meaningful conversation with another person. I think I’m going to die soon. My body feels worse and worse as each day passes. That is why I’m “writing” this, it’s going to be my last “project” before I pass away. I must stop now for today, I can hear the nurses gentle footsteps approaching; it must be time for my daily exercise. This involves a physiotherapist putting me on a machine which moves my arms and legs for me. I don’t like it, it makes me feel defenceless and vulnerable, reminding me that I have absolutely no control over my body’s movements. I think I would prefer the harsh sun rays.

Anyway, bye for now. I hope that I will be able to add to this “project” soon, or, if that is too much to ask, that the place we go to when we die is nice. I would be happy with either.

(marked out of 70)

Medicine333

One of the most striking things I noticed from reading the short stories on this thread, is the sheer dramatic nature of them. From midnight robbers shooting family members dead, to flying monkeys opening fire on a group of shoppers in downtown New York!

I can understand some students wanting to make a story exciting, but some of these are moving beyond the point of credibility. To have so much happening within a few pages of writing is going to leave an examiner frustrated at the lack of realism.

Simplicity-simple, clear writing, with a lucid plot and believable actions is your best bet.

DepoProvera

Yeah, I think that the vodka story is grossly unsuitable for Leaving Cert English. Suppose you get a nun corrector? Besides that I don't think reading about how high someone was or doing lines all night is good writing.. Leave the 'edgy' stuff until you are more established and experienced I'd say. The whole thing came off at times in the style of erotic fiction mixed with a young adult novel.

If I were correcting some of these I'd think the student was attempting to mask their average writing abilities with exciting plots etc.

Have a simple, but somewhat unique plot. An interesting character. Don't overuse descriptors - You're actually going backwards writing "Her thin, pale hands grasped tightly onto his grey, slightly balding head" etc etc. Less is more- Show don't tell. Break up the narrative with short, punchy sentences. Vary paragraph length. Some of the best stories take place in a matter of minutes, not traversing continents shooting bad guys.

Izymunz

4. “…a thin girl…flips the key-guard of her phone and scrolls her texts.” (TEXT 3)
Write an article for a popular magazine in which you outline your views about the impact of technology on the lives of young people.
Hello dedicated readers, I am back again with a tantalising new topic. This topic affects everyone so without further ado I am proud to present to you ‘my views about the impact of technology on us, young people’.
Let’s face it technology has pretty much taken over our lives. Even now, as you read this you are thinking about your babies, your Sams and Mobys. I do not blame you. They do so much for us overburdened teens. They allow us to communicate with those with whom we must communicate. They allow us to permanently delete people from our lives. They allow us to escape reality. They have become an electronic opiate. I believe they operate with our energies rather than their batteries. Our phones and laptops are happy to function when we love them. When we constantly give them words of encouragement and when we snuggle close to them they do our bidding. They send mass condolences so that we can avoid an awkward meeting. They allow us to enjoy fast and delicious bites of information at record speeds. I love my blackberry and my blackberry knows it.
Anytime it makes a noise I rush to it as is my life was pinged on it. I yell and scream until I find it. I know that our technological devices have the same power over all of us. We all run like a mob of deer being chased by a pack of lions, darting through the intricate maze of our homes we run to a place where we can again, ‘be safe’.
The sheer power of our precious technology has not made us unemployable in my opinion. It has instead opened up new areas of employment. We can now work in “apple headquarters” or Samsungs, or blackberry’s- the list is endless. We have now new and interesting places where our knowledge is applicable. It is a place where we, the tech-savvy people will flourish, our ideas will generate millions.
In my opinion our electronic opiates also allow us to delve into a new form of expression. I see the mobile phone as a medium of expression, a way to show uniqueness in a bland world. Actually, yesterday on my way home on the luas I saw a thin girl take out her phone. She flipped the bedazzled key card of her phone and began scroll her text messages. Her phone was a shrine to herself; there were mini-photos, stickers and cool sayings plastered all over her device. She looked carefree, cool, and calm and collected with the cell phone. She was positively radiating due to that phone. I felt so jealous to see the impact her phone was having on the other young people on the luas. Everyone including myself hid our bare and useless phones; our phones simply did not stand a chance against hers. Her phone was a “Hyperion” our phones were, collectively, “satyrs”
The phone is even advantageous is Ireland’s unpredictable weather. It allows us to be stationary, because let’s face it we are hardly going to go to our neighbours house to deliver a message in the rain when our phones can do it straight away. So what if we do not get that face-to-face contact for a few minutes think of the annoyance that we can avoid! Our phones make our lives so much easier; actually if I was defining my mobile phone I would define it as “life saver, on several occasions.”
My laptop has eliminated guess-work, calculators have made simple arithmetic fun.As Sam Ewing put it” Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork”. They eliminate time consuming and boring tasks. They take away the boredom and leave us with fresh gossip. They unveil the enjoyable maths and take away equations such as the sine45*sin365. They allow us to excel in our education. Take a moment to imagine a world without calculators, imagine the leaving cert maths paper, now imagine ‘the educated’ workforce Ireland would have as a result. Each member of the labour force would be able to do mental calculations in no time but there would be no problem solving done as the maths paper would consist of tedious simple problems. That is the reality of the world without technology. Not the reality our teachers like to imagine with perfect spelling and beautiful syntax, which simply would not happen. But I have to admit that spelling would improve, spelling would most definitely improve. But relly does it relly matr tat much u can undrstnd wat i am saying rite?
O.k. so that is one negative impact. But I think the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. A recent study showed that there is no correlation between cancer and the usage of phones. The only thing the ‘irish times’ advocated was a break a small break from time to time that allows us to enjoy “slow-communication”. The letter writing and stamp licking is back in fashion but the mobile is here to stay. The colours and styles of the laptop have changed but they will remain forever fashionable. Other trends come and go but we will continually rely on technology due to the impact it has on us.

Cruel Sun

I always get tempted to finish my stories with an arrow in the knee joke.

ConorSTF

You should all become authors when you finish school...

Izymunz

Did anyone have a read of mine?