How to resolve this

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Apologies for the really long and disjointed thread. Hope you can bear with me.


I have a nearly 11 year old son. He's a good kid, fairly popular involved in lots of sports etc. He is very good friends with my child minders son who in turn is now a very good friend of mine. They would hang out a lot after school and weekends etc, I suppose their friendship has been encouraged because of the child minding set up. Just to add there, my son is no longer being looked after by my friend but younger siblings are.

Anyway for about the past year my son has been complaining about the other child on and off. He says they always have to play what the other boys suggests, go where he wants to go. The boy will come into our estate to play with my son and will then make him the butt off his jokes and tries to show him up in front of the other kids. If my son stands his ground and refuses to play the chosen game the other child will go home straight away.

This child is extremely competitive. He has to be the best at everything, school, sports, games to etc. They are in different classes at school but results of tests are always being compared. It has spilled over into their football training. If my son makes a mistake then the other fella jeers him and encourages the other kids to have a go at him too.

We come from a small village so its not as straight forward as telling my child to make new friends. They are involved in all the same extra curricular activities so cannot avoid each other. I don't want their friendship to finish but I do need to teach my son how to be more assertive and less dependent on this boy.

I really don't know how to handle this without damaging the friendships between us mums. I know my sons welfare has to come first and it has come to a stage now where I have to speak to my friend. How do I go about this? It is going to be incredibly awkward given she is my friend and childminder. Also she thinks her son is an anxious child and a worrier and I do see that side to him also.

I have been trying to build up my childs confidence but to no avail. I have told him not to be so reliant on his friendship with this boy in particular but he is just in awe of him and cannot understand why his friend is so mean to him at times. My son is definitely a people pleaser and is not open to any suggestions of playing tough with this other kid etc letting him get the hump and go home if he doesn't like what my son wants to play.


Any and all advise greatly appreciated.

Sam Mac

Anon Today wrote: »

Hi all,

Apologies for the really long and disjointed thread. Hope you can bear with me.


I have a nearly 11 year old son. He's a good kid, fairly popular involved in lots of sports etc. He is very good friends with my child minders son who in turn is now a very good friend of mine. They would hang out a lot after school and weekends etc, I suppose their friendship has been encouraged because of the child minding set up. Just to add there, my son is no longer being looked after by my friend but younger siblings are.

Anyway for about the past year my son has been complaining about the other child on and off. He says they always have to play what the other boys suggests, go where he wants to go. The boy will come into our estate to play with my son and will then make him the butt off his jokes and tries to show him up in front of the other kids. If my son stands his ground and refuses to play the chosen game the other child will go home straight away.

This child is extremely competitive. He has to be the best at everything, school, sports, games to etc. They are in different classes at school but results of tests are always being compared. It has spilled over into their football training. If my son makes a mistake then the other fella jeers him and encourages the other kids to have a go at him too.

We come from a small village so its not as straight forward as telling my child to make new friends. They are involved in all the same extra curricular activities so cannot avoid each other. I don't want their friendship to finish but I do need to teach my son how to be more assertive and less dependent on this boy.

I really don't know how to handle this without damaging the friendships between us mums. I know my sons welfare has to come first and it has come to a stage now where I have to speak to my friend. How do I go about this? It is going to be incredibly awkward given she is my friend and childminder. Also she thinks her son is an anxious child and a worrier and I do see that side to him also.

I have been trying to build up my childs confidence but to no avail. I have told him not to be so reliant on his friendship with this boy in particular but he is just in awe of him and cannot understand why his friend is so mean to him at times. My son is definitely a people pleaser and is not open to any suggestions of playing tough with this other kid etc letting him get the hump and go home if he doesn't like what my son wants to play.


Any and all advise greatly appreciated.

Well, I'd say say it to the mother.

She may get frustrated that you are "telling her how to control/raise her son", but at the end of the day, as you said, your son's happiness is of paramount importance

Daisy M

I had pretty much the same situation with my son and I know how upsetting it is for you. I dont have a lot of advice to give, I tried many things and nothing made a huge difference. However when they went off to secondary school we requested that our son and this other lad were not put in the same class. We gave a little background to explain why. This made a huge difference my lad went on to make new friends and is much happier, the other lad simply recruited a replacement in the class whom he now treats the same as he did my son, friends one minute the butt of jokes the next.

The one thing that did make a difference in primary school was when my son stopped letting it get to him, standing up for himself or getting hurt was only adding fuel to the fire. Your son might be better off when this boy tries to control him, by just walking away and saying something like " I'm going in home to watch tv or play xbox. Also I got my son to take heed that he wasnt the only one that this other boy picked on, when he finally took heed of this and saw he wasnt the only one who got this treatment he became less bothered. He became to see that this other lads adgenda was to be "top dog" and he would climb over anyone get there and if anyone surpassed him he would do his best to make sure that it wouldnt happen again. Like for example if there was a class test and my son did better than him he would call him "lick" and "teachers pet" so then in the next test my lad wouldnt putin the effort and he would come out better and try and rub my lads nose in it, no winning there!!!

By all means mention it to your friend, keep calm and just give her the facts and ask her to look into it, chances are her son will deny it or give a different version of events. Speak to the teachers and the football trainers who may be able to step in more. Good luck.