Best one liners that you have heard

Copper_pipe

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

The worst thing about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.





Do the people of after hours have any more?

Paddysboys

Veal is deer

General Relativity

'Here you, stop touching my tits'

IM0

"let off some steam.. bennet :mad:"

*throws broken pipe through bennets stomach*




what happened to ____ ?

"I let him go "

*remembers him hanging him over a cliff with a large drop by his ankle earlier on*

PogMoThoin

The more you know, the more you know you don't know

Morlar

There is a Nietzsche quote which has come to mean a lot to me :

Been around god's country, and there's one thing I know,
There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego!

ygolometsipe

ok, just dont touch me!

forfuxsake

Everybody's special and nobody's special mean exactly the same thing.

General Relativity

Paddysboys wrote: »

Veal is deer

Veal is calf. Venison is deer.

http://cdn.planetminecraft.com/files/resource_media/screenshot/1212/Megaman_Derp_1754708.jpg

Leopardi

Man being told in the presence of his girlfriend that his child is "the image" of him; response from man: "yeah, you'd swear he was mine."

Paddysboys

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

admiralofthefleet

coraguated roofs are groovy

Paddysboys

General Relativity wrote: »

Paddysboys wrote: »

Veal is deer

Veal is calf. Venison is deer.

http://cdn.planetminecraft.com/files/resource_media/screenshot/1212/Megaman_Derp_1754708.jpg

Ya but veal is dearer

AnonoBoy

Don't whizz on the electric fence.

Paddysboys

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

PK2008

He's more arm pit than Brad Pitt

He's got more points on his license than he got in his leaving cert.

Copper_pipe

its all sh1ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh1tss

paddy kerins

You win a years supply of condoms, which in your case is four

CageWager

Rented Limo, called Shotgun

red menace

They must have been fairly fond of kids in that house when they reared him

Smidge

If your nose runs and your feet smell
You're upside down

IM0

PogMoThoin wrote: »

The more you know, the more you know you don't know

that sounds like something donald rumsfeld would say

"there are known knows, and there are unknown knowns"

*head explodes*

bennyineire

"she has a tongue that would clip a hedge" from Darby O'Gill and the little people

mjp

One d lads talking about having a girlfriend

"If your not cheating,Your not competing "

Another classic."Out tonight eating Calypos and riding hippos"

Quality!!!!

Mr.Biscuits

"The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing".

kincsem

Silent screen film actress Jean Harlow (b 1911) was at a dinner party and continuously addressed Margot Asquith (wife of British prime minister Herbert Asquith) as "Margot", pronouncing the "T".

Margot finally had enough and said to her, "No, Jean, the 'T' is silent, like in 'Harlow'".

marty1985

Truth is not determined by a majority vote.

Wereghost

"Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny."

- Oz (Seth Green) from Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode Dead Man's Party.

The King of Moo

"Second hand baby's shoes for sale: never worn."

Have a great night everyone!

Yamanoto

The King of Moo wrote: »

"Baby's shoes for sale: never worn."

Have a great night everyone!

Zola Budd?

pebbles21

He who laughs last, didn't get the joke!

My name is URL

Some woman threw a pack of Omega 3 supplements at me earlier, thankfully I only received super fish oil injuries.

Zebra3

Waiting on the bus in Westmoreland St (in town) on Sunday night and this skanger staggered by with her mate roaring "Summerhill, never worked, never will".

Classy. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Adhamh

-And it goes all the way up my gowl!

DyldeBrill

"I got dosed with acid once, back in '68. I was with your dad and them at the Copa, f**kin' BOAC stewardess put it in my drink. Jerry Vale started singin' and I look over? Your Uncle Jun's got laser beams shootin out his eyes..."

dave3004

The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away !

It is better to live rich than to die rich

goodie2shoes

Recently perused a death cert of a (deceased) relative of mine from London.
On the back it reads,

"Not to be used as Identification"

dark crystal

Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:


I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

44leto

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.
The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.
We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)
A sheep in sheep’s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)
He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)
He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)
If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price

Churchill had some great one liners.

uberalles

Used this killer line on some street urchins once ....

Wah are you lookin aah?

I don't know I'm not good at puzzles !

thomur

Friend: Im going to a 40th
Me: Is it a surprise 40th.
Friend: No I think he knows hes 40

Zebra3

44leto wrote: »

Churchill had some great one liners.

Any relating to him wanting to gas Iraqi civilians?

44leto

Zebra3 wrote: »

Any relating to him wanting to gas Iraqi civilians?

To be fair that probably wasn't the worse out of him.

He got a lot wrong, but he got the one thing right which made him one of histories great men.

PK2008

Zebra3 wrote: »

Any relating to him wanting to gas Iraqi civilians?

Just one; "The Iraqi's are a gas bunch of lads altogether"

gyppo

paddy kerins wrote: »

You win a years supply of condoms, which in your case is four

Jeez, I'd be happy with that!

davet82

never ask a fat girl to mind a cake

44leto

Someone retort to complaint in a job I had year ago.

Why are we using so many refuse bags

"because they keep throwing them out"

Errr they actually were being stolen.

supernova84

I'm no weatherman but the forecast is calling for several inches tonight.

supernova84

It's so windy today, a Ryanair flight landed in the city it was supposed to.

supernova84

Those new Nicorette patches are great.Put one over each eye and you can't find your fags.

supernova84

I'm as confused as a cow on AstroTurf