help: what are he's rights

Orion

Keep it civil please folks. We're all on the same side here.

Orion

OP: Can you clarify one thing. You don't get 50/50 guardianship - you either have guardianship or you don't. You get 50/50 custody. They are completely separate things and mean different things too.

If he has guardianship he has to give permission for the child to leave the country even on a holiday.
If he has court appointed custody she cannot emigrate with the child without the court's permission.

Either way he should see a solicitor and get proper legal advice on this. Based on your descriptions he may be able to apply for full custody but this is a long process with no guarantees.

If you feel the child is being neglected or abused (fear of going to the toilet could be a symptom of psychological abuse - even unintentional) you can and should inform the HSE and let them investigate it.

nowayjosie

Orion wrote: »

OP: Can you clarify one thing. You don't get 50/50 guardianship - you either have guardianship or you don't. You get 50/50 custody. They are completely separate things and mean different things too.

If he has guardianship he has to give permission for the child to leave the country even on a holiday.
If he has court appointed custody she cannot emigrate with the child without the court's permission.

Either way he should see a solicitor and get proper legal advice on this. Based on your descriptions he may be able to apply for full custody but this is a long process with no guarantees.

If you feel the child is being neglected or abused (fear of going to the toilet could be a symptom of psychological abuse - even unintentional) you can and should inform the HSE and let them investigate it.

Thank You - and I hope she takes the sound advice you've given to her.

bluesky12

We haven't remanded silent.. We have done alot up to this point.. My boyfriend in now again in talks with this woman. My fear is that this plan to move away, the woman needs all the support with rearing their child Like anybody. And to take the child out of an evirnoment where there is support to zero will not be good. I have mention before in the post that these issues are being looked after and things have been put in place. we just need to know is she allow to just up and go. The world I would like to see is an amicable relationship between my partner and this woman. Its all about improvement on all parts trust me, This little girl deserve the best and only the best.

So thank you for all your comments.

rolly1

bluesky12 wrote: »

We haven't remanded silent.. We have done alot up to this point.. My boyfriend in now again in talks with this woman. My fear is that this plan to move away, the woman needs all the support with rearing their child Like anybody. And to take the child out of an evirnoment where there is support to zero will not be good. I have mention before in the post that these issues are being looked after and things have been put in place. we just need to know is she allow to just up and go. The world I would like to see is an amicable relationship between my partner and this woman. Its all about improvement on all parts trust me, This little girl deserve the best and only the best.

So thank you for all your comments.

I have answered your query re emigrating to another country. She can stilll apply to court to emigrate legally. If this happens a legal argument against this is here .

If you are talking about her taking the child to another part of the country then this change would also have to be applied for in a court by her, as the present access order will have location details and times that are particular to the current arrangements.
If your boyfriend does not agree with the change in the child's residence in Ireland then state this to her and inform her that any unagreed change would have to be put before the court for their arbitration, as it will obviously mean a change in the current court access order. If she doesn't apply to vary the present access order in court and just ups and moves then your boyfriend can apply to court to enforce the access order, which again forces the matter of the move before the court to decide.

I would tell the mother up front that this is what he will do if she attempts to up and go.

Tom Cruise

Why would she want to move away if she is getting so much support here?
I can only assume there is more to this than meets the eye.Maybe she is only pretending to be moving as a stick to hit your boyfriend with and keep some power over him.He has to be nice to her or she will whip out the old i am moving card.

nowayjosie

Tom Cruise wrote: »

Why would she want to move away if she is getting so much support here?
I can only assume there is more to this than meets the eye.Maybe she is only pretending to be moving as a stick to hit your boyfriend with and keep some power over him.He has to be nice to her or she will whip out the old i am moving card.

I'd say there's much more to it - - as I said earlier there are two sides to every story

ash23

The key point in your post is that your partner, the childs father, doesn't want to take the child away from her mother.
You are ignoring that. He must see some redeeming qualities in her as her mother to be of this point of view because nobody would want their child mistreated.

If he as the co-parent trusts her to be a mother to this child then you have to support him in this. If he has guardianship, his ex cannot leave the country with the child without his permission.

Personally I think that you taking a week off to toilet train the child is too much and I'd be really annoyed if that were my child. Those are not decisions for you to make.
Those decisions are for the parents to make.

You might not like her style of parenting but ultimately you are not the childs parent. You play a supporting role and to be honest, you need to support your partner in what he feels is best for the child. At the moment he feels it's best to leave her with her mother.

nowayjosie

ash23 wrote: »

The key point in your post is that your partner, the childs father, doesn't want to take the child away from her mother.
You are ignoring that. He must see some redeeming qualities in her as her mother to be of this point of view because nobody would want their child mistreated.

If he as the co-parent trusts her to be a mother to this child then you have to support him in this. If he has guardianship, his ex cannot leave the country with the child without his permission.

Personally I think that you taking a week off to toilet train the child is too much and I'd be really annoyed if that were my child. Those are not decisions for you to make.
Those decisions are for the parents to make.

You might not like her style of parenting but ultimately you are not the childs parent. You play a supporting role and to be honest, you need to support your partner in what he feels is best for the child. At the moment he feels it's best to leave her with her mother.

I think you are spot on the father's lack of making a move to have the child removed from her mothers care (or lack of it) says it all. He seems happy to leave her with her mother - the OP is about to become a mother herself - and I am sure if her relationship were to end - she would not tolerate any interference into her way of bringing up her child by a new partner of her ex

Sleepy

Maybe the father is just realistic. Without evidence of neglect or abuse, a father stands no next to no chance of becoming the primary custodial parent in this country regardless of whether he happens to be better able to provide for the child or not.

Stench Blossoms

nowayjosie wrote: »

I think you are spot on the father's lack of making a move to have the child removed from her mothers care (or lack of it) says it all. He seems happy to leave her with her mother - the OP is about to become a mother herself - and I am sure if her relationship were to end - she would not tolerate any interference into her way of bringing up her child by a new partner of her ex

I agree with the above. I find it baffling that the OP took a week off work to toilet train someone else's child. Surely the father should have done this

I reckon Sleepy might have hit the nail on the head here. If there is no physical evidence of abuse then it would be very hard to prove this in court. The OP's partner is probably trying to keep the peace as well.

Sleepy

There's a serious problem in that the gap between abuse/neglect and poor parenting is massive.

Joint custody is the ideal imo but when you're dealing with a case where one parent is dragging the child up (without actually neglecting them), I'd lean towards awarding sole custody to the parent best able to provide for and parent the child regardless of their sex.

Unfortunately the defacto result of any custody battle in this country is determined by the gender of the parent unless abuse/neglect can be proven and shared custody is even difficult for most fathers to obtain.

Tom Cruise

bluesky12 wrote: »

. we have her enrolled for school in our town.
Has my boyfriend got a say where shes lives and school???

Well this is interesting.You have enrolled her in a school near you and now you ask have you got a say to do it.Did you consult the mother 1st??

Big Bag of Chips

If he has guardianship then his permission has to be sought before she takes the child out of the country. If he thinks it's likely to happen without his permission he can go to court, put his case forward, with texts etc as evidence of her intent and ask that she not be allowed hold his daughter's passport.

OP, to be honest, your attitude to the child's mother is quite bad. She obviously can do no right in your eyes. You don't even refer to her as the child's mother, or even your partner's ex. You refer to her as "this woman".

Sometimes when we don't like someone, we can see no good in them.

YOU took a week off to toilet train the child. Were you asked to do this, or did you take it upon yourself to do it? The only time an 'outsider' should get involved in parenting issues is when requested by the mother (if she is the primary carer) or both her and your partner (if they share custody). If you did not discuss it with her you were WAY out of line.

Going back to soiling herself and having a fear of going to the toilet for a period isn't uncommon. My eldest was toilet trained over a year when he become afraid of doing poo in the toilet... and I'm an excellent mother;)

You give out about her doing things without discussion with your partner or without his consent, but yet you have enrolled her in a school near you, I'm guessing without discussing it with her.. why is it ok for you, but not her?

I don't know whether it not she is as bad as you say, but you are very cutting in your opinion of her.

I agree with others, you seem more bothered by this than your partner. Maybe it's time to step back and trust him to make the decisions that he feels are best for his daughter. I agree with ash.. you are not her parent. She has 2 of those and ultimately it's up to them to raise her. It's up to you to support your partner in his role as her father, and accept decisions he makes.

You may find he asks your opinion from time to time, and you can give it, but can't force it if he decides on a different course of action to what you have advised.

Concentrate on you and your baby for the moment. You can't fix everything, and you really can't influence the actions of someone totally outside your control ie the child's mother. And trying will only end up stressing YOU out. You can be sure she's not as bothered about you as you are about her!

Edit: Another thing to consider is you could actually be the reason for all these threats from her. If it was my child, and I found out my ex's new gf was butting into things that didn't really concern her, I can't honestly say that I wouldn't take it out on my ex and threaten all sorts for allowing it to go on!

bluesky12

I have stood back, I didnt enrol her into school thats none of my business, they both decided which school to begin with, but over the past few weeks she has been trying to persue to dublin. My boyfriend and herself agreed that we wud try and help with the issue of toilet training, she also felt it was nice to have a lil break. I only stated out the problems we are going thru and hoping for an answer about moving away. My partner and herself need to work together, my worry was about this woman leaving, when something clearly wasnt right. My gut feeling was right, she had broken up with her fella(not my partner) and just wanted a quick fix out of the town. O
Now since that has blown over, they can concentrate on this lil girl.. all I ever want this lil girl to have the best from both worlds, I do support my boyfriend and defo at times understand with his ex. But as people stated, stand back which I do. Yes I am carrying a lil sibling for this lil and we are going to be all apart of it. My boyfriend and his ex didnt stay together as they didnt get on. He has moved on and does want the best for his lil girl. I hope some of ye can understand the worry that was put on boyfriend with these irrational thoughts, as his support I didnt know dat else that cud be done.. So I seeked out for some info.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, its just in your first post you said "we" have enrolled her... I understood that to mean you and your partner.

You asked does he get a say in this... he already had a say. They both decided together to send her there.

The only other question you need to ask is does he have any rights to stop her moving away? The answer is yes. He can fight it in court.. but if she can prove that she is moving away to provide a better life for her and her daughter, and that she is prepared to make the effort to keep to the access order etc, then the judge may allow her to move to another county.

I doubt it will come to that though.

nowayjosie

bluesky12 wrote: »

I have stood back, I didnt enrol her into school thats none of my business, they both decided which school to begin with, but over the past few weeks she has been trying to persue to dublin. My boyfriend and herself agreed that we wud try and help with the issue of toilet training, she also felt it was nice to have a lil break. I only stated out the problems we are going thru and hoping for an answer about moving away. My partner and herself need to work together, my worry was about this woman leaving, when something clearly wasnt right. My gut feeling was right, she had broken up with her fella(not my partner) and just wanted a quick fix out of the town. O
Now since that has blown over, they can concentrate on this lil girl.. all I ever want this lil girl to have the best from both worlds, I do support my boyfriend and defo at times understand with his ex. But as people stated, stand back which I do. Yes I am carrying a lil sibling for this lil and we are going to be all apart of it. My boyfriend and his ex didnt stay together as they didnt get on. He has moved on and does want the best for his lil girl. I hope some of ye can understand the worry that was put on boyfriend with these irrational thoughts, as his support I didnt know dat else that cud be done.. So I seeked out for some info.

If you don’t mind me saying you seem no happier now than you did in your first post. Even though so many people have given you excellent advice. You seem to be defending the statements you made in your first post. I’m going to say something here and I’m taking a huge chance saying it but I have to ---- Some times new partners get totally pre-occupied with ex partners – I really think there’s a touch of that here. I think your obsessed with the mother of this child ---- you are 7 months pregnant – you should be preparing for this baby, getting a nursery ready at home buying a buggy etc…. thinking of names and all the normal things a 7 / 8 month pregnant woman does --- but instead of that you are ranting on about your partner’s ex and you’ve taken no-ones advice and and in my opinion you've been give great advice here. Your hormones are all over the place at the moment and if your not careful your going to miss out on the birth of your baby in a way because you seem totally immersed in your partners ex I really wonder have you reported her yet to the HSE??? I doubt it.

Stop – get a life – you are about to give birth – get your priorities in order – maybe your just hormonal – I don’t know but there’s one thing I do know – giving you advice is a total waste of time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have sought information - the information has been given to you - you seem to ignore the answers

If I am wrong I will stand corrected - please state what steps you have taken to resolve the issues that you mentioned -- several posters gave you advice on what you could do if the mother of the child moved away, but you've just let it drift over your head and your still saying in your last post " I only stated out the problems we are going thru and hoping for an answer about moving away. My partner and herself need to work together, my worry was about this woman leaving, when something clearly wasnt right."The answer to your concerns have been given over the last 4 pages - are you reading the replies at all? This is why I really think you are hormonal!!!!!!!!!!!

Orion

nowayjosie wrote: »

giving you advice is a total waste of time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If that's what you think then stop giving any. Calling the OP names and telling her to "get a life" is neither helpful nor desirable on this forum. Attack the post not the poster. If advice is given and not taken then there's no need to labour it.

You've been warned once about keeping it civil already. You won't be warned again.

bluesky12

I am not posting up the actions my partner is taken. I have taken advice, passed it on and we are dealing with the situation. I am grateful for the advice but from here on in we are on the right road and making things right. You dont have to get completely caught up in my life.

Orion

Thread closed at OP request.