Funerals

ardinn

Recently at a funeral I noticed something and somebody else mentioned it to me also.

Kids at Funerals.

First at the wake, the grandchildren who were living with the deceased at the time were in the home looking into the coffin, the kids are 5 and six, all was ok until the lid was put on the coffin and screwed shut. The children asked why granny was being locked in a box.

The response was the usual grannies in heaven now - this was met with - NO - SHE IS IN THAT BOX!

Anyway, at the graveyard later, the children were visibly upset at the sight of this box being lowered into the ground and eventually were taken away.

I was just wondering of peoples opinions on whether the kids should have been let view this. I believe they may have been to young to understand what was happening and in their eyes granny was asleep - and these men were burying her in a field.

On the other hand some people say it's good to let them see what happens when people pass on.

what ye think?

brummytom

At five and six, they don't need to know what happens.


Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with them being at the service, but being at the burial could be very upsetting for them.

El Weirdo

I think we should let the parents decide what's best for their kids in most situations. This probably being one of them.

admiralofthefleet

funerals are great for a piss up and a fight

mackg

Even if they are too young to understand at the time they will be glad to have been there for it when they get older.

WoollyRedHat

Reality is bleak, and when a relative dies, and a child lives to see it, it is inevitable that they will be upset and confused, but also inevitable that they experience it.

Funerals and going to the graveyard is hard whether you're 10 or 90... but obviously if a child is acting restless/ distressed, then it is perhaps better off that a relative take them away for a while and distract them, it can be a hugely draining experience all round.

TerrorFirmer

I think at that age, regardless of your beliefs, telling kids 'Grannys moved on to a better place' is pretty faultless. I know I sure took solace in that when I was younger, and it's really nothing to do with beliefs, more about reassurance.

Mickey Lover

I think children if they were close to the person that died should be fully included in the wake and funeral etc.

When my Mam died my sisters were 4 and 7 and were there while we had her reposing in the house and then at the church and graveyard.
Death is part of life and for them they needed to be part of this rather than waking up one day and Mammy is gone or worse has left them.

I do however agree that watching a coffin lid being put on is very upsetting for an adult never mind a child and I think that children should not be around for this part. I know my Dad let us all say our goodbyes and even at 26 I was told to leave the room while this was being done, having seen it at another wake since I'm glad I wasn't there when it was happening - very final and harsh

WoollyRedHat

Mickey Lover wrote: »

I think children if they were close to the person that died should be fully included in the wake and funeral etc.

When my Mam died my sisters were 4 and 7 and were there while we had her reposing in the house and then at the church and graveyard.
Death is part of life and for them they needed to be part of this rather than waking up one day and Mammy is gone or worse has left them.

I do however agree that watching a coffin lid being put on is very upsetting for an adult never mind a child and I think that children should not be around for this part. I know my Dad let us all say our goodbyes and even at 26 I was told to leave the room while this was being done, having seen it at another wake since I'm glad I wasn't there when it was happening - very final and harsh

Experiencing a wake was something mysterious and empty for me, I'm not sure I needed, or maybe wanted, to be there for that, with the open coffin.

Mickey Lover

I suppose it depends on the kids - remember this was their Mammy and still was their Mammy only we had explained that she was so sick that the angels took her to heaven so she would not be sore or sick. It did help that one of my pet dogs had died a few weeks before so this concept of death had already been explained to them.

It would also depend on the atmosphere in the house too, we loved her and cherished having her there for the last time and felt that the kids would question why they were 'left out' when they were older.

We had friends and relations there most of the time and it was a comforting atmosphere as it was a release for her as heartbreaking as it was for us, so they were able to see that being upset and crying was normal if you felt sad because you missed her.

7 years on and they are both well adjusted kids and teachers and club managers etc have been shocked to hear our circumstances as they said they would not be able to pick these kids out as having gone through such a tough thing so early in life

I think it's a decision that is different for everyone and you just have to do what you think is best at the time for the kids

Old Perry

Death is something you learn to live with, i experienced something similar at that age with my uncle and although im sure most will agree it doesn get easier, the motions become more manageable with experience.

SafeSurfer

Na feck the funeral, the whole family should just go and have a Happy Meal and keep consuming.

saa

It's important to involve a child if it someone who they were close to. Personally for me I was over the age of 6 and someone close to me like a family member I knew well not a granny I saw once a year or a friend I would still need closure even though I wouldn't understand if I feel loss or will notice them not around anymore I think its important to have that memory of the funeral but I don't think I would of been ready to see a body but a talk on what has happened is vital either way.

I lost my mother well who she was at a young age so from 3-5 I have really precious memories of her and then she stopped being able to spend time with me and no one ever explained what had happened and it would of really helped at the age of 7-9 after that it was a bit late.

Snowie

i walked in and found my granny dead. I was only 6 or so.. Shuck her she didn't move she was cold I called her gran she did respond, she always responded....

tho being honest that was good i knew and understood front hat moment we all must die... and well i don't nescerlly see it as a bad thing but a fond farewell..

TerrorFirmer

Snowie wrote: »

i walked in and found my granny dead. I was only 6 or so..

Sorry to hear that. That's really awful.

stoneill

Kids are naturally curious about everything bit don't really understand the nuances of the euphemisms used.
My personal feeling is that they should be involved if there is a death in the family, it should be explained that granny is dead, it should be explained that the coffin will be placed in the ground.
Young kids don't understand this "gone to a better place, passed on, in heaven" stuff - simple, straight forward explanations is all they want and need.
Death is a natural part of life - kids should be shown this, not hidden from it.
Also - kids know somethings up, they are very astute to changes in moods.

ziggy23

I remember going to relatives's wakes when I was a kid and although I said nothing at the time it really freaked me out. I remember having nightmares about my granny for weeks after because she really looked strange in her coffin:(
I think it's fine for kids to go to the service but I wouldnt be in a hurry to let my son look at a dead person, relative or not.

corktina

where I come from almost noone goes to a funeral, they might send flowers instead. The Irish way of doing it is much much better and most children would not suffer any harm from going along.

Well done for all the sensative and intelligent replies , not comon on AH, and which show up the few would-be comedians answering as the complete assholes they really are.

Run_to_da_hills

When my Grandmother was buried all the relatives went back too my aunts house to have a lunch. The grandchildren who were also at the funeral were seen playing graves in the sand pit in the back garden. We all had to laugh at it.

When my first cousin died in the late 60's his sister asked could he have his bicycle during the funeral service.

Sea Filly

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

funerals are great for a piss up and a fight

Russell Crowe must attend many, so. :pac:

KDII

It really depends on the child and their relationship to the person who has died.

When my grandmother died and was reposing in the house my brother and myself (4 and 7) were there for the entire thing. She minded us everyday so we had seen her as a second mum and she was a big part in our life. If this had been a distant relative or neighbour I would have been terrified as I wouldn't have felt the familiarity with the environment or even the sight of her laid out.

I was a pretty shy kid at the best of times and can remember spending the entire day watching everyone going in and out of the room with the coffin from a spot of the stairs. I plucked up the courage all day and eventually went in when I was ready, and am glad I did. Aunts and uncles tried to make me go in and get it over with all day but my parents just let me take my time and figure it out.

My brother however, set up camp beside the coffin for the day with a load of toy cars. She used to love buying him little cars and playing with him when she minded us. He spent the day running cars around the room and around the edges of the coffin. Kind of broke the tension and made it more relaxed which I know she would have wanted. At 4 I think he just took it that she was asleep and her soul had moved on etc, whereas I needed to see for myself.