The C&H relationshippy lovey dovey thread of love

Lara_15

Jhcx wrote: »

Is kissing on the first date still a thing? it's just come so common now that if you don't nearly means they are not into you.

Really depends on the person, I have a friend that was shocked when I told her there was no shifting just a kiss in a recent first date and others that were surprised there was anything at all considering it was just a short coffee date between lectures

Slow Show

Jhcx wrote: »

Is kissing on the first date still a thing? it's just come so common now that if you don't nearly means they are not into you.

It depends like. My last first date (well there was one in the meantime but that was loltastic and we won't go there) was just going for coffee during the day and while it was really nice and we got on really well it would've just been weird to kiss. I think it's different if your first date is going for drinks at night or whatever though, it'd feel much more natural to go for it then.

I think dates are becoming more common here actually, it used to be very American but I've been hearing of more and more of it happening now. I think it's a good thing really, it's a nice concept, probably nicer than chancing it with some beour in the smoking area. I guess it depends what you call it, some people wouldn't view a guy they'd shifted on a night out asking if they wanted to meet up during the day a date, some would. One of my friends met some guy in college in a queue and he started talking to her, they got on really well and he asked her to meet him for coffee again. Is that a date? It's all very blurry.

I would break into a monologue on dating culture during exam season...

LoonyLovegood

Yeah. Although, tbf, my last first date it was at least three hours in.

Professey Chin

All depends. Sometimes there is, sometimes isnt.
Never expect anything from a date. Good, bad or indifferent.
Treat date like water in stream. Follow flow to deep pool or sewage pit. Live or dead fish await

Jhcx

iamanengine wrote: »

As a college student...what is this 'date' you speak of? :P

cinema date. old fashioned basic stuff that works. Going out for drinks is really a relationship thing imo.

Macavity.

Ice Skating at Christmas. You fall, she laughs. Everyone is having fun. As your ability to ice skate increases. So too does your bond. The sun is setting as you skate side by side, she falls, but you grab her just in time. You have stopped her from falling. A noble act. As you hold her in your arms, you both share glances. Then you both kiss, as an eruption of fireworks alights throughout the sky behind you.

HugsiePie

Macavity. wrote: »

Ice Skating at Christmas. You fall, she laughs. Everyone is having fun. As your ability to ice skate increases. So too does your bond. The sun is setting as you skate side by side, she falls, but you grab her just in time. You have stopped her from falling. A noble act. As you hold her in your arms, you both share glances. Then you both kiss, as an eruption of fireworks alights throughout the sky behind you.

How it really happens :pac:

At first we’ll meet as friends
(Though secretly I’ll be hoping
we’ll become much more
and hoping that you’re hoping that too)

At first we’ll be like skaters
testing the thickness of ice
(with each meeting
we’ll skate nearer the centre of the lake)

Later we will become less anxious to impress
less eager than the skater going for gold.
(The triple jumps and spins
will become an old routine:
we will become content with simple movements).

Later we will not notice the steady thaw,
the creeping cracks will be ignored.
(And one day when the ice gives way
we will scramble to save ourselves
and not each other.)

Last of all we’ll meet as acquaintances
(though secretly we’ll be enemies,
hurt by missing out on a medal,
jealous of new partners).

Last of all we’ll be like children
Having learnt the thinness of ice,
(Though secretly perhaps we may be hoping,
to break the ice between us
and maybe meet again as friends.)

Junco Partner

coming across people you know on dating apps can be a giggle.
coming across people you know that are married can be less of a giggle.
when said married people start sending you messages it can be moral dilemma like.

Jhcx

Junco Partner wrote: »

coming across people you know on dating apps can be a giggle.
coming across people you know that are married can be less of a giggle.
when said married people start sending you messages it can be moral dilemma like.

TBH that really annoys me. Then they try to justify themselves and it's like no! Does often leave me to wonder is there anyone decent left in relationships

Junco Partner

Jhcx wrote: »

TBH that really annoys me. Then they try to justify themselves and it's like no! Does often leave me to wonder is there anyone decent left in relationships

I dunno. If there's one thing I've learned in the real world the last few years is that relationships aren't a black and white template. I don't know that it's justifiable to judge.

thelad95

Ughhh.. In a sticky situation at the moment. I've met somebody but the timing is just dreadful. We'll be at opposite ends of the country in a few weeks and I've exams coming up, it's so awkward. It's a real pity because we're both getting quite into it, not sure what to do?

Junco Partner

thelad95 wrote: »

Ughhh.. In a sticky situation at the moment. I've met somebody but the timing is just dreadful. We'll be at opposite ends of the country in a few weeks and I've exams coming up, it's so awkward. It's a real pity because we're both getting quite into it, not sure what to do?

you're best off just forgetting it to be honest. Distance requires an awful amount of work. If you've just met them it's hardly a sure enough thing to make it worth it.

LoonyLovegood

Distance can go one of two ways: The best relationship you've had, or the worst. If you're both into each other, agree that ye'll still chat and stuff, but don't insist on being exclusive until you're in the same general area.

wnolan1992

I always love the "distance" argument in Ireland.

Realistically, you're probably 3-4 hours away from each other. If you can't be arsed making the effort over a 3 hour journey, then basically that's your answer right there.

thelad95

We'd be about an hour and a half away from each other but it isn't just that. I think with distance though it requires a lot of trust and given it's at very early stages, is it worth building that trust? I'd generally steer fairly clear of an 'open' situation, just too much potential for it to get messy.

Whether you're one hour or four hours away, I think to make it worth it both parties would have to clear a full three to four days of work and other plans to make it worth it and it can be stressful trying to organise that.

In saying all that, if both of us are willing to commit to giving it a proper go, then why not?

Junco Partner

thelad95 wrote: »

Whether you're one hour or four hours away, I think to make it worth it both parties would have to clear a full three to four days of work and other plans to make it worth it and it can be stressful trying to organise that.

In saying all that, if both of us are willing to commit to giving it a proper go, then why not?

The conflicting work schedules are a big barrier.Petrol/travel costs can make it prohibitive to visit regulary. No sex for long periods. If you're cramming an entire relationship into Skype calls and a three day visit every month it can be difficult to have the "big" talks. Fear of rocking the boat. It really is an awful lot of work.

You need to be really sure it's worth it.

thelad95

Junco Partner wrote: »

The conflicting work schedules are a big barrier.Petrol/travel costs can make it prohibitive to visit regulary. No sex for long periods. If you're cramming an entire relationship into Skype calls and a three day visit every month it can be difficult to have the "big" talks. Fear of rocking the boat. It really is an awful lot of work.

You need to be really sure it's worth it.

But the thing is, this arrangement would only be for a few months. If this was a permanent/long term arrangement, I wouldn't even be considering it.

Jhcx

thelad95 wrote: »

But the thing is, this arrangement would only be for a few months. If this was a permanent/long term arrangement, I wouldn't even be considering it.

Realistically is it even worth it so if it's only for a few months. Myself and the ex lived 1.40hr away from each other. Yet tried to meet up and did every Thursday and Sunday. Either went to then or they came to me or we went to cork city or Galway.

LoonyLovegood

I did Dublin - Galway for three months. It wasn't easy, but we managed it. We saw each other twice a month or so. The one thing to remember is that when you DO see each other, it shouldn't be all about physical stuff. You need to do date things too.

sibby

I did Limerick Dublin for nearly 4 years. When we first started seeing each other the bus journey was 3 and a half hours long, but after a year and a half it was only 2 and a half hours (yay for express buses). In my opinion it's totally doable and not as difficult as it may seem as long as both people are properly invested in it and that there's enough trust.
That being said I was always envious of my friends who had boyfriends closer to them but it as long as ye're both committed then give it a go! If it's meant to be it's meant to be, I wouldn't let and hour or two distance get i the way of a relationship.

thelad95

Like the distance from me to her would just be a one hour bomb up the M9 and we both drive so compared to some other stories here it seems a lot more manageable! I think I know what's going to happen anyway and we'll discuss it soon. I suppose it is natural to have doubts and anxieties given the lack of security that distance can bring.

Thanks for the advice and stories everyone!

iamanengine

thelad95 wrote: »

Like the distance from me to her would just be a one hour bomb up the M9 and we both drive so compared to some other stories here it seems a lot more manageable! I think I know what's going to happen anyway and we'll discuss it soon. I suppose it is natural to have doubts and anxieties given the lack of security that distance can bring.

Thanks for the advice and stories everyone!

Go for it bro. If it doesn't work out then a least ye know ye gave it a go.

Colm?

So this is next on my list of old C&H threads to revisit - back two years ago I was telling the story of the best part of my life unfold and it was all really lovey dovey and all.

Let's talk about endings and the ways in which people can change. It's a little sad and a little lovely. I don't really know what.

As many have clearly said here, distance isn't an issue. It's an annoyance, sure, but if anything it works as a filter. Even when I was working weekends and so on I always made sure to have time to visit and we could've easily made time every two weeks at least to meet up. I got very good at working on buses and waking up early in the mornings to file in a few hours. The distance only became an issue when things weren't working anyway.
My ex broke up with me around the end of March because of a sort of fear of missing out; if you could call it that. I mean I understand that some people want to have as much of a varied experience with sex while they're in college as they can. I was really supportive of her going for that, actually. I realised that the relationship was probably something she saw as a restriction to her living her whole college life.
Coming out of it from the other side though I actually regret not looking for the relationship to end sooner. While she was (and in some ways remains) a wonderful person, the relationship took its toll on me in a rather difficult way. She had a lot of issues with her mental health, but was quite opposed to seeking professional help. The result was that in rolling waves I'd be the sole person to deal with a lot of paranoia, anxiety, and decisions that felt harsh and unreasonable. Our breakup was centred in the middle of one of those - a particularly nasty moment of her getting obsessed with some other guy she met once and basically tried to cheat on me with, and then a quickly escalating series of weird moves. Having downloaded Tinder "but definitely not for casual sex" and then using it for such no more than a day later, and then repeatedly doing so, getting deep attacks of regret and sorrow every single time, and turning to me for some sort of validation in that time. And because I thought I had nothing to lose, I was pretty much okay with telling her that she shouldn't be defined by these actions, that she's exploring a new identity and sense of self and while it might be moving a bit fast, she'd learn from her regret and her mistakes.
In recent times, she's described the whole thing as "some sort of weird psychotic episode". But again, she uses these words to describe herself and her actions, yet refuses to admit that she needs help to take control of her mental state. Every passing day our breakup was validated by the fact that I couldn't really see much of the independence and joyfulness that I ever fell in love with. It was all kind of scary.

But it wasn't just in the breakup that this was all happening. It was far more intense at that point, but there were many sleepless nights and an awful lot of sorrow on those rare occasions when we were together when she would completely break down. I made a lot of sacrifices because I legitimately loved this person but the pressure she placed on me was at times too much to bear. Our relationship wasn't horrible, and like I said, it brought a lot of good memories. It brought me the confidence in myself to do great things and I learned so much about life and love and all of that.

And goddamnit I was the best at the sort of magical thinking that allowed me to ignore the worst aspects of it. The girl was legitimately my best friend for months afterwards, however I framed the whole experience in my mind to ignore the constant stress and the fact that the whole thing was completely falling apart. I actually gave her a place to stay when she was moving to Cork and hid her in the spare room of my house so she didn't have to pay rent while she was looking for a more permanent house.

In the meantime I tried out a few other things. I think that Tinder is the oddest little thing, and seeing as college is out for the summer, the idea of meeting someone new by trying really hard to isn't really going to work out. These things do creep up on you, I am in the middle of organising a trip to Paris with someone this October and I've never been quite so excited in a long time. We've been coming up with all these weird ideas and plans and even though this is a really early stage, there's a lot of wonder and joy and hope tied up in that. I really missed that. Here's hoping everything works out.

Anyway, back to the sad bit.
Anyway, summer went by, and we basically didn't talk at all. (She's living in Cork at this point; distance isn't a reason anymore). She took up smoking to fit in with her new friends, shit got kinda weird, and honestly I didn't recognise her anymore.

...so, realising that our plan to go to Electric Picnic together at the end of the summer wasn't going to be ideal, I asked for my ticket back.
Hell was unleashed.

Constant questions of "Have you a new gf? Who is she? Do you not trust me?" (questions I could all answer with "no") punctuated constant reminders that she'd definitely give me the ticket, but yet every single time I arranged to meet her she'd reschedule or duck out of it at the last second. But she kept doing all of the mental gymnastics that allowed her to think that she was doing everything right.
I had to call her out on it, cancel her spotify account (we shared a plan and she never paid her share) and go through some awful shite to have her see things from my point of view. She kept saying things like "I'm afraid that if I give you the ticket you'll never talk to me again" and how terrified she is of me moving on and so on. She's trying to fucking hold me hostage.

I still don't have my EP ticket. I'm going to try to get it this evening. But if not, fuck it, I lose. If you know anyone selling an EP ticket, PM me.
(this post is not a long, rambling attempt for me to get someone to sell me an ep ticket pls don't delete for spam)

It's annoying how some of the best things of my life are clouded by this shadow of the fact that myself and my kindness were abused by someone who wasn't worth it.
And naturally I'm scared for the next few times around the block. I don't want to be scared and I want to just be open to more of the good things.

Onwards to the future with a heart full of hope.

EDIT: tiny victories! who from boards is going to EP?

iamanengine

The ones we love the most are so often the ones who hurt us the most.

The mind boggles!

Also, I'm going to EP

Colm?

It's how it goes though. Opening up in a situation like that creates an odd tightrope of trust and vulnerability. If that breaks, well, it's going to really, really hurt. It's annoying how often only in the aftermath do you see the situations where you should've stopped to save yourself but hey, you live and you learn. I don't really regret these two years; I've grown and learned as a person, but often for reasons I wouldn't have expected.

I just gotta keep my hopes up and keep living for the moment right now. And I have a bunch of really amazing people at my side for a lot of it.

Soon after that breakup she kept up this weird thing of telling me every so often that she didn't believe in the idea of love and that she couldn't look for anything like that anymore. But like, that's honestly not how I see it. There's so many opportunities for something huge and I won't let this hold me back. Maybe I'm a little naive, but hey, it'll be fun.

And throw me a PM during EP even. See if we can get a few C&Hers at the same gig.

Jamie Starr

You're not naive. Unfortunately, you will encounter some conflicted and awkward people, especially in your twenties, that don't have a clear sense of what's important to them, as sharp or together as they seem. Even worse, they'll probably neglect universal wisdom (like love and friendship make life better) in favour of their own configuration of what happiness is. They might be unsuccessfully rewiring their life for years. I am one of these people!

Once "you’re tired of yourself and all of your creations" though, it becomes a lot clearer why and how you fall in love, what you need in life, how to treat other people. Some people naturally reach that stage much earlier, through a wholesome upbringing or whatever. You just have to be patient and view nothing as a failure - you'll meet the people you meet for a reason. Opening up, knowing your value and the value of others are the only imperatives.

Junco Partner

I've been texting this girl I met while working up the country for a few weeks. About two months. Been trying to arrange to meet up. Work ruins that fairly often but on mutual days off stuff still always seems to come up. Tried to arrange a meetup for the weekend she replied with "the only reason I haven't met up with you is because I genuinely thought myself and the ex would he back together.
Am I wrong in thinking this is a no no.
I expressed my annoyance in a calm manner yet she's still reacting as if I'm the asshole.
I simply pointed out that she should have said from the get go that it mighnt go anywhere cause she's trying to get back with him. I thought she was pretty cool. I'd have happily waited around a couple of months to see if they lasted. Two months of feeling disspointed cause she had "no lift" or got called to work or had to babysit is surely something I can call someone out on.?

I've done some shady **** in the past when it comes to casuals and the like but I'm always honest about what I'm looking for out of any relationship.

Lying is whack yo.

Jhcx

Junco Partner wrote: »

I've been texting this girl I met while working up the country for a few weeks. About two months. Been trying to arrange to meet up. Work ruins that fairly often but on mutual days off stuff still always seems to come up. Tried to arrange a meetup for the weekend she replied with "the only reason I haven't met up with you is because I genuinely thought myself and the ex would he back together.
Am I wrong in thinking this is a no no.
I expressed my annoyance in a calm manner yet she's still reacting as if I'm the asshole.
I simply pointed out that she should have said from the get go that it mighnt go anywhere cause she's trying to get back with him. I thought she was pretty cool. I'd have happily waited around a couple of months to see if they lasted. Two months of feeling disspointed cause she had "no lift" or got called to work or had to babysit is surely something I can call someone out on.?

I've done some shady **** in the past when it comes to casuals and the like but I'm always honest about what I'm looking for out of any relationship.

Lying is whack yo.

That's fair bad of her to make u the bad guy. Like clearly from the get go she never had plans to be with anyone else but her ex but to lead you and and blame you is wrong

Jhcx

So my two year jail sentence of being single is coming to an end shortly. And im really happy finally getting back into flirting and found a crush. only problem i have is there on the East coast and i dont think long distance would work seen as they are never free on weekends. just when i think i could get a relationship for 2016 broken bridges are put in front of me and fires i have to jump across to prove it could be real

LoonyLovegood

Try it anyway! I did it for the first two months of this relationship, well worth it. (Although now we're in the same place which helps)